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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ignorance is no longer bliss

541 replies

WhereAreYouKeir · 11/01/2023 21:29

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

OP posts:
DogGoneCrazyNow · 14/02/2023 08:19

They always devolve, mine did. If he's showing his true colours outside it will start getting worse. In my experience it only benefits you in the long run, so try not to let it get to you. Eventually you'll see he did you favour showing everyone. Mine couldn't even hold back in court. So sure he was absolutely right and everyone would see that.

sweetsuzie · 14/02/2023 09:03

Read up on Narcissism and look out for signs. Note them down. He’s already doing it all but you are unaware.

Mirabai · 14/02/2023 09:31

He’s a lunatic OP - the quicker you can get your kids out of this the better.

GoldenCupidon · 14/02/2023 10:18

WhereAreYouKeir · 14/02/2023 08:05

@billy1966 Thank you. I did call children's services yesterday morning. I had about a 30 minute chat with the duty social worker and then the MASH team that deals with safeguarding. We don't meet the threshold for their intervention.
No in receipt of certain benefits, no prison record for DH, he's a teacher etc......
I can sort of see why - not in a deprived area, no schooling issues, children are at a school that is sought-after locally.
Unless someone is in the home or sees us out together, no-one can believe the contempt DH shows me and the boys.

It may not reach the threshold for their intervention, but what they mean by that is - only you have the power to change this for the kids.

Has it reached the threshold for your intervention? How can you speed things up?

Are you waiting for worse to happen? (I mean that genuinely)

billy1966 · 14/02/2023 10:24

What are Women's aid saying to you?

Any progress with a decent solicitor?

Highdaysandholidays1 · 14/02/2023 12:08

The threshold for intervention is extremely high. That doesn't mean what's going on in your home is ok, it means there's kids who are physically, emotionally and in all ways abused so badly they don't have enough social workers to see them all, it's tragic.

Only you can leave your husband and get a divorce really.

Original poster
WhereAreYouKeir · 14/02/2023 20:48

Thanks for your messages. It's painful but I feel I need to wait until I get some kind of 'all-clear' message re the health issue. I was referred as an urgent case and to be fair to the doctors, I was seen in under 2 weeks. Which has me worrying that there is something serious going on. Or I might just be so knackered and stressed, the body is saying' hey you, we gotta stop here.'

I am seeing a solicitor the middle of next week, many are away for half-term this week in the family law sections I've been trying.

I'm not waiting for anything worse to happen .What could be worse really than being in this situation? There are no broken bones but I'm certainly not the woman I was 2 years ago. I need to get her back - the boys need her!

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 14/02/2023 21:03

Nothing to add @WhereAreYouKeir - just sending you massive squishes. You will come out of this such a stronger happier woman. Persevere and stay strong. x

billy1966 · 14/02/2023 23:47

You poor pet.
A health worry is so awful.

🤞that it is stress related and solvable by getting the hell away from him.

Hang in there.

We are all here for you.

TheLostGiraffe · 15/02/2023 02:12

WhereAreYouKeir · 14/02/2023 08:05

@billy1966 Thank you. I did call children's services yesterday morning. I had about a 30 minute chat with the duty social worker and then the MASH team that deals with safeguarding. We don't meet the threshold for their intervention.
No in receipt of certain benefits, no prison record for DH, he's a teacher etc......
I can sort of see why - not in a deprived area, no schooling issues, children are at a school that is sought-after locally.
Unless someone is in the home or sees us out together, no-one can believe the contempt DH shows me and the boys.

Have you spoken to the Early Help team/,self referred to them (can usually do online) rather than going through MASH?

TheLostGiraffe · 15/02/2023 02:16

WhereAreYouKeir · 13/02/2023 16:59

Update February 2023

Thank you to all of you who replied. I'm humbled by the wise advice, general support for mums and understanding. I found myself crying reading every few posts and wondering how on earth there was so much sanity online and yet I felt like I was losing mine.

I had some good legal advice and started to withdraw from DH. Carrying on life wit the children as if he wasn't there, going to weekend rugby, swimming etc and just not engaging with his sulking and grumpiness.

Added to that, I had a health scare re hormonal cancers in mum's family, lots of checking, nothing ruled out but I won't know if I'm in the clear for another two weeks.

We had a party last week where DH felt poorly - normal run of the mill stuff with primary age kids. But DH's colleagues were also at the event with their party and he was furious with our boy 'showing him up'. My boy was sick and waited in the car while DH schmoozed with his colleagues.

We had a big disagreement about kids first, sod your colleagues. DH was so surprised and then angry. Stormed off into the cellar, and then packed his bag.
Drove off with the kids crying outside begging him not leave.
I cannot forgive him for telling the kids it was all their fault.
Something just snapped in me.

