Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

He doesn't want to be in the marriage but wants you to end it so he can play the martyr.

Why are you gripping on to him? Let him go.
I’m confused that you say you are the breadwinner, but also that he is a teacher?
If you do earn much more than just take your boys and move out

You and your DC's deserve better. I really feel for your boys. To wait for their father to come home and for him to have no interest. It will damage them both if this carries on. Sending you a hug OP.

That’s it, there isn’t any support from him, and it’s hurting you and your children, please get away from him.
It really doesn’t matter what friends and family say based on only a partial view of him.

My heart breaks for you and your poor boys. You deserve so much better. Get legal advice asap.

What makes you think he's depressed? He seems to be living a very full and happy life, hobbies, trips to London, work, socialising.
Just not with his family.
He's on his way out OP, it couldn't be more obvious, and the phone time suggest an affair.
Any ultimatum you issue he will welcome with open arms as an excuse to leave and blame you.
I think you need to stop pathologising it (being a twat is not a MH condition) or hoping a GP/therapist can fix it, and start preparing for a life without him. You'll be so much happier and so will your children.

Sounds like he had his head turned or he is sick of family life, either way this isn't fair to you or the children.

If I had to guess I would say there is an OW. He is investing all his energy and emotions on her, being on cloud nine and living in a fantasy. Only at the end of the day he comes back home and reality hits. You and the DC are there- obstacles to the new fantasy he is building in his head. Hence the frustration and moodiness.

You can say why he is simply not leaving. Well, can he afford to leave? And if he does, then I expect he still doesn't want to be painted as the villain who split the family. He is pushing for you to get that role.

Don't you leave your children with him, he's not well.
Tell him to leave now by the weekend.
If he won't leave call the police.

@Dotcheck Yes. I've got a corporate role, it's in a regulated bit. I used to work with DH and a couple of our friends at the same firm.
DH went into teaching 4 years ago. The agreement was that he step up more with childcare and I'd take a promotion I'd been working towards to help us manage the drop in income.

He sounds like my own father. As a child, I felt powerless and frustrated. Fathers like this are extremely toxic.

He doesn’t need therapy, he needs to leave

Be strong now, kick him out. Poor children, they notice even more than you think.. I feel for you, but now you really need to start taking actions. Good luck!

The more I read I do think he is trying to force you to end things so he doesn’t have to take responsibility or breaking up the family and he can maintain his credibility with your family and friends. He can then skip off with his OW who will of course be a new ‘girlfriend’ and it will have nothing to do with the break up. He clearly was affected by you choosing to end it and everyone will be all supportive of him. I think you need to start being honest with your friends and family about what is happening in your home.

Don't hang on to deadwood the hold you down. X

This

@5128gap A friend visited us a few weeks ago. She was with us for two nights and she noted how different he was when we went out versus us being at home.
DH was really unhappy at her staying with us.

She's mentioned that there will be some depressives who put on a smiley face and can mask when around some with with their close ones, they just drop the mask. She's a medic so I thought there could be something in that.
She said she has helped treat depressives and there is a pattern in some men of being utterly self-centred, when it comes to mid-life crisis associated depression.

Also, perhaps I am just clutching at straws and he's just awful.

He's trying to make out you're the problem. What he's doing is gaslighting and bordering on abuse with the silent treatment
He actively won't seek therapy.
Do not give his ass another minute of your time.
You are amazing juggling all that you are and you don't deserve to be treated as anything less than that.
Your kids sounds very affected by this, that would have to be the final straw for me.
Tell him to go and if he won't tell him you're selling the house and starting without him.
If he wants no relationship with your kids after then that's on him, it doesn't sound like they have a good relationship with him now.
You will always wonder what if, but you don't need some sorry ass man child in your life

Omg my exH was just like this. Every crumb of self-esteem from the outside world was treasure. But SO highly critical of his own kids, never built their self-esteem up. (Also in education, funnily enough, and also a gym goer/opter out of family life). I finally came to my senses and realised I couldn't change him and that there were 3 other lives to be taken into consideration, and I have nil regrets that he is a now exH.

@Xaviera Sorry to hear about that.

But it doesn’t matter either way does it? If he’s depressed, and I doubt he is, he’s doing nothing to get help and the outcome is still the same - you and your children are living in a toxic and abusive environment and you need to protect them.

You’re already a single parent. You just have a bullying, miserable adult living there too ruining your children’s lives. Get rid of him, you’ll all be much happier!

I never heard of someone with depression who goes to gym btw.. I think he might cheat?

@WhereAreYouKeir In 30 years time, do you want your sons to be treating their partners and children like they’re nothing? Having their families walking on eggshells? Because that’s what they’re learning right now, while you wait for this pathetic excuse for a father to behave like a human being. Sorry if that’s harsh, I had a detached father … it can have a serious negative affect on your emotional development.

You're the breadwinner. Do you actually want to stay with him? If not, leave. Better off without him I say

Being depressed is not an excuse for being awful person.