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Original poster

Leaving amazing new partner for my ex?

191 replies

Honeybee94 · 17/01/2023 13:42

Hello,
So my ex and I split about a year and a half ago after just over a year together. We had a great relationship but a job opportunity came up for him which meant moving overseas. This was something he had been working towards since before we met, and I couldn’t go with him as I didn’t want to leave my job, my family or my dogs. We mutually decided to split as we knew we wouldn’t be able to keep the relationship going, especially when I had no desire to move countries and he did not want to stay or come back to the UK.
The breakup was so hard and I was devastated about it.

Flash forward to now, I’ve been seeing an amazing guy for the last 4 months, he does so much for me and really cares about me. I really care about him too and could see a future with him. I thought I was over my ex. But he reached out to me over Christmas to say he is transferring with his job and moving back, life out there just wasn’t the dream that he thought it would be. He has told me how much he loves me still and misses me and wants to be with me and have a future with me. He says he didn’t say this any sooner because it would do more harm than good, knowing we couldn’t be together and he just wanted to leave me be so I could move on and be happy.

I really don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to break the new guys heart as he is perfect, this would come completely out of the blue too as everything is great - we haven’t even had one argument or even a tiny disagreement. He even booked a surprise night away for us for next weekend which has cost him a fortune, I would feel so guilty ending things with him. I told my ex I need some time, as I don’t want to see him or speak to him until I’ve made up my mind.

If this was you, would you go back? Or move forward with your new partner?

OP posts:
user06221 · 18/01/2023 22:33

Logically, I'd say move forward because your ex chose work over you. However, life isn't always as simple as that. A year long relationship really isn't that long and sometimes, you just have to chase your dreams. Maybe he finally realised the grass wasn't greener and that he really wants to be with you. Or maybe he will always think the grass is greener, and only wants you back now because he doesn't have you.

4 months with this new guy also isn't very long. But if he's as great as you say he is, you need to make a decision pronto. It's unfair to lead someone on when your heart is elsewhere.

CheekyHobson · 19/01/2023 05:21

I think it's a bit of a red flag that your ex has reached out to you out of the blue wanting to pick right up where he left of, after a year and a half of presumably no real contact and no attempt to get to know you again after quite a long break.

Did he think that your life was frozen in time while he was gone? Does he think you're exactly the same woman who waved him off? No chance that you might want different things, think differently, have grown or changed? A lot has happened in the last year and a half. The fact that he seems to think nothing's changed suggests he might be a bit detached from reality.

The job that turned out not to be all he hoped and dreamed is another similar red flag. I know not everything works out the way we imagined it, but to ditch your girlfriend who you apparently love desperately and whole life in one country to chase a dream in another without much real idea how it might go suggests a tendency to see things with rose-tinted glasses.

The two of you were only together a year.

If it were me, I would say I was seeing someone and although you're torn, you want to give it more time. You'd like to hang out with him (ex) as a friend and re-acquaint yourself but at this stage you're not willing to make any promises to someone you haven't seen in a year and a half.

If he truly loves you and wants a life with you, he'll be prepared to give you a bit of thinking time. If he wants an instant answer, he's not after the real you, but the version he has in his head.

Ladybug14 · 19/01/2023 07:16

@Honeybee94 - how are you feeling about this today?

AnekeSchuss · 19/01/2023 07:31

Doesn’t sound like either of these is your forever man

Original poster
Honeybee94 · 19/01/2023 15:07

I am leaning more towards giving things another go with my ex tbh, but still feel gutted about having to end things with the new guy and having to hurt his feelings

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 19/01/2023 15:14

Based on your later posts I'd go for the ex - as long as you think that you can feel completely secure that he won't leave you again, and don't have bitterness about your breakup.

The new man is still a bit of an unknown quantity.

ManchesterGirl2 · 19/01/2023 15:15

Good points @CheekyHobson

Climbles · 19/01/2023 15:20

Is there a chance the ex is mixing his feelings about his life in the Uk with his feelings for you? It seems convenient that he didn’t tell you how much he cared for your own good. I wouldn’t trust him.

eyope · 19/01/2023 15:23

Given the reasons you broke up, I would consider giving it another go with your ex provided he is now happy to be settled where you are.

