Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

its good to be angry. because now with tis level of behaviour any time you stay close to this man is going to ruin you and your boys. the boys are already showing that behaviour arent they.you need to protect your own self and them now.you need to be free of this man.you deserve to be.
this is his problem. this is what hes done.

Please be careful. He's showing several non-physical forms of domestic abuse towards you and towards the children. Men like this escalate.

Men like this who's standing in the community means everything to them go a bit fucking nuts when they lose that standing - such as a divorce. He's weird already from a weirdo family who put him on a pedestal.

He will blame you, and could also display erratic or dangerous behaviour, and when he then shows that behaviour to others, that too will also be deemed your fault and if/when he loses friends due to his behaviour he won't ever see that it was his own actions and nothing to do with you that caused it.

So please get a little advice from WA on splitting safely.

ItsaMetalBand

agree
op I donate to WA exactly for women like you

call them - and if you have already apologies

you need to , and this will get things back to social services

they referred us and my ex was less fuxked up than yours , yours is another level of nasty x

Have your read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.
You are living in an abusive relationship.
Call WA for advice & addresses of good legal people for domestic abuse.
Change you log ins for phone, computer etc, delete any joint cloud. You are going to need to keep your cards close to your chest while you prepare to eject your utter shit of a husband

UPDATE 22 MARCH 2023

Thank you to all of you whose support and words have urged me to keep going. There have been days when it's a huge effort to do anything other than work/childcare but I need a long term plan.

I've had a diagnosis of a blood-borne condition and I start treatment next week. DH is unaware and I doubt he'd step up to anything.
I challenged him about a month ago about the home persona/ outside-of-the-home charmer. He blamed me for not reminding him to pick up the boys' coats that had been left in a cafe. He made a big show of packing a bag and telling me and the boys, this was it, it was all our fault. He was leaving us.

And he did. He left. The boys were so upset.
I cannot forgive him for blaming the boys.
I took legal advice and learned I couldn't lock him out of his own home. 3 days later ,he came back with his bag and has been acting as though nothing has happened.
He came back and got signed off work for two weeks and is taking ADs from the doctor.

Treatment should take around 12 weeks as long as there are no supply issues with medication. I am saving like mad, and have started to take copies of paperwork, scanning them and keeping copies at work.
I'm fully prepared for him not leaving the house. Instead the boys and I will go, I just need to find a rental place that is close enough for them not to change schools.

Thank you all for posting and sharing your own experiences. Thank you also for solicitor recommendations.

Talk to a solicitor before you do anything - they may advise you not to leave the family home.

Thanks for the update and sorry to hear of your illness. I hope you are still feeling strong as it looks like your H is playing games. Make sure you are getting good legal advice. I wouldn't move out unless you are desperate or you could lose any claim to the property of you do

Thanks for letting us know how you’re doing, hope your treatment is successful. Stay strong, it sounds like your ‘D’H is continuing to be a total knobhead, have you had good legal advice?

I agree, see a solicitor before you do anything.

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis. I hope your treatment goes well. Take care of yourself FIRST.

All you can do right now is ignore him as much as humanly possible. Don't speak to him, don't even be in the same room with him if you can help it. Carry on with your life as a woman and as a mother. Leave him to his own devices. Don't let him get under your skin, he thrives on it.

home persona/ outside-of-the-home charmer. "Street angel, house devil". More common than you know.

Applaud your strength. Hope Mumsnetters have provided support for you. Lots of luck to you and your DS's. Wishing you the best x

Saying that to your boys is completely unforgivable. Sorry you have had worries with your health, hope the treatment goes well. Don't know what the right decision is regarding the house. He seems to be causing stress just being there. 💕

WhereAreYouKeir

firstly best of luck with the treatment lovely xxxx

And well done
for keeping your head above water
both you and your sons deserve better
and you will get better , but there is only so much you can do

i really hope people are holding you in RL
when you have more strength I strongly recommend the freedom programme
hes a nasty fuxker and you need help to develop boundaries with him

@WhereAreYouKeir how are you getting on, hope things have improved for you and your boys.

Hope you are OK OP and your treatment is going well.

What has your solicitor said about all of this? Sorry your H is being such a dick

Yes, hope all is well OP x