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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband attacked me last night handhold

195 replies

Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 09:43

We had an argument about our 1 year olds sleep, he’s been up screaming for weeks, husband wants to do CIO but it doesn’t work, too afraid to go against him ive caved for 30 mins but it doesn’t work and I’m on the verge of tears.

last night I said this to him and it prompted a row, he blamed me for wanting to work on sleep, I did and I bought a gentle sleep package but he wouldn’t do it, he then called me a rat and pathetic so I flicked some water from our en suite at him, he flipped jumped up and grabbed me by the throat and pinned me down on the bed, this happened several times. I don’t even recall why. I’m not sure if he punched me in the face, I think so but I can’t remember. He won’t leave, i begged and pleaded but he won’t, my hesitation about the police is their general incompetence in this area and the fall out job wise for him which would affect his ability to pay for his kids. I threatened to call the police and it may come to that but he just won’t leave, I have no where to go. I’m due to start a new job Monday I can’t, I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose the job or I lose my income, I can’t go to a refuge on my first day with my kids. I just can’t think

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/01/2023 17:06

I know some will disagree with me, but keeping that new job can be the start of your way out and is well worth keeping at some 'cost'

@AcrossthePond55 OP's husband has a more senior job at the same company. She would not be safe working there.

OP - the DWP has special provision for people fleeing domestic violence. PP has provided the link above. You are entitled to UC and HB and other benefits.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/01/2023 17:49

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2023 17:06

I know some will disagree with me, but keeping that new job can be the start of your way out and is well worth keeping at some 'cost'

@AcrossthePond55 OP's husband has a more senior job at the same company. She would not be safe working there.

OP - the DWP has special provision for people fleeing domestic violence. PP has provided the link above. You are entitled to UC and HB and other benefits.

If there is a danger of him attacking OP at work or if he has actual 'power' over her job, you're right. But if it's a large employer with a good HR dept and/or multiple facilities, there may be a way to keep the job safely, at least long enough to save up, get out, and get another job.

I know that's a lot of 'ifs' and the OP will have to make that call for herself. Where I worked it was, and still is, possible. But I'm in the US, there may not be as much job protection in the UK as there is here (in certain industries).

MotherOfTheGruffalo · 14/01/2023 17:52

Gosh OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I know it feels like there’s no clear way out, but please, try to stay calm and don’t lose hope.
There’s been lots of good advice on here so I won’t add more.

Just wanted to sat that you do not deserve this shit, not from your husband and not from your mother. They are low life scum to have behaved in this way towards you and then to justify it by blaming you. It is in no way your fault, they are just weak, pathetic bullies.…You are strong enough to get through this, no matter what crap and lies your husband comes out with. Your kids have you, and you will remove them from this toxic and dangerous environment and break this horrific cycle of abuse. 💐

Lifeistough74 · 14/01/2023 18:00

Oh gosh yeah that’s awful , try and get to a safe place . With the kids situation try and get an arranged appointment each week with the social worker and explain everything.

Do explain to work you need time to adjust as well.

walkinthewoodstoday · 14/01/2023 18:22

Don't wait till it gets rock bottom. I know it's hard to think like that, but I would try and make plans now. Yes, things may be difficult (if you have parents that can support and help then it will be easier) but don't waste any more of your life. I was given advice on here and I ignored it and my life has become worse. Please please try and move on

walkinthewoodstoday · 14/01/2023 18:25

And if you don't think you can leave straight away, start planning. I understand what you are saying- it's not that easy to just leave without childcare/finances etc. take the job, start saving secretly. Have an end goal. If you are married then you can get divorced and some assets. It doesn't have to happen all at once, you just need to start thinking about the future. Small steps.

walkinthewoodstoday · 14/01/2023 18:28

Sorry, me again! I do think taking and keeping the job is positive as it gives you steps towards independence. Without it you are trapped. He's not going to do any bollocks at work, and if he does you report it just as you would any workplace bullying. Don't let him know your plans. Don't let him know you've had enough. Play the game. Also, start making sure the children are in nursery/childcare and that that is paid for by him.

Galectable · 14/01/2023 18:29

That feeling that there is literally no one who cares about you is holding you back from taking action. Once you do something you will find an army of supporters out there. Posting here was the first step...keep going xx

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 14/01/2023 18:35

You have to leave. I can’t remember the exact stats but neck grabbing and being murdered by your partner closely correlate. If you die and he’s not imprisoned he will keep your children, if he is imprisoned I’ve seen kids be ordered to attend jail visits. Don’t do it to your kids - leave for them if not for you.

JJ8765 · 14/01/2023 18:44

if you plan to stay in house then you need to get a court order so he can’t come back. Otherwise you need to take the dc to safeguard them and leave, forget about the job and mortgage and just accept for a few months you will live off UC and HB in temp housing until you can get on your feet. You won’t need childcare if you are not working. You don’t need the job we have a benefits system for this situation. it will be tough short term but you have good earning potential so that’s a big positive. No house or possessions are worth risking your and your dc safety. You need someone to witness marks eg police, social worker, teacher etc so he can’t have unsupervised contact

Dervel · 14/01/2023 18:51

None of this is your fault, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I believe you. You are worth something. Your children are worth it too.

