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Original poster

Clearly 'one night stands' are not for me :(

244 replies

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 09:46

I spent last weekend with a man I liked, initiated by me, and we slept together which I should never have done because I knew he wasn't over his ex and therefore it would never go anywhere.

He was upfront about the likelihood of them getting back together when she came back to this country and didn't want to lead me on and have me think otherwise.

He's not being dishonest, he didn't cheat - I know them both (her to a lesser degree but still enough to know that they had indeed split up and it had been a couple of months)

I'm sure he likes me too, great chemistry etc, albeit nowhere near enough to pursue anything serious as he wants to be with her. Fair enough.

All I've done is make myself like him more. I'm so sad. What a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 13:17

He is a conquest to you but he was in an emotionally vulnerable place. Not cool.

Catch a fucking grip.

He said he didn't want anything with op and is hoping/planning on getting back with his ex.

Op said she was ok with having sex in those circumstances.

He took the opportunity with both hands.... And other parts of his anatomy.

He asked for feedback on his performance and attractiveness. Nice little ego boost.

Ops the one who's realised she was filling herself and is hurting now.

CocoPopoPops · 07/01/2023 13:18

Visa please don't be so disingenuous you are so read up on oxytocin and sexual revolution you must also know the complex feelings exes feel. If I'd been upset and not over my ex then realise while we were separated life went on for him and he was fucking someone else it would put me off getting back with him because it sounds like he had no trouble moving on and replaced me quickly like I meant nothing. I know some may not feel so but most would. People don't want to know their ex was happily shagging away, they want to know that they loyally waited. We aren't talking a break up of several months, Christ they only broke up less than 2 months ago. Whatever, obviously I'm not as 'cool' as you all are with your free casual sex arrangements.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 13:18

*fooling herself.

He is not a victim in any way, he was offered no strings sex and took it happily.

Regardless of whether he would end up getting back with his ex or not

EBearhug · 07/01/2023 13:19

By intimate I mean gazing into one another's eyes, tender kisses, face stroking, going to sleep in an embrace?

My most recent was like that. He likes having some connection, and liked gazing into my eyes and cuddling after. He's very clear he's not up for a relationship. He likes his life as it is, he's got two ex-wives. That's fine, I'm not up for a relationship either. I like my life as it for the most part. I really like sex though, and I can put up with them staring at me in awe and wonder

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 13:20

CocoPopoPops · 07/01/2023 13:18

Visa please don't be so disingenuous you are so read up on oxytocin and sexual revolution you must also know the complex feelings exes feel. If I'd been upset and not over my ex then realise while we were separated life went on for him and he was fucking someone else it would put me off getting back with him because it sounds like he had no trouble moving on and replaced me quickly like I meant nothing. I know some may not feel so but most would. People don't want to know their ex was happily shagging away, they want to know that they loyally waited. We aren't talking a break up of several months, Christ they only broke up less than 2 months ago. Whatever, obviously I'm not as 'cool' as you all are with your free casual sex arrangements.

So ..... It is up to him to decide how his ex would feel if she finds out (and he has zero obligation to tell her if they are truly separated and she ended it) .... And act accordingly.

Him.

Not op.

He is responsible for his relationship.

He didn't have to take anything offered to him.

He chose to.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/01/2023 13:21

You aren't an idiot at all, @Ell7 - please don't be so hard on yourself.

Look at it as a learning experience - you can do differently next time.

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What a load of old rubbish.

No. Alcohol was not involved.

If he wasn't interested he could have said as much and last weekend would never have happened.

He had no idea I thought of him that way. He was glad that I did. We made a mutual decision as adults to spent the night(s) together.

What has he got to hate himself for?

As for seducing him.. do you think men have no agency over what they do with their penis?

OP posts:
VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 13:22

Are you projecting having your partner shagging another woman when you were broken up or something???

If so, that was entirely your partner's choice and responsibility.... Not the woman's.

Nobody put a gun to anyone's head .... Sex was offered, it was taken gladly ... All weekend.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 07/01/2023 13:24

CocoPopoPops · 07/01/2023 13:18

Visa please don't be so disingenuous you are so read up on oxytocin and sexual revolution you must also know the complex feelings exes feel. If I'd been upset and not over my ex then realise while we were separated life went on for him and he was fucking someone else it would put me off getting back with him because it sounds like he had no trouble moving on and replaced me quickly like I meant nothing. I know some may not feel so but most would. People don't want to know their ex was happily shagging away, they want to know that they loyally waited. We aren't talking a break up of several months, Christ they only broke up less than 2 months ago. Whatever, obviously I'm not as 'cool' as you all are with your free casual sex arrangements.

You're quite clearly projecting something from your past onto this situation.

Having casual sex is neither cool nor uncool. It's a personal preference. If you don't like it, don't do it. But you're not special because you don't.

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 13:26

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 13:22

Are you projecting having your partner shagging another woman when you were broken up or something???

If so, that was entirely your partner's choice and responsibility.... Not the woman's.

