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Original poster

Leaving amazing new partner for my ex?

191 replies

Honeybee94 · 17/01/2023 13:42

Hello,
So my ex and I split about a year and a half ago after just over a year together. We had a great relationship but a job opportunity came up for him which meant moving overseas. This was something he had been working towards since before we met, and I couldn’t go with him as I didn’t want to leave my job, my family or my dogs. We mutually decided to split as we knew we wouldn’t be able to keep the relationship going, especially when I had no desire to move countries and he did not want to stay or come back to the UK.
The breakup was so hard and I was devastated about it.

Flash forward to now, I’ve been seeing an amazing guy for the last 4 months, he does so much for me and really cares about me. I really care about him too and could see a future with him. I thought I was over my ex. But he reached out to me over Christmas to say he is transferring with his job and moving back, life out there just wasn’t the dream that he thought it would be. He has told me how much he loves me still and misses me and wants to be with me and have a future with me. He says he didn’t say this any sooner because it would do more harm than good, knowing we couldn’t be together and he just wanted to leave me be so I could move on and be happy.

I really don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to break the new guys heart as he is perfect, this would come completely out of the blue too as everything is great - we haven’t even had one argument or even a tiny disagreement. He even booked a surprise night away for us for next weekend which has cost him a fortune, I would feel so guilty ending things with him. I told my ex I need some time, as I don’t want to see him or speak to him until I’ve made up my mind.

If this was you, would you go back? Or move forward with your new partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeybee94 · 17/01/2023 21:45

I’m 28 years old, so I’m at an age now where I want a relationship that has a future. My ex is 30 he owns his own home that he was renting out to a friend while he was away and is now moving back into, so he isn’t just wanting a place to crash.
I do have a lot of feelings for the new guy, and I really care about him and I am devastated at the thought of hurting him. New guy is 31, was a bit of a ‘player’ in the past but his mum has told me that he’s said to her that he wants to settle down and he thinks I could be the one. Ex has said pretty much the same thing to me, he is ready for all that and stuff wants to be with me.

I really hate this situation and I’m quite angry that my ex has popped back up, because I would still be happy with new guy. But when I was with my ex the feelings were much more intense for both of us by this point, and since he left I’ve always thought of him as ‘the one that got away’.

I feel guilty for both men that I’m choosing between them both

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 17/01/2023 21:55

And if the trip abroad was all he thought it would of been, you would not have seen him for dust - worth considering.
It doesn't sound like he kept in contact with you whilst gone, or said he missed you. Sounds like he's just at a loose end now he's back.
Well, in your situation, I'd say that as it is hard to weigh up 1 year against 4 months, give it time. Your ex has given it 18 months, so it's quite fair to make him wait. If he really is that into you, he will and should be prepared wait as long as it takes - a year if necessary. Just don't be keeping in regular contact meantine with him as that is not focusing or being fair to new man.

Nad28 · 17/01/2023 21:55

This “the one” is just ridiculous! There are thousands of people you could be compatible with. Why do people believe all this and soulmate bullshit?

The ex was still in a honeymoon period too so neither is any guarantee. He might have shagged his way through a few women since you and if you get back with him, he and you might not feel the same. Personally I’d be staying with the new guy but then I never look back.

littleburn · 17/01/2023 22:06

"He has told me how much he loves me still and misses me and wants to be with me and have a future with me." Thing is OP he can say all that, but it's no guarantee it will work out. You're both 18 months on from the break up and you both will have changed during that time. You've been apart longer than you were together!

It also all sounds a bit overly dramatic on your ex's part. He's promising a future to someone he's not seen in 18 months?? I mean, come on! His dream move abroad hasn't worked out, so now he's coming home he's romanticising the relationship he left behind - 'oh she was the one, if only I'd realised at the time!' From your perspective the break up was hurtful (as essentially he chose the job over you), so you're primed to want to believe that he made the wrong decision. What I'm trying to say is there's a need on both sides to buy into a 'thwarted romance made right' narrative. I completely get the 'what if' aspect of this, but just be aware that choosing him doesn't mean he's the one and that you'll get your happy ever after.