People can make mistakes - ex was always honest that he'd wanted to move, he didn't lie or deceive you. He didn't mess you about and keep you as a back up option, he gave you space and allowed you to move on. It was his dream BEFORE he met you. You knew what he wanted and still fell in love with him for a reason. But sometimes we need to go after what we think we want to realise what we miss. Chasing a job opportunity is the one thing I would give a person a pass on as if he had sacrificed his dream for love and it hasn't worked out, he'd be kicking himself too. If he decided to move after he'd met you and been in a relationship for a while, id think differently. But he followed his dream and it's led him back home to you, like millions of other people.

What's for you won't go by you. And as lovely as your new man is, if your heart is still with your ex, you should go for it.

Ladybug14 · 19/01/2023 16:37

Honeybee94 · 19/01/2023 15:07

I am leaning more towards giving things another go with my ex tbh, but still feel gutted about having to end things with the new guy and having to hurt his feelings

I'm very invested in your future in a motherly way. Please let us know how it goes xxx

Daisymaker · 19/01/2023 17:00

So his new life didn't work out and he wants you back? He didn't decide that he wanted you more than his new life, if it had worked out for him he he wouldn't have looked back

Pipsquiggle · 19/01/2023 19:09

@Honeybee94

I think it's important that you have a proper chat with your ex. It's important that you are not going back to where you were, but moving forward together.

You definitely need to be fully transparent about how you both feel - him moving away, you feeling upset. Him not enjoying his 'dream job' - what did he learn from it?

I think it's important to acknowledge how you made each other feel when he went abroad and you didn't want to. You both need to show each other that you've matured and learnt something from the past year or so.

BlastedPimples · 19/01/2023 22:59

Stick with your new partner.

The ex can wait.

Hawkins001 · 19/01/2023 23:03

A bird in the hand, is better than a potential bird in the bush. @Honeybee94 all the best op, and is stay with your current partner, think of the future

honestlove · 19/01/2023 23:15

The thing is, he came just after you found a new partner, had he come a little earlier and you wouldn't have met your new partner yet. So maybe it was meant to be that way and all this happened because you weren't meant to get back with your ex??
Because hurting the new guys feelings just seems wrong at this stage. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Just a theory to give some thought!

KettrickenSmiled · 20/01/2023 00:44

Honeybee94 · 19/01/2023 15:07

I am leaning more towards giving things another go with my ex tbh, but still feel gutted about having to end things with the new guy and having to hurt his feelings

I'm not convinced that either of these guys is going to be good for you.

Your ex dumped you because he wanted to work abroad, Now that dream has foundered, he's lining you up as a convenient g/f to come home to. What a fucking cheek! Do you seriously want to play second fiddle to a job? Be the g/f he settled for because he couldn't make his dream come true?
Live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop, when he announces he's off abroad again because there's this fantastic opportunity ...
He dumped you once, if you take him back he could easily do so again, believing that he can just keep you on the back burner because you'll agree to take him back if he changes his mind again ...

He says he didn’t say this any sooner because it would do more harm than good, knowing we couldn’t be together and he just wanted to leave me be so I could move on and be happy.
Come off it! This is just telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
He dumped you because he wanted to. Because he preferred the job opportunity to being with you. I'm not criticising that, it's a valid choice - people break up all the time. But he's spinning you a line here & you would be insanely naive to swallow it. He didn't say it sooner because it isn't true: if he'd thought you were The One he wouldn;t have dumped you for the job. He's only saying you are The One now because that job fell through, or he hated being abroad or whatever. Either way - he is bullshitting you, & lining you up as a convenient 'landing woman' for his return. How you are not beyond insulted is hard to fathom.

New bloke sounds fun, as he damn well should be at 4 months in.
BUT - he is a player. After only knowing him 4 months, you can't know that he has put that behind him. And placing faith in his mum essentially saying "he's a good boy really, he wants to settle down" is a bloody ridiculous way to assess whether he is genuine relationship material.
So if you stick with him - take it very slowly, & keep your guard up.

