Leaving amazing new partner for my ex?

[Honeybee94]

Hello,
So my ex and I split about a year and a half ago after just over a year together. We had a great relationship but a job opportunity came up for him which meant moving overseas. This was something he had been working towards since before we met, and I couldn’t go with him as I didn’t want to leave my job, my family or my dogs. We mutually decided to split as we knew we wouldn’t be able to keep the relationship going, especially when I had no desire to move countries and he did not want to stay or come back to the UK.
The breakup was so hard and I was devastated about it.

Flash forward to now, I’ve been seeing an amazing guy for the last 4 months, he does so much for me and really cares about me. I really care about him too and could see a future with him. I thought I was over my ex. But he reached out to me over Christmas to say he is transferring with his job and moving back, life out there just wasn’t the dream that he thought it would be. He has told me how much he loves me still and misses me and wants to be with me and have a future with me. He says he didn’t say this any sooner because it would do more harm than good, knowing we couldn’t be together and he just wanted to leave me be so I could move on and be happy.

I really don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to break the new guys heart as he is perfect, this would come completely out of the blue too as everything is great - we haven’t even had one argument or even a tiny disagreement. He even booked a surprise night away for us for next weekend which has cost him a fortune, I would feel so guilty ending things with him. I told my ex I need some time, as I don’t want to see him or speak to him until I’ve made up my mind.

If this was you, would you go back? Or move forward with your new partner?

OMG no, just... no. "A man who will take charge and organize surprises for you" after a mere 4 months of seeing each other would scare the living daylights out of me. Take charge? That's not romantic, that's pushy.

Basically, by his mum's account he's got history of dating a number of women, which means he's had plenty of experience in making himself agreeable at the beginning of a relationship. You could be the one he decides to settle down with... or maybe not. I wouldn't be too sure he has feelings deep enough to be terribly hurt if it ends, however besotted he appears at the moment. The amount he's spent on outings isn't just for you - he'll be having a good time too. It's what he does; you're just the latest. That's not to say you're not the one he could be happy with for life, but it's not a particularly strong indicator that he's never going to wander off in search of another "the one". Just after you've moved in to an expensive new house and/or given birth would be one heck of a time to find out. And they're saying the ex is flaky... at least he's only left ONE woman heartbroken!

Fair enough, but how confident are you he won't be trying to continue to find that dream job opportunity in the months and years to come?

If he can't convince you that he won't seek to repeat his job adventure, then that's going to be a gigantic cloud looming over your relationship.

It's not ideal, but sometimes life's messy!

I don't agree with the posters saying if you loved your ex, you would have moved anywhere/ex wouldn't have taken a job abroad. That's not healthy behaviour.

I don't think this new guy is the one for you. You're feeling trapped and guilty rather than excited about a night away. Is that because ex reached out or did you have those feelings anyway?

Work out what you really want. Maybe write down different life scenarios and see which one you want more 🤷‍♀️

It will never be the same if you go back… stay with mr perfect

I can see why you're confused. I think you are looking at the pros too much with the new relationship as it's still the honeymoon period but I don't think you feel the same way for him as you did with your ex? I don't think you are over your ex hence why you are confused and asking mn and for that reason alone I'd end it with the new man but take it slowly with the ex. I also don't agree with some of the pp, if the sex was reversed no one would say the same thing about you advancing your career and in fact if you stayed behind for a relationship they would tell that man is abusive. From my understanding, you ended it mutually.

I’m fairly certain you’ll regret that. Never go back.

@laughingtick

You are absolutely right - if it was a woman who had got a dream job abroad but fairly newish BF wouldn't move with them; MN would be saying - GO! LIVE YOUR DREAM! DON'T BE HELD BACK BY NEW BF WHO REFUSES TO MOVE.

As I am someone who went back to my original BF, I just wouldn't write him off just because he pursued his long held dream. If he had stayed, it would have always been his 'what if' moment. If he can articulate he made a mistake and realises what he missed and you were a big part of this, I think it is worth something.

If new BF is a player you do need to be wary. They are charmers, they like the easy stuff at the beginning but obviously don't stick around when it gets hard or boring. His mum is not an ideal referee for this man.

@BunchHarman

Why not? It sounds like he is a decent man

I think everyone is right here. Neither sound perfect. Old guy prioritised himself, new guy is a player.

if it were me, I’d probably need to meet old guy just to settle my feelings-and yes-an early morning coffee, and you will know one way or the other-just don’t drag it out as it’s unfair on neither.

@Tuilpmouse

It makes no different if it's a man or a woman.

