Husband attacked me last night handhold

[Sleeplessem]

We had an argument about our 1 year olds sleep, he’s been up screaming for weeks, husband wants to do CIO but it doesn’t work, too afraid to go against him ive caved for 30 mins but it doesn’t work and I’m on the verge of tears.

last night I said this to him and it prompted a row, he blamed me for wanting to work on sleep, I did and I bought a gentle sleep package but he wouldn’t do it, he then called me a rat and pathetic so I flicked some water from our en suite at him, he flipped jumped up and grabbed me by the throat and pinned me down on the bed, this happened several times. I don’t even recall why. I’m not sure if he punched me in the face, I think so but I can’t remember. He won’t leave, i begged and pleaded but he won’t, my hesitation about the police is their general incompetence in this area and the fall out job wise for him which would affect his ability to pay for his kids. I threatened to call the police and it may come to that but he just won’t leave, I have no where to go. I’m due to start a new job Monday I can’t, I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose the job or I lose my income, I can’t go to a refuge on my first day with my kids. I just can’t think

Just read the update - agree with PP, run a million miles from the job. You need to be away from him in every aspect.

The only thing that's important here, are the lives of you and your children. Forget the house, the car, all the other material things your income provides. Sack the job off, you WILL be entitled entitled to UC, and your mortgage can be frozen for a period under these circumstances. ( He will He has already constructively dismissed you! ( I think?! ) as a senior in the same company, and attacking you! And at 40k You clearly have the skills to get another job quickly, having had the time to get sorted. There is no way you can start. And he is making the choice about the police being involved. You asked him to leave. He has not.

Please though, ignore the terror of social services. They are also there to help, and you might need a social worker to guide you through all this. There is always a local crisis team, no children are ever taken away from Mothers shouting for help to protect them and their immediate well being needs.

Good luck!

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Non- fatal strangulation is now a specific criminal offence for the exact reason mentioned by a pp - correlation between it and escalation. I’m glad you’ve called the police.

Be very clear that he had his hands around your throat and how that made you feel (physically and mentally). If you think you may have lost consciousness it’s important to say so.

Maybe clear your call log history in case he gets hold of your phone. So sorry you are going through this. I wish you good luck

@Sleeplessem

I hope you don't mind my asking, but why do you think your family would be 'happy' to see you in an abusive relationship?

From your posts, I do see that your mum is abusive so obvs that rules her out.

But it's not unusual that an abusive partner alienates their victim from family and friends (or vice versa). Are your other family members also abusive or is it just that you feel they all warned against him so they'd be 'happy' they were right? In other words, a 'we told you so' situation. If you have friends that you've fallen out with or 'faded away' from, it might also bear thinking about why/how that happened. Was it his manipulation or possibly blindness on your part with your family and/or your friends.?

If after reflection, you decide that perhaps you were manipulated into isolation, then I'd try to reconnect. What's the worst that could happen? If you are rejected it hurts, but you'd be no worse off than you are now. If there's a 'price to pay', sometimes it's worth hearing a 'lecture' or having to eat a bit of humble pie if the end result is help and support, even if it's just emotional support.

You must get out of this marriage. I don't have any real 'practical' support ideas as I'm not in the UK so don't know what may be available. But I do know that emotional support or even a temporary place of respite with friends or family can make a huge difference and is worth trying for.

Everyone has pretty much said it all OP. You need to report this, so what if he will say things about you, that's not your problem to worry about, and it doesn't mean you can't and shouldn't report him. I understand it's difficult with everything building up, and the things you have to think about. But this must be dealt with first.
Report to the police, they will offer advice and can forward you on I'm sure from memory to Domestic Abuse advisers. As someone mentioned a police report triggers Social Services involvement, and they will want to come in and see you separately, they are there to help and support you, but will also want to ensure that the children are safe and not exposed to arguments (yes that sounds petty but that's how they are) and not being exposed to abuse either indirectly or directly. I have been involved with them in the past. Now although i was not living with my ex partner by then, which obviously helped a lot. They still had to cover safeguarding, and incase like some have done, I started letting things happen again.
Do not wait for the next thing to happen, because there will be a next time. Do not beg him for anything or tell him what you might do, he does not need to know this!

Please let us know how you get on.

Has he returned with the car yet?

