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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband attacked me last night handhold

195 replies

Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 09:43

We had an argument about our 1 year olds sleep, he’s been up screaming for weeks, husband wants to do CIO but it doesn’t work, too afraid to go against him ive caved for 30 mins but it doesn’t work and I’m on the verge of tears.

last night I said this to him and it prompted a row, he blamed me for wanting to work on sleep, I did and I bought a gentle sleep package but he wouldn’t do it, he then called me a rat and pathetic so I flicked some water from our en suite at him, he flipped jumped up and grabbed me by the throat and pinned me down on the bed, this happened several times. I don’t even recall why. I’m not sure if he punched me in the face, I think so but I can’t remember. He won’t leave, i begged and pleaded but he won’t, my hesitation about the police is their general incompetence in this area and the fall out job wise for him which would affect his ability to pay for his kids. I threatened to call the police and it may come to that but he just won’t leave, I have no where to go. I’m due to start a new job Monday I can’t, I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose the job or I lose my income, I can’t go to a refuge on my first day with my kids. I just can’t think

OP posts:
comfortablylesslumpy · 14/01/2023 12:31

I don't think it sounds safe for you with him there.
If the Police are saying 24 hours, that sounds too long.
I would ring again, say you are scared he will return.

monsteramunch · 14/01/2023 12:32

And I know it's easier said than done OP but better to get in debt in the short term (or even longer term) than to be murdered. Or seriously injured. Or have your child witness violence. Or be at risk of being attacked themselves.

Flowers
Thatisme · 14/01/2023 12:33

Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 11:59

I’m so upset with myself, how did I chose him, how did I chose this, how did I bring children into this

Please do not blame yourself. It's not your fault, not one bit.

TemporaryNaming · 14/01/2023 12:34

@Sleeplessem womens aid will absolutely help you, don't worry about the fact that you have no family- this actually makes it easier for you and your children to get to a place of safety as you have no ties to the local area, you will be free to go wherever you want. This man may well kill you. He doesn't love you & he has shown himself to be cruel to your baby. You deserve to be happy and safe. Incase you are in doubt about the damage this will cause your children, I am a child of a DV household & remember going into a womens refuge in the middle of the night with nothing - I had never felt so free and safe. If you don't leave and this escalates, social services may think you are unable to protect your children and would be concerned for their safety. You need to choose them. You need to leave. You need to survive.

Soothsayer1 · 14/01/2023 12:38

@Sleeplessem
Please don't blame yourself none of this is your fault, you have said that you come from an abusive background unfortunately this tends to leave us much more vulnerable to other predators, they can instinctively sense people who have already been trained to comply with abusers.
Please listen to us you and your children are important and you must get help 🙏

ThatshallotBaby · 14/01/2023 12:39

Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 11:59

I’m so upset with myself, how did I chose him, how did I chose this, how did I bring children into this

It’s not your fault. Don’t go down that path. You made choices based on what you knew at the time, forgive yourself for not knowing more.
This self forgiveness and acceptance is your strength. You need your strength. Build yourself up, don’t pull yourself down.
I really hope you find a way forward. Sending you all the good things. Flowers

ThatshallotBaby · 14/01/2023 12:40

@Sleeplessem
You do matter.

Iamnotalemming · 14/01/2023 12:43

Handhold 💐

ClawedButler · 14/01/2023 12:45

The new job is a no-go, surely. You cannot be in the same home or workplace as this man.

Stop blaming yourself, or thinking three steps ahead about money and law and benefit claims. You have ONE PRIORITY RIGHT NOW: protect your children.

If you can't do it for yourself you MUST do it for them.

They could lose their mum.

You have to keep them safe, and you have to keep yourself safe, for them.

If he returns, you phone 999 straight away. Deadbolt the door if you can, leave the key in the lock - do not let him back in the house.

beastlyslumber · 14/01/2023 12:58

Call 999. Tell them you are terrified he's going to kill you. You need someone to come out right away.

Call Women's Aid while he's out. They should be more helpful than the DV line you called.

You just need to get yourself and your children safe - that's all you need to do today. Everything else can be sorted out, one way or another. Ultimately none of it matters as much as your safety. You can only protect your kids if you're alive to do so.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 14/01/2023 13:00

Emergency locksmith?

ihaveopinions · 14/01/2023 13:04

Why's he taken your car? Doesn't he have his own car or that just to inconvenience you? If he returns hide your car keys, the car is your escape transport.

AthenaPopodopolous · 14/01/2023 13:05

If you don’t report him to police and you’ve been advised that you can’t get access to a refuge then get your ducks in a row and find a place to rent. Don’t leave your children in his care so get a childminder. Universal credit should pay 85 per cent.
I’m awful sorry he attacked you but be careful not to provoke him again with flicking water. (Sorry not victim blaming but you are both under enormous stress with sleeplessness and a child who won’t sleep).
And rethink working at the same company, try and find a vacancy elsewhere.
Also be very careful as your life is in danger with him throttling you but you can get away from him safely. Just find a place to rent first and get away from him, bastard that he is. Keep quiet for now and do not intimidate him again.
I know I’ll get hate for this but your a well paid individual and you don’t want social services involved. Just be responsible and get away safely yourself.

