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Original poster

Leaving amazing new partner for my ex?

191 replies

Honeybee94 · 17/01/2023 13:42

Hello,
So my ex and I split about a year and a half ago after just over a year together. We had a great relationship but a job opportunity came up for him which meant moving overseas. This was something he had been working towards since before we met, and I couldn’t go with him as I didn’t want to leave my job, my family or my dogs. We mutually decided to split as we knew we wouldn’t be able to keep the relationship going, especially when I had no desire to move countries and he did not want to stay or come back to the UK.
The breakup was so hard and I was devastated about it.

Flash forward to now, I’ve been seeing an amazing guy for the last 4 months, he does so much for me and really cares about me. I really care about him too and could see a future with him. I thought I was over my ex. But he reached out to me over Christmas to say he is transferring with his job and moving back, life out there just wasn’t the dream that he thought it would be. He has told me how much he loves me still and misses me and wants to be with me and have a future with me. He says he didn’t say this any sooner because it would do more harm than good, knowing we couldn’t be together and he just wanted to leave me be so I could move on and be happy.

I really don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to break the new guys heart as he is perfect, this would come completely out of the blue too as everything is great - we haven’t even had one argument or even a tiny disagreement. He even booked a surprise night away for us for next weekend which has cost him a fortune, I would feel so guilty ending things with him. I told my ex I need some time, as I don’t want to see him or speak to him until I’ve made up my mind.

If this was you, would you go back? Or move forward with your new partner?

OP posts:
Courtnightmares · 17/01/2023 19:38

Another vote for stay with new guy. He sounds lovely. If your ex really loved you, he would've found a way to make it work. You shouldn't accept being second choice.

SandyY2K · 17/01/2023 19:43

If it was a woman who left for her dream job, I doubt that people would be saying she didn't love him.

That he left for this job doesn't mean he didn't love you OP. I'm not saying you should get back with him...but don't settle for the current guy, if you're really not into him.

TiredBunny1 · 17/01/2023 19:49

I can see both sides. I wouldn't say definitely don't go back. Your ex sounds as though he was offered his dream and I assume he wanted you to be part of that but, you couldn't commit at that point in your life. I lived abroad after uni and thought that it was what I really wanted and the first year was great. I then started to miss things from home and the guy that I'd left behind. With you and your ex it might've just been wrong place at the wrong time. You need to make that judgement call.

You are in the honeymoon phase with the new guy and thus, it isn't abnormal for everything to feel good and fun. As others have said, the fact that you are contemplating going back to your ex would suggest that this new guy is not the one for you.

Funkypickle · 17/01/2023 19:50

I'm going to go totally against the grain here. I would leave the new man. I can see exactly why your ex has done what he has.

You really must mean something to him if he wants you back. He can easily come back and start over again, but clearly you've been on his mind and in his thoughts. And it would not have been easy to just reach out to you like that. He would have been putting himself in a hugely vulnerable position and open to your rejection. But he faced that and has tried.

You're in the honeymoon phase at the moment with the new guy. Not having a disagreement/row isn't necessarily a good thing. No one can agree and be agreeable on everything and it would be rasing a huge red flag for me. While booking a surprise weekend away is sweet. That's not on you. He's done that himself. You shouldn't feel guilty if you cancel or decide not to go. The money that has been spent should not even be considered as its not something you've asked for or expected. Again, that's on him. If you do go away with him you'll feel more guilty and indebted to him if you decide to end things. Guilt should not be something you're feeling at this stage.

The 'what ifs' hanging over you will naturally play on your mind. If you can't push that aside, I think it will eventually destroy your new relationship. Before, you get involved deeper with the new guy I would be honest and explore a potential future with your ex. He made a decision to follow what he thought was dream but instead wants to come back to you. You could potentially rebuild the relationship into something stronger than what it was before.

As hard as it is sometimes it's best to just take a step back and reassess your situation. What do you want? Where and who do you see yourself with? After 4 months you don't really know someone, especially if you haven't seen any negatives to balance the good.

Don't do what I've done and settle for what looked perfect but has turned out to be less than ideal in so many ways. I went forward into the unknown and seemingly perfect and am now stuck. My 'what ifs' will always haunt me.

Be honest especially with yourself, explore and once you've done that, don't look back.

Season0fTheWitch · 17/01/2023 19:53

I'd get back with ex. Worth a try, you'd always regret it if you didn't

Funkypickle · 17/01/2023 19:53

Oops cross posting

Lessonsinchemistry · 17/01/2023 19:55

How old are you?

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/01/2023 19:57

Coffeellama · 17/01/2023 13:45

Move forward, if that guy really wanted you he would have picked you the first time. He sounds pretty flakey.

Yes, this. So he has found the grass isn't greener? What a shame for him.

minticecreamisjustok · 17/01/2023 19:58

I wouldn't go back, it didn't work before, his own future and career was more important to him than keeping a relationship with you, it's only because he's back in country and he's hoping you'll be available, what happens if you get back together then after a while a new career opportunity takes priority again and then it's over.

Is the new guy really doing it for you? honestly? If you like him that much then it would be no contest.

Mynewnametoday · 17/01/2023 19:59

I agree with the others, move forward, don’t waste time going for an ex, it almost never works out! What happens when another great opportunity comes, he will just drop you again. New guy sounds great so far, I would see how it goes. It’s easy to look back with rose tinted glasses but ultimately you broke up for a reason.

