Husband attacked me last night handhold

[Sleeplessem]

We had an argument about our 1 year olds sleep, he’s been up screaming for weeks, husband wants to do CIO but it doesn’t work, too afraid to go against him ive caved for 30 mins but it doesn’t work and I’m on the verge of tears.

last night I said this to him and it prompted a row, he blamed me for wanting to work on sleep, I did and I bought a gentle sleep package but he wouldn’t do it, he then called me a rat and pathetic so I flicked some water from our en suite at him, he flipped jumped up and grabbed me by the throat and pinned me down on the bed, this happened several times. I don’t even recall why. I’m not sure if he punched me in the face, I think so but I can’t remember. He won’t leave, i begged and pleaded but he won’t, my hesitation about the police is their general incompetence in this area and the fall out job wise for him which would affect his ability to pay for his kids. I threatened to call the police and it may come to that but he just won’t leave, I have no where to go. I’m due to start a new job Monday I can’t, I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose the job or I lose my income, I can’t go to a refuge on my first day with my kids. I just can’t think

This has to be documented and you're right history will be re written, my ex turned up to family court with 3 restraining orders I took out against him thinking that would help his case ffs.
Tell your new employers what's happened either they will help you, push back the start date, or they won't in which case you didn't want to work there anyway.

So sorry to hear this OP. A similar thing happened to a friend. She managed to carefully record him saying that he hit her. I am not recommending you do this you obv have to be so careful that he doesn’t realise you are doing it. It’s the only way the police believed her as he would always say she was made and hit herself. Good luck op x

Echo that you must leave
As you have secured a job with a decent salary (£40K hope I read correctly) I hope this isn't bad advice but I think you should also try to keep this secure and try and summon strength to just go in and make a start. You are obviously very strong and have had a massive amount to deal with in your life but have built a good career. If there is any way you can keep plodding in to this job it will provide stability and keep your self esteem up. Gauge how your new employer is in terms of sharing what has happened but be careful about it. Maybe they will be understanding. They should be.

You can do it.
Do you have enough in reserve to pay for an air b and b for a couple of weeks and then find a place to rent?

Sorry if I have misunderstood anything but it sounds like you are in a strong enough financial position to walk away and malke a fresh start. Maybe not as a homeowner straight away. But free from violence.

Don't let this man drag you down any further. Find an air b and b. Then report him to the police and don't be afraid by past experiences. Keep reaching out here and to any of the organisations suggested who are helpful. You need to find one person in one of these organisations who you trust and who has your back. Good luck and sending strength.

Yes you normally need housing benefit to cover a refuge as it is very expensive. However it’s not true that you definitely won’t get UC and hb if you cannot take up this job due to fleeing dv. You need to speak to UC about the circumstances.

ideal case here - the police arrest him and either remand him or release with bail conditions to live elsewhere for a few weeks, during which time you get an occupation order (you can do this without a solicitor) so he cannot return for six months. In that six months you sell the house etc. You can read about it on the Rights of Women site. In fact their helpline for family law is great.

if he is not arrested you can still go ahead with an order. Just it is safer if he’s already out. You can apply for a non molestation order alongside this so he cannot contact you or he will be committing a criminal offence.

I agree with this and to be honest if they aren't supportive they probably aren't going to be good to work for.

Yes re UC, leaving out of choice generally affects uc claims on normal circumstances. A job you've not started due to severe physical dv where the perpetrator is to be your boss/senior is a fairly significant extenuating circumstance. As a pp said you'll get incorrect advice from dwp colleagues themselves a lot of the time. Don't take an unrelated professionals word as fact. It's actually shocking they left you thinking you simply had no option but to stay. You can make a post on the Universal credit essentials forum. You're likely to get accurate advice there, plus as a pp has pointed out, once in receipt you'd qualify for legal aid, which you are likely to need

@Paulisexcluded her abusive husband is a senior in the job she's due to start

Could you check into a b and b and then seek advice from the local council and women's aid?

Yes. I’ve read the others too.

Sorry about this

Save yourself and your kids now and build your life back up later

Don’t read the benefits thread with horrible people posting in there - hide them

Please, please call the police. Go into the bathroom and take pictures of ANY marks on you caused by him.

