Clearly 'one night stands' are not for me :(

[Ell7]

I spent last weekend with a man I liked, initiated by me, and we slept together which I should never have done because I knew he wasn't over his ex and therefore it would never go anywhere.

He was upfront about the likelihood of them getting back together when she came back to this country and didn't want to lead me on and have me think otherwise.

He's not being dishonest, he didn't cheat - I know them both (her to a lesser degree but still enough to know that they had indeed split up and it had been a couple of months)

I'm sure he likes me too, great chemistry etc, albeit nowhere near enough to pursue anything serious as he wants to be with her. Fair enough.

All I've done is make myself like him more. I'm so sad. What a fucking idiot.

I do think it's the hormonal thing as mentioned above.

Although according to the poster who bashed me for seducing him, apparently he'll be hating himself 🙄

As I mentioned at the start of the thread; oxytocin affects women much more from sex then me.

It would make you feel bonded to the person you had sex with and feel bad if there is no sign of a reciprocal bond/no option of having one.

I'm sure there are also social/conditioning reasons too.

I 100% agree with this. And really don't think you should tell him you were just putting on an act. It will seem like you tricked him into a situation that was straightforward when it was more complicated for you, and could make things really weird when you see each other around. Take it for what it was, wait and see how things pan out with his ex...and if you did actually get into his head, you can guarantee he'll be back. Maybe if anything, chuck in a subtle comment at some point about how you're actually not a player so hope that's not the opinion he's now got of you - no need to mention feelings or explain why you presented yourself that way.

I think it’s not usual to have an experience like this. Your other ons is what you might expect. It happened to me - he was very clear he was not looking for a relationship and it was FWB I was not misled. But something similar happened and we ended up as FWB for five years (and our weekends together as you describe all that time) until I finished it last year. In our case I think that his long mainly sexless marriage made him crave intimacy with me as well as sex. Don’t get drawn in!

What a ridiculous, judgemental load of old claptrap

For the moment I'm going to stick with NC for my own sake and theirs and see whether he reaches out again. If he does I'll find out what the deal is with his ex, if they didn't get back together I can then explain that I'm not a player and would hate for him to have that impression etc.

I'm sure he'll be thinking of our weekend to some extent. Sex like that doesn't happen without chemistry, regardless of external complications. If he finds himself single long term I definitely wouldn't kick him out of bed again.

My theory would be that it's much more potentially dire, in evolutionary terms, for a woman to be left pregnant by a man who doesn't stick around and is not bonded to her in any way, than vice versa.
The woman, unless she abandons the baby, cannot escape the ramifications of potential pregnancy, it's in her body. The man, most certainly can.

Therefore women seek a bond with a man they might be pregnant by. She might get help from family, but having a mate & father around is bound to (in most cases) increase her and her child's chances of surviving and thriving.

Men do bond too, but to a lesser extent - from just sex certainly - they are not going to suffer in the same way if they don't seek and cement a bond with the other potential parent.

Also in general I feel like women invest more in sex, which is ultimately about reproduction, because they have so relatively few precious eggs and potential offspring. Pregnancy & labour are arduous and risky, raising a child from newborn is arduous and high investment. Men, in contrast, could potentially father hundreds of children if they had the opportunity and there are no risks involved.

Apparently men have a much larger portion of the brain dedicated to sexual pursuit. I think they're more inclined to make and take sexual opportunities lightly & easily. Whereas, with exceptions of course, many women make of take sexual opportunities due to feelings, due to ultimately wanting the option of that man as a mate.

Btw ovulation and alcohol change women's sexual & mating behaviour.

There's a strong possibility I'll see him in person next week at a mutual friend's landmark birthday. That will be interesting.

Pls report back if you feel differently after time of the month op, to test my theory 😉.

Though time passing could be a factor too.

I think you have the potential to get hurt (worse) here.

You need to be very careful not to get drawn into fwb with him.

This makes perfect sense to me. It also makes me feel less of a twat to be feeling a bit down in the dumps.

My god, reading this thread has taken me back. How old are you, OP? I sort of miss these days. Simpler times. 😆

Though I have to say, while no prude, reading people’s descriptions of sex on here makes me wince.

The sex was out of this world. All weekend. He stroked my hair, stared into my eyes, fell asleep together in an embrace.

My god, reading this thread has taken me back. How old are you, OP? I sort of miss these days. Simpler times. 😆

Fuck, I don't miss guys I've shagged or similar not contacting me and realising they don't want a relationship.

As someone said, even if youre not mad keen on a relationship with them, your ego takes a real knock.

I’m a bit confused having rtft. How have you come across as too cavalier when you really don’t want a long term relationship op? I don’t understand. I absolutely understand that you are not a player but if you are not looking for love then you in effect told him more or less the truth didn’t you?

I get where you are coming from though. Tbh, I really hate this modern etiquette of having to pretend you are blasé about sex when you are not! It’s all about protecting the man’s feelings. But what about yours?

Fwiw, you and your ons bloke sound great together op! I would send him a message saying that you really enjoyed it and that ons’s are not something you usually do. And if he finds himself at some point in the future without an emotional commitment to someone else, then to please get in touch. If you might be open to a relationship with him that is! Or at least open to exploring where one might lead … .

Good luck anyway! 😀

@Ell7 he will be back I'm sure, but hold strong, if he messages you and asks to meet again to recreate this situation, say no, as things stand you will enter a FWB situation as he set the boundary. Say something along the lines of, I had a lot of fun but I don't want to get into a FWB situation.

