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Original poster

Leaving amazing new partner for my ex?

191 replies

Honeybee94 · 17/01/2023 13:42

Hello,
So my ex and I split about a year and a half ago after just over a year together. We had a great relationship but a job opportunity came up for him which meant moving overseas. This was something he had been working towards since before we met, and I couldn’t go with him as I didn’t want to leave my job, my family or my dogs. We mutually decided to split as we knew we wouldn’t be able to keep the relationship going, especially when I had no desire to move countries and he did not want to stay or come back to the UK.
The breakup was so hard and I was devastated about it.

Flash forward to now, I’ve been seeing an amazing guy for the last 4 months, he does so much for me and really cares about me. I really care about him too and could see a future with him. I thought I was over my ex. But he reached out to me over Christmas to say he is transferring with his job and moving back, life out there just wasn’t the dream that he thought it would be. He has told me how much he loves me still and misses me and wants to be with me and have a future with me. He says he didn’t say this any sooner because it would do more harm than good, knowing we couldn’t be together and he just wanted to leave me be so I could move on and be happy.

I really don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to break the new guys heart as he is perfect, this would come completely out of the blue too as everything is great - we haven’t even had one argument or even a tiny disagreement. He even booked a surprise night away for us for next weekend which has cost him a fortune, I would feel so guilty ending things with him. I told my ex I need some time, as I don’t want to see him or speak to him until I’ve made up my mind.

If this was you, would you go back? Or move forward with your new partner?

OP posts:
Beanie567 · 17/01/2023 13:44

Move forward.

Coffeellama · 17/01/2023 13:45

Move forward, if that guy really wanted you he would have picked you the first time. He sounds pretty flakey.

Mirroredlove · 17/01/2023 13:46

Stay with the current guy

TrodOnLegoAgain · 17/01/2023 13:46

You can't step into the same river twice. Stick with your new man, who sounds lovely.

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 17/01/2023 13:48

If after a year with your ex you weren’t bonded enough to find a way to stay together, it doesn’t sound like he’s ‘the one’.

Do you feel you could fall in love with your new partner? How do your feelings compare at the same stage in the two relationships?

PatchworkElmer · 17/01/2023 13:49

Stick with your current partner.

Slothmomma · 17/01/2023 13:52

Never go back. Last one broke your heart - this one hasn't

WalkingThroughTreacle · 17/01/2023 13:53

So your ex loves you, yet he chose a career opportunity over you. Doesn't really sound much like love to me. I think you'd be foolish to go backwards but I don't have a crystal ball. I think, regardless of your ex, the fair thing to do would be let your current partner go so that they can perhaps find someone who genuinely values them and isn't weighing up whether to dump them for greener grass.

WhenDovesFly · 17/01/2023 13:56

Move forward. You weren't the priority when the job opportunity came up. He's telling you what you want to hear, but you can't be sure he won't be off again if some other job opportunity comes up.

Give the new guy a chance.

Lampzade · 17/01/2023 14:00

The fact that you even had to ask is worrisome.
If you were really into this new guy you wouldn’t even be contemplating going back to your ex.
Let the new guy go so that someone else can enjoy him.
However, if you do go back to your ex prepare to be disappointed

Chickpea17 · 17/01/2023 14:04

He wouldn't have left if he really loved you to start with.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 17/01/2023 14:05

Going back to an ex who left you devastated, would be like a dog returning to its vomit! Don’t do it.

Beeswood · 17/01/2023 14:06

Your new guy sounds great, I'd stay with him.

Beautiful3 · 17/01/2023 14:10

No don't do it, don't go backwards. Keep going forwards, and stay with this lovely man.

Shodan · 17/01/2023 14:10

Effectively your ex dumped you. As much as you say it was a mutual split, when it came down to it he preferred something else to being with you- in this case a shiny new job. And if the choice came again- he'd do the same thing. And you preferred something else to being with him, didn't you?

