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Original poster

Clearly 'one night stands' are not for me :(

244 replies

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 09:46

I spent last weekend with a man I liked, initiated by me, and we slept together which I should never have done because I knew he wasn't over his ex and therefore it would never go anywhere.

He was upfront about the likelihood of them getting back together when she came back to this country and didn't want to lead me on and have me think otherwise.

He's not being dishonest, he didn't cheat - I know them both (her to a lesser degree but still enough to know that they had indeed split up and it had been a couple of months)

I'm sure he likes me too, great chemistry etc, albeit nowhere near enough to pursue anything serious as he wants to be with her. Fair enough.

All I've done is make myself like him more. I'm so sad. What a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
LoveAHolidayOrTwo · 07/01/2023 11:44

Your feelings will get less as time goes on, don’t beat yourself up, it’s just one of those things.

nc1013 · 07/01/2023 11:46

If I had split up with an ex but we were still chatting and planning to get back together, I certainly wouldn't spend the weekend in bed with another man.

I don't think he's been dishonest to you. However, I also don't believe he's the lovely, honest, innocent man you think he is

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 07/01/2023 11:47

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 11:39

Ah thank you so much, it's good to know others can empathise with the feeling. It is proper shit isn't it?

It helps to hear/know that it's a hormonal thing, and the science behind it. Not just me being a wet flannel.

I hope things work out for them if it's what they both want.

All said and done I had a bloody good time - ill focus on that 😁

Definitely been there myself. And better that it was good because it's awful realising you had a bad time AND terrible sex

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 11:48

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 11:15

Hope it wasn't all in bed - you did eat together I presume?!

This made me chuckle. Yes we ate together on Saturday and Sunday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 11:55

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 11:42

I wonder why she 'dumped' him?

She was going travelling and didn't feel they would be able to sustain the relationship long distance. For some reason, I don't know why, her trip has been cut short and she's coming back after a couple of months rather than 6-12.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/01/2023 12:03

I think sometimes, having a conversation where you're getting to know someone - the same way you would on a date - while you're in bed naked with them and you've just had great sex, can create an illusion of emotional intimacy.

There can also be an element of rejection - even if you don't want the person to become attached, it would be nice to have the option to turn them down! I went through that when my FWB met someone and got serious with them. In reality if he'd professed feelings for me, I'd have turned down anything more, but I was like "Goddam, he caught feelings and they weren't for me?! Rude!"

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 12:13

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/01/2023 12:03

I think sometimes, having a conversation where you're getting to know someone - the same way you would on a date - while you're in bed naked with them and you've just had great sex, can create an illusion of emotional intimacy.

There can also be an element of rejection - even if you don't want the person to become attached, it would be nice to have the option to turn them down! I went through that when my FWB met someone and got serious with them. In reality if he'd professed feelings for me, I'd have turned down anything more, but I was like "Goddam, he caught feelings and they weren't for me?! Rude!"

Oh god this 100 times over!

I don't want or need a serious relationship at this point in my life. I was happily single and planning on staying that way.

The crush came as a bit of a bolt from the blue actually.

I think if there wasn't an ex-come-girlfriend-again on the scene i would have liked a FWB arrangement. I'd definitely like more sex with him but, like you, if he turned up and announced that he's not getting back with her because of me and has strong feelings for me yada yada I'd think he was making a big mistake as great sex aside I can't really offer much in terms of longterm.

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 07/01/2023 12:14

From a biological perspective, you are on to something. Many women struggle with ONS because we produce up to 8 times as much oxytocin after sex than men. We are hardwired to bond.

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 12:22

In your experience, fellow women of mumsnet, is it commonplace for (intended) meaningless sex to be so.. intimate?

By intimate I mean gazing into one another's eyes, tender kisses, face stroking, going to sleep in an embrace?

I think that's at least partly what has caused this headfuckery.

The ONS I've had in the past, admittedly with somebody I don't know already, we're nothing like that.

The last ONS I had, about 7 years ago now, was literally sex then see you later.

As I touched upon up thread he isn't the sort of person to sleep around. He's slept with less people than me and I havent slept with that many. He's quite shy. I wonder if he thought that was just how sex is supposed to be regardless of intentions?

OP posts:
EBearhug · 07/01/2023 12:24

One night stands can be great fun, but they're not for everyone. It is just about the sex, and in middle age, they've usually got more idea of how to do it well. I've had a lifetime's practice of disconnecting from my emotions, which probably helps (thanks Mum,) and I've had some really great one-off sex, some of whom have come back for more, and we ended up friends, but that wasn't the expectation.