Ineedtosleep79 · 17/01/2023 22:12

Nad28 · 17/01/2023 21:55

This “the one” is just ridiculous! There are thousands of people you could be compatible with. Why do people believe all this and soulmate bullshit?

The ex was still in a honeymoon period too so neither is any guarantee. He might have shagged his way through a few women since you and if you get back with him, he and you might not feel the same. Personally I’d be staying with the new guy but then I never look back.

This. The "one" doesn't really exist anymore in this s day and age. Except for a rare few. People used to find "the one" and they were for 20 years or so, then they get divorced..and these are people who were convinced that they had found the one, not even including the marriages that last a handful of years.

catfunk · 17/01/2023 22:21

Sounds like he's not coming back because he made a mistake and missed you - rather, he didn't like the job and wants the convenience of picking up where he left off.
I'd tell him to do one, personally.

findmybalance · 17/01/2023 22:23

OP, I dont mean any offence by this , as weve all been there, but I'm going to be hard here.

Your later post reads as if you are lining them up like some form of competition- hes 30, hes 31, hes got a house, his mum said, bla bla. Its not a sofa you're looking to buy.

I agree with PP, the ex is romanticized and you havent seen him.

I dont actually think given your latest posts that you should stay with new man because to be blunt, I think he deserves better than you.

My advice would be to leave new man regardless, give it time and see what you want to do without ex. But let new man go. You arent a prize to be won.

And ignore old fashioned romantic claptrap. If you loved new man yous know about it. You dont. He deserves someone who chooses him and doesnt question it

So do you. I'd cut ties with both and learnt to be you, and then see where you go.

Summerfun54321 · 17/01/2023 22:24

Meet your ex for a daytime coffee (not a drink), you'll know as soon as you see him. At the moment you're basing your feelings on a whole mix of heartbreak and nostalgia but in the cold light of day, face-to-face, everything will be much clearer. I did exactly this and within 5 minutes of seeing my ex I knew that the new guy I'd been seeing for 2 months was the man for me and we've been married 6 years.

TedMullins · 17/01/2023 22:25

findmybalance · 17/01/2023 22:23

OP, I dont mean any offence by this , as weve all been there, but I'm going to be hard here.

Your later post reads as if you are lining them up like some form of competition- hes 30, hes 31, hes got a house, his mum said, bla bla. Its not a sofa you're looking to buy.

I agree with PP, the ex is romanticized and you havent seen him.

I dont actually think given your latest posts that you should stay with new man because to be blunt, I think he deserves better than you.

My advice would be to leave new man regardless, give it time and see what you want to do without ex. But let new man go. You arent a prize to be won.

And ignore old fashioned romantic claptrap. If you loved new man yous know about it. You dont. He deserves someone who chooses him and doesnt question it

So do you. I'd cut ties with both and learnt to be you, and then see where you go.

100% agree with this. ‘The one’ is codswallop

findmybalance · 17/01/2023 22:28

Summerfun54321 · 17/01/2023 22:24

Meet your ex for a daytime coffee (not a drink), you'll know as soon as you see him. At the moment you're basing your feelings on a whole mix of heartbreak and nostalgia but in the cold light of day, face-to-face, everything will be much clearer. I did exactly this and within 5 minutes of seeing my ex I knew that the new guy I'd been seeing for 2 months was the man for me and we've been married 6 years.

If Op is going to do this she has to dump new man first.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/01/2023 22:29

This exact thing happened to me. Even down to the move abroad. I moved forward with the new man and I don’t regret it one bit.

SunflowerTed · 17/01/2023 22:32

you wouldn’t have split with the ex if you really loved each other!!! Move forward or get rid of them both

Thoughtful2355 · 17/01/2023 22:35

Sorry but i would have chosen the job if i was him too. I would follow your heart. You were only together a year, its normal that he chose his future.

If i loved him and truly believed he loved me then i would give another chance.

peachgreen · 17/01/2023 22:35

Just to play devil’s advocate, I got back with my ex under similarish circumstances (leaving a new partner to get back with him) and it was absolutely the right decision. We had a very happy marriage and life together until he sadly died very suddenly. I knew he was the one. I was still angry at him when he came back into my life, and I had fears and doubts because of how hard our break up had been, but ultimately I knew I loved him and always would. I didn’t regret it for a moment. That said, I do realise how fortunate I am that it worked out that way and it could have gone horribly wrong.