JWhipple · 14/01/2023 18:59

The fact he's grabbing you my the throat/choking you is significant. On the risk assessment used by various agencies this is flagged up. I believe it's due to it being previously reported in cases where the woman is later murdered. And common sense indicates this is not a person you want to be around.

Call the police, be clear he's repeatedly grabbing you by the throat.

This isn't going to get any better.

Please please look after yourself and keep calling the police.

Also call your local women's aid

TeaandTimelords · 14/01/2023 19:01

OP did you explain to the police you’d been assaulted and he was still in the house? I’ve been a police officer and worked on the phones receiving 999 and 101 calls and there is no way that situation would be left for 24hours and he would be spoken to for his side of the story?

Darkoutsideclosethecurtains · 14/01/2023 19:12

Sorry to hear your situation is so grave and the relevant authorities aren't treating it as urgent. I can't offer specific advice on refuges, work etc but PPs are giving good advice on how to ask for help, please don't take No for an answer from police etc. You know you are strong and it's time for you to take charge for your own sake and your children's sake 🌸💐

anotherscroller · 14/01/2023 19:22

Alexandernevermind · 14/01/2023 10:01

He has probably done this now because he knows you start working again on Monday and are edging towards independence from him.

Exactly this

Dibbydoos · 14/01/2023 19:34

Hi OP. Thinking about you following your post.

Order a door lock from Amazon - the ones that work on any door hitch, stay in a different room to him and use the door lock so he can't come in without your permission.

He will not harm your kids on Monday so go to work. Ask around where people have their kids looked after and at lunch, find a creche/ nursery/ child minder for your children near your work and book them in asap. Charge the costs to your joint/his bank account.
Find emergency accomodation or a reasonable cost rental. Apply for UC (tax credits).
Once you have left the home, tell him your solicitors details so he can arrange to visit the children, tell him how much money you need from him in maintenance until its officially sorted.

Be clear with the chilcare what has happened as he cannot pick the children up.

Terrible situ, OP. Sending you a big hug xxxx

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 19:41

TeaandTimelords · 14/01/2023 19:01

OP did you explain to the police you’d been assaulted and he was still in the house? I’ve been a police officer and worked on the phones receiving 999 and 101 calls and there is no way that situation would be left for 24hours and he would be spoken to for his side of the story?

I explained it exaclry how I did here, they seemed somewhat sympathetic. I’ve had a call back now, they spoke to him for his side of the story and won’t be coming out, despite the fact I’ve got photos as it sounds like a ‘tit for tat’ and we both need to be very careful moving forward. I don’t know what he told them. He was at his mums, so maybe she’s corroborated what he said. I kinda stopped listening because it was just bollocks

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/01/2023 19:46

Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 19:41

I explained it exaclry how I did here, they seemed somewhat sympathetic. I’ve had a call back now, they spoke to him for his side of the story and won’t be coming out, despite the fact I’ve got photos as it sounds like a ‘tit for tat’ and we both need to be very careful moving forward. I don’t know what he told them. He was at his mums, so maybe she’s corroborated what he said. I kinda stopped listening because it was just bollocks

Show quote history

Tit for Tat?

What on earth has he said to them to make them think that you've assaulted him in an equal way to a strangulation?

I do not understand the police sometimes. Frequently, actually. Women (and their relatives) seem to be left at the mercy of dangerous men all the time.
Sometimes the women are murdered.

Sid077 · 14/01/2023 20:02

Great he’s gone and left keys. I would keep the job as others have said its your path out of this abusive relationship, contact HR / Hiring mgr asap by mail and and explain unexpected childcare issues, personally I wouldn’t go into details as he works there and you need him to keep his job too so he can pay maintenance. Organise nursery, childminder as soon as you can. Stay for 6 months and then move on to another company, by not taking the job the only person you’re hurting is you. You deserve to live in peace without any threat of violence or abuse {flowers}

TeaandTimelords · 14/01/2023 20:19

Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 19:41

I explained it exaclry how I did here, they seemed somewhat sympathetic. I’ve had a call back now, they spoke to him for his side of the story and won’t be coming out, despite the fact I’ve got photos as it sounds like a ‘tit for tat’ and we both need to be very careful moving forward. I don’t know what he told them. He was at his mums, so maybe she’s corroborated what he said. I kinda stopped listening because it was just bollocks

Show quote history

Which force works in your area OP?

keepareaclean · 14/01/2023 20:29

The police told you it was 'tit for tat'? He fucking pinned you to the bed by the throat, several times, and the police told you it is 'tit for rat' - I'm fucking stunned OP. What's the deal with the needing to be careful going forward? Sounds like a threat, was that from the police?

Whiskeypowers · 14/01/2023 20:58

He will have told them a crock of shit

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 14/01/2023 21:03

Have you contacted Women's Aid?

Desmondo2021 · 14/01/2023 21:05

As a police officer myself I'm struggling to accept you have understood, or portrayed on here, their response accurately. Sorry if that's harsh, I simply don't believe it is how you have posted in terms of what you told them and what they said. What force is it.

TeaandTimelords · 14/01/2023 21:51

Desmondo2021 · 14/01/2023 21:05

As a police officer myself I'm struggling to accept you have understood, or portrayed on here, their response accurately. Sorry if that's harsh, I simply don't believe it is how you have posted in terms of what you told them and what they said. What force is it.

This, I’ve worked for several forces and are can’t see anyway that would have been the response if you’ve reported what you wrote on here

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