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Original poster

Leaving amazing new partner for my ex?

191 replies

Honeybee94 · 17/01/2023 13:42

Hello,
So my ex and I split about a year and a half ago after just over a year together. We had a great relationship but a job opportunity came up for him which meant moving overseas. This was something he had been working towards since before we met, and I couldn’t go with him as I didn’t want to leave my job, my family or my dogs. We mutually decided to split as we knew we wouldn’t be able to keep the relationship going, especially when I had no desire to move countries and he did not want to stay or come back to the UK.
The breakup was so hard and I was devastated about it.

Flash forward to now, I’ve been seeing an amazing guy for the last 4 months, he does so much for me and really cares about me. I really care about him too and could see a future with him. I thought I was over my ex. But he reached out to me over Christmas to say he is transferring with his job and moving back, life out there just wasn’t the dream that he thought it would be. He has told me how much he loves me still and misses me and wants to be with me and have a future with me. He says he didn’t say this any sooner because it would do more harm than good, knowing we couldn’t be together and he just wanted to leave me be so I could move on and be happy.

I really don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to break the new guys heart as he is perfect, this would come completely out of the blue too as everything is great - we haven’t even had one argument or even a tiny disagreement. He even booked a surprise night away for us for next weekend which has cost him a fortune, I would feel so guilty ending things with him. I told my ex I need some time, as I don’t want to see him or speak to him until I’ve made up my mind.

If this was you, would you go back? Or move forward with your new partner?

OP posts:
Frazzledmummy123 · 29/01/2023 00:26

Honeybee94 · 28/01/2023 23:53

Yes I do think I’d still be happy with new guy and not thinking about my ex if he hadn’t got in touch. The spark has only died for me since then, although I do care about him very much still. I know how much he cares about me too, and it makes it so much harder. If I wasn’t seeing someone else then I would have been straight back in my ex’s arms, which is why it’s so confusing. For a month now I’ve been keeping 2 men at arms length because it’s easier than making a decision, it’s preventing me and them from being happy, and it’s not fair on them. You’re right that my ex has cooled off because he doesn’t think I want it as much as he does. I just know I will regret whatever decision I make 🤦🏻‍♀️ If I end it with the new guy and go for it with my ex, I will still be thinking of the new guy. If I tell my ex no and keep going with the new guy, I will still be thinking of my ex. If I end it with both, I will be kicking myself over the fact that I could have been so happy with one of them but instead I am alone. Ffs

Reading both your recent posts from an objective point of view, it sounds like your ex is who you want.
2 things you said jumped out at me:

  1. You said when ex came back the spark died with new guy. Is this spark retrievable after this? Would you even want it to be?
  2. In your earlier post, you said you are thinking a lot about your ex and thinking about 'what ifs'? You dont mention thinking about new guy as much.
GargleGargoyle · 29/01/2023 00:34

Stay with new guy and see how it goes? You'll soon know if it's truly what you want. You'll either be happy or pining for the old guy.

Presumably old guy will be there for you if it doesn't work out.. unless he's already moved on which would tell you all you need to know.

OldFan · 29/01/2023 01:19

@Honeybee94 Take bloke #2 back to the dating stage, and date both of them and see how it goes?

Bloke #1 might think it a bit weird as you're not starting where you left off, but he needs to win your trust again after what he did.

ZaphodDent · 29/01/2023 05:37

He has told me how much he loves me still and misses me and wants to be with me and have a future with me. He says he didn’t say this any sooner because it would do more harm than good, knowing we couldn’t be together and he just wanted to leave me be so I could move on and be happy.

But now he's gone cold because you're taking time to decide what to do about this?

So how much exactly does he love you?

Ladybug14 · 29/01/2023 05:38

The person who has created all this angst is man number 1 because he chose his job over you but now the job hasn't worked out he is returning to his second best option.

You.

I would not be with someone for whom I was obviously second choice

Ladybug14 · 29/01/2023 05:39

Agree with @ZaphodDent

SunshineAndFizz · 29/01/2023 05:50

You want guy #1. Just rip the plaster off and go for it.

You can get all the advice in the world on here, but you'll ultimately follow your heart so just decide and stop stringing #2 along.

emptythelitterbox · 29/01/2023 07:59

I don't think the ex cares as much as he said he did.
Words mean nothing.

He's a chancer.

His actions, not his words tell you everything.

It's like the guy who contacts you after months or years and then when you reply or gets a shag goes cold.

And look what's he's done now. He contacted you and ruined your perfectly good relationship.

Wouldn't it be shit if you ended it with the new guy and after a few weeks with the old guy, he decides nah no longer interested?

I think you should have a hard think and work on your boundaries.
As in when you truly have made a commitment to someone and they to you, your head won't be turned so easily.

Pipsquiggle · 29/01/2023 08:50

@Honeybee94

Did you go and have a coffee and a chat with your ex as suggested up thread?

I think doing this, having a proper chat would be really useful

OriGanOver · 29/01/2023 09:26

You want your ex OP.

It's okay. Yes you might feel guilty but it's okay. It might not work out again - it might not have worked with guy no.2 either even if ex didn't come back.

It doesn't really matter what the most sensible decision is.

COPPER3 · 29/01/2023 12:35

I think this is a very good idea!

Coffee with the ex, then you will have a little more clarity with your direction.
Incidentally, I believe he was right to pursue his dream career at the time and you were right to let him have the freedom to do that with no judgement. You were and are both young. x

Pipsquiggle · 03/02/2023 16:58

Hey @Honeybee94 just wondering if you went for that cup of coffee with your ex and whether that helped your thought process?

JFDIYOLO · 04/02/2023 12:36

And not only is the ex happy to stroll back in, destroy your happiness, break your relationship, he is now going cold because you haven't immediately jumped to heel. Everything revolves round him. In his world.

DeeCeeCherry · 04/02/2023 13:08

You need to grow up and take off those rose tinted glasses. You were only with your ex for 1 year. He chose a career opportunity over you. So you didn't mean as much to him as you may think.

He went off couldn't even make things work, wherever he went off to. Are you not dubious about this? Can this man even stick to whatever and whoever he 'commits' to?

He's neither a keeper nor a stayer. You're the fallback girl.

Pipsquiggle · 20/02/2023 12:40

@Honeybee94

Just wondering how you are getting on?

Ladybug14 · 16/03/2023 07:29

How's things @HHoneybee94

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