Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Clearly 'one night stands' are not for me :(

244 replies

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 09:46

I spent last weekend with a man I liked, initiated by me, and we slept together which I should never have done because I knew he wasn't over his ex and therefore it would never go anywhere.

He was upfront about the likelihood of them getting back together when she came back to this country and didn't want to lead me on and have me think otherwise.

He's not being dishonest, he didn't cheat - I know them both (her to a lesser degree but still enough to know that they had indeed split up and it had been a couple of months)

I'm sure he likes me too, great chemistry etc, albeit nowhere near enough to pursue anything serious as he wants to be with her. Fair enough.

All I've done is make myself like him more. I'm so sad. What a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 15:57

MissTakenForAnother · 07/01/2023 15:45

That's harsh!

It was a bit wasn't it?

I won't go into detail for obvious reasons but there were some 'firsts' for both of us so clearly not recreating the sex he's had before..

OP posts:
ShakespearesBlister · 07/01/2023 16:02

I'm thinking the same thing. She might not want him back when she finds out he wanted her so badly that he was quite happy to shag other people while she was away.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 16:04

If she truly ended the relationship, she's in no position to be getting upset. Presumably she didn't end it saying "but we're staying chaste til I move back".

Herejustforthisone · 07/01/2023 16:44

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 15:57

It was a bit wasn't it?

I won't go into detail for obvious reasons but there were some 'firsts' for both of us so clearly not recreating the sex he's had before..

😬

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 17:01

Herejustforthisone · 07/01/2023 16:44

😬

Haha I can guess what you're thinking but no not that 😂

OP posts:
Katherine1985 · 07/01/2023 18:30

Ell7 · Today 15:28
Katherine1985 · Today 15:26
This thread has just reminded me of an article I read about the neuroscience of ‘bonding’ sex and long term pair bonding behaviours, compared to intense orgasm driven ‘mating’ sex
I don't suppose you have a link to that do you?

Hi I’ve had a look but can’t find it again. It was an interview with Marnia Robinson.

She wrote ‘Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow’

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 19:29

Thanks Katherine I'll have a look too. It sounds really interesting.

OP posts:
PoshHorseyBird · 07/01/2023 19:43

I mean, am I the only one who thinks this man doesn't sound that great?? Yes he was honest and upfront with you but think about it...he told you about his ex and in all likelihood they are getting back together. Then he slept with you for two nights! He's just shown you what sort of man he is, I'd say you dodged a bullet.

DatingDinosaur · 07/01/2023 19:59

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 15:15

I totally understand your confusion as I'm confused too 😄

I think a PP explained it well in that whilst I'm not actively looking for a relationship it stings a bit that the option wasn't there / that he wouldn't want one.

We're a funny species, us humans.

It had been so long since I've had sex or such a connection/spark with somebody i was struck by how intense it was including the build up.

That goes for both of us i think, he said in the lead up he couldn't focus or concentrate on anything else. He was away with the fairies at work. Nervous and excited. Head all in a spin.

Then when I waved him off on the Sunday evening he text me before he'd even got back home saying thank you for a great weekend, he's glad I enjoyed it as he did too - very much.

I maintained the "cool" image I'd crafted and replied with something breezy about how it wasn't a bad result for a 'fuck it moment' which I'd joked about earlier that night, the fuck it moment was me going out on a limb and inviting him round.

He replied saying yeah exactly and then said goodnight.

I think that whilst I knew what I was doing and went into it with my eyes wide open and the expectations laid out in advance but that oxytocin is one hell of a drug.. ugh.

I've name changed before posting this thread and changed a few details so as not to be recognised as believe it or not he reads mumsnet but I've probably said too much now so in the event he does see it and wonder.. hi John.

I really like the wording in your proposed message. I'll definitely keep it in mind.

I’m now wondering if he’s acting blasé because you’re acting blasé..

Given his head was in a spin before the event then you went on to have a mutually amazing weekend of romping, I wonder if after the event he's now regretting being so adamant about him and his ex getting back together.

I hope you manage to have an honest conversation about this with him @Ell7

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 20:27

Fucking hell he's just text me

OP posts:
VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 20:36

I would make very sure you do not become his fwb/defacto gf until his ex gets back.

It would be absolutely shit for you, given how you feel after your first occasion of sleeping with him, if you kept doing it and then got dropped (or even just got the "I'm torn, I'm confused" line after she returned.

Tbh, two months after being dumped, whether it turns out to be permanently or not, he is still very much in recovery mode, in rebound mode etc and needs time to process and recover and see how things pan out; before entering into another relationship. it's been 8 weeks (or less?).
Don't be rebound girl and don't be fwb.

its clear you like him and fancy him but you are not going to do yourself any favours whatsoever if you get involved now. Let it pan out, dont shag him again, don't be one his support human etc.
You might not want to see others but you need to look around and try to date etc.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 20:36

*don't become his support human

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 20:39

(You can be honest about your mistake in thinking you could have no strings sex with him, that you were wrong - and that is the reason you want to take a step back until things pan out for him and his ex/not so ex).

justasking111 · 07/01/2023 20:49

Lovely thread. He seems a lovely guy too. His on off on female not so much. It's weird to say I'm dumping you because I'm away for months on end. Very cold fish.

susihol · 07/01/2023 21:09

What's he said... what's he said????

