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Original poster

Leaving amazing new partner for my ex?

191 replies

Honeybee94 · 17/01/2023 13:42

Hello,
So my ex and I split about a year and a half ago after just over a year together. We had a great relationship but a job opportunity came up for him which meant moving overseas. This was something he had been working towards since before we met, and I couldn’t go with him as I didn’t want to leave my job, my family or my dogs. We mutually decided to split as we knew we wouldn’t be able to keep the relationship going, especially when I had no desire to move countries and he did not want to stay or come back to the UK.
The breakup was so hard and I was devastated about it.

Flash forward to now, I’ve been seeing an amazing guy for the last 4 months, he does so much for me and really cares about me. I really care about him too and could see a future with him. I thought I was over my ex. But he reached out to me over Christmas to say he is transferring with his job and moving back, life out there just wasn’t the dream that he thought it would be. He has told me how much he loves me still and misses me and wants to be with me and have a future with me. He says he didn’t say this any sooner because it would do more harm than good, knowing we couldn’t be together and he just wanted to leave me be so I could move on and be happy.

I really don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to break the new guys heart as he is perfect, this would come completely out of the blue too as everything is great - we haven’t even had one argument or even a tiny disagreement. He even booked a surprise night away for us for next weekend which has cost him a fortune, I would feel so guilty ending things with him. I told my ex I need some time, as I don’t want to see him or speak to him until I’ve made up my mind.

If this was you, would you go back? Or move forward with your new partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeybee94 · 17/01/2023 23:39

No, my ex didn’t know I was with anyone. It’s early days with him and we have no pictures or posts anywhere on social media etc. I’ve told my ex that I’m with someone and he’s stepped away so I can think about what I want.

Thank you everyone for your advice so far <3

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 17/01/2023 23:41

I think that the only reason he is suddenly contacting you is that he found out you are seeing someone else. I bet that if you leave this new guy, your ex won’t be in the scene for long anyway.

He could have come back earlier but he didn’t, even if he was enjoying his time away, but he didn’t so aI guess that’s your answer. Believe their actions not their words.

rightsaidfreddie · 17/01/2023 23:44

If you and your ex had REALLY wanted it to work you could have made it work!

The issue, as I see it, is that if you stay with your current partner, you will always be thinking "what if" and could end up changing your mind further down the line.

rightsaidfreddie · 17/01/2023 23:45

Do you think your ex waited for you whilst he was abroad, or just hadn't met anyone so decided to get back in contact with you?

wineNcheeseifYplease · 18/01/2023 00:24

You're his fall back plan as his new venture wasn't a goer. He did choose to leave you. He weighed up all his options and you were on the lower end of the scale. If you try to make a go of it with him you'll likely be ditched at the next new promising venture. Why would you even consider being with him when you were only ever his fall back?

Pipsquiggle · 18/01/2023 06:37

I think you need to have a think about your situation. Sounds like both men are decent and kind.

In your mid /late 20s is absolutely the time to focus on your career so I don't believe your 1st BF was wrong to take a big leap and move abroad - if he hadn't done this, it would always have been a 'what if' moment.

I don't think 4 months is long enough to know if he's the one either.

Not quite the same situation, but I went back to my original BF. We have been married for 12 years and have 2 DC.
I just realised we had the same life goals and he was /is a good, kind, hardworking man.

Good luck

ShandaLear · 18/01/2023 06:46

I think your ex got to his new place and new job, it wasn’t as good as he thought it would be, and now he wants his whole life back, lock, stock and barrel. You’re part of that. You’re his fallback girl. I’m not saying that he didn’t love you or miss you, but he was willing to give you up, and if his great adventure had panned out the way he’d wanted he wouldn’t be contacting you.

emptythelitterbox · 18/01/2023 06:58

Your ex is selfish.
He always had one foot out the door with his dream.

The only reason he contacted you is because things went sour with his dream.

If it had worked out, you wouldn't have heard from him.

You were only together a year so not a long time.
You've been apart nearly 2x that.

The bottom line is never give a man the chance to disrespect you twice and thats exactly what he's doing.

Stick with the new guy and let things play out.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 18/01/2023 07:28

I vote neither of them.

You should leave the new guy because you didn't still care about your ex, you wouldn't be dithering like you are now. It's not fair on him to be second best.

But equally I wouldn't trust that your ex won't get cold feet and run off again in a few months for another job or another opportunity.

dianekeatonsocks · 18/01/2023 07:31

Why couldn’t you have kept it going long distance?

XmasElf10 · 18/01/2023 07:36

If you wouldn’t have doubted continuing with your current relationship until now then I’d continue with that.

Either way I wouldn’t go back to the ex.

pocketvenuss · 18/01/2023 08:36

TisUnbelievable · 17/01/2023 20:55

This was me 25 years ago, took the dream job and had a fantastic time away. However, pined after my boyfriend I’d left behind. We wrote and phoned a lot and it was so difficult. He begged me to come home and said that if I really loved him then I would just come home.

I still wish we were together but he felt I didn’t love him enough otherwise I would’ve come back to him so we broke up whilst I was still abroad. I’m back in the UK now and I hope that one day out paths will align and we will be back together. If you have this chance and think it’s genuine then I would grab it!

