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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband attacked me last night handhold

195 replies

Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 09:43

We had an argument about our 1 year olds sleep, he’s been up screaming for weeks, husband wants to do CIO but it doesn’t work, too afraid to go against him ive caved for 30 mins but it doesn’t work and I’m on the verge of tears.

last night I said this to him and it prompted a row, he blamed me for wanting to work on sleep, I did and I bought a gentle sleep package but he wouldn’t do it, he then called me a rat and pathetic so I flicked some water from our en suite at him, he flipped jumped up and grabbed me by the throat and pinned me down on the bed, this happened several times. I don’t even recall why. I’m not sure if he punched me in the face, I think so but I can’t remember. He won’t leave, i begged and pleaded but he won’t, my hesitation about the police is their general incompetence in this area and the fall out job wise for him which would affect his ability to pay for his kids. I threatened to call the police and it may come to that but he just won’t leave, I have no where to go. I’m due to start a new job Monday I can’t, I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose the job or I lose my income, I can’t go to a refuge on my first day with my kids. I just can’t think

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 14/01/2023 09:47

Can you go somewhere quiet away from him and phone womens aid for advice? Also the police should remove him from your home as he’s been violent to you. Do you have friends or family you can contact today? If you feel unsafe then please call 999

So sorry this happened to you

liveforsummer · 14/01/2023 09:48

You HAVE to call the police. This needs to be on record going forward. Also something the family courts need to have documented if/when any access potentially turns nasty. It will help you in so many ways. Forget about the money side for now. Your safety and that of your dc is more important

KangarooKenny · 14/01/2023 09:49

You need to report this to the police

GrazingSheep · 14/01/2023 09:50

You know you have to leave him. If you read back over your own threads for the last couple of years you can see how his abuse has been escalating.
Please call Women’s Aid if you feel you can’t call the police.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2023 09:50

I would urge you to call the police anyway; he attacked you within the home and with a child within it. He can and should be removed. Your children and you need to live in an abuse free home; the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He needs to be shown there are consequences for his actions. He may or equally may not lose his job here; those are problems for him and not yours to own or otherwise carry.

I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid or if you can go out, go into a branch of Boots and ask for ANI. Their staff can take you to a private area where you can access domestic violence support services.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 09:53

Yeah I can see the abuse has been escalating but you just don’t want to believe it and I know it will happen again and it will get worse but I just have 0 strength in me. I have no one, literally no one, no where to go.

i don’t know what to do about my job? It’s FT and he was watching the children Monday as he has flex hours. What do i do?

i took pictures and my neck is all red, no bruises. When my mother used to abuse me, I took pictures but she told the police I did i myself, and they believed her, he’ll do that too

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 14/01/2023 09:58

It really does need to be police. You need to let this happen.

Zanatdy · 14/01/2023 09:58

You’ll be no good to your kids if you’re no longer here. Sorry to be blunt but it’s never a one off. This sounds extremely violent and dangerous and you must protect yourself. Do you have any relatives who would come over (preferably male) to help encourage him to leave and then stay with you? Please stay safe OP

liveforsummer · 14/01/2023 10:00

The police are more clued up now than they were back when you are a child. Ring both them and womens aid. The job situation is tricky but thins is more important. Are your dc even safe with this man?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2023 10:01

There is strength in you, you had the foresight to post here.

You need to call the Police and he needs to be removed; abuse like this will escalate further and you cannot afford to be potentially laid up in hospital due to his assaulting of you. Grabbing you by the throat is a huge red flag.

I am so sorry to read your mother abused you as a child; I sincerely hope you have no contact with her any more. Your childhood experiences primed you into finding and seeking out abusers like this person because abuse is what you know.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your relationship with this man is over because of what he has done to you.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 10:01

Zanatdy · 14/01/2023 09:58

You’ll be no good to your kids if you’re no longer here. Sorry to be blunt but it’s never a one off. This sounds extremely violent and dangerous and you must protect yourself. Do you have any relatives who would come over (preferably male) to help encourage him to leave and then stay with you? Please stay safe OP

No one, there is literally no one in the world that cares about me (children aside) my family would love it if they knew.

what do I do about my job?

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 14/01/2023 10:01

He has probably done this now because he knows you start working again on Monday and are edging towards independence from him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2023 10:01

None of this is your fault, none of it. It is all on the people who have chosen to abuse.

keepareaclean · 14/01/2023 10:03

Alexandernevermind · 14/01/2023 10:01

He has probably done this now because he knows you start working again on Monday and are edging towards independence from him.

This. Please put yourself and your children before this job. He is counting on your letting this go because you 'need' him. You don't need him.

MushroomQueen · 14/01/2023 10:03

You need to report to police - for your safety, the kids and also to demonstrate you're acting protectively to your children- this is domestic violence and kids can suffer emotional harm. You need to show your the protective adult, if you're in the UK, police visit will trigger social services who will come and talk with you to ensure kids are ok.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2023 10:03

Your job is also why you should get the police involved.

You won't be able to do a job if he keeps on attacking you; he will put you in hospital or even worse a morgue.

Karwomannghia · 14/01/2023 10:05

Can you contact your job and ask to delay your start for a week? Women’s aid can help and house you. Just make the call. I’m sorry to hear you have no one- do you go to any play groups or anything? You need a friend right now.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 14/01/2023 10:06

Ring the police
getnhim removed from the house
explain to your new job what’s happened
they will support 100%
you have to do this op

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 10:07

MushroomQueen · 14/01/2023 10:03

You need to report to police - for your safety, the kids and also to demonstrate you're acting protectively to your children- this is domestic violence and kids can suffer emotional harm. You need to show your the protective adult, if you're in the UK, police visit will trigger social services who will come and talk with you to ensure kids are ok.

He will lie and say I abuse them I know that, the vindictiveness will come out, I’m scared I’ll lose them

OP posts:
keepareaclean · 14/01/2023 10:08

He will lie and say I abuse them I know that, the vindictiveness will come out, I’m scared I’ll lose them

Of course he will. You are unlikely to lose your children though. This man is abusing you and your kids, he won't stop. You are not choosing between him and your kids. You choose YOURSELF for your kids.

chelle0 · 14/01/2023 10:09

Call the police. When my ex said that it was me that tried to kill myself instead of him with his hands around my neck, the took him away and left me with my baby. You need to call them.

Nat6999 · 14/01/2023 10:09

Ring the police & ask to speak to the Domestic Abuse Officer & if you don't get any help, speak to the Police & Crime Commissioner.

TokyoSushi · 14/01/2023 10:11

Oh OP, please call the police. This sounds absolutely terrifying and needs to stop, today.

The job is secondary, can you contact them and ask to delay your start by a week?

The mist important thing just now is the safety of you and your DC.

Sending strength, you can do this and we'll be here to support you Flowers

Karwomannghia · 14/01/2023 10:11

They’ll be more concerned about your children if you don’t do anything.

Zanatdy · 14/01/2023 10:14

Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 10:01

No one, there is literally no one in the world that cares about me (children aside) my family would love it if they knew.

what do I do about my job?

Show quote history

Well I run a large team and if I was contacted and told this I’d arrange to push your start date back a little. I’m sure they will be supportive if you’re honest with them