Do you feel attractive? Sexy? How?

[OutOfPetrol]

Just that really.

I'm in a really bad place at the moment. I haven't had a sexual relationship that lasted longer than 6 months (and most have been around 3) until now and I'm finding the whole thing really difficult.

But I don't feel sexy. I've become preoccupied with how physically unattractive I am and how unsexy I feel to the point I'm on the verge of ending an otherwise good relationship.

I don't know what to do.

you are trying to get out as it feels more comfortable and safe

Yes.

Aw, OP, what a shame. you sound like a lovely person who is stuck at one point in their life, and given what you've been through, I'm not surprised.

He said to me out of the blue the other week that he loved our sex life together. I wasn't expecting it. Wasn't sure what to say. Wasn't sure if he was being serious. I didn't know what to do so I just ignored it and pretended I hadn't heard.
.

Yep. The best I’ve felt is when I was strong, exercising and eating strictly.

That's such a sad thing to say :(

Are there no areas in your life that you draw meaning and pride from?

Doing well at your job?
An artistic hobby?
Being a kind and supportive friend?
Being funny?
Caring for pets or family?

The verbal abuse you got in childhood is such a heavy burden to carry. This voice inside your head is not your own. It's your parents' voice. You just need to learn to challenge it. Pay attention to the tiniest of moments where you feel accomplished or proud. Take compliments of board and don't automatically dismiss them. Notice when people come to you for help or advice.

Remember that the hurt in your upbringing left you with this foggy distorted lens that you see yourself through. It's not the objective truth. You can learn to see yourself in a new light if you only make an effort to look closer.

I'm not a lovely person. I'm broken.

I've spent decades trying to fix myself and I just don't have it in me anymore.

Are there no areas in your life that you draw meaning and pride from?

Doing well at your job?
An artistic hobby?
Being a kind and supportive friend?
Being funny?
Caring for pets or family?

All of those things. But I can't function in a relationship.

I've lost my appetite, I've barely slept the last few nights. I feel so sad, empty andl bereft. It feels like a heart break I've been living with my whole life.

I need to break up with him for his sake.

We can't make you change your mind on that - we can be as convinced as we like that you're a perfectly normal person like us, but we can't make you see it that way. You'd have to choose to be kinder to yourself.

Does he get an erection when he sees you naked?

Do you find him sexy?

Do your feelings come in cycles? It would be a bad idea to make any decision while you're at the negative point in the cycle.

I know no one can change how I see myself. I'm just tired of battling with it every day. Of trying to put a brave face on, faking it until I make it.

I'm tired.

Sometimes.

Yes.

It's understandable that you're tired. Tbh it does sound to me as if you're depressed, e.g. from the comment "I need to break up with him for his sake" - that frame of mind sounds very familiar from when I was depressed. Don't want to question your judgement on that, but it's worth considering: when you are depressed, it's almost impossible to see what you would see when not depressed.

Give present you a break from the hard work. But remember that future you might be pissed off if present you dumps her boyfriend. Give yourself a break by taking a little holiday and doing something nice on your own, for instance. Climbing a mountain, where everyone is knackered, sweaty and dressed in ugly anoraks.

This definitely sounds like you're stuck on a loop of negativity about yourself. It's comforting, in a way, to get in there first before anyone else can. No one can hurt you if you're already thinking badly of yourself, right? Even though it's not logical because you're not avoiding hurt, you're creating a steady level of 'acceptable' hurt.

I am completely certain you aren't seeing yourself as everyone else does. It's definitely not unusual for a partner to discuss dressing up. It's ok if you don't fancy it, but it's not a sign he doesn't like you. Quite the opposite, actually.

I really don't think you'll feel better to end the relationship preemptively. It might feel safer but it's creating a self fulfilling prophecy. At some point, you need to tell yourself you're not a bad old stick after all and let some love into your life.

Can I ask what kind of therapy you had and for how long?

This is really skewed thinking. Lots of men find made up, lashes done, hair styled, feminine clothing etc. And others really don't. My DH finds me sexy in farming clothes with my hair up (much to my annoyance!)

