Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

You’re concentrating on the wrong persons mental health; think of your kids please.

He’s not depressed he’s just an idiot.

and so are you if you continue to put your kids through this. Wake up, pull yourself together and get the 3 of you out of this situation.
it’ll be the best thing you ever do.
good luck.

He’s not depressed at all - he’s unhappy maybe - if he has the energy to do his job and go to the gym he’s fine. Could he have had his head turned by someone else - could he be having an affair - is he going to the gym - have you checked the clothes are the damp do they smell. You really need to start letting others know he’s behaving like this to you and his children. He’s an f..ing teacher - he’s a hypocrite - tell him to move out - he’s living the life of a single man -
He maybe one of those men who’s ego won’t let him leave - his ego can’t see him being the bad guy - given his pleasant persona to others. I’d really start letting people know - your family and friends - I maybe tempted to secretly tape him as proof. How very very cruel he is being.
if you feel threatened by him you can call the police.
Maybe worth chatting to womens aid.
🌺

Those poor children looking for dad's approval and walking on eggshells to accommodate his moods, then blanking his own children. He doesn't deserve to have any of you in his life. If he can do charm personified then depression ain't the problem. It's him for being a sorry excuse for a human being.

Tell him to leave - you need a solicitor, not a therapist. Horrified by the number of women here who describe their partner's shitty behaviour and say (almost invariably) that he's depressed. He may be, but he's also a selfish arsehole who is mistreating you and the children. Be strong for them if you can't do it for yourself.

I feel very sorry for you but my god your children are being horribly abused by this man who has absolutely no interest in any of you.

Start recording him and make sure your phone is locked.

You need to get legal advice and talk to Women's aid.

Your children know EXACTLY what is going on.

They may not have the language but they are absorbing everything.

The will suffer because of this abuse and neglect with the MH, anxiety and destructive behaviour that dogs the lives of children reared around men like him.

Record him and send copies to your friend.

Of course he didn't want her visiting.

Abuse thrives in darkness.

Shine a light on it.
Talk openly to friends and family.
Get legal advice.
Ask Women's aid to involve SS because of how he treats the children, a teacher🙄.

Self report.
You can do that.
See how that goes down with your street angel and house terrorist.

Men like him hate anyone knowing what shit fathers and shit husbands they are.

I know of a couple of cases where awful behaviour has been deliberately relayed to the HR departments/colleagues where these men worked, post divorce.

The humiliation was totally unexpected and satisfyingly devastating.

HR can be a leaky vessel IME.

you can leave someone anyway if they are depressed and don't seek help and end up emotionally abusing you. It doesn't matter what's causing it, you need to remove yourself/him and lead a happier life, your poor children, I've been that child with the dad with unstable moods, it's awful and has a long-term effect. Wish my mum had got out years earlier. They can still have him in their lives although in his case he sounds totally disinterested in parenting them.

He keeps saying that. I have said, I'm sorry that is what he wants but it is his choice to leave. And then nothing!

Why are you giving him the control over whether or not he leaves? Take it back for yourself and tell him to go. He may be depressed or he may be an arsehole. We don't know. But neither give him the right to behave like this.

Yes you are clutching at straws. Stop trying to find reasons to excuse/explain his behaviour, to be able to say it's not the real him it's the depression or anxiety talking. Stop treating him as a project to be fixed. Only he can fix it (if there IS a problem) or change himself. Stop feeling like you'll have failed if you don't hang on until one day the sun comes out and you're all skipping round happily like new born lambs. Stop you and your children walking on eggshells. Stop waiting for him to become the man he used to be.

In the nicest way possible, he's told you he wants to leave, so let him.

Even if this is true, and he’s depressed or suffering a midlife crisis, it’s not up to you to fix it.

What is up to you is securing a happy home for your children. If that means separating from their father, you should do that.

He sounds like a complete shit, tbh. I don’t know any female teachers who would refuse to do school holiday childcare.

Your husband is a primary school teacher and treats his own kids like shit? I can't believe that poor little boy is struggling to read and he does nothing to help.

Like PP said, don't give him a deadline to see the GP, give him a deadline to move out. He is an abusive arsehole and your kids are being emotionally abused in their own home. The damage he is doing to them is already showing. Don't let it get worse. Dump him now.

This is abusive. The next time he says he wants to leave, tell him to go, don’t say you’re sorry he feels that way. Don’t back down. Why should you and your children move out, it’ll be easier for him to find somewhere to live than you and two small dc will.
It’s time he had a few home truths thrown his way. Tell him he’s a shit father and husband, he is abusing his children, he may not be physically abusive but he is emotionally abusing them by ignoring them, being impatient with them, refusing to care for them, not spending any time with them. They are innocents. He’s a father not a single man without responsibilities.