Then you wait, see how things pan out with his ex, he may reconsider what he wants and you are more likely to have a situation where you have more control over the potential outcome.

and that ons’s are not something you usually do

That's in the top ten comedy cliches cited on a male dominated forum I used to frequent.

Even if it's true, they never believe it.

It's one of the things many of them take the piss out of.

I think, if op really be wants to discuss it with him, she needs to be very honest about what happened and say clearly that she was very disappointed to hear he was planning on getting back with his ex and not available/interested, and that she had a kneejerk reaction that caused her to play blase and cool with it, and totally overcompensate. That she had sex in that frabe of mind but was totally deluding herself and made a big mistake.

That will make him think "oh fuck" and, if he's decent, make him not indulge in any further flirtation, sexual contact or much general contact ..... But at least Syed have told him the truth. and at least she'd have dispelled any false impression that she's up for no strings sex and had no feelings etc.

Absolute solid agreement on everything in here from me. It’s fun to sleep with someone you feel an attraction to if that doesn’t make you sad but something happened in my head when I slept with someone (and crucially, they made me come). I’ve got friends who can do it no bother but not me. Not a psychological expert but I think it’s something to do with my brain chemistry, I am pretty sure I have low serotonin or something. The soppy hormones came rushing in and filled the empty areas and made me feel all the feels even when I wasn’t overly bothered/
realistic about the unlikelihood about a lasting relationship before we slept together. I came to realise my emotions definitely weren’t entirely within my control. Looking back at some of the walking disasters I fell head over heels for I do think man, what was that about?

The best analogy I can think of is you’d be an unusual person to blame yourself for falling downstairs but if you chuck yourself down them you know there’s a good chance you’ll do yourself a mischief, right? So then you feel regret. Eventually I knew I had to avoid those oh-so-tempting situations and didn’t play around with my own mental well-being so much. Or if I did weaken, I knew why it was happening when I got so upset and it wasn’t a tragic loss of all that could have been or whatever.

FWIW I do think some men also react like this, I’ve been on both sides, men you sleep with once who never stop emailing you at New Year for a catch-up🤣

OP I hope you can be kind to yourself, it wasn’t stupid, just totally human. It’d be better if he stopped sleeping with women who he doesn’t want to be with in any meaningful way. A ‘nice’ guy saying ‘I don’t want to hurt you’ reminds me of the line in Bojack Horseman, when you’re wearing rose-tinted glasses, red flags are all just flags. He might very well be a nice man but maybe he needs to stop messing with women who obviously care for him while he’s waiting for his one true love to return. You’re being very charitable, you sound like a lovely person and your opposite number will be out there somewhere.

I 100% agree with this. I had a guy not wanting labels but we acted like a couple and spent lots of time together. Guess who go hurt! Unless they’re all in I am all out.

Exactly!

Wondered when I would see this.

Tbh, if the ex is anything like me, you won't have to wait long.

If I found out I was talking to a significant ex with the aim of reconnecting then he spent all weekend shagging someone else, I'd be done. Obviously didn't care that much. I understand he's single but it's still too much for me.

Was he messaging her when with you, too? Grimy.

It sounds like it meant more than a bog standard one night stand to you both. No most ONS’s don’t last a weekend with you both gazing in each other’s eyes. Sounds like he’s someone who cares deeply about people. My boyfriend is like that, he fell in love really fast and I think the fact that the last few meet ups we have had a lot of sex has bonded us. A lot of great sex too, which I’m sure for us women makes us connect more. I don’t much like ONS’s as I do find sex very bonding and I like staring at my lover’s eyes etc. I had a boyfriend (losely) in my 20’s who never wanted to commit but would spend ages staring into my eyes and I always felt it meant something but I don’t think it did to him. Maybe he always did that!

I totally understand your confusion as I'm confused too 😄

I think a PP explained it well in that whilst I'm not actively looking for a relationship it stings a bit that the option wasn't there / that he wouldn't want one.

We're a funny species, us humans.

It had been so long since I've had sex or such a connection/spark with somebody i was struck by how intense it was including the build up.

That goes for both of us i think, he said in the lead up he couldn't focus or concentrate on anything else. He was away with the fairies at work. Nervous and excited. Head all in a spin.

Then when I waved him off on the Sunday evening he text me before he'd even got back home saying thank you for a great weekend, he's glad I enjoyed it as he did too - very much.

I maintained the "cool" image I'd crafted and replied with something breezy about how it wasn't a bad result for a 'fuck it moment' which I'd joked about earlier that night, the fuck it moment was me going out on a limb and inviting him round.

He replied saying yeah exactly and then said goodnight.

I think that whilst I knew what I was doing and went into it with my eyes wide open and the expectations laid out in advance but that oxytocin is one hell of a drug.. ugh.

I've name changed before posting this thread and changed a few details so as not to be recognised as believe it or not he reads mumsnet but I've probably said too much now so in the event he does see it and wonder.. hi John.

I really like the wording in your proposed message. I'll definitely keep it in mind.

No he wasn't.

This thread has just reminded me of an article I read about the neuroscience of ‘bonding’ sex and long term pair bonding behaviours, compared to intense orgasm driven ‘mating’ sex

I don't suppose you have a link to that do you?

That's harsh!