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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband attacked me last night handhold

195 replies

Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 09:43

We had an argument about our 1 year olds sleep, he’s been up screaming for weeks, husband wants to do CIO but it doesn’t work, too afraid to go against him ive caved for 30 mins but it doesn’t work and I’m on the verge of tears.

last night I said this to him and it prompted a row, he blamed me for wanting to work on sleep, I did and I bought a gentle sleep package but he wouldn’t do it, he then called me a rat and pathetic so I flicked some water from our en suite at him, he flipped jumped up and grabbed me by the throat and pinned me down on the bed, this happened several times. I don’t even recall why. I’m not sure if he punched me in the face, I think so but I can’t remember. He won’t leave, i begged and pleaded but he won’t, my hesitation about the police is their general incompetence in this area and the fall out job wise for him which would affect his ability to pay for his kids. I threatened to call the police and it may come to that but he just won’t leave, I have no where to go. I’m due to start a new job Monday I can’t, I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose the job or I lose my income, I can’t go to a refuge on my first day with my kids. I just can’t think

OP posts:

kateandme · 14/01/2023 21:58

If this really was there answer phone them back. Tell them what you were told. And repeat again. I'm afraid for my life. are you going to take responsibility for my death with your reply? and not coming out and saving my life.I am afraid for my life. his behaviour has escalated he's not pinned me down and choked me several times. are you saying this is typical or toy for that. are you saying this is ok .are you saying you are not going to help me. I just want to make sure I've got that right that you're not going to help a victim of domestic abuse when they been choked?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 14/01/2023 22:04

I understand why people are doubting the response of the police but it varies greatly force by force.

When I was with my ex, I came home one evening to him drunk and aggressive and threatening. He scared me to the point where I called 999. He didn’t lift his hands. (That night). The police immediately came out and removed him from the property for the evening.

My cousin lives 80 miles from me. Different police force. She was told that her ex husband swearing and shouting and pushing her onto her bed with her weeks old baby in her arms didn’t warrant a visit and was not an assault.

Original poster

Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 22:06

TeaandTimelords · 14/01/2023 21:51

This, I’ve worked for several forces and are can’t see anyway that would have been the response if you’ve reported what you wrote on here

Show quote history

Well… what possible motivation do I have to lie?

I don’t know what he told them, maybe he told them I attacked him and was going to make a malicious allegation I don’t know and if he had extended family there, who knows what they’ve said, maybe they ‘witnessed’ the altercation i don’t know, I wouldn’t put it past them.

OP posts:

Whiskeypowers · 14/01/2023 22:08

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 14/01/2023 22:04

I understand why people are doubting the response of the police but it varies greatly force by force.

I tend to agree
The police are a mixed bag in this context sadly as I also know.

Whiskeypowers · 14/01/2023 22:11

TeaandTimelords · 14/01/2023 21:51

This, I’ve worked for several forces and are can’t see anyway that would have been the response if you’ve reported what you wrote on here

Show quote history

of course it’s possible

keepareaclean · 14/01/2023 22:17

I don’t know what he told them, maybe he told them...

Maybe he did, but you were the one who called the police to report his attack on you. What he said happened is actually irrelevant because they haven't taken a statement from you, the complainer. I would be calling them back and asking than they take your violent attack seriously.

SchoolTripDrama · 14/01/2023 22:55

It doesn't matter if you quit, you have a 1yr old so you CAN claim UC

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 14/01/2023 23:00

Sorry to poke hikes but which is it. You started work a few weeks ago or you start work on Monday?

BadNomad · 14/01/2023 23:14

Sorry to poke hikes but which is it. You started work a few weeks ago or you start work on Monday?

The OP explained. She was hired at the start of January, but can't start working until Monday because of a technical issue.

Original poster

Sleeplessem · 15/01/2023 02:20

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 14/01/2023 23:00

Sorry to poke hikes but which is it. You started work a few weeks ago or you start work on Monday?

