Page 3 | How long into the relationship did you get engaged?

mum1993 · 2023-01-14T17:16:47+00:00

I've been with my partner 9 years and we have 3 children and a house together. However, we are not married, in fact we aren't even engaged. Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't affect our relationship at all but it is something that plays on my mind a lot and with every engagement announcement my heart breaks a little bit more. When I've tried to mention it, he says I'm being dramatic! Is it normal for me to feel upset about this?

GyozaGuiting · 14/01/2023 17:49

Engaged after 16 months
Married at 2 years
Been together 12 years now
But we were military and military relationships usually love fast so you can get a military married house 😂 All worked out ok though

DorisParchment · 14/01/2023 17:49

He proposed after five weeks and we got married a year later. We didn’t live together before we got married. We’ve been married for thirty years.

If he won’t marry you, OP, make sure that all of your finances are watertight and that the house is in joint names.

pinneddownbytabbies · 14/01/2023 17:52

3 months 😃
It will be our silver wedding anniversary this year.

Badger1970 · 14/01/2023 17:53

12 months.

We weren't in any hurry to marry as we had our first DC about 18 months later, but he got really pissed off that our baby had my surname and not his so we were married when they were 5 months old.

WillowintheUK · 14/01/2023 17:54

Engaged after 18 months, married 18 months later. 50th anniversary next month. He’s in the kitchen just now cooking me a steak. He’s a keeper 🙂

thislittlelightomine · 14/01/2023 17:55

Expecting to get engaged - and getting upset about it - when you've been together that long and had several children is like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted unfortunately

IME once you've given a man years and children there just isn't the incentive to do it

Starlitestarbright · 14/01/2023 17:55

Got engaged after 7 months together were togeyher 4 years before we got married and been married for 8 years and counting.

SprayedWithDettol · 14/01/2023 17:56

6 weeks together and then engaged - married at 18 months. Married a long time and v happy.

QuerulousMegapode · 14/01/2023 17:56

About a month. Married a year later. Still married 23 years later.

Bbq1 · 14/01/2023 17:56

Engaged after 6 months after we met and married 2 years from the day we met. I can understand you feeling upset but after 9 years I wouldn't think marriage was on the cards if it hasn't been discussed.

Butwhytho · 14/01/2023 17:57

2.5 years, married 7 months later. DH and I discussed very early on how important marriage was to us and I said how I absolutely wouldn’t be having children before marriage, so it was very clear where we stood.

Usernameisgone · 14/01/2023 17:58

2 years.
He proposed the day I got my divorce papers 😂
We are getting married this year on our 5th Anniversary
1st Baby due any day now.

JustWhattheDoctorOrdered · 14/01/2023 17:58

was there a period when you were intending to get married, planning the wedding but hadn't hadn't actually signed the papers. I.e. you were engaged

@CarPoor

We were already living together. We both had the idea to marry, there wasn’t a ‘proposal’ and there was hardly any planning. We got married a couple of months after deciding. There was no engagement ring and we did not describe ourselves as being engaged. I don’t think it ever occurred to us because nobody at all we knew got engaged and I still don’t know anybody who has got engaged now, even though I am surrounded by friends and family who have long and happy marriages. In our family and immediate circle of friends there have been no divorces.

Here are some other things that I have heard about on MN but never experienced in RL:
Hen nights/stag parties
Large wedding dresses with trains and veils
Father ‘giving away’ a bride
wedding receptions with place names
Tiered wedding cakes

And yet here I am 30 years very happily married. As are my family and friends.

There is no connection whatsoever between engagements or any of the other things above and a happy and successful marriage.

shivawn · 14/01/2023 18:01

9 years. We were together almost 11 years by the time we got married.
We got together young and spent a lot of time travelling in our early 20's, then when we came home to settle down we both retrained, started new careers and then bought a house together. Wedding just wasn't as big of a priority as those other things. We didn't have kids but we had a mortgage, joint finances, same social circles, dog and so on so I always felt we were as good as married anyway.