Nobody put a gun to anyone's head .... Sex was offered, it was taken gladly ... All weekend.

That's what sprung to mind for me too!

That was such a crap analysis and thing to say to somebody who has done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 13:27

I think you're struggling with the fact you weren't honest with him. Do you think it would help you to move on if you were honest with him and told him you were putting on the cavalier act and explain your reasons for doing so? Explain to him that you are telling him this not to try to change his mind but because you owe it to yourself?
Also, you don't really want him thinking of you as a player, I guess?

EBearhug · 07/01/2023 13:29

^do you think men have no agency over what they do with their peni

Some men would find it convenient if we believed that.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 13:30

I'd actually doubt his ex's commitment and enthusiasm ... She ended their relationship, she is staying ended until she relocates (and even then, who knows if they'll definitely get back together).

She was willing to take the risk he wouldn't get back with her. She was willing to take the risk he'd get involved with someone else. She was willing to take the risk he'd, at the very least, date or be intimate with other women while they are broken up ....it's not the behaviour of someone in love, committed, and very keen not to lose someone.
To the contrary it's the behaviour of someone who's willing to take the risk of losing someone.

They broke up with him two or more months ago (?) and how long will it be before she relocates.

Ive known plenty of of people who had long distance relationships due to relocation etc. She doesn't come across as scared to lose him or very committed.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 13:32

*She broke up with him two or more months ago (?) and how long will it be before she relocates.

This is all if he's being totally truthful, of course.

EBearhug · 07/01/2023 13:32

Go back to him, tell you had an awesome weekend, and you'd be up for a repeat if he's interested.

This should at least lead to a conversation about whether the ex is back and whether he's still available or not. He may remain dumped even when she's back.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 13:36

It's also worth pointing out op, that "I'm getting back with my ex, I'm going to get back with my ex" is a line that some men use when they want to get out of situations with women who are interested in them, without rejecting them out right for a relationship (which is hard for many people to do, and can have v unpleasant reactions).

I've seen guys cite doing this on a forum .... Though it was after getting involved with the woman. They said it made it easy to end the relationship without them getting really really hurt and questioning why repeatedly, and trying to persevere.

Not saying he's Def doing that, just that it's not beyond the realm of possibility.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 13:37

EBearhug · 07/01/2023 13:32

Go back to him, tell you had an awesome weekend, and you'd be up for a repeat if he's interested.

This should at least lead to a conversation about whether the ex is back and whether he's still available or not. He may remain dumped even when she's back.

That'll just lead to op being a fwn while he mucks her around for months depending on his ex

She's already hurting. Do you want her messed around and hurt worse.

Katherine1985 · 07/01/2023 13:37

I had to learn the painful lesson that ONS aren’t for me either :(

The beauty of it is there’s really no judgment either way, it’s just something you find out along the way. Sounds like you’re handling it really well OP.

Could more oxytocin make things more confusing after?

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 13:37

*fwb

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 13:38

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 13:27

I think you're struggling with the fact you weren't honest with him. Do you think it would help you to move on if you were honest with him and told him you were putting on the cavalier act and explain your reasons for doing so? Explain to him that you are telling him this not to try to change his mind but because you owe it to yourself?
Also, you don't really want him thinking of you as a player, I guess?

Damn I think you've hit the nail on the head.

Truthfully I was pretty disappointed when he told me about the ex, in order to mask that disappointment I over compensated with the 'I'm so chill, I'm cool with a ONS'

I don't want him to think of me as a player no, and that's probably what he does think.

When we were making arrangements for what was supposed to be the one night thing he was at pains to make it clear its not something he's ever done before, he's not a player etc.

And he isn't. But I look like one. Bloody hell.

I'll give that some serious thought. I really appreciate your POV and advice thank you.

OP posts:
lafado · 07/01/2023 13:38

@Ell7 I don't want to come across as cruel but the stroking of the hair the intimate looking in the eyes, it's making me think that this is a lonely man who misses his ex, that wanted to create the sex he had with this person and you were almost a surrogate. I could be completely wrong and don't want you to feel bad but it seems to have made you think this is more than he said it would be. I am certain he will want to do this again and you need to protect your feelings, unless it's over with the ex and it doesn't sound like it is, you're going to get very hurt if anything more happens.

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 13:38

Him asking if OP still was attracted to him after sex! Doesn't that scream self-esteem issues?

Jamjaris · 07/01/2023 13:41

His ex went travelling, finished with him so she could be free to do what she wanted with other men but it will backfire on her as his mind will keep thinking of your weekend together.

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 13:46

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 13:38

Him asking if OP still was attracted to him after sex! Doesn't that scream self-esteem issues?

Prior to him coming round he was also saying that he's nothing special (in the bedroom department)

He bloody was though. Good lord 😂

OP posts:
Mirroredlove · 07/01/2023 13:48

I wonder if women are somehow programmed to feel bad after one night stands? Why do women feel this way when men don’t…at least not on the same scale anyway.

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