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Original poster

How long into the relationship did you get engaged?

129 replies

mum1993 · 14/01/2023 17:16

I've been with my partner 9 years and we have 3 children and a house together. However, we are not married, in fact we aren't even engaged.

Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't affect our relationship at all but it is something that plays on my mind a lot and with every engagement announcement my heart breaks a little bit more. When I've tried to mention it, he says I'm being dramatic!

Is it normal for me to feel upset about this?

OP posts:
Penguinsaregreat · 14/01/2023 18:10

Engaged just before 2 years, married after 3 years.

Eatentoomanyroses · 14/01/2023 18:16

4 months. We married about 8 months after that. He asked me to live with him first but I said I wasn’t interested in living in sin ( I’m not religious) and he got the hint. A lot of men won’t marry you if they’re getting the benefits of marriage on boyfriend status.

Mynewnametoday · 14/01/2023 18:21

Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with him? Does he know how much it would mean to you? I was with DP for five years before he proposed. We were buying a house and it was dragging on, I’d always said let’s buy the house first but I started to really want to be engaged. I told him how I felt and he proposed three months later. He may not realise how important it is to you.

If you’re otherwise happy in your relationship then I wouldn’t worry too much. Try and have a discussion about it and how much it would mean to you.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 14/01/2023 18:29

You are going to have to be proactive if you want this. There is no way I would have 3 kids without being married. The legal contract is far more important.. so he has said 'I guess' ...
you respond with 'ok I'll book it then' ... go from there . The moment he agrees to the wedding you are 'engaged' !! It's not something you need a ring for.. it's a state of being ..

Penguinsaregreat · 14/01/2023 18:31

Sorry to hit you when you are down op but it was a mistake to not give your children your name. If/when you get married you can then re register your children as children born within marriage. You can then choose to give them your dh’s name/double barrel/keep your name.
You don’t hold any cards in this game now. I’m not saying your dh does not want to marry you after all nobody on here knows him.
The name thing is an absolute no brainer for me. Always give your child your name after all if it goes belly up ( which it does an alarming percentage of times) it is usually the mother who will be left holding the baby, not the boyfriend.

TeeHeeQuodSheAndClaptTheWindowTo · 14/01/2023 18:35

Four years for us, and married six months later - we wanted to start trying for children and getting married was an important prerequisite.

TheNewlmprovedMrsMadEvans · 14/01/2023 18:36

6 months

SirChenjins · 14/01/2023 18:38

6 weeks - ridiculous really, thinking back. We’ve been married almost 30 years though, so not a bad decision!

SingingSands · 14/01/2023 18:38

Engaged at 5 years. Married at 7 years.

AliasGrape · 14/01/2023 18:42

About 2 and a half years I think. Married just over a year after that.

2chocolateoranges · 14/01/2023 18:42

Dh asked me to marry him on our 4th year anniversary. A total surprise for me as we were only in our early 20’s, we got married 5 months later… why wait.

Getting married before having children was important to us both.

endoflevelbaddy · 14/01/2023 18:45

13 months before we got engaged & married on our 3rd anniversary.

I think this is one of those things that only you can decide how important it is to you, and it's not wrong to want to get married, or not if that's your preference.

I was very sure I didn't want to financially commit to anyone by buying a house / joining accounts / staring a family etc without the protection of marriage. So he knew from early on that it wasn't optional if he wanted more than a fling.

AlwaysGinPlease · 14/01/2023 18:45

After almost 2 years we got engaged and married almost a year later.

As for " when he's ready" well if you're good enough to live with and have three children with, you're good enough to marry.

My friend was with her partner for the same, 9 years. Two children together . Different to your situation in that he was a selfish, emotionally abusive manipulator so know idea why she even wanted to get married to him but she did.

He'd always known she wanted to get married. He dangled the carrot for years. She made it clear it was marriage or she'd leave. He let her go and she's now happily married to a really lovely guy with a baby. Her ex is living at his parents, bitter and awful as ever. Their children barely bother to see him.

