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Original poster

Leaving amazing new partner for my ex?

191 replies

Honeybee94 · 17/01/2023 13:42

Hello,
So my ex and I split about a year and a half ago after just over a year together. We had a great relationship but a job opportunity came up for him which meant moving overseas. This was something he had been working towards since before we met, and I couldn’t go with him as I didn’t want to leave my job, my family or my dogs. We mutually decided to split as we knew we wouldn’t be able to keep the relationship going, especially when I had no desire to move countries and he did not want to stay or come back to the UK.
The breakup was so hard and I was devastated about it.

Flash forward to now, I’ve been seeing an amazing guy for the last 4 months, he does so much for me and really cares about me. I really care about him too and could see a future with him. I thought I was over my ex. But he reached out to me over Christmas to say he is transferring with his job and moving back, life out there just wasn’t the dream that he thought it would be. He has told me how much he loves me still and misses me and wants to be with me and have a future with me. He says he didn’t say this any sooner because it would do more harm than good, knowing we couldn’t be together and he just wanted to leave me be so I could move on and be happy.

I really don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to break the new guys heart as he is perfect, this would come completely out of the blue too as everything is great - we haven’t even had one argument or even a tiny disagreement. He even booked a surprise night away for us for next weekend which has cost him a fortune, I would feel so guilty ending things with him. I told my ex I need some time, as I don’t want to see him or speak to him until I’ve made up my mind.

If this was you, would you go back? Or move forward with your new partner?

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 17/01/2023 20:38

Anyone can seem “perfect” at 4 months. I feel like this isn’t something that needs an immediate decision. Your ex can bloody cool his heels and wait.

I think since you have a question, just pause. Don’t force any decision. Just be aware you have a question, and pause. You don’t need to rush commitment in a new relationship, either, no matter what he spent on a weekend away.

give yourself time; it will become clear. But be honest with everyone! If you’re going to see the ex, be very honest and aware that that is messy, gooey energy - I wouldn’t even see him, personally, if I were focusing on a relationship with someone else.

you do not owe anyone anything. Take care of yourself first, and wait for clarity.

TedMullins · 17/01/2023 20:43

StripeyDeckchair · 17/01/2023 20:28

Never go back

Ex put his life before your joint life. That didn't work so you're his fall back, but If something else comes up he'll be off again. He's selfish & self centred

What’s wrong with putting your own life before a relationship? Too many people sacrifice their individuality and ambitions for relationships. As I and others have said if she loved him why didn’t she go with him? Why is it all on him?

opencheese · 17/01/2023 20:43

If you truly loved ex, a long distance relationship would have worked. I dont get why you both walked away

Stick with new man

SandyY2K · 17/01/2023 20:54

I also waved to say, I dunt know how old your are... but if you're going to get back work your Ex, will they're be more of a commitment, or must back to Boyfriend/Girlfriend

I'd want more than that personally. If he isn't thinking along those lines (and you would like marriage/kids) , then I'd stick with the current guy.

OnTheRoadAgain1 · 17/01/2023 20:54

I'm not sure what you should do about the ex because both of you agreed you wouldn't compromise so I don't feel he was flaky, it didn't suit either of you at the time so who knows.

Don't think new man is the one though if you've been separated with ex longer than you were with him but still thinking of leaving. New man sounds lovely so if your heart isn't fully in it don't use him as a back up.

TisUnbelievable · 17/01/2023 20:55

This was me 25 years ago, took the dream job and had a fantastic time away. However, pined after my boyfriend I’d left behind. We wrote and phoned a lot and it was so difficult. He begged me to come home and said that if I really loved him then I would just come home.

I still wish we were together but he felt I didn’t love him enough otherwise I would’ve come back to him so we broke up whilst I was still abroad. I’m back in the UK now and I hope that one day out paths will align and we will be back together. If you have this chance and think it’s genuine then I would grab it!

SandyY2K · 17/01/2023 20:56

Typos

  • wanted to say

  • Don't know how old you are

Oblomov22 · 17/01/2023 20:59

You won't choose new guy, so why pretend. You still hark for ex, so at least admit this.

OnTheRoadAgain1 · 17/01/2023 20:59

TisUnbelievable · 17/01/2023 20:55

This was me 25 years ago, took the dream job and had a fantastic time away. However, pined after my boyfriend I’d left behind. We wrote and phoned a lot and it was so difficult. He begged me to come home and said that if I really loved him then I would just come home.

I still wish we were together but he felt I didn’t love him enough otherwise I would’ve come back to him so we broke up whilst I was still abroad. I’m back in the UK now and I hope that one day out paths will align and we will be back together. If you have this chance and think it’s genuine then I would grab it!

Could he not have moved to be with you?

Ineedtosleep79 · 17/01/2023 21:00

So this is one of the universe's fucked up little tests. The answer is....

Stay with the new guy.

SimplyReadHead · 17/01/2023 21:03

I was in almost exactly the same position as you OP.

I had a good old think and decided that the original boyfriend was ‘The One’

I ditched the nice new boyfriend (and broke his heart) and got back with the ex.

We’ve now been together 26 years and have 4 kids.

I think deep down you know if your ex is your person or not. Try to take the new boyfriend out if the equation and just focus on the ex.

Do you daydream about him

Do you get excited when you think about him

Do you get butterflies when he messages you

If he’s The One then run to him.

If he’s not then thank him for the memories and let him go.

OnTheRoadAgain1 · 17/01/2023 21:03

Ineedtosleep79 · 17/01/2023 21:00

So this is one of the universe's fucked up little tests. The answer is....