OddSocksAndHollyhocks · 07/01/2023 21:11

OK we definitely need an update!

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 21:27

Total anti climax unfortunately.

Idiot here got excited and thought oh he must be thinking about me too. He just wanted to confirm I dealt with a condom splitting. Nice.

I obviously did btw. I got the MAP first thing.

I was like wow ok that was an anti climax.

He apologised. I said don't worry about it and reassured him all was dealt with.

He then said he didn't want me to think, that he thought, we just fucked and that was it.

I said well did we not? He said he felt it was slightly more than that.

I was then upfront about the fact I liked him and would like more than just a random shag.

Insert some flattery from him about how great it was, never had anything like that in his life yada yada.

....followed by confirmation he's getting back with the ex but wouldn't rule out a repeat at some point in the distant future.

He tried to soften the blow by saying "if there's anything I can ever do for you let me know"

Me, feeling pretty shit by this point, asked what exactly he was referring to. He said he was just being nice.

I've had that line in the past before when I was being chinned off by somebody else so rolled my eyes at that.

He wanted to ask me one last question, basically confirmation of something that massaged his ego and made him feel good about himself. Apparently I've changed the way he looks at himself in a positive light, which is nice.

I'm sitting in the bathroom having a bit of a cry now, whilst I scrape up what's left of my dignity and use it to compose a text making it clear that I'm out now and will not be making myself available for any further NSA sex.

Gutted. I feel so stupid and mad at myself.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 07/01/2023 21:34

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 21:27

Total anti climax unfortunately.

Idiot here got excited and thought oh he must be thinking about me too. He just wanted to confirm I dealt with a condom splitting. Nice.

I obviously did btw. I got the MAP first thing.

I was like wow ok that was an anti climax.

He apologised. I said don't worry about it and reassured him all was dealt with.

He then said he didn't want me to think, that he thought, we just fucked and that was it.

I said well did we not? He said he felt it was slightly more than that.

I was then upfront about the fact I liked him and would like more than just a random shag.

Insert some flattery from him about how great it was, never had anything like that in his life yada yada.

....followed by confirmation he's getting back with the ex but wouldn't rule out a repeat at some point in the distant future.

He tried to soften the blow by saying "if there's anything I can ever do for you let me know"

Me, feeling pretty shit by this point, asked what exactly he was referring to. He said he was just being nice.

I've had that line in the past before when I was being chinned off by somebody else so rolled my eyes at that.

He wanted to ask me one last question, basically confirmation of something that massaged his ego and made him feel good about himself. Apparently I've changed the way he looks at himself in a positive light, which is nice.

I'm sitting in the bathroom having a bit of a cry now, whilst I scrape up what's left of my dignity and use it to compose a text making it clear that I'm out now and will not be making myself available for any further NSA sex.

Gutted. I feel so stupid and mad at myself.

You should have told him you just had a pregnancy test showing positive, then go no contact with him for a while. Let him suffer in silence.that’s what I would do.

LaLuz7 · 07/01/2023 21:36

Sandra1984 · 07/01/2023 21:34

You should have told him you just had a pregnancy test showing positive, then go no contact with him for a while. Let him suffer in silence.that’s what I would do.

Wow. So spiteful for no good reason.

Awful advice.

icelolly12 · 07/01/2023 21:39

Well he sounds extremely self centred and not at all a nice person. It sounds like he just wants his ego massaging. The best thing you can do, is ignore him from now on..the cheek of him not ruling anything out in the future when he's getting back with his ex! In the future, you'll likely be married and he'll be nothing more than a distant memory.

I think you've had a lucky escape and feel sorry for his girlfriend.

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 21:40

Why on earth did he have to mention how he felt it was slightly more than just sex before shooting me down. It would have been easier had he said "it was just sex to me, sorry"

Why leave somebody with that tiny smidgen of false hope fucking hell.

I can't believe I'm so upset.

OP posts:
Movingonup2023 · 07/01/2023 21:42

Aw man was reading this thread and got to the txt. I was so excited for u, hoping he had read your mumsnet post and … well I had a whole romantic ending written only to get to the details. I’m sorry op BUT you got a chance to be honest and owned it. Have a cry, some chocolate, a glass of wine and move on. Nothing wrong with having feelings or being sad, once it settled you will be proud of yourself for telling him how you felt.

A wee bit of a bitchy aside, his ex will wonder where he got all these new moves and confidence 😂 which would give me a little bit of joy!

icelolly12 · 07/01/2023 21:43

You can do much much better and you deserve to be treated with far more consideration and respect. He can't think much of his girlfriend if he was so happy to have sex with you. He's probably chuffed to bits that he has two women running after him. Have a good cry, dust yourself off and move onwards and upwards.

Notsofestive1 · 07/01/2023 21:44

@Ell7 He was giving you a shit sandwich. I know you seem to think he’s this amazing guy but can you not see now he’s actually not? He’s getting back with his ex but still up for another round with you? Hmmm. So basically he will have NSA with you and drop you as soon as the ex is back. What an offer 🙄

Sandra1984 · 07/01/2023 21:48

LaLuz7 · 07/01/2023 21:36

Wow. So spiteful for no good reason.

Awful advice.

I get spiteful when someone serves me a cold shit sandwich. IThe guy was a bit of a douche and she’s being too nice IMO.