Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

You need to find your anger OP. I would seriously think about packing his bags, dropping them of at his parents and informing him not to come back home. He is treating you and your children with utter contempt.

@Weatherwax13 I know I always have had this thing about fixing things, making it better, being optimistic about things.
I feel so tired of it all now. I should just detach myself from him and wondering what is going on with him.

And he may not have anyone else - yet - but it sounds like he has emotionally checked out of the marriage (but hasn't actually got the balls to go through with it).

OP, sending much good will but I think you need to very calmly and quietly sit him dish and tell him you have come to a point where you feel the marriage is not making either of you happy
& that you feel that, given he has refused help, you want to end things.

If he is in any way a decent man, he will leave & let you & the DC stay in their home.

What you have described is so so sad, and breaks my heart. My marriage ended up in a similar way but thankfully our DC was only a baby so doesn't remember much.

I'm not going to pretend that leaving / doing it solo is easy, but I was so so relieved when he finally left (my request).

You will need money. Keep your career. If your parents / family / friends are nearby that will help.

Your DC are young enough that longer term you could move somewhere for secondary school.

Good luck. I do think - sadly - that you gave no option but to leave. Perhaps(?) make it clear that the door is open if he gets help.

I would leave it open for as long as you can. Men can be extremely stubborn & it nay take him many months to wake up to what he has lost.

Show him this thread?

My advice to him; you are taking your family cue granted & you are about to lose everything. Change now or you will regret this for the rest of your life.

Why on earth do you want him to stay?

There is no hope for this relationship, and you and your children shouldn't have to live like this. His behaviour will be damaging your children already, no question about that. Perhaps he will realise what he has given up when he leaves and change (very unlikely), but he must leave. You owe it to your children and yourself.

That is not a marriage. It's over. Ask him to leave and do it for your children if not yourself.

I agree

I am divorcing mine. I tried to fix it for him for a long time, but eventually came to see that he didn't think there was anything wrong in how he was acting and he actively pushed back against me trying to engage him, much like yours.

Mid divorce, he is now sad about losing the opportunity to see the children all the time (but not actually parent them). Tough.

I hope all goes well for you OP

This sounds miserable for you and your poor children.
He says he wants to leave! Good tell him to. You deserve better than this
I find it worrying that a primary school teacher can be so horrid to his children, what's he like with his pupils?

He sounds awful and I feel for your kids. He offers you all nothing. Whether he has an OW or not is neither here nor there, i would be asking him to leave as this isnt working anymore. Then see what he does next. Not sure what you think going to a GP is going to do. You said yourself he has disengaged, he is on his phone alot and spends hours out of the house. For me I wouldnt be surprised if his head hasnt been turned. But either way he isnt being a good husband or father

@Twillow We've been together for 13 years and married for 10. He was super-positive, warm, caring. He had a mixed friendship group, male and female. He made everything seem so sunny and easy. At least that is what I can remember.
I do catch him preening alot in the mirror talking about his weight loss or new trouser size. And the idea of another woman has crossed my mind on many occasions.

This is no way to live. Of course its incredibly difficult to leave a marriage, especially with children in the mix. It's not a decision to make lightly. However he's actually being abusive with the stonewalling.

Can you get to a place where you can strongly assert: that you won't continue to live this way any longer, that for a long time he has behaved in a way that means you are very unhappy and you are setting a very bad example to your DC. He has choices: take action to improve his mood, behaviour, temper or leave and you start to live separately with a view to divorce.

I think you might need to work on your self esteem first. You need to fully believe that you deserve so much more and that you are right when you say he isn't treating you or the DC well. Until you have that confidence you will hear him when he lies you - says it's your fault, that he hasn't done anything wrong etc.

I return to my first point - this is no way to live. I suspect you know that. Otherwise you wouldn't be here.

He is emotionally abusing your children.

if you can’t end it for you at least do it for them.

@ThePoshUns Parents think he is amazing with their kids. He can't do enough for his pupils. Esp the high achievers, loads of praise and name dropping them at home.
DS7 is currently behind with reading and I feel DH is ashamed that his son isn't quite the golden child he expected.

So sorry OP...

Hugs

I feel angry on your behalf, OP.
For how he's treating you all.
And I suspect there's someone else. He is no longer to be trusted.

This is so hard to read. The way he's treating the kids, and the way in which they notice it, their innocence in their response.
I really feel for you.
You need to put a stop to it. An ultimatum. Ask him to hand over his phone and look for the clues. Kick him out. Contact a lawyer. Something. Action is needed.

It's very clear that the marriage is over. You need to approach this from a purely tactical/logistical point of view. I'd sit him down when the kids are in bed. Calmly and without emotion, tell him that you've reached the end of the road and that your goal now - which he surely shares (prod his conscience) - is to navigate the separation and divorce in the way that causes the least amount of distress and disruption to the children. The way to do that is for him to leave the family home. If he refuses to do so (and assuming he has the means to house himself elsewhere), I'd let him know that I would be applying to the courts for an occupation order.

He's going to be an absolute bastard, OP. You need to prepare yourself and be very clear in your mind what your next steps and end goal are, with the assumption that he will not cooperate. You need to know what your options are so you can minimise his ability to make your life hard.

Get legal advice and find out what would happen if you split up. Once you know where you stand you can make an informed decision. Then assume you are going to split up and set you private plan in motion to get where you need to be. Cash withdrawals, cash back, give cash to sister etc to squirrel away for you. You normally provide 12 months bank statements for the divorce.

If he says he wants to leave I would say ‘it’s not a prison, you know where the door is, leave if that is what you want. I want our marriage to work, I am prepared to do counselling etc, but if you want to go, go’.

I wonder if he is trying to get you to be the bad guy, so he can play the victim.

Have you heard of the 180? You need to focus on you. Detach - even if it’s awful to do. You need to look after yourself at the moment. He may have had his head turned. She is likely ti The only control you have is making your life how you want it.

He is abusive. Shouting at you. Silent treatment. What is the point of this relationship, with this selfish manchild? He's making you miserable and upsetting your kids and on top of it all you are supporting him financially, why?! Just divorce him and provide your children with a health environment to grow up in.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

This is gaslighting and abuse, your children and you are living life walking on eggshells. I would look into coercive control and emotional abuse, and also start formulating a plan to leave

@Madamswearsalot I suspect you are right about self-esteem. I'd never tolerate anything like this in my work or with peers, friends. And yet somehow at home, this is where I've ended up.
I've had a year of 3 bereavements, parent with Stage 4 cancer right now, and I've taken my eye of the ball. But then I ask myself where is the support from him in all this?

You seem so detached OP. Are you scared of him? Numb?
I think he sounds scary.
I know what it is like to look away from the truth that's there -- that your relationship is over/ you don't love him / etc. As soon as those thoughts come to the surface there is no going back, and it's terrifying. Especially if you think your DH might get even nastier if he's thrown out.
But you are not living. This man is stealing your life. Actually days which cannot be replaced. When I realised that, in my own case, I got really angry, and more frightened of that than of ending it. That carried me through.
Good luck.

You don't give him a deadline for therapy, you give him a deadline to leave.
You go and tell him now, I want you to leave at the weekend.
You do this for your children they don't deserve to live in this atmosphere.
Be strong and do it now, it's not yours or your children's fault and you don't have to put yourself or them through it, he has issues.
It's your priority to put your children first. X