Coffeecreme · 14/01/2023 13:07

sounds like you are having a domestic crisis, as regards to your job,
just let them know you can't come in yet

Coffeecreme · 14/01/2023 13:10

baby steps op,
but firm steps
i hpe you can sort the mess out

AthenaPopodopolous · 14/01/2023 13:11

Get to a solicitor too and see if you can get an occupation order to get him out the house but you will need police/ social services involved in this case.
Its hellish going through this, you are not alone.
Be aware that you can never go back to him once you report him. But as a child who suffered abuse yourself, u may know that domestic abuse is child abuse. The baby will be aware and is at risk.
Wishing you a better future OP and you will work this out.

Angliski · 14/01/2023 13:13

Might you be able to tell your new employer what has hallended and ask for their help? I know it’s an unusual way to stay an employee relationship but a good employer will be able to help you perhaps from a. Welfare angle and you can then focus on your new role at a later date

Paulisexcluded · 14/01/2023 13:17

" @Paulisexcluded her abusive husband is a senior in the job she's due to start"

Thanks for highlighting @liveforsummer sorry I didn't spot this. I read most of the thread but too quickly.

I'm so sorry this does complicate matters.

Please do all you can to get out OP even if financial implications are not good. You will get through it and none of it is your fault. Sorry I don't have any clear suggestions but several others on here do.

All the best and a handhold xx

Maytodecember · 14/01/2023 13:17

liveforsummer · 14/01/2023 09:48

You HAVE to call the police. This needs to be on record going forward. Also something the family courts need to have documented if/when any access potentially turns nasty. It will help you in so many ways. Forget about the money side for now. Your safety and that of your dc is more important

This.
He sounds as if he lost control and that’s how women get killed.

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2023 13:24

If you stay you are definitely risking a more serious assault or him murdering you.

He sounds like the sort of man who would also kill your children, just to get back at you.

OP please call 999 and tell them you were strangled. A strangling is a huge red flag for the next step, which is murder.

I am very sorry you're in this position. You need to get yourself and your children away from this man. I escaped from my husband after 10 years of violence and I wish I'd done it sooner. The relief when it was over was wonderful.

BeepBeenBop · 14/01/2023 13:29

Well done for phoning, glad they answered your call quickly compared to what people have been reporting. It does sound a very quick turn around for them to say no one is coming for 24hours and no further sign posting to call back etc. Maybe call back and say he’s left the house so you can talk and you were strangled X times last night of you didn’t mention it before.

You won’t lose your children, you would be at greater risk of losing them if you hadn’t contacted the police as that isn’t safeguarding them, so you’ve done everything right.

MrsH497 · 14/01/2023 13:31

Who's the car registered to? Is he on the insurance? Did you give him permission? If it's not his and you gave no permission theft of motor vehicle call police again say he's stolen your car you're terrified what will happen when he gets back.

Viviennemary · 14/01/2023 13:35

Putting hands around somebodys throat is extremely dangerous and life threatening. I agree you need to report this.

HeyBearILoveYou · 14/01/2023 13:38

Any decent job will understand if you contact them and let them know that you possibly can't start Monday, and why. Not saying go into detail, but if any of my team had said they were unable to start on their start date due to having to leave an abusive household over the weekend I would have understood and helped where I could.

People will support you, you have to let them.

Please contact the police x

ThreeLocusts · 14/01/2023 13:39

I'm so sorry OP. It really doesn't sound like a good idea for you to take up work in the same company as him after what he has just done, and given his complete disregard for the truth.

It sounds like you feel completely trapped. Your hesitation to leave is understandable as you don't want to lose the life you've managed to build in spite of your painful history.

But it also sounds like there is no alternative to giving up this life as it is too bound up with a man who may kill you and has no inhibitions to lie.

Call the police to ask again for him to be removed, but mostly to put events on record. He took your car without your consent. Also call women's aid, and tell them you're OK to go anywhere for shelter. Email your would have been employer to say your circumstances have changed. And then do go.

Job, mortgage, all that you can sort out again later. You've managed it once you will again. Getting away from a man who hurts you and has no regard for your child's comfort and needs is way, way more important than keeping up with the mortgage.

Read your posts back- you know this man is no good. If you don't leave, all that will happen is that you will have another thing to blame yourself for.

You're not at fault, you're amazing. I had an abusive dad and only got through childhood thanks to my mother. I'd be an utter wreck if I'd been betrayed by her. Hats off to you. You'll cope this time too. Will be thinking of you.