Parents think he is amazing with their kids.

Abusive men are usually one long grin to the outside world, the kind man who would do anything to help anyone in a crisis, a pillar of the community but a complete cunt to his wife and kids behind closed doors, I've seen it many times. I'm so sorry OP but he needs to leave, just think of your quiet, peaceful home when you're no longer walking on eggshells

What difference if he is depressed? He's a fucking cunt. I had one exactly the same who treated me and the kids like utter shit and had nothing to do with us, never at home and never engaged. I also believed he was depressed, and I tormented myself trying to support and fix him. Anyway, surprise surprise he was having an affair with a work colleague. The 2.5 years of misery and depression started exactly when the affair did. And he was depressed, depressed to be stuck in a situation he didn't want to be in. Please please please see sense and fuck him out.

And once I did fuck him out, oh the weight that lifted!!! My life became infinitely easier (despite the suicide threats etc, but that's another story). The hard part for me was deciding to finish it, but once I did, a whole world of peace and possibility opened up for me. Save yourself, your life will be better without him dragging you down and poisoning you.

I’ve read your post OP, but have not read all the replies so apologies if I’m repeating something someone has already said.

Most of all, You deserve a happy life. So do your children.

He wants to end it, I think, but wants to stay comfortably where he is. So it seems to me he’s hoping you’ll finally have had enough and move out. I don’t see why he should get to do that. You do all the at home work, you make the home.

Do not let him try to make you feel less than you are. Chances are the longer you let this go on the more beaten down you’ll feel.

I would suggest seek counselling for yourself now - preferably with someone who can help you rebuild your confidence, and also help you work out a practical plan to extricate yourself from this marriage, as it does look like the marriage is over.

At any rate counselling often helps us to see things more clearly.

Get that divorce rolling don't wait for him. Present him with the divorce petition. I guarantee he is having an affair. Typical behaviour.⁰

Sorry to say it sounds just like my ex who eventually left and I then discovered he’d been having an affair for at least a year. The mention of his mixed friendship group? The apparently defined period of time that this has been? The time he’s not around? I hope I’m wrong. I eventually did some snooping he had walked out and it was left to me to work out exactly what was going on so I drove over to his workplace and saw him leaving with a woman. He never told me I just had to use detective work. I was worried he was having a breakdown! Good luck perhaps I’m wrong hope so.

OP read through your first post again.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He told you to leave and the kids stay with him but apparently they irritate him and do his head in.

He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up. He's abusive to you and the kids and everyone just tip toes round him.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. Next time he says this tell him fine go and pack your stuff. And mean it. Honestly you're better than this, he's treating you like an absolute doormat. You'd be so much happier without him.
💐💐💐💐

Depressed or not he’s a fucking prick.
I left one like this not long ago, absolute hell for 5 years, shouting, banging doors, speaking to our 3 year old and me like shit, constant swearing, always on the phone watching podcasts etc. But all sweetness and light with other people.

I’ll put this bluntly, you shouldn’t give a shit whether he’s depressed or not, as it’s your kids and you who are suffering. I can’t tell you how happier and less stressful life is without an arsehole of a partner. I hope you find the freedom I did. Good luck xx

I will also add, he checked out long ago. Parenting is hard. Like many men, he has discovered it’s not for him and he won’t do it. Cut him loose asap. He has no intention of being a father or partner or family man and would rather selfishly live like he did prior to children.

Hes not depressed. He simply isn’t interested in the parenting / family / marriage gig.

You give him a chance to leave! Sorry he isn’t going to the GP he has nothing wrong he’s having an affair I’m afraid. Take care and stop accepting this abuse. Good luck

Also the kids need their Mum the most

Tell him to leave. Your children deserve better and so do you.

I know someone who was just like this, and was using an affair as part of the attempt to shore himself up, I think. I suspect that it just added to his self loathing.

It was excruciating, he was foul to his employees, and his family, but no one else thought he seemed depressed, but I grew up with an angry depressive parent, and it seemed very obvious to me.

Unfortunately it all ended horribly, which I'm not saying to scare you, but to point out that it's perfectly possible to have major depression, and an affair, and there's little you can do if he's on a destructive path.

It's up to you if you want to try and help, but your first duty is to your children, as they are suffering hugely in this environment.

Is he trying to get you to leave, making you the baddie?

I'm so sorry, it is an awful decision to have to make.