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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Clearly 'one night stands' are not for me :(

244 replies

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 09:46

I spent last weekend with a man I liked, initiated by me, and we slept together which I should never have done because I knew he wasn't over his ex and therefore it would never go anywhere.

He was upfront about the likelihood of them getting back together when she came back to this country and didn't want to lead me on and have me think otherwise.

He's not being dishonest, he didn't cheat - I know them both (her to a lesser degree but still enough to know that they had indeed split up and it had been a couple of months)

I'm sure he likes me too, great chemistry etc, albeit nowhere near enough to pursue anything serious as he wants to be with her. Fair enough.

All I've done is make myself like him more. I'm so sad. What a fucking idiot.

OP posts:

zonky · 09/01/2023 10:06

It's probably hormones and limerance as well not having other emotional commitments like children which allows you to have the headspace to dwell on it. You're also probably heavily invested in the narrative of "spark, connection and happily ever after".

eastbynortheast · 09/01/2023 10:34

Sure does sound like limerence @Ell7 !

This often develops because there is something else missing in your life. I'm not religious but some people say it's due to the lack of a spiritual connection especially where people had a religious upbringing but become atheists later in life.

PotteringPondering · 09/01/2023 11:30

The oxytocin comments on this thread make sense and ring true.

And yet lots of women do have ONS and FWB, apparently without experiencing the intense desire for bonding. What's going on there?

Is it that some women experience the oxytocin hit less than others? That the desire for sex means they live with the oxytocin hit and pay it less attention? That life circumstances (eg 'I genuinely don't want a relationship at the moment') effectively override the oxytocin effect?

Any thoughts, VisaGeezer? Others?

EBearhug · 09/01/2023 15:08

There's the thrill of the chase and the excitement of someone new. I assume that all hitting dopamine and so on. There's a sense of power in turning someone on to the point of orgasm, and a sense of achievement after, even though it's not actually much of a challenge with many men.

Plus it's quite possible to love more than one person. It's why polyamory/ non-monogamy works for some people.

Original poster

Ell7 · 09/01/2023 15:19

Ah yes I am often chasing dopamine. I actually suspect I have ADHD, if I'm not buying shit I don't have room for I'm hyperfixating on whatever new interest comes up.

please god, anything but limerance. Clutching at straws

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/01/2023 16:45

Ell7

limerence 😱

that’s a funny one but honestly I had major limerence for this guy for 6 month
so I ended it as not healthy and went back online asap

I then got major limerence for another man for 12 months which I’ve also just ended

so yeah my heads fried and I am also exploring why as I can’t have this happen again

and yes it’s def worse with ND folks !!!

but I think you had a taste of something nice and it’s kind of natural you feel this way ?

and yes maybe there are some gaps and they need filling

but to spend that much time with someone you like so much , it’s understandable

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/01/2023 16:49

PotteringPondering

i wish I knew women who have casual and no bonding
it would give me Hope !!!

but honestly in terms of women I know in RL and from what I’ve seen on here

we’re very oxy prone

Original poster

Ell7 · 09/01/2023 20:48

Ah it's a bitch isn't it, thisis.

It's happened to me before, just the once. Circumstances not too dissimilar to this except that bloke many years ago wasn't actually getting back with an ex - he was just recently broken up and therefore not looking for anything, period.

I'm flitting between "he's just not that into you" and "but he said it was moooore than just sex"

Fuck sake 🙁

OP posts:

Original poster

Ell7 · 09/01/2023 20:55

Ah it's a bitch isn't it, thisis so sorry you've been there.

It's happened to me before, feeling like this after sex with somebody, just the once.

He was a proper arsehole though so I soon snapped out of that one. He was deffo punching. Came crawling back ofc and was swiftly jogged on.

This one was the opposite. He's really kind. Suggesting that if i ever need his help with anything then to let him know, even if it's (something to do with his job) ...and no that wasnt an implication for sex... unfortunately 😂

I'm flitting between "he's just not that into you" and "but he said it was moooore than just a fuck"

I'm going for a run I think 😐

OP posts:

Original poster

Ell7 · 09/01/2023 20:59

Ah it's a bitch isn't it, thisis so sorry you've been there.

It's happened to me before, feeling like this after sex with somebody, just the once.

He was a proper arsehole though so I soon snapped out of that one. He was deffo punching. Came crawling back ofc and was swiftly jogged on.

I'm flitting between "he's just not that into you" and "but he said it was moooore than just a fuck"

I'm going to the gym I've had it 😂

OP posts:

DatingDinosaur · 09/01/2023 21:00

Shagging someone I don’t fancy? Why the hell would I? Gives me the ick just thinking about it.

Original poster

Ell7 · 09/01/2023 21:05

Bloody hell excuse the triple post, I was getting a cloudfare error thing and kept having to rewrite.

OP posts:

DatingDinosaur · 09/01/2023 21:08

I think it's because you fancy him OP. You was attracted to him beforehand and subconsciously hoped it would turn into more, despite him laying his cards on the table.

How you're feeling now is similar to an actual relationship ending.

Original poster

Ell7 · 09/01/2023 21:26

DatingDinosaur · 09/01/2023 21:08

I think it's because you fancy him OP. You was attracted to him beforehand and subconsciously hoped it would turn into more, despite him laying his cards on the table.

How you're feeling now is similar to an actual relationship ending.

It actually does feel like that, mad hey.

I've split up with actual boyfriends and cared less 😂

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/01/2023 00:06

I still think you have nothing to lose by keeping a low key OLD eye out for someone else x

Original poster

Ell7 · 11/01/2023 10:35

I saw him briefly yesterday which I do think helped me put it back into perspective. I think the 'shine' is staring to wear off now. Thank god for that.

I'm a bit less bothered than yesterday, and yesterday I was a bit less bothered the day before etc.

When the girlfriend comes back I aim to be completely unbothered.

It was fun whilst it lasted. A welcome distraction.

Perhaps not full blown limerence after all.

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/01/2023 10:41

Phew

that oxytocin is powerful stuff 😬

Original poster

Ell7 · 11/01/2023 11:03

Oh wow I just realised something! To the PP who asked me to update when my period starts... My dissipating 'giving of a shit' coincides with my period starting

Those pesky hormones, convincing me he was the love of my life 😂

OP posts:

EBearhug · 11/01/2023 11:28

I always find when the world looks impossibly bleak, it's worth checking when my period is due.

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