TedMullins · 17/01/2023 19:59

I don’t think “if he loved you he’d have turned the job down” is an accurate or helpful response. I don’t think he did anything wrong - why should someone give up a lifelong dream for a relationship?

I’d have done the same in his position, because I wouldn’t want to resent someone for halting my life ambitions. You could just as easily say “if you really loved him you’d have gone with him” and I don't think that’s right either. You both did what was best for you as individuals as the time. More people should think of themselves like that!

I don’t think he’s unreasonable to get back in touch either. He’s been honest about how he feels. I can see why you’re wobbling, but I am inclined to say that if you really saw things developing with the new guy, you might not be deliberating or feeling so conflicted over things. I think maybe staying single for a while to work out how you feel about your ex might be the best plan before embarking on any new relationships.

ZaphodDent · 17/01/2023 20:02

The new guy sounds great, and you're in a relationship with him. It feels really unfair to leave him for someone else. Normally on MN the advice is never to leave a relationship for someone else, rather to leave a relationship if the relationship is not right.

You say you would feel guilty dumping him. He's perfect, to use your words. Sounds like you know the right decision but your head is being turned.

Maybe think of it like having a crush when you're in an otherwise healthy relationship, the right thing is to give your head a shake and focus on the relationship.

Be clear with the old flame. Tell him you've moved on and are happy. Don't give him any hope. Think carefully about meeting him or continuing to message him.

Inkpotlover · 17/01/2023 20:04

Your new man sounds wonderful but I don't think you'll truly know what to do until you see your ex in the flesh again. Given how happy you are right now, chances are the old feelings won't come flooding back and you can draw a line under that relationship for good. Your ex had his chance and he blew it. If the feelings are still there and are still strong, then you can weigh up what to do next. But I think not seeing him at all means you'll always wonder 'what if', and that's not fair on your new man.

But – and this is a HUGE but – if you decide to go back to your ex at a minimum you'll need assurances that he's not going to want to move abroad for work again. If you get the slightest hint of hesitation, run a mile!

WeeOrcadian · 17/01/2023 20:05

Chickpea17 · 17/01/2023 14:04

He wouldn't have left if he really loved you to start with.

This, in spades

Minimalme · 17/01/2023 20:06

I don't think the ex is being entirely truthful.

When he says he didn't approach you before now because he didn't want to upset you, what he really means is that now he knows he's coming home, he would like to jump into the relationship again.

When I met my husband I would have given up any plans to build a life with him. I knew he was the one and that I would never find anyone as awesome. We have been together 20 years and weathered some really rough events - still going strong.

Inkpotlover · 17/01/2023 20:08

WeeOrcadian · 17/01/2023 20:05

This, in spades

Show quote history

I disagree. OP said it was something he'd been working towards for years before he met her. It sounds like he wanted her to go but she didn't want to make the move.

Loafbeginsat60 · 17/01/2023 20:09

Stay with your new guy.

Chances are the ex only got back in touch as he's moving back to your area and has nothing else lined up.

Yes men are that shallow!

purpledalmation · 17/01/2023 20:16

Its such a big decision. speak to the new man and explain you still have feelings for your ex but you are not sure. say to both of them not to contact you for 4 weeks to give you time away from the whole situation to see if one is the favourite.

TiredBunny1 · 17/01/2023 20:21

WeeOrcadian · 17/01/2023 20:05

This, in spades

Show quote history

It could also be true that she doesn't really love him because she decided not to go with him. Like someone said, if it was her in the situation she would've followed her partner to LA or Uzbekistan..

This is why I think factors like age are important. When we are younger we're more likely to explore the world etc I think only the Op can determine what the Ex's real motives are - there isn't enough detail or context in the post. However, from the post it sounds as though she is erring towards her and is the one she really wants/loves

StripeyDeckchair · 17/01/2023 20:28

Never go back

Ex put his life before your joint life. That didn't work so you're his fall back, but If something else comes up he'll be off again. He's selfish & self centred

Inkpotlover · 17/01/2023 20:31

It could also be true that she doesn't really love him because she decided not to go with him.

Excellent point.

COPPER3 · 17/01/2023 20:31

This is a difficult dilemma for you.

Listen to your HEART. Imagine yourself in 5 years time. That may give you a hint as to what to do here.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 17/01/2023 20:35

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man. It connotes that everything is undergoing a consistent process of change, a reminder of the notion that change is the only constant in this universe.
You can not step into the same river twice because the river, like all things, is ever changing and is no longer the same when you hit it the second time around. And you aren't the same person either.
It's a beautiful idea. Like the day before.. is not just gone.. it's gone forever. A gentle reminder of the ephemerality of life, especially the moments we hold so dear. Move forwards, not backwards.

Rec0veringAcademic · 17/01/2023 20:37

Would the ex have messaged you if he had been happy in his new job? Nope.
He messaged you because things didn't pan out and he needed a soft surface, i.e. you, to fall on.
If this is OK by you, fair enough.
If not, move on with the new man who treats you right.
I would do the latter.

Mom2K · 17/01/2023 20:37

No advice from me I'm afraid, just some sympathy. Sounds like a rough position to be in. You could weigh up all the pros and cons in your head but at the end of the day, follow your heart. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer on this.