If he knows how much it means to you and how it upsets you and lied about it at the beginning then I'd be tempted to give him an ultimatum. You'll know where you stand then. And if that's not what you want to do, it looks like you'll not be betting married. Sorry op 💐

Mumof1andacat · 14/01/2023 18:47

Met at 18, engaged at 20, bought a house at 22, married 24 and ds at 28.

Moonriver79 · 14/01/2023 18:53

We got engaged 14 hours before we got married! The wedding was already booked but he didn’t actually propose and give me a ring until the night before. We bought our house 4 months after meeting, had children shortly after but didn’t actually get married until 10 years after meeting

stayingaliveisawayoflife · 14/01/2023 18:55

Engaged after 18 years together and married one year later. We weren't in a rush!

CarPoor · 14/01/2023 18:56

JustWhattheDoctorOrdered · 14/01/2023 17:58

was there a period when you were intending to get married, planning the wedding but hadn't hadn't actually signed the papers. I.e. you were engaged

@CarPoor

We were already living together. We both had the idea to marry, there wasn’t a ‘proposal’ and there was hardly any planning. We got married a couple of months after deciding. There was no engagement ring and we did not describe ourselves as being engaged. I don’t think it ever occurred to us because nobody at all we knew got engaged and I still don’t know anybody who has got engaged now, even though I am surrounded by friends and family who have long and happy marriages. In our family and immediate circle of friends there have been no divorces.

Here are some other things that I have heard about on MN but never experienced in RL:
Hen nights/stag parties
Large wedding dresses with trains and veils
Father ‘giving away’ a bride
wedding receptions with place names
Tiered wedding cakes

And yet here I am 30 years very happily married. As are my family and friends.

There is no connection whatsoever between engagements or any of the other things above and a happy and successful marriage.

So you were engaged then weren't you. That's all OP means. Engaged is the period between deciding to get married and getting married. What do you think engaged means?

I don't believe you that you've not heard of hen parties, big dresses, tiered wedding cakes or father giving away the bride outside of MN. Unless you lived under a rock and never watched any TV or attended any weddings in the 90s/early 00s. These aren't modern trends

As you say there's no connection. So nothing to indicate there's anything wrong with doing the above or not. Op hasn't suggested she's after a big wedding, just that she wants to marry her partner. There was no need for your judgement

PetitPorpoise · 14/01/2023 18:58

He proposed on the anniversary of our first date and we got married 18 months after that.

We had discussed marriage and were saving for a house. We bought the house while we were engaged.

elephantsings · 14/01/2023 18:59

Engaged after 3 months, married after another 8.

5 years in and 2 kids together.

pompei8309 · 14/01/2023 19:01

8 months engaged , married 14 months after, still going strong after 17 years together

JustWhattheDoctorOrdered · 14/01/2023 19:01

@CarPoor
How odd. I didn’t say I hadn’t heard of big wedding dresses etc. that would be very strange indeed. I said I had not personally experienced them myself in RL.

I was definitely not engaged and nobody I know has been engaged either. Being engaged means saying you are engaged and having an engagement ring extra.

Scarecrowrowboat · 14/01/2023 19:09

I think 2 years engaged living together 1 1/2 years before that. Got married less than year later. We just sat down, had a talk and decided to get married, it doesn't have to be a whole thing, it's more practical than anything else.

Ragwort · 14/01/2023 19:21

Surely being engaged means you are planning to get married? Confused It doesn't mean you have to have a fairytale proposal, expensive ring or make a 'big' announcement.... although I appreciate that for some women all that side of it seems important.

LadyEloise1 · 14/01/2023 19:23

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/01/2023 18:08

Please tell me you have a job and a pension.

This @mum1993

Have you the house sorted between you also ?

Lessonsinchemistry · 14/01/2023 19:36

OP if you’re not working and don’t have a pension, if he won’t marry you at least make sure you get back to work asap! And check you are on the deeds or rental agreement.

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