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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ignorance is no longer bliss

541 replies

WhereAreYouKeir · 11/01/2023 21:29

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

OP posts:
Howeverdoyouneedme · 11/01/2023 21:31

I would take steps to remove myself and my children from this situation. It doesn’t sound as if he loves you or his family. Sorry. Good luck for the future.

LittleLillie · 11/01/2023 21:31

Just leave. Seriously, this is damaging your children.

He does not respect you, he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s someone else in the background.

You and your children deserve so much better.

FetchezLaVache · 11/01/2023 21:33

Honestly, you can give him a deadline or you can just leave now. The end result will be the same. He won't change because he won't accept he's doing anything wrong. You can only change how you respond to it, e.g. by refusing to allow your sons to grow up thinking it's acceptable for a man to stonewall his wife.

You'll find life much easier when it's just you and the boys and none of you are treading on eggshells.

MintJulia · 11/01/2023 21:37

LittleLillie · 11/01/2023 21:31

Just leave. Seriously, this is damaging your children.

He does not respect you, he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s someone else in the background.

You and your children deserve so much better.

This.

Stop kidding yourself. He has checked out and all you can do now is remove yourself and your children to a happier, more stable situation.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 11/01/2023 21:37

Surely you see that you need a divorce?

Flowers
jessthemess33 · 11/01/2023 21:37

Is he having an affair? The hours spent on the phone, time away from the family etc? Either way it's horribly damaging for you and your poor dc to be around this. How awful for young kids to be walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting their dad. It doesn't sound like he's distancing, it sounds like he's checked out already.

ICanHideButICantRun · 11/01/2023 21:38

Imagine the relief you would feel if you separated. I couldn't bear to be in the same house as him. He's utterly selfish - no doctor can cure that.

I'm wondering what he's doing on his phone all day, tbh.

TuneInThisTimeNextWeek · 11/01/2023 21:38

If you’re the breadwinner, I think you should ask/tell him to leave. Your children learn about how to have relationships from their parents … I’d get rid of him, and get therapy for your kids.

josephjohnson · 11/01/2023 21:39

Oh OP I'm so sorry, this sounds awful.
You do just need to leave. Do you have somewhere you can go? Friends or family? Get yourself and your boys away from that disgrace of a man. You deserve so much more Flowers

KangarooKenny · 11/01/2023 21:39

Tell him to leave. He keeps offering to go.

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 11/01/2023 21:39

Get rid

TakeYourHatOffBoy · 11/01/2023 21:40

He doesn't need therapy.

You, however, need a divorce.

ShesThunderstorms · 11/01/2023 21:41

"Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave"

Hear him when he says this. Ask him to leave. Or leave with the kids. Start again. Yet it will be weird and shit at first but give it time and you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. You're already doing all the hard work yourself, why not carry that on but not have this idiot making you feel like shit hanging around sometimes?

Sending love OP xx

Twillow · 11/01/2023 21:41

This sounds awful for you.
If he's not aggressive, just moody (bad enough), I'd tell him he's not a useful part of the family so he needs to think about moving out if he isn't willing to change.

Weatherwax13 · 11/01/2023 21:41

He's awful. At this point it doesn't matter what the reasons are for his behaviour. There's no excuse for this. Stop trying to fix him.
If he hates family life so much, release him from it. Get your ducks in a row love and make a cheerful, peaceful home for your kids. This is screwing them up.

Original poster
WhereAreYouKeir · 11/01/2023 21:42

I keep thinking divorce and then I tell myself but what if it could get better. Even if he is depressed and needs medical help, he could still behave like a rotten partner to me.
on his phone, doomscrolling, Ukraine, Twitter,

He will say openly that I don't have a clue what is going on in terms of current affairs. I don't have time! He went to the gym at 530 today. The boys stayed up to see him when he got back and he ignored them saying they were doing his head in. FFS.

OP posts:
SmileWithADimple · 11/01/2023 21:42

I think it sounds like you and your DC would be happier without him.

Twillow · 11/01/2023 21:42

josephjohnson · 11/01/2023 21:39

Oh OP I'm so sorry, this sounds awful.
You do just need to leave. Do you have somewhere you can go? Friends or family? Get yourself and your boys away from that disgrace of a man. You deserve so much more Flowers

Why should the OP leave? She's not the problem. She's running the family and is also the breadwinner.

TakeYourHatOffBoy · 11/01/2023 21:43

And, cherchez la femme.

Sorry OP. It's shit, but you'd be so much better off without him.

MissingMoominMamma · 11/01/2023 21:43

You’re already lone parenting- you’d just be doing it without the added stress and upset.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 11/01/2023 21:43

I don't see how therapy can help him. He clearly does not want to be part of the family and he has checked out. I would think he has someone else

WatieKatie · 11/01/2023 21:44

As tough as leaving and divorce is, it’s easier than being treated like this OP.

If he doesn’t see your worth, move on.

watchfulwishes · 11/01/2023 21:44

WhereAreYouKeir · 11/01/2023 21:42

I keep thinking divorce and then I tell myself but what if it could get better. Even if he is depressed and needs medical help, he could still behave like a rotten partner to me.
on his phone, doomscrolling, Ukraine, Twitter,

He will say openly that I don't have a clue what is going on in terms of current affairs. I don't have time! He went to the gym at 530 today. The boys stayed up to see him when he got back and he ignored them saying they were doing his head in. FFS.

Ok, stop it now - you are facilitating his abuse of the children. What he's doing is unacceptable and will do damage.

You have the power to put the kids first.

Original poster
WhereAreYouKeir · 11/01/2023 21:45

@ShesThunderstorms Yes! He keeps saying that. I have said, I'm sorry that is what he wants but it is his choice to leave. And then nothing! An hour later he'll ask me what's wrong with me, I look miserable.
I refuse to leave the home and leave the boys with him (which has asked me to do).

OP posts:
Twillow · 11/01/2023 21:45

WhereAreYouKeir · 11/01/2023 21:42

I keep thinking divorce and then I tell myself but what if it could get better. Even if he is depressed and needs medical help, he could still behave like a rotten partner to me.
on his phone, doomscrolling, Ukraine, Twitter,

He will say openly that I don't have a clue what is going on in terms of current affairs. I don't have time! He went to the gym at 530 today. The boys stayed up to see him when he got back and he ignored them saying they were doing his head in. FFS.

Sure life is difficult in terms of current affairs right now. Dwelling on it doesn't really help, does it? I don't think he's depressed if he can go to the gym regularly and present a nice face to the neighbours, it sounds like he's just an arse. How long has this been going on - what were his redeeming qualities/what made you marry him?