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Original poster

Clearly 'one night stands' are not for me :(

244 replies

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 09:46

I spent last weekend with a man I liked, initiated by me, and we slept together which I should never have done because I knew he wasn't over his ex and therefore it would never go anywhere.

He was upfront about the likelihood of them getting back together when she came back to this country and didn't want to lead me on and have me think otherwise.

He's not being dishonest, he didn't cheat - I know them both (her to a lesser degree but still enough to know that they had indeed split up and it had been a couple of months)

I'm sure he likes me too, great chemistry etc, albeit nowhere near enough to pursue anything serious as he wants to be with her. Fair enough.

All I've done is make myself like him more. I'm so sad. What a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 09:55

Having sex causes oxytocin to rise. It apparently does that more so in women than men.

There might be other chemicals involved too.

I've always wondered if it's to make the female bond to the male in case she's pregnant. since you'd imagine babies with input from two parents might have better survival chances. Ive noticed it lessens if/when you have your next period and your brain and body know you're not pregnant. Or that could be coincidental.

I've known very detached, cynical women to end up crying after ONS guys declined to have further contact. They didn't even want/weren't even aiming for a relationship when they had sex with them, but still got very upset when they reached out and he made it clear he was not interested in anything further.

As a result of experience and observation I actually think, for a variety of reasons, that the sexual revolution is a poisoned chalice for women and we need to acknowledge our different evolutionary, sexual and emotional makeup.... While some women can be detached about sex, an awful lot more men can be. Women need to be very careful about who they're creating attachment to through sex etc.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 09:57

At least this guy has been straight and honest and is not stringing you along ..... Although I notice, as is often the case, he's only been very clear after he's had sex with you (?)

There is also definitely a big risk in getting involved with the recently broken up. It is rebound territory, it is "may well end up back together" territory, it is "not ready to jump into another relationship" territory.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 10:02

I wouldn't beat yourself up so much ...you are attracted to and like him, you were clearly in a situation conducive to sex, you're probably an attractive woman and if you initiated there are few men who'd turn that down.

You had hopefully nice sex with a guy; but it's a non starter as he's barely out of a relationship, it's not over, it's more about geographical separation by the sounds of it .... You can never compete with an unfinished relationship in which someone had history, emotional investment etc.

Just move on and try to concentrate on other men, your social life, making yourself happy etc.

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 10:04

That is a really interesting post, Visa. It makes alot of sense. Thank you, and I agree about needing to be careful who we sleep with.

The whole thing is on me as it was before we even met up and slept together he told me about the situation with the ex, she's moving back, they've been talking and in all likelihood will probably get back together.

I was trying to be "cool" and say how fine that was, how I'm happy for it just to be a one night thing (which turned into the whole bloody weekend)

It didn't feel like your bog standard quick bunk up to me, but of course it was.

I cant knock the man at all he's lovely. I think that makes it worse 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 10:05

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the solid advice.

OP posts:
SnitterBug · 07/01/2023 10:07

I think you have been very honest and mature about the whole thing .

Dontknownow86 · 07/01/2023 10:08

I don't think it's for many women to be honest. I've had two both with the intention of them being just that and still made me feel like rubbish.

Just focus on taking care of yourself at the moment and make the decision not to contact him again so you don't prolong the feeling.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 10:09

The whole thing is on me as it was before we even met up and slept together he told me about the situation with the ex, she's moving back, they've been talking and in all likelihood will probably get back together.

Well he's been honest/straight from the start then.

The only thing I could fault him for is having a weekend of sex with a woman whom he petgsos suspects has feelings for him. However maybe he thought, having made clear his position, that you were onboard with that, perfectly ok with that etc.
As a general rule I think many men do not understand why someone would go ahead and have sex if they are not. They'd expect you to bail and not have sex, but of course it's often not that black and white.n

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 10:18

I'm definitely not going to contact him again, it'll just prolong the misery.

At the time I really did believe I'd be okay with it. I thought once I'd 'scratched the itch' I'd be able to just put it to bed and chalk it up to a fun time with somebody I fancied.

"Oh yes that's fine, I'm not looking for anything serious anyway, I'd just like to hook up if you fancied it" I said.

So he really has done nothing wrong and it's all on me.

We had an amazing time. The sex was out of this world. All weekend. He stroked my hair, stared into my eyes, fell asleep together in an embrace. It wasn't what I thought a ONS would be like, I expected it to be a quick shag and then he'd leave.