Original poster

mum1993 · 14/01/2023 18:01

Just wanted to answer a few recurring questions:

He's always said he wanted to get married from early on in the relationship. If he had said he didn't want marriage then I wouldn't have pursued the relationship.

We have discussed marriage a number of times during the 9 years but nothing has materialised. I completely agree that I could just organise something but it would be nice to feel as though somebody loved you so much they wanted to declare that with an engagement.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 14/01/2023 18:03

We got engaged after a year and then married ten months later. To be blunt, I would not consider living with someone without a firm commitment to marriage and certainly not have DC without being married. I waited 12 years before having a DC (after our marriage!) to be absolutely sure it was the right decision .

I don't understand why you say you are 'traditional' but were happy to have three DC without being married? Have you got Wills, life insurance, pension provision and all legal paperwork sorted?

Your DP clearly isn't interested in getting married sadly ...

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 18:03

We got married a couple of months after deciding.

engagement
noun
engagement noun (MARRIAGE)

[ C ]
an agreement to marry someone

bakewellbride · 14/01/2023 18:05

Engaged at 3 years and married 3 more after that.

shivawn · 14/01/2023 18:06

With 3 children and a house together then I can understand how life is busy and time just passed by. It sounds as though you are very secure and commited to each other but if marriage is very important to you then I wouldn't be afraid to give him a firm push in that direction.

Things were a bit different in my relationship in that I was the one thinking marriage was no big deal and we were as good as married anyway. I'd have been happy to procrastinate on it for another 5+ years but he wanted to get married. Doesn't mean I didn't love him as much, the piece of paper just wasn't as important to me.

shivawn · 14/01/2023 18:06

With 3 children and a house together then I can understand how life is busy and time just passed by. It sounds as though you are very secure and commited to each other but if marriage is very important to you then I wouldn't be afraid to give him a firm push in that direction.

Things were a bit different in my relationship in that I was the one thinking marriage was no big deal and we were as good as married anyway. I'd have been happy to procrastinate on it for another 5+ years but he wanted to get married. Doesn't mean I didn't love him as much, the piece of paper just wasn't as important to me.

thislittlelightomine · 14/01/2023 18:07

mum1993 · 14/01/2023 18:01

Just wanted to answer a few recurring questions:

He's always said he wanted to get married from early on in the relationship. If he had said he didn't want marriage then I wouldn't have pursued the relationship.

We have discussed marriage a number of times during the 9 years but nothing has materialised. I completely agree that I could just organise something but it would be nice to feel as though somebody loved you so much they wanted to declare that with an engagement.

So why, when you were planning to conceive would you not say that you wanted the commitment of marriage first? My husband tried it with me - and I said absolutely no way would there be a baby without a ring on my finger first?

mydogisthebest · 14/01/2023 18:08

DH proposed 2 months after we met. I didn't want an engagement ring as, for me, they are pointless.

We got married 3 months later. DH was 23 and I was 25. We have been married 42 years and are very happy.

We never lived together. We just wanted to be married and spend the rest of our lives together.

If your OH wanted marriage he would have proposed by now. Nine years is a ridiculous length of time to be together and not even engaged let alone married. Really if marriage was important to you, you should have married before you had children

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/01/2023 18:08

Please tell me you have a job and a pension.

Flittingaboutagain · 14/01/2023 18:08

We didn't get engaged we discussed shall we get married after being together 18 months. We discussed getting married on our first date.

Loachworks · 14/01/2023 18:09

Engaged after three months married six months later. It was the early 90s so less unusual but looking back it was far too quickly and we're fortunate it worked for us.
Our eldest DS has just proposed after nine years (other two DC are still teens.) Their wedding is booked for the Summer of 2024. It was in a very romantic setting in South America and although they had discussed it it was still a huge surprise and very romantic. They were only teenagers when they first started going out so are still relatively young. They have travelled and bought a house four years ago but both wanted to be married before trying to start a family.
I'd want a clear answer from your DP one way or the other. it would be a deal-breaker if he didn't want to marry me It feels from your posts that he gets everything his way. Who told you it was traditional for DC to have their father's surname, when the opposite is true?