Turn your back on the ex and look forward to a better relationship with the new chap.

Topseyt123 · 17/01/2023 14:12

I can see why this is a curve ball for you, but I think on balance you would be better to move forward with the new guy.

The other has already moved away once and might do so again.

Mamoun · 17/01/2023 14:14

Move forward. If your ex was the right one you would have made the relationship work. Either moved with him or long distance or he stays.

I would have followed my husband anywhere, whether LA or Uzbekistan.

Mamoun · 17/01/2023 14:15

Lampzade · 17/01/2023 14:00

The fact that you even had to ask is worrisome.
If you were really into this new guy you wouldn’t even be contemplating going back to your ex.
Let the new guy go so that someone else can enjoy him.
However, if you do go back to your ex prepare to be disappointed

Actually that is a good point.
Would you be staying with the new guy just out of guilt?

Who do you, OP, prefer?

Jimboscott0115 · 17/01/2023 14:15

I think you need to separate the thinking of your new man with your ex.

Unlike responses so far, I understand the ex's point of view - it was his dream from long before he met you and sounds like in another life you'd have been able to go, it was a very adult decision from both of you to cut ties rather than create something that likely wouldn't have worked due to geography and may have made you both miserable.

However, think about the new man as if it's in a vacuum. I know it's hard but it's the only way to give him a chance here. Ultimately the question to ask is, of the ex wasn't on the scene - is this a man you think you'd want to build a future with? If so, then why would you ruin that chance over something as uncertain as an ex you haven't seen in a long time and who you no longer know if you have the same connection with? It's unlikely you'd pick up exactly how things were, people and perspectives change over that length of time.

Either way, you're going to have a 'what if' hanging over you, and that's going to be the hardest bit here - but I think it'll be worse if you leave the new amazing man than if you effectively carry on 'as is' without the ex.

Dreammakerflower · 17/01/2023 14:18

I see both sides, on one hand you have this new relationship where it's still in the honeymoon period where everything is sweet. But on the other hand, you don't really know this person well.

Now the ex, I totally think it was best he followed he's dream and went for the job. Unfortunately it didn't work out but for him to come back and Still chase after you...that's sweet. I dunno how long you and your ex was dating but I think I would risk it and choose the ex.

toooldforthisshite · 17/01/2023 19:01

I dont think it was ‘sweet’ of your ex to chase you now his own situation didn’t pan out. He’s hoping he can waltz straight back in where he left off.
He said he didn’t say anything sooner because he wanted to give you a chance to move on and be happy….we’ll you have moved on and are happy so why risk it.
your new guy sounds lovely and thoughtful. I can understand the pull of the ex though but I don’t think going back would be a wise idea. What if he got offered another transfer, will he chose that over you again?

Blahblablahblahblah · 17/01/2023 19:03

Forward

Zanatdy · 17/01/2023 19:06

No don’t go back. He clearly didn’t care enough for you to turn the job down. Anyone that is prepared to end a relationship for a job isn’t someone I’d give up a new relationship for. Keep moving forward and tell him thanks but that ship has sailed.

flabbygoldfish · 17/01/2023 19:14

Don't go back. You were not his priority when he moved, and neither was he yours. You were both each others second choice in this situation.

Good on your ex for giving the job abroad a try but he moved for a reason and that will still be there.

pocketvenuss · 17/01/2023 19:33

WalkingThroughTreacle · 17/01/2023 13:53

So your ex loves you, yet he chose a career opportunity over you. Doesn't really sound much like love to me. I think you'd be foolish to go backwards but I don't have a crystal ball. I think, regardless of your ex, the fair thing to do would be let your current partner go so that they can perhaps find someone who genuinely values them and isn't weighing up whether to dump them for greener grass.

It's been FOUR months. It's very early days. It's pretty normal for the OP to be confused in this situation. Most of the time we aren't fully in love with a new partner in 4 months. There is a lot of conflicting emotion going on.