KettrickenSmiled · 20/01/2023 00:48

So maybe it was meant to be that way and all this happened because you weren't meant to get back with your ex??
😂😂😂

FFS OP, if you are going to take this advice you may as well spin a coin to make the decision, while you throw away the entirety or your personal autonomy, & leave your most important life decisions to "fate".

onanotherday · 20/01/2023 01:13

As others have said, had you ex come back because he missed you and not because it didn't work out, then I would give him a chance.
As for your current bf, he sounds lovely..but I would keep an eye out that you aren't being "love bombed". I wish you well ..but if you were my daughter I say don't bank on either.

ClaryFairchild · 20/01/2023 01:23

There is no 'one soul mate', there are lots of people that could be your partner in life. At the end of the day it's a choice. Both yours and your potential partner.

You don't owe it to anyone to be with them. Yes, one of them will be hurt so you should take care in your approach to minimise the pain. But you can't eliminate it entirely.

You also need to accept the risk that whichever choice you make might not be 'the right' one. Neither relationship is a certainty.

Look into your heart. Ask your ex questions as to whether this is it de travelling, and decide if you think he is being completely honest with both you and himself.

The fact that you're asking and haven't told him to get lost means your feelings for him are still strong. If he's never lied to you before about wanting to move abroad then there is no reason to doubt his truthfulness now.

It's very easy for people here to say "choose the ex" or "choose the new guy", but it's far more nuanced than that.

Good luck in making the best choice for YOU.

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 01:29

Heads or tails - get a coin and assign heads to one man and tails to another man and flip the coin in the air - it is whilst the coin is in the air that you will decide who to choose. Obviously don’t make such a huge decision on the flip of a coin but whilst that coin is in the air the name of the man you truly want will come to you. I hope you get your happiness with whoever you choose OP

user1471462701 · 20/01/2023 06:23

Daisymaker · 19/01/2023 17:00

So his new life didn't work out and he wants you back? He didn't decide that he wanted you more than his new life, if it had worked out for him he he wouldn't have looked back

Absolutely this!

And how do you even know he is the same person, people change as they grow up

Tuilpmouse · 20/01/2023 06:41

SandyY2K · 17/01/2023 19:43

If it was a woman who left for her dream job, I doubt that people would be saying she didn't love him.

That he left for this job doesn't mean he didn't love you OP. I'm not saying you should get back with him...but don't settle for the current guy, if you're really not into him.

It makes no different if it's a man or a woman.

If someone is prepared to put their job over their relationship, it doesn't mean they didn't love their partner, it just means they love their job more than their partner...

Similarly, the OP loved the familiarity of her local environment, and the connections there with her family, friends and work, more than she loved her ex.

"Love" isn't a binary thing, it's far more complicated.

Tuilpmouse · 20/01/2023 07:03

You're in the honeymoon phase at the moment with the new guy. Not having a disagreement/row isn't necessarily a good thing. No one can agree and be agreeable on everything and it would be rasing a huge red flag for me.

I'm not sure I'd go so far as it being a "huge red flag", but it does indicate that the relationship hasn't progressed into something solid and deep yet. Its natural to be on "your best behaviour" in the early days of a relationship, and to allow feelings of infatuation and lust to overlook things you dislike, but I agree it's not necessarily a good thing if that means you're avoiding challenging subjects or suppressing feelings in order to keep the good vibes.

OP - What your ex has done is to make you accelerate your relationship with your current "boyfriend" (not sure if that's the right terminology!) You can no longer exist in that nice fuzzy early relationship space, and you need to decide whether the new(ish) guy really is a long-term prospect, and whether your values and life goals really do align, and whether your current relationship is sustained by superficial feelings of infatuation or whether there is something lasting or deeper. And then compare that to how you feel about your ex. This isn't the easy though, and I don't envy you.

Tuilpmouse · 20/01/2023 07:12

@honestlove

Because hurting the new guys feelings just seems wrong at this stage.

No, just no.... I think this is really bad advice. Never base a relationship decision on the other person's feelings. Any decision should be based primarily on how you feel.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/01/2023 07:16

Don't be daft. He's failed overseas and decided you'll do for the second best lifestyle. 'Might as well go back. She'll take me, she won't have moved on, she'll do'.

Which you will until it gets a bit boring again, and then he'll be off chasing rainbows again.