If someone is prepared to put their job over their relationship, it doesn't mean they didn't love their partner, it just means they love their job more than their partner...

I was responding the multiple comments that were saying he didn't love her, if he left for his job.

My point is that, this comment wouldn’t be said (here on MN), if the genders were reversed and I stand by that.

@SandyY2K

Ok, I agree, MN posts are typically much more forgiving and understanding of women than men. There is an pro-woman/anti-man bias whether people want to admit it or not.

Move forwards. He is only touching base with you as his dream didn't work out. A dream he chose over you. I wouldn't want to be someone's fall back and comfort when their dream that they left me for wasn't what they had hoped.

Oh and my answer also applies if the person is a female

How are you @Honeybee94?

Any update @Honeybee94 ?

Hope you're ok

So you describe the new guy as perfect. But the ex left you devastated. I think you know what to do??

There’s still a torch burning for ex

16 weeks isn’t a long time all exciting new and on best behaviour

He chose a job over you and left you.

He finds it's not what he thought

He thinks he can walk in and break and take.

He's unreliable, untrustworthy and selfish.

What do you think will happen when the next shiny new thing catches his eye?

It’s a tough one.

personally I think I’m your situation I’d choose the ex. It’s clear you still love him and whether or not it works out, the fact you still love your ex is reason enough to let the new guy go.

im sure the new guy is lovely and I’m not saying he would turn into a monster but you’re only 4 months in, you’re in the honeymoon period where everything’s great and he’s on his best behaviour so you’re getting the best of him. Will he still be this great in two years time? Maybe, maybe not you don’t know, but you do know that you still love your ex

i Don’t think your ex has done anything wrong. He followed a dream he’d had for years long before he met you. He wanted you to go with him but you couldn’t. Plenty of women on here are told never choose a man over a career so why should this be any different?

naybe your ex is just trying to pick up where you left off because it’s the easiest option or just maybe things haven’t worked out for him abroad, he still loves you and wants to try again. That doesn’t make him a bad guy. Like they say, if it’s meant to be it’ll be

let new guy find someone who loves him without wondering whether they should get back with an ex or not

Op you don't love this guy let him go. It's not fair when your clearly still inlove with someone else.

Sorry I’m replying late to everyone who has checked in!
I’ve been very up and down in my emotions and what to do. The ex has gone cold on me due to me taking too long to decide. I stopped seeing new guy as much, but he is still lovely, however I’m just not feeling the spark anymore. I feel like I need to end it with him regardless of whether or not my ex is in the picture tbh, although I will be gutted and will miss him so much. I’ll also feel terrible about hurting him. I feel like I’ll regret it too, as even though it’s early for us, in my previous relationships there’s usually been drama and big arguments by now - whereas this has been nothing but perfect. Maybe I’m just falling for the wrong guys?

I am missing my ex a lot right now and thinking ‘what if?’. Why do love and relationships have to be so difficult? Sorry for sounding depressing 😅

@Honeybee94 it sounds all very confusing for you. If your ex hadn't reappeared, do you think you would still be happy with your new guy?

I am wondering if your ex has cooled off because he is thinking that to take so long to decide means it might not be what you really want?

Maybe a clean slate is helpful and take it from there. If you end it with new guy, leave the ball in your ex's court to make contact and see what happens.

Yes I do think I’d still be happy with new guy and not thinking about my ex if he hadn’t got in touch. The spark has only died for me since then, although I do care about him very much still. I know how much he cares about me too, and it makes it so much harder. If I wasn’t seeing someone else then I would have been straight back in my ex’s arms, which is why it’s so confusing. For a month now I’ve been keeping 2 men at arms length because it’s easier than making a decision, it’s preventing me and them from being happy, and it’s not fair on them. You’re right that my ex has cooled off because he doesn’t think I want it as much as he does. I just know I will regret whatever decision I make 🤦🏻‍♀️ If I end it with the new guy and go for it with my ex, I will still be thinking of the new guy. If I tell my ex no and keep going with the new guy, I will still be thinking of my ex. If I end it with both, I will be kicking myself over the fact that I could have been so happy with one of them but instead I am alone. Ffs

You've said your not used to normal style relationships ?

As I see it the ex chose his job and new life..............it didn't live up to his dreams so he thinks ......I will pop back to the UK and pick up exactly where I left off.

No real thought for you ,was there ?

You were very happy with the new guy.....treats you good and respects you......but you're not used to real decent relationships ?

So the balls in your court but remember the ex will not think twice about discarding you, again, for the his own needs.

I think id be a bit pissed off that he thinks he can just walk back and pick up.
To me that's very disrespectful.