Feeling sexy definitely comes from within. Could you increase your exercise? Even brisk walking, anything to get your heart rate up a bit. The endorphins do wonders and you will likely start to see yourself in a different light.

I agree with this.

since kids I have been overweight and felt unattractive and to be honest not overly interested in anything. Since I have started exercising and losing weight I feel so much better about myself, so things have improved loads

Same same same. My better half just sees me as this, I dunno, glowing ball that wafts around or something - I'm not sure he could give a police sketch artist an accurate up to date idea of what I actually LOOK like! He's always game for a shag. I DID once try dressing up I AM NOT GOING TO SAY HOW but errrrrrr it just made him laugh, though he appreciated the thought.

As our bodies sagged upon the onset of middle age, something magic happened - our reactions to the sight of each other stayed the same, even though our appearances are definitely older and greyer and flabbier and more wrinkly.

So don't automatically assume that someone is fibbing when they say they love the sight of you.

As PPs have said, sounds like you need to get out, get moving, touch grass, get some fresh air and see people.
We're all mammals and sometimes we forget that we have the same needs for diet, exercise, socialisation, stimulation as other primates, and make up environments for ourselves that we would never in a million years accept for a chimp we were caring for!

Surely it's not another persons job to make us feel good about themselves?

What about single people? Are they not allowed to feel confident and sexy as they don't have anyone to validate them?

I'm a big believer that you need to be comfortable in your own skin regardless of your relationship status

More therapy.

It takes a lot of unpicking, those lessons of childhood. You're fine when you're single because you're not having to trust someone to find you loveable/attractive.

💐

Apologies if my questions seemed a little stark. I just thought maybe it was his reaction to you sexually that was causing it, but apparently not.

Also, I asked if you fancy him, because your post is all about how you see yourself, whereas good sex is a two way thing, and if the sex is good, that’s part of feeling sexy.

I always just feel that he deserves better than me and that I'm not good enough.

I have to try really hard during sex not to let those thoughts in. I feel like I'm constantly trying to push a door closed against them and they're pushing back with their arms and legs getting in the way.

I don't have the capacity to relax and enjoy it. If I have a drink, the thoughts don't come but then I feel disgusted with myself the following day for having the temerity to do it and I just feel ashamed.

Without going into detail, I do enough in terms of hobbies and getting into nature. Work keeps me very busy so I don't have a lot of time but I do a creative hobby one night a week and an exercise class once/twice a week. I read, play instruments, go out walking, get into the woods etc.

You're fine when you're single because you're not having to trust someone to find you loveable/attractive.

I do understand that. But I can't see why it is a problem if I decide to just stay single.

I did speak ro a friend earlier who said to think of all the positives in the relationship. There are many but I don't feel it's fair to continue in a relationship with him if I'm not really what he wants. I know everyone makes compromises in a relationship but compromising on finding your partner sexy/attractive unless she dresses in a particular way seems a bit extreme. My friend said that what he suggested is not different toany men want and most women want to go along with it because it makes them feel sexy and desirable.

I just can't fathom that at all.

My friend also said that, as men get older, they sometimes need a hit of extra help to get things going. I want to be with someone who thinks I'm (good) enough as I am.

It's definitely not unusual for a partner to discuss dressing up. It's ok if you don't fancy it, but it's not a sign he doesn't like you. Quite the opposite, actually.

My previous boyfriend bought me a pair of 'sexy' shoes. It's the only time anyone has ever bought me anything to wear. He didn't buy them for me because he liked me. He bought them for me because he didn't think I was sexy and was trying to make me look sexy.

I don't see how it is anything other than him saying I'm not good enough if he's asking me to dress up in a particular way. If I don't, does that mean he can't find me attractive or is disappointed in/by me?

What sort of therapy have you tried previously? Maybe there are other types that would work better for you. Or potentially a different therapist can help more.

It's not a problem with him, it's not a problem with who you are, or the lifestyle you have, or what you look like - it's that deeply engrained belief that you are not worthy or loveable you've been saddled with.

Unlearning that is a long hard process.