Personally I’d say you need to see your ex to figure it out either way.

findmybalance · 17/01/2023 22:38

And how would the masses feel if Ops lovely new man was meeting his ex to see whether he felt like dumping her and giving it another go...?

Boomboom22 · 17/01/2023 22:43

It's totally fine to meet for a daytime coffee to see how you feel. If it's all great dump new guy, if not just say so. It's not cheating 4 months in to have a coffee! If you were now married to New guy with a baby yes dodgy but in these circumstances fine.

findmybalance · 17/01/2023 22:45

Boomboom22 · 17/01/2023 22:43

It's totally fine to meet for a daytime coffee to see how you feel. If it's all great dump new guy, if not just say so. It's not cheating 4 months in to have a coffee! If you were now married to New guy with a baby yes dodgy but in these circumstances fine.

It's not fine at all. Granted they arent married but it's still not fine.

Justcallmebebes · 17/01/2023 22:52

Careful he's not just hoping to fall back into a nice, familiar, cosy set up and if he's been abroad a while, he may get itchy feet if "back home" doesn't live up to expectations. I vote for the new guy

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 17/01/2023 22:52

tillytown · 17/01/2023 21:19

Do you really think the ex would be asking you back if the new job was going well? He only called because he was moving back anyway. It doesn't matter if you stay with the new guy or not, just don't go back to the guy who thinks he is so amazing that he can walk in and out of your life whenever he wants and that you'll drop everything for him.

This. The ex didn’t come back because he missed YOU. He came back because the job didn’t work out and now he’s thinking “As I’m back, I might as well get back with my ex GF”

Butterfly44 · 17/01/2023 22:53

So easy to say now he's moving back...and wants to pick up than start again. He wants the comfort of what's familiar and can't be bothered to start again. Up your standards. If he really meant it he would have said it before now. You weren't his future then...suddenly now you are?

Teenagehorrorbag · 17/01/2023 23:16

Not sure this is going to work with either.

If your first partner still gives you butterflies, then you would be being unfaithful really to stay with the your current guy. He deserves better. So it really depends how you really feel about your ex.

If he is still the one, for you - then you would be unfair to your current BF to stay with him. You need to go back to your ex and either work things out or get him out of your system. You may well lose out on all fronts - but it's not fair to pretend things are OK with your lovely boyfriend just in the hope that you might get over your ex.

Only you can answer that question.......

ThePredictableScript · 17/01/2023 23:21

I would 100% keep the amazing new boyfriend. They are like gold dust! Ex might move away again somewhere else in the future or mess you about thinking you are disposable and will always there for him. I say move forwards.

SandyY2K · 17/01/2023 23:32

@ZaphodDent

Why is it ok to forget about relationship ethics when an ex is on the scene?

It's a 4 month relationship. The circumstances of the break up were such that they still had feelings.
I'd prefer to be the ONLY one my partner acts to be with.. not that they're with me by default.

How many of you have partners who have exes? How many of you would consider it just fine for them to go and see the ex to decide if they still had feelings for them?

I'd rather they left if I wasn't THE ONE...rather than be second best or who they settled for.

ricepuddin · 17/01/2023 23:33

Did the ex know you were seeing someone else when he contacted you? Am I the only one who finds that shocking?

I broke up with my bf to go live in another country. Our relationship wasn't strong enough for an LDR then. It's not about intensity of feelings, but simply how you prioritise each other even in the face of uncertainty.

We reconnected after I unexpectedly moved back to the UK. However, if he had met someone else in between, I wouldn't have sabotaged his new relationship by contacting him for my own selfish reasons, especially since I was the one who left him.

Moser85 · 17/01/2023 23:36

I know someone who was in a similar situation, except for he was only supposed to be abroad for a year or so. They tried to get back together when he came back but she resented him too much for leaving that it didn't work out.

But he reached out to me over Christmas to say he is transferring with his job and moving back, life out there just wasn’t the dream that he thought it would be.
I think I would feel like I was a back up plan in this case. If he met someone else or was living the dream he wouldn't be coming back.

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