Stay with the new guy.

I don't think it's fair on the new guy. Can you imagine finding out the only reason you were with your partner is because they weighed up options after their ex got back in touch and people voted stick with the new one?

No idea about the old one but think new man deserves better.

findmybalance · 17/01/2023 21:09

Easier said than done.

Ic you're having thoughts about going back, you need to either go back or be with neither

You cant stay with your new partner in these circumstances unless its 100 percent whwtyou want. The guilt will eat you alive.

TisUnbelievable · 17/01/2023 21:12

Unfortunately not he had his own work commitments, military!

Twattergy · 17/01/2023 21:13

Sounds obvious, but be with the one you have the strongest feelings for!
Take guilt out of the picture. Take the travel situation out of the picture. (I don't believe the ex did anything wrong to travel for work).
No man is perfect. We make choices about who we are with for a whole range of reasons. Neither may be 'the one'. The fact that you can't decide makes me think that neither is an undeniable 'the one' as you wouldn't be asking strangers on the Internet if they were!

tillytown · 17/01/2023 21:19

Do you really think the ex would be asking you back if the new job was going well? He only called because he was moving back anyway. It doesn't matter if you stay with the new guy or not, just don't go back to the guy who thinks he is so amazing that he can walk in and out of your life whenever he wants and that you'll drop everything for him.

Rosiestraws · 17/01/2023 21:27

barmycatmum · 17/01/2023 20:38

Anyone can seem “perfect” at 4 months. I feel like this isn’t something that needs an immediate decision. Your ex can bloody cool his heels and wait.

I think since you have a question, just pause. Don’t force any decision. Just be aware you have a question, and pause. You don’t need to rush commitment in a new relationship, either, no matter what he spent on a weekend away.

give yourself time; it will become clear. But be honest with everyone! If you’re going to see the ex, be very honest and aware that that is messy, gooey energy - I wouldn’t even see him, personally, if I were focusing on a relationship with someone else.

you do not owe anyone anything. Take care of yourself first, and wait for clarity.

I agree with this one 100%. There's no rush to make a decision. If your ex supposedly loves you so much that he's contacted you after 18 months then he can wait another few months or so can't he? I think you take some time and probably explore the relationship with the new guy and see how it develops. I wouldn't see the ex and I would perhaps even be honest and say you're dating someone now so you want to give that a chance.

I do think your age is sort of relevant here too if you want marriage/kids etc though as I guess it has an impact of timings etc..

Emmamoo89 · 17/01/2023 21:28

Definitely stay with current guy

HowcanIhelp123 · 17/01/2023 21:28

@Honeybee94 I would move forward with new guy. Ex admitted himself he's coming back because life out there isn't what he thought.

He's not coming back for you, he's coming back because he doesn't like it there and thinks he can pick up the threads of his old life he enjoyed before he left. Possibly even thinks he can move back in and life is sorted - doesn't need to look for accommodation or sex!

He left without you for his career, he's coming back anyway even if you don't take him back. What if he gets a new job in yet another country he thinks will be amazing? Do you really think he'd make a different decision this time? He has never prioritised you. New guy sounds lovely, I'd give him a chance.

ZaphodDent · 17/01/2023 21:29

I'm really shocked at some of the advice here.

"Try to take the new boyfriend out of the equation and just focus on the ex."

"Be with the one you have the strongest feelings for! Take guilt out of the picture."

OP is in a relationship. Why is it ok to forget about relationship ethics when an ex is on the scene?

How many of you have partners who have exes? How many of you would consider it just fine for them to go and see the ex to decide if they still had feelings for them?

Exes often crawl out of the woodwork and it's often destabilising. Either stay in your relationship or leave it if it's bad. Don't run off with someone else because you hope it's better. That's horrible behaviour and breaks hearts.

Areyouactuallyserious · 17/01/2023 21:31

So this was a long held career aspiration that was worth breaking up with you got, devastating you but within 18 months he’s given up and come back?
Would make me wonder if it was really so important after all, seems a bit like he’s trying to have his cake & eat it too..
I wouldn’t be rushing back. Doesn’t mean that new guy is necessarily the one either (sounds like he isn’t, if you’re in this dilemma) but ultimately he put the job before you, a job that’s done with after less than 18 months, it wouldn’t make me feel valued enough.

Ineedtosleep79 · 17/01/2023 21:31

OnTheRoadAgain1 · 17/01/2023 21:03

I don't think it's fair on the new guy. Can you imagine finding out the only reason you were with your partner is because they weighed up options after their ex got back in touch and people voted stick with the new one?

No idea about the old one but think new man deserves better.

Show quote history

I'm presuming the OP has feelings for the new guy. Else it would already be a done deal.

Frenulumetta · 17/01/2023 21:36

Lots of people forever regret leaving "the one" you need t decide who you prefer if you love them if you want what they want etc etc noone on here can tell you anything

chezpopbang · 17/01/2023 21:43

So the guy picked a job over you and now you want to leave a nice man who books surprises for you? Are you mad?! A man who will take charge and arrange a plan for you is like gold dust do not give that up for a bloke who didn't want to be in the uk a minute ago and quite happy to leave you. He would do that again in a heartbeat.

PrinceHaz · 17/01/2023 21:44

I think it’s hard to know the intentions of the ex. There’s not a chance he wouldn’t have got in contact whether due to love or due to chancing it so he has someone to come home to.
if you’re certain that you and he have strong feelings and he will be loyal to you, then it would be awful, but best in the long run, to let the new man go.