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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband attacked me last night handhold

195 replies

Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 09:43

We had an argument about our 1 year olds sleep, he’s been up screaming for weeks, husband wants to do CIO but it doesn’t work, too afraid to go against him ive caved for 30 mins but it doesn’t work and I’m on the verge of tears.

last night I said this to him and it prompted a row, he blamed me for wanting to work on sleep, I did and I bought a gentle sleep package but he wouldn’t do it, he then called me a rat and pathetic so I flicked some water from our en suite at him, he flipped jumped up and grabbed me by the throat and pinned me down on the bed, this happened several times. I don’t even recall why. I’m not sure if he punched me in the face, I think so but I can’t remember. He won’t leave, i begged and pleaded but he won’t, my hesitation about the police is their general incompetence in this area and the fall out job wise for him which would affect his ability to pay for his kids. I threatened to call the police and it may come to that but he just won’t leave, I have no where to go. I’m due to start a new job Monday I can’t, I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose the job or I lose my income, I can’t go to a refuge on my first day with my kids. I just can’t think

OP posts:
ItisallPooh · 14/01/2023 10:48

My DM moved us from our family home as my father was abusive. Timing was awful. She had just been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer, couldn't work. My parents ran their own business. He moved money so she had zero access to anything, no income and he managed to convince the CSA that he had no money to provide for us kids. It wasn't true.
It was a scary tie with pennies to our name, very little furniture and possessions, and a very ill mum.
We survived the first 6 months in a blur and eventually mum was well enough to get a wee job. She got a decent solicitor and got what she was due from the business.
We were never back to the luxurious lifestyle but were safe, loved and not walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosion.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 10:48

Coffeeandcrocs · 14/01/2023 10:42

Get yourself and your children safe OP, worry about everything else later on. Now he's done it once, he will do it again.

I wouldnt be leaving the children unattended with him either. Please call women's aid today too. Do you have no friends at all you can confide in? I would take my friends in in a heartbeat if they were in this situation.

No one, literally no one.

but then I have no income and I won’t be entitled to UC as I’ll have quit. I couldn’t get through to women’s aid so called a DV helpline, they said I won’t be able to get into a refuge with my kids due to my income and being a home owner and it’s based on hb, she said about UC and not being able to get that. Ffs. I earn 40k a year, and all of my income would disappear in childcare, that’s without a mortgage, and then paying rent at the same time let alone other bills. Does this sound right?

OP posts:
HoppingAndHoping · 14/01/2023 10:49

Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 10:01

No one, there is literally no one in the world that cares about me (children aside) my family would love it if they knew.

what do I do about my job?

Show quote history

And that is probably why he's doing it. Because he thinks he can get away with it.

You are calling 101, which shows how strong you are. You need to leave him!

Strangulation is also one of the biggest red flags in domestic abuse because it is a risk factor for homicide.

Calling women's aid would be a good idea as well. You should also see a doctor. Especially if you have any physical signs of abuse.

The more "paper" you create, the harder it will be for this POS to claim try to portray you as unfit or abusive in revenge.

jackstini · 14/01/2023 10:49

You are doing the right thing reporting; hope they answer soon

Call work and tell them the true reason you cannot start (once police have removed your husband from the house)

There will be other jobs in the future and with him gone your benefits will change too

Call women's aid after he's gone and they will give you straightforward step by step advice

This is about you and your kids. You owe him nothing. Everyone here is supporting you - you've got this Flowers

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 10:50

Bestcatmum · 14/01/2023 10:47

Incidentally cry it out is NOT leaving them to scream for hours. Its leaving them for 15-20 mins max. He wants to abuse your baby as well as you.

He got it from an America safe sleep Fb group that seems to heavily promote extinction and a ‘as long as it takes’ CIO

OP posts:
jackstini · 14/01/2023 10:51

Your husband will likely have to continue to help pay the mortgage until dc are 18

Work may revoke the offer given the circumstances so you have not quit and will getvUC

keepareaclean · 14/01/2023 10:52

but then I have no income and I won’t be entitled to UC as I’ll have quit. I couldn’t get through to women’s aid so called a DV helpline, they said I won’t be able to get into a refuge with my kids due to my income and being a home owner and it’s based on hb, she said about UC and not being able to get that. Ffs. I earn 40k a year, and all of my income would disappear in childcare, that’s without a mortgage, and then paying rent at the same time let alone other bills. Does this sound right?

OP you haven't started the job yet. You don't have an income and you haven't quit.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 10:54

keepareaclean · 14/01/2023 10:52

but then I have no income and I won’t be entitled to UC as I’ll have quit. I couldn’t get through to women’s aid so called a DV helpline, they said I won’t be able to get into a refuge with my kids due to my income and being a home owner and it’s based on hb, she said about UC and not being able to get that. Ffs. I earn 40k a year, and all of my income would disappear in childcare, that’s without a mortgage, and then paying rent at the same time let alone other bills. Does this sound right?

OP you haven't started the job yet. You don't have an income and you haven't quit.