Call the police. Tbh I’d call 999 - if someone who wasn’t your partner tried to strangle you you wouldn’t hesitate.

And run a mile from the job. You cannot work for him. You will get another job. And in any case - far better to be unemployed- but safe and alive with your children. They need you alive and they need to learn that abuse should not be tolerated or excused.

And if he gets into trouble in work because of police involvement that’s on him. He did it - only him. He’s brought this on himself . Do not try to protect him. He doesn’t protect you. He abuses you and could have killed you.

It sounds like you had a good job before and should be able to find another one. Don’t quit , explain the situation and let them sack you if necessary . You really should be thinking of your safety atm . Another job can come later and finances are hard to judge because you don’t know what maintenance will be etc.

Hi, please no judgment as I am already in a really bad place mentally and I think I’m really looking for words of support and to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

its a long story so I won’t go through everything. But I have been with my partner for 6 years and we have 2 children (3 & 1 years old) for years now my partner has been mentally abusive, he calls every name under the sun even if we have a slight disagreement, which really hurts me. He has always put me down. In the past we have had physical fights, to which I am obviously the one who has ended up hurt. I have always forgiven him for this because I have had part to play in them by retaliating.

we recently went to a wedding where we had a huge argument because he turned on me after a drink. He proceeded to shout at me that I am a fat C*nt, infront of all my friends and family. My 3 year old was really upset as usual.

Today we have had another verbal row, where yet again he has called me a fat c*nt, and I have slapped him in the face. Am I completely in the wrong and could this be my fault?

My problem I have here is, I am fully financially dependent on him. I gave up work years ago to look after our first child and never Returned due to childcare. I have no family of my own.. only a sister who lives with her boyfriend. I have friends but they all have children and are not able to help. His dad owns our home, and he has locked me out a couple of times and I have spent the night in the car (one time 30 weeks pregnant) my partner also owns our car which We share as he has a van too. But he will decide when he wants to take the car away from me. I have no financial income of my own and UC isn’t an option because my partner earns too much. I have no income whatsoever so I rely heavily on my partner. Working it’s an option as I have next to no childcare, his family aren’t involved much and they all work. I don’t have any family of my own apart from my sister who also works full time and has a baby on the way herself.

I just don’t know if there’s a way out of this. I want my kids to continue to live the life they have money wise. Being able to do nice things on the weekends, having a nice warm home to live in. I don’t think I would afford to give my kids this life on my own, but I’m worried I’m going to emotionally affect them. I can’t see a way out of this

Hi Op- I’m so sorry you’re going through all this, you’ve received some great advice and I would definitely log a call with the Police. They will ask if you want them to visit, they don’t just turn up. Even if you don’t want to press charges it’s important to have this logged.

In terms of your job, I would go in as planned Monday and have a word with your manager, explain your situation and see what they say.

Sorry, missed that he holds a senior position in the company! In which case I would be looking for another job.

You can do it, I earn £25k and have one child, mortgage etc. I recently found out I can still get help from UC for childcare costs. It's a struggle but I manage and have done for nearly 2yrs.

@flowertot19
I’m so sorry. I would start a new thread so you can get advice. Are you ok to do that?
He should never talk to you like that. Do you have real life support?

Hi @flowertot19 Sorry you're also going through it.
I think it would be better for you to start a thread of your own, to get as much advice as possible. Not many people will see your post on this thread, because it's at the end of the OP's.

If he's done this to you then he cannot be trusted to watch your children. Do you think you could put your phone on record and engage him in a convo about it.

You do need to call the police. The right thing to do is generally not the easy thing to do.

I tried to when he was choking me last night, but I couldn’t get the camera on. Maybe not now but he’ll hurt them too, I know it’s just a matter of when. He’s saying how sorry he is but how I also must acknowledge my triggering behaviour and stop blaming him for everything. He’s saying it will never happen again. Maybe he means it now, but it will, won’t it, that line has been crossed and like PPs said it’s been escalating. When my mum would hit and choke me, she’d say she was sorry but i pushed her buttons too much, it was my fault, there was always a next time. This is like that, I know. I know. My whole life has been abuse and DV. It’s so familiar, deep down maybe it’s why I chose him, although he never used to be like this, he used to be gentle and kind, maybe that was a facade.

im just venting now, as I don’t have anyone in RL, my dad is dead, my mum and brother abused me, I was the black sheep, there is no one else
don’t worry everyone, he’s gone now of his own accord, left the keys.