It's been 25 years. Have you searched him out? Life's too short to just 'hope your paths will cross again'.

SD1978 · 18/01/2023 08:38

You both chose your own lives over one together. I k ow you say you couldn't leave dog and family, and he couldn't give up the opportunity, but now that the opportunity hasn't been what he thought, he's trying to get back with you? Sorry- I wouldn't be someone's fallback.

Aprilx · 18/01/2023 08:58

Stick with the new guy and see where it goes. If you and the ex truly wanted to be together, one of you would have made it happen, either you going or him staying. I think he has just contacted you so he can have a nice comfortable soft landing when he gets back.

DH and I met whilst travelling and he cut short his longer travels so we could be together. Since then we have moved overseas and back to the UK twice, there is no way that either of us would have made one of one moves alone or put a career opportunity ahead of being together.

Pipsquiggle · 18/01/2023 09:20

Why do people keep saying OP is a 'fall back'?

I actually think he has shown some good emotional intelligence:
*He gave a new job abroad a go - something he had been desperate to try pre their relationship - I think he was right to to pursue this.
*It hasn't panned out and he has realised just ploughing on in this role isn't for him, so he has come back to the UK - a lot of people would just carry on.
*He has backed off once OP has told him she is seeing someone else - again this is decent behaviour.

My point is he can admit when things haven't gone well and make a positive change to rectify it rather than just carrying on. He sounds like he is learning and trying to make positive change - many people never nurture this skill.

The only thing I can see which is a slight concern is that you both didn't compromise when he went away. You didn't even try long distance. The question is why? Only you 2 can answer that one.

It is OK to go back to a previous partner if you have both grown up a bit and realise you genuinely do value them. It sounds like he is in that place.
This happened to me & my DH (also William & Kate 😂)

Giggorata · 18/01/2023 09:22

You're plan B.
He's back because plan A didn’t work out for him and it is all too easy to drop back into an already established life with you.
i wouldn't trust that a new plan A might arise, one that doesn’t include you.
Again.

It is normal to fantasise about this, you haven't been apart that long.
But you are at the beginning of a life without him and finally feeling OK about it, after a hard break up.
I wouldn't go back.

Turmerictolly · 18/01/2023 09:26

Bit worrying that new guy has a reputation as a 'player'. He'll be on his best behaviour at the moment as it's early days. Just something to bear in mind.

Ladybug14 · 18/01/2023 09:35

Your ex chose the job over you

You will ALWAYS wonder if he'll do that again.... not necessarily a job but something/someone, over you

You deserve more than to be the option hes returning to because his dream job didn't work out. You were and are second best. You may always be , with your ex

Ladybug14 · 18/01/2023 09:38

Current guy is / was a player. He may always be a player. You may not stay with him for ever

Top tip...there are more than these 2 guys in the world 🤪 and you are so young with your whole life ahead of you

MyNameisMathilda · 18/01/2023 09:42

He dumped you once and he would do the same again if the right job came up.

dustofneptune · 18/01/2023 09:48

I feel from your posts like maybe you are liking how the new guy is on paper, but don't have anywhere near the same strength of feelings for him that you had for the ex? And obviously, there is a lot of nostalgia and drama surrounding your connection with the ex, because a big tumultuous "star-crossed lovers" breakup - due to circumstances (and not a lack of love) - has a way of romanticising and intensifying everything.

I think you're going to have to try to think about the qualities each one brings to the table. Who do you have a better time with? Who are you more compatible with? Who do you think would make a better husband and father (if you want kids)? Are they both great with your dog? Great with your family?

There is risk in either case. But that's life. You could choose the new guy but find 2 years down the line that he's the opposite of how you think he is. You could choose the ex and find the same.

In your shoes, I would think with your head first. Then meet the ex for coffee if you want to - somewhere boring and public, like a park for a walk, and dress casually. See how you feel from that.

I would avoid things like talking to the ex on the phone, meeting for dinner/drinks, etc. All of those things just add a kind of fabricated intimacy to the situation.

Pipsquiggle · 18/01/2023 09:50

Your current BF being (or was) 'a player' is also something to be wary of.

Players are very good, charming, attentive early on - this is what they are very good at, the easy stuff. You need to see if they stick around for the hard stuff - children, redundancies, sickness etc.

IME (I am mid 40s) the 'players' in their 20s are the ones who are divorced now. There are a few that have become devoted partners, but most haven't.
I know a few players who have found partners in their late 40s / 50s and they do genuinely love each other, they would all admit that it took them a while to grow up / mature

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 18/01/2023 10:18

weird he's waited literally until he's back in the country before letting you know his dream wasn't all he thought it was.

presumably he knew this some weeks or months before coming home?why didn't he reach out to you then?

not sure i could shake the suspicion that he's got home, had a look round and thought "well, i've got nothing better on"

Frazzledmummy123 · 18/01/2023 18:33

It is very difficult, however I can't help but feel you should go with your new guy as he did choose his new job over you, and that'd always bother me if I was in your situation. That said, your new guy is only new and it is a gamble to say no to your ex who you consider as the one who got away..

Would it help to ask yourself which one would bother you the most to hear they were with someone new if you chose the other?

Frazzledmummy123 · 18/01/2023 18:34

*your ex did choose his new job over you