You won't lose your children.

You need to leave, he will do this again

Hand hold. X

Do you have the financial resources to boo an Airbnb, or Travelodge or similar for a few days? It's tricky as it's a weekend and many of the people you need to talk to aren't available, but you need to get out today if at all possible.

Gather all your essential information - passports, birth certificates, mortgage info, bank, bill providers etc.

You say you have no-one, but people can surprise you in a crisis. Do you have any ex work colleagues? Mum friends?

On Monday you can make an emergency application to the court for an Occupation Order. You can speak to your new boss. If you lose the job, try to ensure that it is the company that is ending. But in any case, explaining to DWP that you have fled a situation of Domestic Abuse should kick start UC. If you don't stay at home, talk to the council about emergency housing.

I am so sorry op but you must contact the police tell them you are scared for your safety and the safety of your children, they should remove him from your house.

If you can get this done, change all the locks, pay for emergency childcare just for the next couple of days, go to your new job and explain the situation.

I can imagine how hard it seems but you have to find your anger and fight for your right to stay in your home and get him gone.

All the other issues can be sorted after, your work may have a policy in place for DV situations, that is why you need to go. You may be entitled to UC, or other help.

Did your old employer get someone new for your old position? Perhaps you could contact them on Monday , explain the situation and ask whether you can have your old job back?

You could also contact your new job, explain the situation and ask if the start date can be postponed?

I know you said you are struggling with the live chat but please keep trying. They will be able to give you a number to text for a duty worker who will be able to help you xx

I’m so upset with myself, how did I chose him, how did I chose this, how did I bring children into this

I wouldn’t be employed there if I disclosed the reason, it’s too high risk for the environment unfortunately

Ring the police, they understand the abuser will bring out every lie in the book. Please dont let what happened with your Mum put you off calling. Alot has changed with domestic violence these days and police are trained to deal with it alot better than they used to be. Do you want this man near your kids if he flips like that at you? What could he do to your kids? He could have killed you last night-please call the police.

UC is more complicated than adviser is suggesting you can challenge decisions eg where have a good reason to leave a job due to emergency / harassment at work etc and there are allowances for domestic violence. I would contact HR Monday be honest - you will need to take special leave - then speak to citizens advice to see how you get round the UC issue. You could also go to GP and get signed off mental health grounds. Check your contract about what you are eligible for during trial period. Perhaps the employer can let you go / withdraw the job or there is some other way round it. If you are homeless due DV the council housing and children’s social care have obligations re emergency housing - it is far cheaper for the dc to be with you in temp accom than take the children into care. Shelter has a helpline which is open weekends you can call for advice. Did you used to have close friends before the abuse? Don’t assume old friends won’t help you most would want to know and help even if you feel you’ve lost touch. I know I would put an old friend up for a few days in this situation.

Choking in particular is a huge red flag for escalation of violence and an increased likelihood of a woman being killed. Police forces know this and take it very seriously.

Please, repost him.

*report, not repost

Bugger you autocarrot

Sweetheart, none of this is your fault. Not one single piece of it. And I know you said no one in the world cares about you but your children do, and we all do. You can do this for them, and for you. 24 hours for police response doesn't seem sufficient when he'll wake up at any time now (if he hasn't already). Can you call them back and say that you won't be safe when he wakes up and you need someone now? Even if that means calling 999. Sending you a huge hug. You're doing so well and being so brave

He’s gone out now and taken my car, we’ve not spoken. I don’t know if he’s coming back

New job wise I won’t be entitled to a fat lot given that I’m only a few weeks into the role. I’ve done the benefits calculator online, with my current mortgage, childcare etc and I’m not entitled to anything but I’ll be well into minus figures every month and I’ll be in some pretty hefty debt quickly

If he's out please take this opportunity to call the police. Be explicit about what happened yesterday and tell them you are frightened as his behaviour has escalated and you believe that because he choked you yesterday he is capable of killing you. That you have nobody to stay with and your child is not safe with someone violent so you need to get away with your child. Tell them you don't know how long he'll be out for so you need help right now