The job is way down on the list of things you need to be thinking about, but luckily it is the easiest to sort out. Email them, apologise, say a family crisis prevents you from taking up the offer. Done.

Then phone the police report the attack and ask them with help to contact local support services.

I know you are at rock bottom now, I am sorry, but all you can do is stand up and decide for yourself that things are going to change,one step at a time.

step 1. Phone the police.

Have you posted previously? Flicking water, mother's abuse and working at same company all seem extremely familiar

ive posted about my husband before on this username, feels free to search but not about an incident like this, this was the first time he’s ever choked me

You must leave him!

Children’s sleep problems can drive parents insane, but it’s NEVER EVER an excuse for attacking someone by throat and pinning them to a bed.

Children are exhausting, and if this guy’s crazy light switch is going to flick every time there’s a problem, you’ll be lucky to make it alive by the time your children are ready to start school. What happens if you tell him you want to leave him and he flips again and this time can’t control himself and won’t let go of your throat until he’s killed you? You need to put your children’s safety and yours above any other concerns. But be very very discreet as you plan your escape and please do escape with immediate effect.

Call a women’s shelter or domestic violence charity for advice if you’re reluctant to involve the police. Personally, I’d arrange to move out of the house with the children to a relative’s or friend’s WITHOUT HIM KNOWING I’M ABOUT TO LEAVE. Once I’m out somewhere safe with the children, I’d then ask someone to contact him telling him you’re not coming back and NEVER DISCLOSE YOUR LOCATION.

Then take legal action from a place where you and your children are safe. A place unknown to him.

P.S. we had loads of sleep issues with DC but DH was never violent despite us both being on the verge of mental breakdowns. CIO didn’t work for us before DC was 1 year 6 months old. He was too young for CIO, I later found out, despite the fact that we’d paid ££ to some charlatan “sleep training expert”, who insisted it works for children under 1. It didn’t in our case when we tried at 4 months, and again at 10 months. I was left furious at the “sleep expert” because I later read it shouldn’t be attempted for children under 1 year old. Gentle, gradual sleep training methods might work better for younger infants.

So sorry this happened to you OP. Have you had therapy to try and heal your childhood abuse ?

Really awfully there’s not a lot available, I managed to get 4 months of counselling through perinatal MH but they discharge after 1 and can’t refer on. The rest is CBT which in the case of child abuse isn’t particularly helpful. Private is unfortunately cost prohibitive, despite us earning (on paper) good money we have lofty expenses that have been hit hard due to COL and mortgage rate rises so I quite simply can’t afford the £100 a week. (The psychologist I saw nhs gave me a list of qualifications to look for in a therapist who’s qualified for dealing with child abuse and they are expensive)

He left his keys, which is good but doesn't mean he won't be back. He'll expect you to be sitting and waiting for him. Also, you say he has your car. Another reason for him to return.

Make the phone calls that you can whilst he's gone.

I suggested you try to contact other family, but it sounds like your mum & brother are both abusive. No cousins or aunts/uncles? Are friends you're out of touch with not a good idea?

You aren't alone, we're here. We may be faceless and nameless 'hands on a keyboard' and some of us will give good advice, some of us may talk bollocks, but we are here. You can do this. Just take a deep breath and keep trying to reach out to the police and to DV organizations. Keep your plans and actions secret. Go 'stealth'.

I know some will disagree with me, but keeping that new job can be the start of your way out and is well worth keeping at some 'cost'. If you can grit your teeth long enough to establish yourself at the workplace having a regular paycheck can be invaluable to getting out. Again, you must rely on your own judgement. I had no children (a major difference) and looking back my abusive ex was easy to 'smooth over' at little cost to myself. All I had to do was bide a little time & bite my tongue, build up a 'fuck you fund' and then I was able to kick him out. Obvs if you feel that you or the children are in imminent physical or emotional danger get out immediately.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-violence-and-abuse-help-from-dwp/help-available-from-the-department-for-work-and-pensions-for-people-who-are-victims-of-domestic-violence-and-abuse

Depending on your council you may qualify for emergency accommodation, regardless of owning your home.
Call women aid again when you can.