Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

Please do something about this. You may find the initial conversation awful but once it’s been had you can move forward. You need out and the first reason is to protect your children. They and you are experiencing mental abuse. Your children will be effected by this massively even if you don’t see this now but if you can be strong enough to to separate your boys will benefit.
I can promise you that once it’s just yourself and the boys in your home it will be a breath of fresh air to you! I also recommend you seeking solicitor advice & logging what is said and events that have happened.
Please remove yourself from this man as soon as you can. Keep us updated and good luck.

He sounds like my ex.
Abusive to me at home (controlling, absent, silent treatment, everything was my fault) but all smiles in public.
I put up with it for years.
Luckily he started before we had any children, so I didn't have children with him.
The divorce took years, he was refusing to let me go, I'd start now.

Your life will be so much better without him. Your children will thank you. Trust me on that.

He’s being abusive to your kids. And you.

please protect your children from this environment it will be damaging them.

Im so sorry you are living in such a horrible situation it must feel so oppressive but please get out or get him out. I honestly think you will feel like a huge weight has lifted.

tell him to get out and if he won’t then move out with the kids.

see a solicitor asap.

Hé doesn’t eat with you and his sons. That is so dismissive it’s weird.

tell him that if he goes tomorrow he can take the toaster with him, so he’ll be alright on the self catering front.

Being depressed doesn’t give you the right to be a total cunt to everyone around you, and to abuse your kids.

Tell him to leave. If he loves you all he will find a way to get his shit together. If he loves the kids but not you, he will find a way to step up for your children. If he’s just tapped out completely, nothing will change but you and your children will be happier.

Yes, I thought this. He sounds awful

Being depressed doesn’t mean you need to tolerate bad behaviour indefinitely

it makes sense for him to move out and do some soul searching/get his shit together. It’s not fair for him to do that whilst living with the children as his rude behaviour impacts them and causes them mental issues (ie “why doesn’t daddy like me?”, or being scared of a tense environment with doors slamming etc).

ultimately you may not get back together but if that’s the case, it will be the right decision long term x

Sorry I was meant to put a quote with that about him being a teacher, and what a horrible one he must be.

This!....mine was exactly the same OP as you describe your DH and.... he was having an affair. I, like you excused his behaviour, lack of support, selfishness, nastiness and withdrawal from marriage and family as depression/midlife crisis/house move.

It wasn't until the writing was on the wall his affair smacked me in the face.
Please don't waste 2 years as I did trying to stick our marriage back together. Find your voice, ask him to leave or at least separate and see if he comes to his senses to either disclose an OW or what is wrong with him. He has the problem, he should be the one to go.

Btw - Men who are depressed do not 'preen' themselves or spend hours at the gym etc. He has had his head turned plain and simple.

I echo the poster who advised you to read “Why Does He Do That?”. It should be mandatory in schools if I may say so.
This guy is abusing you all.
It is a priority to get him out of your lives.
fuck what his parents/friends think.
Tell him to get out, however you need to say it. If he won’t apply for an occupation order.
Your children do not need this wanker in their lives. Maybe he’ll parent them when he is living as a single man, because that has kudos with his admirers.
PS i know the type very well

He's met someone else and is too cowardly to be the bad guy by ending things so is making life unbearable so you decide to call time on it. Spineless abusive piece of shit. Get legal advice in terms of child contact because I'm pretty certain he's going to be an arsehole regarding it

“In 30 years time, do you want your sons to be treating their partners and children like they’re nothing? Having their families walking on eggshells? Because that’s what they’re learning right now, while you wait for this pathetic excuse for a father to behave like a human being. Sorry if that’s harsh, I had a detached father … it can have a serious negative affect on your emotional development.”

This with bells on. It’s extraordinary that he behaves like this. It’s horrible. BTW, it’s common for abusers to cultivate very caring and very respectable public personas. It’s so they can perpetuate their myth of themselves as thoroughly decent people while making their partners, who see a different side, feel they must be going mad and their children feel worthless. A dear friend of mine left her emotionally and financially abusive marriage after a decade. Her ex-husband was a head teacher. Kind and caring to everyone but his family.

Seriously, OP - you may be able to rationalise this so as to make your H trivial to you but this horrible man is teaching your children that they aren’t worth loving and that this is somehow normal. Please get him gone. Then they will at least know that it’s not normal and the fault lies with their father, not them.

He went to the gym at 530 today. The boys stayed up to see him when he got back and he ignored them saying they were doing his head in. FFS.

This is just awful.
Ultimatum. He gets help (GP and marriage counselling) or he leaves.
If he does neither, leave.

Shite father and shite husband.

My ex-husband was like that. I thought he was having a nervous breakdown: Nope. He was having an affair.

Maybe yours is, or isn't. Either way it doesn't sound healthy.

Ask him to leave. He is being horribly abusive to your sons. Who ignores their own children or children are afraid to make nosies? I promise you this is damaging your child re and teaching them how to behave in a future relationship.

i dont think a gp can help him-yes people can mask depression i do it alot but i havent checked out at home
nnoone should talk to their children like that no matter what

And he didn’t want your friend staying because he knows just what a bastard he is at home and didn’t want a third party seeing it. That itself tells you loads. I’m so sad for your children. Please get him gone.

At some point you have to stop caring what his problem is. It's irrelevant, if he won't seek help or even admit that there's a problem. You can't help him, but you can stop him from hurting you and the children.

It simply no longer matters what's wrong with him, now. What's important is protecting your children and yourself from further damage, as far as possible.

Find a way to get him out of the house, or leave with the kids, if there's no other way out of this situation. Don't worry what other people say, the ones who don't know the reality of your life. They're not the ones suffering. Let them think what they like!

You said he keeps threatening to leave OP? I think you should call his bluff and let him go. His behaviour is destroying your well-being. It’s not good for the kids either. It doesn’t sound like he’s adding any value to your life 💐

My heart hurts for you and your poor boys, OP. Big cuddle x

He will say openly that I don't have a clue what is going on in terms of current affairs.

Well you need to say ‘you have no idea what’s going on in this house’

Id divorce- then he’d have to step up as a parent. And do his own laundry.

Something has to change.
I'd put a suitcase on the bed and tell him to pack. Not In a horrible way , but just matter of fact.

Tell him he's made it obvious he's not happy and resents you and the children. It's a horrible example for the children and enough is enough.

Tell him to go, think about what he wants and then you can meet in a months time to agree what happens next.

It's either the kick that he needs and he'll come back a changed husband and father or you go your separate ways.

Frankly either option is 100% better than where you are today.

Good luck

Give him a deadline to see a GP?!

I'd be giving him a deadline to get his bags packed and get himself down the road a chunk and since he would only have 30 minutes, he'd best get his backside moving and the bin bags out ready to put his stuff in!

Don't bloody leave. Ask him to leave! Why should the kids have to leave their home. Good luck x

It doesn't actually matter if he is depressed. His health is his responsibility, not yours. Protecting yourself and your children from his shitty behaviour is your responsibility. I think you need advice from a lawyer about whether you have a claim to stay in the house while the dc are young. The fact he has done no childcare for a prolonged period will make it clear you are a main parent.