I technically have my contract was from first week of jan, they had to push it due to tech issues. And I quit my old job to take this one so I will have technically quit, that’s what the adviser said.

i can’t get through to women’s aid, it’s a live chat that won’t launch.

101 said 24 hrs and they can come and talk to him to find out his version of event and see if he should be removed

OP posts:
Bigbadfish · 14/01/2023 10:55

jackstini · 14/01/2023 10:51

Your husband will likely have to continue to help pay the mortgage until dc are 18

Work may revoke the offer given the circumstances so you have not quit and will getvUC

A mesher order is very rare these days. The judge would consider his needs and will not make it difficult for both parents to afford housing.

OP you need legal advice

uggmum · 14/01/2023 10:55

Your council will prob have a domestic violence unit and should be able to offer a range of support

Citizens advice will also be able to give you lots of advice and signpost you.

They are not open until Monday but I would highly recommend them. They will also advise you on benefits.

Do you have a local well women centre as they are usually really good and would offer support groups etc

liveforsummer · 14/01/2023 10:56

Do you mean you're already in employment and this was just a new job? Can't you stay in the old one instead if this is the case. Agree he will likely be liable if his name is on the mortgage. The refuge thing may be specific to an individual one? Certainly the one I worked at years back had women from all walks of life. No good owning your home if your abusive husband is still inside it. The police will have fb officers who can probably point you in the right direction locally

OfCourseChangs · 14/01/2023 10:58

You sort out all the financial stuff after you have got out of a situation that could have you dead, hands round the throat is the biggest red flag for a women to be killed eventually.You are correct abused children often but not always choose awful partners, you do not want that for your children do you.

keepareaclean · 14/01/2023 10:58

101 said 24 hrs and they can come and talk to him to find out his version of event and see if he should be removed

Can you leave? Take your children to a cheap hotel/air bnb? You could be dead in 24 hours Sad

Deathbyfluffy · 14/01/2023 10:59

You need to call the police.
If for some reason you choose not to, get audio / video discreetly next time he kicks off to use when you do make the call.

Tigertigertigertiger · 14/01/2023 11:01

What is your husband saying about his violent outburst ?

Stomacharmeleon · 14/01/2023 11:05

Gently I wonder if the way you talked about your situation both to the police and the DV charity are minimising and because of the child abuse not a true reflection of the situation.
UC will not leave you unable to look after your children under your circumstances.
You need to escalate the situation with the police and lay it on the line that you have been assaulted and fear for your safety and that of your children.

You do need proper legal advice but I would say it's not the priority. You and your family is and you need to take charge now.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 11:07

liveforsummer · 14/01/2023 10:56

Do you mean you're already in employment and this was just a new job? Can't you stay in the old one instead if this is the case. Agree he will likely be liable if his name is on the mortgage. The refuge thing may be specific to an individual one? Certainly the one I worked at years back had women from all walks of life. No good owning your home if your abusive husband is still inside it. The police will have fb officers who can probably point you in the right direction locally

Nope can’t stay in old job as notice has been handed in and worked

OP posts:
Lovesacake · 14/01/2023 11:09

These people can help you get an emergency injunction to remove him from your home
www.ncdv.org.uk/are-you-suffering-domestic-abuse/how-the-law-can-protect-you/

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 11:10

Stomacharmeleon · 14/01/2023 11:05

Gently I wonder if the way you talked about your situation both to the police and the DV charity are minimising and because of the child abuse not a true reflection of the situation.
UC will not leave you unable to look after your children under your circumstances.
You need to escalate the situation with the police and lay it on the line that you have been assaulted and fear for your safety and that of your children.

You do need proper legal advice but I would say it's not the priority. You and your family is and you need to take charge now.

I think I unconsciously minimised previously because it wasn’t as overtly physical and obviously because it was ‘all my fault’ (according to him, it always was with my mother too) but this time I told them exactly what happened as I typed it here. I’m sure it’s resources and cuts so they probably don’t have the staff

OP posts:
FanniesFlaps · 14/01/2023 11:13

It sounds as though you may have temporarily lost consciousness whilst he had his hands around your throat.

Next time he may well kill you.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/01/2023 11:17

FanniesFlaps · 14/01/2023 11:13

It sounds as though you may have temporarily lost consciousness whilst he had his hands around your throat.

Next time he may well kill you.

im not minimising but I didn’t, I didn’t lose consciousness, I think it’s fight or flight things become a bit of a blur and that’s what happened

OP posts:
HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 14/01/2023 11:18

Hand holding

Thatisme · 14/01/2023 11:22

Stay strong

orangegato · 14/01/2023 11:23

This reply has been deleted

This post has been deleted as it breaks our Talk guidelines.

DickeryDock · 14/01/2023 11:24

As far as UC is concerned, one thing I learnt when we had to claim it for a year was that lots of people (even professionals) don’t understand how it works. I would put in a claim if I were you as they will let you know if you are entitled.

But firstly you need to get away from your abusive partner. So contact whoever you need to to make that happen.