Then why poke holes especially when it’s largely irrelevant ?

ive contractually started, technically, first week of jan but there were some technical difficulties on their end to do that meant my actual start date has been pushed

OP posts:

TemporaryNaming · 15/01/2023 09:22

@Sleeplessem you have been given a lot of great advice here but you don't sound ready to leave. Which isn't uncommon in DV. I would suggest keeping an emergency bag hidden somewhere should you need to flee suddenly, even if you don't use it soon you'll have it ready for when you are. Things like kids passports/birth certificates, your passport/driving license, some money, spare set of car keys. I hope you find the strength to leave soon & you remain safe until that point comes. Just to add, when my mum had to take us to a refuge they were phenomenal, really extraordinary people who supported us all. Try them again, even if you aren't ready to leave now they can help you make a plan.

Whiskeypowers · 15/01/2023 17:49

@Sleeplessem how are you ?

Original poster

Sleeplessem · 15/01/2023 18:24

Whiskeypowers · 15/01/2023 17:49

@Sleeplessem how are you ?

Flash backs.

he’s left, agreed that he’s bad for me over FaceTime and that was that. Probably out fo fear of me really pressing charges maybe? I don’t know. Says he’s done so many terrible things and I deserve better. Feels oddly magnanimous. At first he begged for a final chance but then gave in

i have to take the job, at least for now, until I can find something else. He’s agreed to pay 50% of mortgage, bills and childcare. Put it in an email so it’s in writing

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2023 19:17

@Sleeplessem

Honestly, I think this is the best resolution. If he wants to sound as if he's making some sort of 'sacrifice' for you, my inner (and silent) response would be 'whatever, dude'. Let him have his 'magnanimity' as long as it keeps him away from you, your DC, and your home. He's being all 'kind' now, but I would suggest making the house more secure. I know you legally aren't allowed to change locks in a jointly owned home, but I would if I thought I could get away with it whilst he's in this 'generous' mood. If he raises a stink, you'd just end up having to give him a key. At the very least I'd put a security chain on the door(s) or leave keys in locks when you're home so he can't just walk in on you. You do deserve that much privacy and security.

One thing though, don't let down your guard. He sounds as if he 'gets it', but chances are his friends and family haven't had a chance to 'work on him' (if they'd be so inclined), especially about the house. 'Common wisdom' is to never leave a jointly owned home for fear of not getting your 'fair share'. If I were you, I'd see a solicitor pronto. You need to know where you stand wrt assets and child access. Forewarned is forearmed. It doesn't mean you have to actually 'do' anything, you're just educating yourself.

I agree with keeping the job until something else comes along or perhaps longer if you can get transferred to a different facility (if possible). Hopefully you won't be in direct contact with him or his immediate coworkers. Just keep your head down and keep this situation to yourself. I don't know if he's the type to blab at work to get sympathy or whatever, but don't rise to any remarks or curiosity. You don't need to defend yourself to anyone and it is NOT appropriate of him to be discussing your marriage at work. If he does, I'd consider having a talk with HR.

You've got this!

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2023 19:21

Just another word. I mention about the workplace because in my former job, there were 4 offices in our 'commute area' and it wasn't unusual for someone to request a transfer to another office for 'personal reasons', including marriage (spouses weren't supposed to work in the same office) or a marriage breakdown.

This may or may not be relevant to your employer.

Bigbadfish · 16/01/2023 10:25

If you don't make a paper trail of this attack then it can be seen as his word against yours.

And if he goes for a CAO it may not go against him.

And a paper trail would involve a police report.

Redruby2020 · 25/01/2023 10:12

@Sleeplessem

Flash backs.

i have to take the job, at least for now, until I can find something else. He’s agreed to pay 50% of mortgage, bills and childcare. Put it in an email so it’s in writing

Be wary still, abusive men will do what he has done here, nice then can turn nasty again. I've heard that script many a time that he'd done wrong blah blah.
At least he is gone though! That is one good thing.
And make sure you don't let him come back.

Itstimetoquit · 25/01/2023 13:57

How u doing op x

TheAustralian · 26/03/2023 03:13

That first step is always the hardest ((hug))
Once you talk to someone the rest won’t seem so daunting or overwhelming.

women’s aid will have ideas and resources that will help you and your children get away from him.

tell them what you have said here, that you have no-one to help you. It’s just you and your small children.

Don’t forget that your a strong kick ass woman. 🌸

THEDEACON · 21/06/2023 01:29

Report this to the Police if he gets away with this the violence will escalate The Police removed my husband from home for my safety Ifyou can't do it for you do it for your kids In the words of the song Ifyou tolerate this your children will be next ! Safety is the only priority and you aren't safe

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