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Original poster

How long into the relationship did you get engaged?

129 replies

mum1993 · 14/01/2023 17:16

I've been with my partner 9 years and we have 3 children and a house together. However, we are not married, in fact we aren't even engaged.

Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't affect our relationship at all but it is something that plays on my mind a lot and with every engagement announcement my heart breaks a little bit more. When I've tried to mention it, he says I'm being dramatic!

Is it normal for me to feel upset about this?

OP posts:
FT123456 · 14/01/2023 19:41

I met my partner in high school we got engaged about 8 years later (isit bad I don't actually know what year we got engaged 😂) we've got a little boy now and another little one on the way. We both do want to get married been engaged now for about 5-6 years but it's so damn expensive 😅

Original poster
mum1993 · 14/01/2023 19:42

Lessonsinchemistry · 14/01/2023 19:36

OP if you’re not working and don’t have a pension, if he won’t marry you at least make sure you get back to work asap! And check you are on the deeds or rental agreement.

I did make sure the house was in both of our names. I have a will and life insurance too.

OP posts:
Llovecookies · 14/01/2023 19:47

After 1 hour of meeting. Married a year later and have stayed married a very long time.

Jellybean23 · 14/01/2023 20:50

I was engaged to someone else but then met my now husband and saw the light. I broke off the engagement (traumatic), we began dating and he asked me to marry him after a couple of months. We married about nine months later. I was nearly 22, he was 25. That was many years ago, still happy together. But we waited 14 years before we had kids.

alwaysmovingforwards · 14/01/2023 21:03

Too soon.
But I only had 16 years to mull it over before getting divorced 😂

fairtrauchled · 14/01/2023 21:10

Engaged after 11 months and married 12 months after that.

LunaTheCat · 14/01/2023 21:14

Engaged at 2 weeks, married at 6 months, together 21 yrs.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 14/01/2023 21:17

10 years and was another 9 before we got married

Artemi · 15/01/2023 01:33

Just under a year but even then I was starting to get impatient! (I'd accidentally found the ring box in his sock drawer several weeks prior)

He'd moved in to my flat about 6 months before with a vague mutual understanding that we wanted to trial living together before committing to getting married, but we didn't plan on long-term cohabitation. So I guess you could have called us engaged at that point but we weren't ready to make it public, and MrArtemi wanted his moment of glory

Aprilx · 15/01/2023 01:50

About eight months and then we got married about six months after that.

Weenurse · 15/01/2023 01:57

Just present a case.
”We can get married on x date at registry office, do you want a family dinner after or just keep it between us?”
Explain all the legal issues of not being Married ie pensions, insurance, health care decisions.
I have a feeling if you present it and organise it, he will turn up.
If he objects, you have your answer

emptythelitterbox · 15/01/2023 02:10

The time for a proposal and engagement has long passed.

Book in with the registry office and get married.

mondaytosunday · 15/01/2023 02:10

Six weeks. Married 14 months after we met - we wanted to get married earlier but there was a delay in getting his divorce finalised (I met him some months after he and his wife separated).

RewildingAmbridge · 15/01/2023 02:14

7 years but we were relatively young, had discussed it and had other priorities first. DH knew I wouldn't have children without being married.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2023 02:21

It was actually his younger brother getting engaged that sparked a really big talk about it and he just said, 'when he's ready!'

If he's not ready after 9 years and 3 children, he never will be. Sorry, op, but he has absolutely no intention of ever marrying you.

thaegumathteth · 15/01/2023 02:21

8 months . Been together 22 years now and married 18. (Long engagement as I wanted to wait until I'd graduated)

WandaWonder · 15/01/2023 02:22

6 months

Dery · 15/01/2023 08:09

From the point of view of legal benefits, engagement gives you nothing. You need to be married. Another major one is tax. No inheritance tax is payable between spouses. It’s ridiculous for him to say he’s not ready if you have 3 children. Does he really not feel committed? Does he really feel he wants the ability to just walk away? Don’t let him fob you off. Explain why marriage needs to happen.

Ricco12 · 15/01/2023 08:43

Engaged after 1 year , married at 2 years

Just had 10th anniversary last year

DanceCapital · 15/01/2023 08:50

Do you want to be engaged or married because being engaged without a plan is pointless, it’s just jewellery.

Moonriver79 · 15/01/2023 08:50

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2023 02:21

It was actually his younger brother getting engaged that sparked a really big talk about it and he just said, 'when he's ready!'

If he's not ready after 9 years and 3 children, he never will be. Sorry, op, but he has absolutely no intention of ever marrying you.

I disageee - we got married after 10 years together!

Shoxfordian · 15/01/2023 08:55

Actions speak louder than words op: he hasn’t turned up with a massive diamond so he doesn’t want to marry you. Very easy to vaguely say you want to do it “one day” and then do nothing about it. If you’re so traditional then why did you have kids before you got married? Anyway; he’s not going to propose - why would he? He has everything he wants and his nice life with you already so there’s no reason he would.

milawops · 15/01/2023 09:10

5 years together and 2 kids and we aren't engaged. The idea of marriage gets vaguely floated by one or the other of us every now and then but then it gets forgotten about. So although we've talked about it and sort of said we probably will one day I think it would be a massive stretch to describe us as engaged.

Rainbowshine · 15/01/2023 09:50

I was going to ask about wills and the house too, I see you have updated to say that’s sorted. So the legal aspects may not be as much of a driver for you but it is still important that it does give you both (and by extension the children too) better protection than not being married.

So getting married is more about how he values you, is that right? It’s more about the relationship and you see marriage as a symbol of how important it is to him?

What does he do that makes you feel valued now? Will being married add to that feeling really? Or (and sorry if this sounds harsh) are you a bit envious of the attention and fun the brother is getting from his engagement? Is this a case of comparison being the thief of joy? If the brothers engagement hadn’t happened, would you be resigned to the situation of not being married, or content?

If you’re feeling undervalued I think you ought to ask whether marriage would be the solution. If on a daily basis you are feeling that he takes you for granted and your feelings, preferences and views are ignored or dismissed I would say that is a fundamental relationship problem that marriage won’t solve. That’s relationship counselling territory and from that you may mutually decide that marriage is something you both want to do for the other person.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 15/01/2023 09:51

5 months. We got married the following year and have been married 20 years now.