3 days later......no contact. I asked the police to do a welfare check because we didn't know where he was. And this morning, he's back. I should have got the locks changed but legally I cannot stop him from returning to the joint home.
Just rolled in with a face like thunder and stomped into the spare room.

I'm seeing a solicitor later this week re behaviour escalating and the impact on our boys. The neighbours saw the boys crying on the drive asking him not to leave so others outside the home are now seeing things he would rather they did not.

I am so torn about filing for divorce now and what contact would mean for the kids. Deep down I know I need to do it for them, and for me.
Just when I think he can't be any worse...bang and he does something like this.

Thanks for reading....it helps me structure my muddled thinking on here

You absolutely must do it for them and for you. You are doing the right thing, 100%. You cannot stay married to someone abusive, you know this.

Sally2791 · 15/02/2023 05:59

Please divorce this excuse of a man. You will feel such huge relief once you have a safe happy home for your children

Lougle · 15/02/2023 06:52

You are putting your children first and I admire you deeply for that.

Original poster
WhereAreYouKeir · 15/02/2023 12:54

Thank you
@TheLostGiraffe Yes, I did ask about early intervention/family in need services. At the moment in my county, those services are having to be prioritised for families where children are already known to services, such as having an EHCP in school, parents known to adult mental health or crisis services.

Like so many areas in England, it feels very crisis-led and I can see why someone with a professional job, low-crime/deprivation postcode won't be a priority.

I've asked my GP practice for an appointment to see if I can get a referral that way - younger DS is still five but there's no health visitor here.
I'm going to keep calling each day to see if I can get a face-to-face appointment for a referral. My GP is overworked and lovely, I can see why everyone wants to see her.

OP posts:
GoldenCupidon · 15/02/2023 13:37

I admire you too, I can see why you want to wait for the health issue to be resolved. On the other hand if it's worrying news and requires more investigation or treatment say, think how much harder it'll be to leave during that time.

I'm sorry I can't remember whether you've done this, but I think you should speak to a really trusted friend or family member about this, so someone has your back whatever happens next.

GoldenCupidon · 15/02/2023 13:37

I also hope you can keep a journal in case this does come to court. Every kind of interaction (or refusal to interact) he has with the kids.

Louisetopaz21 · 15/02/2023 14:51

Contact Ss again and mention PIPOT and see what they say. They do have a duty of care.

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 15:02

Louisetopaz21 · 15/02/2023 14:51

Contact Ss again and mention PIPOT and see what they say. They do have a duty of care.

Good suggestion.

He is a teacher that is terrorising his family and SS are not interested.

OP, ask for the name of who you are dealing with as you wish to confirm by email their refusal to help you and your children.

kateandme · 15/02/2023 16:13

Also op.there sadly will always come up a new reason to wait.
Wouldn't you rather be safe and settled to face what might be next.
How many just til Christmas, birthday,summer,holidays, exams,illness has there been up to now!?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/02/2023 22:43

WhereAreYouKeir

im sorry abiut the health scare

did you manage to speak with a nice solicitor ?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/02/2023 22:46

Sorry I’ve seen your update

don’t worry about divorce and contact
these things can work themselves out and whatever happens they will have less time with him

they need you strong and happier
which will eventually will be x as hard as this is to imagine right now

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/02/2023 22:47

If you call womens aid they will make an SS referral

Louisetopaz21 · 16/02/2023 16:59

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 15:02

Good suggestion.

He is a teacher that is terrorising his family and SS are not interested.

OP, ask for the name of who you are dealing with as you wish to confirm by email their refusal to help you and your children.

Show quote history

I would also speak to LADO who would be interested.

Original poster
WhereAreYouKeir · 16/02/2023 20:51

@kateandme I haven't really waited on a 'til Christmas' 'til the next birthday'. Things have been difficult for about 15 months now. The first 3-4 months, I found things odd and just very confused. Then incorrectly I know now, went through a few months of trying to work out what was wrong with him - what could I do, was he having an affair, did I do something to deserve all this?
After all, he is wonderful with everyone else.
I know this period has changed me and I can see my self-esteem is not in a good place and I have just kept trying to fix things, make things better, try to compensate for things with my boys.
It took the Christmas hols to really see that I'm allowed to be angry with the relentless conveyor of bad behaviour from my husband. And so I want to change things, for my boys more than anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereAreYouKeir · 16/02/2023 20:55

@GoldenCupidon Thank you. I've been keeping a log of things since the big summer school holidays. I've got screenshots of messages he has sent me as well in case I lose my phone or if it gets damaged.

OP posts:
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