He text me as soon as I left to thank me for a fantastic weekend saying how much he enjoyed our time together. I think he'd be quite sad If he knew I'm feeling down about it.

Lesson learned I guess. Do not pursue emotionally unavailable men.

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 07/01/2023 10:28

How is it a ONS if it’s “all weekend”?
ive never had one but that’s not the impression I got of ONS. This sounds like you’re going into a FWB situation

fortheast12 · 07/01/2023 10:28

The type of sex was probably because he was missing his ex.

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 10:30

HikingforScenery · 07/01/2023 10:28

How is it a ONS if it’s “all weekend”?
ive never had one but that’s not the impression I got of ONS. This sounds like you’re going into a FWB situation

So he was supposed to stay over on the Friday night but didn't end up leaving until late Sunday afternoon. The vast majority of that time was spent in bed. Do you think that's part of the problem in that if it was just a quick shag I probably wouldn't care as much?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 10:31

fortheast12 · 07/01/2023 10:28

The type of sex was probably because he was missing his ex.

Yeah probably.

I wish them the best. Hopefully things work out and they do get back together if that's what they both want.

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 07/01/2023 10:35

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 10:30

So he was supposed to stay over on the Friday night but didn't end up leaving until late Sunday afternoon. The vast majority of that time was spent in bed. Do you think that's part of the problem in that if it was just a quick shag I probably wouldn't care as much?

Show quote history

It’s possible that if he’d just left after the amazing session, you’d have felt worse.
I think having sex with someone you like is always tricky.
Not to raise your hopes but it’s possible he likes you too.
He might want a fwb with you but it’d be a bad idea because of how you feel about him. Try to think about what you’ll do if he asks.

Guavafish1 · 07/01/2023 10:35

Sounds like you had a good time... but now the party is over.

I think you should celebrate you're weekend experience and try to look at it in a positive light.

HikingforScenery · 07/01/2023 10:36

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 10:31

Yeah probably.

I wish them the best. Hopefully things work out and they do get back together if that's what they both want.

Show quote history

You still need chemistry for the sex to be good, even if he was thinking of his ex.

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 10:46

Before you instigated sex did you genuinely believe you would be ok with a ONS? ONS's are quite difficult to do if you know the person beforehand. Have you never done one before?

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 10:54

I did believe I would be OK with it yeah. Excuse me being vulgar but I just really wanted to shag him. I was thinking about that alot and I thought once I'd done that and got it out my system that would be that.

But we really clicked, the intended quick shag wasn't a quick shag and it seemed like neither of us wanted to leave. It was me who called time on the Sunday evening as I had to be at work early on Monday. He'd have probably stayed another night if I hadnt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 10:57

I've had a ONS before but not with somebody I already knew and would continue to see IRL. We have mutual friends so I'm bound to bump into him. You're right in that knowing the person already makes it trickier.

OP posts:
Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 10:58

Maybe he really likes sex or maybe he really likes you but you've recognised that what he has with his ex has so much more importance to him.
Just one of those things, OP. Your timing wasn't right. I think he was playing with fire to risk having sex with you if he wanted to get back with his ex though.

TellySavalashairbrush · 07/01/2023 11:00

To be honest, he can't be all that lovely given that he emphasises how much he feels for his ex and the strong likelihood they will be back together, but can still spend a whole weekend sleeping with someone else. Wonder if the ex would be quite so keen to return to him if she knew what he had done.

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 11:01

TellySavalashairbrush · 07/01/2023 11:00

To be honest, he can't be all that lovely given that he emphasises how much he feels for his ex and the strong likelihood they will be back together, but can still spend a whole weekend sleeping with someone else. Wonder if the ex would be quite so keen to return to him if she knew what he had done.

I was thinking that!

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 11:02

He can get in touch if he doesn't get back with his "ex".
Men are rarely backward when they want something (or someone).

i wouldn't touch him again until that pans out or you'll get yourself into a very unpleasant situation.

Seems like you miscalculated... Easily done. But the entire weekend thing hasn't helped.

As an aside, I do wonder how he'd feel about this not quite ex who'll he'll be getting back together with when she relocated spending an entire weekend shagging and being romantic with another man.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 11:03

*when she relocates

TrentCrimm · 07/01/2023 11:03

He prolonged it and made the most of it because it was his 'last hurrah' as it were, before he gets back with the ex. I'm sure he does really like you, but ultimately it was still all about him.