Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

He’s miserable but too much of a wimp to leave because people will see him as the bad guy. He wants you to be the bad guy and leave or throw him out. Then he can get freedom AND sympathy from everyone who knows.

This is very peculiar on his part - he says he wants to leave but doesn't follow through; he pretends he doesn't know why you might be unhappy when he says he wants to leave; he doesn't look after the children now and is ruining his own relationship with them, but he imagines that if you left he would suddenly be able and happy to look after them by himself. Also clearly he doesn't want anyone to know that he wants to separate, so he wants it to look like you walked out.
His parents are also peculiar - there can't be a problem with their son, it must be your fault, you must need therapy? How very strange.
It seems they are all in denial. Are they very concerned with appearances and what other people think?
If he wants to leave, he could be authentic about it, he could start to discuss practical plans. In fact he has left, as you say in your first post, he has left psychologically, but is unwilling to make it public.
How do you feel about both of you going to marriage counselling? He might benefit from the involvement of an external person, unless he just to continues to put on an act for outsiders.

You and your DC will be so much happier without him long term.

Quietly see a solicitor and find out where you stand. Even if he won't leave make your preparations and let your solicitor guide you. Get advice from Woman's Aid.
Don't wait any longer.

I'm not sure I'd recommend marriage counselling but you may well benefit from individual therapy after what must have been a horrid year.

Also try working through the practicalities in your mind. As slowly as you need to. What would work best for you and DC? Build a picture of what it looks like without H and acclimatise yourself to that.

This is the time to prep, disengage and build confidence in your own decision making.

Whether it's depression, another woman or just being an asshole - there's no excuse.

I honestly would make steps to leave. It's horrid for all of you. Your kids are not seeing healthy relationships modelled. They will remember all of this. It's very sad but it's his loss. Secondly you yourself don't have a caring husband at all, that's no marriage or partnership. You deserve to be happy, he's horrid to you in the things he says and acts. He's acting like he has a single life. His parents are awful for saying what they said to you.
To start living and finding happiness takes courage. Saying it is easy, doing it is hard. It's comfortable to stick with what your familiar with, but nothing will change. Don't waste any more days.

Record him covertly his tantrums at the children him saying he wants to leave him asking why you look so miserable watch it back what's the end game here? Hes abusive to the children yet expects you to leave them with him? That makes no sense! Maybe if he was a good father but be really isn't

Buy the book ‘why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men’ by Lundy Bancroft.

Read this book. And then leave your husband.

Well he certainly sounds rather depressed. Maybe it's his relationship with you that's making him depressed, or maybe it's something external and taking it out on the family is a side effect (as wrong as that is)? Frankly, being a primary teacher dealing with a class full of kids all day and then coming home to more kids the same age would probably make me depressed as well!

I seriously doubt it's an affair (despite being the usual MN first response), having affairs usually lifts someone's mood rather than killing it.

Whatever it is, unless you can get him to open up and talk to you then I'm not sure there's any way you can help. You might have to give him the ultimatum - "Either bring me into the loop and see if we can work on the problem together, or move out." If it is your relationship that's the problem then moving out will improve him, if it's not then at least you've both got some space while he works on the problem by himself.

If he says he wants to leave, make him leave. Stop making any effort with him.

You would be better off suggesting you break up amicably and co parent. It sounds like it will come to a head eventually and end in a bad way otherwise.
There is a man out there who will cherish you.
You deserve more and so do the kids.
I grew up in this kind of home and the silent treatment really messed me up. My mum preteneded all was fine which made it worse. I became an over chatty people pleaser, scared of silence. Its worse than it sounds.

Absolutely leave!!! Or ask him to leave!! I'm a primary school teacher, my mam has just died, my dad is seriously ill in hospital and my husband has fucked off and left me and the kids so I have no choice but to carry on..

Honest to fuck what is wrong with men?! Absolute cunts and selfish arseholes!!!

He's earning too as a teacher so saying she's the breadwinner isn't true.

He sounds absolutely awful.

If you can't listen to your inner self, at least listen to what your 7 yr old is telling you. Poor kids.

Shame on him.
Sorry to read of your struggles.

Reading your updates he has totally checked out. He doesn't want to be in a marriage with you and seems to be trying to push you out. Only you haven't gone yet. The way you describe him sounds emotionless. Not depressed though, as he still acts great with friends, his family and goes out all the time. He's not moping around, just trying to spend as little time with you and the kids. Start the divorce. I doubt kids will want to spend time much with him the way he treats them.

She literally says ‘I’m the breadwinner’ in her OP 🤷‍♀️

I would do this as well. You sound like you're holding everything together anyway, you really don't need him in your life. The boys will be witnessing all of this and it will shape what they deem as acceptable in their own relationships in the future. Get out now OP

As you are the main earner and by the sounds of it the main carer, it may be worth thinking about what you would be happy with as regards sharing childcare if you split.

From your own words the idea was that he could look after your DC more by going into teaching whilst you are in a corporate environment. Unless you have proof in the form of messages to show that you have requested that he look after the children during his holidays/after school and he has refused on a number of occasions then I would say that if he applied for more than 50/50 shared care, he may get it and then you would see your DC a lot less and also have to pay child maintenance to him.

I'm not saying this to frighten you, but to make you aware that this could be a tactic and you need to consider how that situation would make you feel.

I bet he's got another woman waiting in the wings. Pack his bags and tell him to go. Any problem call the police. He isn't making you are the children happy, in fact the opposite. He'll find somewhere to go.

So a woman can't earn more than a male teacher...? Honestly, RedHelenB.😖

Aw am sorry you are going through this. He is a selfish **er so you are better off without him in the long run xxxx

Can I just ask if you've gotten angry too? I know you're doing the best for the boys, but you're allowed get angry with this hostility.

Personally I would have my say, but also ask what his childhood was like? Was he treated as a nuisance? After standing up for yourself and some unpacking you both might have a direction to go together?

You say he's told you to leave. You say you couldn't do that and leave the boys with him. If he's really saying "You leave, but the boys stay here!" then he's bluffing. He won't look after them 'his share' of the time as it is, do you really think he'd want to take them on full time? And besides that, what would stop you from taking them with you? Him saying to leave them doesn't mean shit.

You know, my abusive exH used to play the 'then I'll just leave you' card whenever I stood up for myself and demand he change. Cue me starting to cry and saying not to go (idiot that I was) and backing down. But the time came when I said "Fine, go! I want you out of here!" and his jaw hit the floor. And after a week of him trying to intimidate me and me saying "when are you leaving?" and "don't make me call the landlady to throw you out" (she was a friend of my DGP) he left. So, assuming he doesn't present a danger to you or your DC, call his bluff next time. Tell him to go. Keep reminding him that he said he was leaving, keep asking him when.

If that doesn't work, pack up the DC and go yourself. You are now a single parent living in Hell. You can be a single parent living in, if not Heaven, then the next best place. A peaceful and happy home.

I am horrified that he isn't doing everything he can to help your little boy learn to read. He is putting all his efforts into showing off his teaching skills to people he wants to impress while at home there is a little boy who needs his help so badly and is just ignored.

I would arrange for extra tuition for your little boy. If people ask why your husband can't do it, just shrug and say I have no idea but he's just not interested.