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Original poster

How long into the relationship did you get engaged?

129 replies

mum1993 · 14/01/2023 17:16

I've been with my partner 9 years and we have 3 children and a house together. However, we are not married, in fact we aren't even engaged.

Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't affect our relationship at all but it is something that plays on my mind a lot and with every engagement announcement my heart breaks a little bit more. When I've tried to mention it, he says I'm being dramatic!

Is it normal for me to feel upset about this?

OP posts:
1982mommaof4 · 14/01/2023 17:33

10 years!! It was a bloody long wait but I'm glad we did now.

Ilikegherkins · 14/01/2023 17:33

Together 33 years - engaged and married last year. Loved having our grown up children play a really special part in the day.

Emmamoo89 · 14/01/2023 17:34

A year

Simonjt · 14/01/2023 17:34

Suprima · 14/01/2023 17:23

‘why haven’t you proposed?’ is always thrown out on these threads

OP has discussed marriage with her boyfriend

he doesn’t sound keen

her proposing won’t change that.

that’s the problem.

Show quote history

I didn’t realise there had been a previous thread where the OP had discussed this, people will reply to the OP surely, not this and othet threads combined?

MrsMontyD · 14/01/2023 17:34

Engaged after two years of knowing each other, 18 months in a serious relationship. We'll be living together soon after four years together. We've both been married before and have dc, won't be having any more so we're taking it slowly.

With my exH we were engaged and married before we had dc, we'd set the wedding date before living together.

CarPoor · 14/01/2023 17:34

JustWhattheDoctorOrdered · 14/01/2023 17:31

We have been married 30 years, as have most of my friends. We didn’t get engaged and neither did anybody I know. It sounds like something from the 1950s.

So you just woke up one morning in the registry office did you?

Or was there a period when you were intending to get married, planning the wedding but hadn't hadn't actually signed the papers. I.e. you were engaged

Onnabugeisha · 14/01/2023 17:35

2 months to engaged, and then registry office married 3 weeks later.

It was a secret marriage though as DH is different nationality, class, ethnicity & religion. My parents weren’t approving of my “fling” and thought I was just seeing him to piss them off by “slumming”. So we pretended we were engaged for 18 months and then we had a church wedding for them.🤪

That was almost 29 yrs ago.

blankittyblank · 14/01/2023 17:36

Been with my partner 18 years and still haven't got married or engaged... I suppose we're technically engaged in that we talk about getting married sometime but neither of us can be arsed to sort it out. We have 2 kids and house so now feels sort of pointless, although legally we probably should do it one day.

Lordofmyflies · 14/01/2023 17:37

Dated for 6 maths before an 18mth engagement. That was 25 years ago. We both wanted marriage before kids though and as DH was in the services at the stage it was far more practical to be married.

Roselilly36 · 14/01/2023 17:37

Engaged after 4mths, married after living together for 5 years, been married 28 years.

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 14/01/2023 17:37

We'd basically decided not to get married (I've been married before and wasn't keen, and he'd never wanted to) but after DD was born, we changed our minds and got engaged. We'd been together 4 years, and were engaged for a further 3 before we got married. We've now been happily (mostly) married for 9 years.

If he's still saying he's not ready this long in to the relationship, there's every possibility he never will be. Is that a deal breaker for you?

Original poster
mum1993 · 14/01/2023 17:39

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 14/01/2023 17:37

We'd basically decided not to get married (I've been married before and wasn't keen, and he'd never wanted to) but after DD was born, we changed our minds and got engaged. We'd been together 4 years, and were engaged for a further 3 before we got married. We've now been happily (mostly) married for 9 years.

If he's still saying he's not ready this long in to the relationship, there's every possibility he never will be. Is that a deal breaker for you?

He doesn't ever say why. He says he wants to get married and has said that from early on in the relationship but there are no factors as to why he hasn't - if that makes sense.

I think if he had said he didn't want to get married when we first met, I wouldn't have pursued getting to know him.

OP posts:
Lessonsinchemistry · 14/01/2023 17:40

OP do you still work? Do you have access to savings? Is the house in both your names? These are more important issues IMO than the lack of ring, if you’re not married and have 3 DCs.

Original poster
mum1993 · 14/01/2023 17:41

Sisisimone · 14/01/2023 17:26

Engaged after 3 months of dating. Took a few years to get married as we went travelling for a year then had to save for the wedding. Been married 22 years.

Have you never discussed getting married OP? Seems odd after 9 years and 3 children that you are completely in the dark about his intentions.

We have spoken about it a few times but nothing has ever materialised from it. Which now makes me question if he actually wants too.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 14/01/2023 17:41

I'm going to be a bit of an outlier here.

Engaged after 3 months.
Engaged for 3 months.
Married for almost 40 years.
Still happily married.

Db384792xbfb · 14/01/2023 17:41

Several decades! But we didn't have kids and were equal financially (we did get married in the end for tax and pension reasons). And we were only "engaged" in the sense that we had a registry office date booked. We never told anyone!! Paperwork's still good mind.

Be very pragmatic here OP - if your DP is penniless and always will be, don't bother. Otherwise, then just start booking the registry office and the appointment to give notice. You want to get married, so just go for it under the assumption that he does love you but CBA. I guess you'll find out soon enough whether that's the case...!

Notaflippinclue · 14/01/2023 17:42

One year exactly

layladomino · 14/01/2023 17:43

Op - you say you're 'traditional like that' about giving your children your partner's name.... except that tradition is that children have their mother's name. And why were you traditional about something as (relatively) unimportant as their surname but not about something as important as legal commitment before having children?

It seems the only time 'traditional' decisions were important was when they were what your partner wanted. He gets children with his surname, and no commitment made to their mother.

I know you can't undo the pastso I apologise for asking an unhelpful question. You've probably already asked yourself that question many times by now.

I agree with pp - he doesn't want to marry you. He knows you want to get married, he knows it's 'normal' to be married after 9 years and children. He knows it would make you happy. Yet he still won't do it.

WordtoYoMumma · 14/01/2023 17:43

Engaged after a year, married 9 months later

Dacadactyl · 14/01/2023 17:43

I would be annoyed in your shoes too. If I'm good enough to act like his wife, I'm good enough for him to bloody well give me the security of marriage.

We got married 3 years in and were engaged for just over 4 months before our wedding.

wonderstuff · 14/01/2023 17:44

we decided to get married after about a month, actually married after 3 years. Been married 21 years now. I think you need to find out what is holding him back, and make sure your wills are made and any significant assets are in both names.

TotteringByGenteely · 14/01/2023 17:44

Engaged after 2 years, then married 2 years after that.

I'd say after 9 years, 3 children and a house you need to be very clear to your OH that you want engagement and marriage or he'll be very happy to leave things as they are.

Welshgirl10 · 14/01/2023 17:45

11 years together first and then due to be married next year! We were younger when we got together and I'm glad that we waited, rather than rushing into anything as it suited us.

We had discussed it a lot first though and I was happy and comfortable that a proposal was coming, so it's certainly a serious conversation to have.

Prisonbreak · 14/01/2023 17:47

We have been together just over 10 years. Not engaged. However I don’t care about. Even if he did propose, I probably wouldn’t bother with a wedding. It doesn’t matter to me

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 17:47

So you just woke up one morning in the registry office did you?

I was imagining a situation where somebody woke up one morning with a ring on their finger and a marriage certificate on the pillow.