But the one that did break my heart was someone I already knew and makes my brain spark as well as my body. He's never offered more than he's given (and he is awesome in bed) but in his case, I started hoping. It's hard, but it does pass with time.

I've had other one nighters/weekenders since, and they've been fine - I don't want anything more there, though I'm pretty sure there must have been good lots of oxytocin produced. We still chat, and there will probably be repeats at some point. But if I start wanting more, that's when it will need to stop.

I also remind myself that my first love, whom I'd have given almost anything to be with at one point, is a an arrogant right-wing bastard now he's in his late 50s. He was probably always that way inclined, I just didn't see it when I was in my teens and twenties. Great sex can blind you to their faults. And there are others out there.

It will pass.

nc1013 · 07/01/2023 12:27

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 12:22

In your experience, fellow women of mumsnet, is it commonplace for (intended) meaningless sex to be so.. intimate?

By intimate I mean gazing into one another's eyes, tender kisses, face stroking, going to sleep in an embrace?

I think that's at least partly what has caused this headfuckery.

The ONS I've had in the past, admittedly with somebody I don't know already, we're nothing like that.

The last ONS I had, about 7 years ago now, was literally sex then see you later.

As I touched upon up thread he isn't the sort of person to sleep around. He's slept with less people than me and I havent slept with that many. He's quite shy. I wonder if he thought that was just how sex is supposed to be regardless of intentions?

Tbh it doesnt sound like a typical one night stand to me and I can see exactly why you're confused

It os possible he does like you both

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 12:29

Years ago I had both sorts of ONS. The more 'romantic' version was with a big rugby type with a very gentle personality. I've also had the mechanical ONS's which most people think of when they imagine it. I think it depends on the guy's personality.

Cyanchicken · 07/01/2023 12:32

Yes - I've had ONS, in fact longer weekend just like yours, where it's been incredibly intimate and really messed with my head.

It has tended to happen where they've been very upfront about not wanting a relationship and then they can relax into the ONS fully safe in the knowledge that they have been honest and upfront.

Sorry this has happened to you but as PP have said chalk it up to experience and do not let anything happen with this man again (unless he is open to a relationship)

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 12:35

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 11:20

Not because he's a man. I would wonder the same if it had been a woman.

Same here.

What a silly post.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 12:38

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 12:22

In your experience, fellow women of mumsnet, is it commonplace for (intended) meaningless sex to be so.. intimate?

By intimate I mean gazing into one another's eyes, tender kisses, face stroking, going to sleep in an embrace?

I think that's at least partly what has caused this headfuckery.

The ONS I've had in the past, admittedly with somebody I don't know already, we're nothing like that.

The last ONS I had, about 7 years ago now, was literally sex then see you later.

As I touched upon up thread he isn't the sort of person to sleep around. He's slept with less people than me and I havent slept with that many. He's quite shy. I wonder if he thought that was just how sex is supposed to be regardless of intentions?

I think it entirely depends on the man and the circumstances.

If he's that type, he'll be le that.

I've seen women on here confused by it being like that but then not wanting a relationship or dumping them shortly after etc.

Ateotd if he was wanting more or very conflicted, he'd be saying so.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 12:42

I mean, he might be a bit conflicted but clearly not enough to speak to you or reconsider his plans.

He's probably got a shit tonne of history with his ex and you say he wasn't the one to end the relationship. He'd clearly attached and invested enough to wait and see if she'll get back with him.

I think your job is to stay well clear in the meantime til it pans out between them. You'll probably have met someone else by the time it does.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 12:43

*I've seen women on here confused by it being like that but then the man not wanting a relationship or dumping them shortly after etc.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 12:45

By intimate I mean gazing into one another's eyes, tender kisses, face stroking, going to sleep in an embrace?

If he's been in a committed, loving, serious relationship and doesn't have much (or any) casual sex, maybe he just really doesn't know how to act any other way. He just defaults to that.

It's also probably just his personality, who his certainly a lot nicer than many men's personalities for a ONS (with porn driven, coercive, objectifying, box ticking, prosdibly aggressive stuff).

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 12:46

*which is certainly a lot nicer than ...

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 12:57

He did say a couple of things that made me wonder whether he felt the same as I did, but nothing about not getting back with his ex - which would have been what I needed to hear if I were to consider seeing him in that way again.

For example he wanted to know whether I was still attracted to him after we had sex.

I'm a bit embarrassed to say this but will do because it's anon but with hindsight I think I came off a bit .. cavalier? Bloke-ish? about sex. On purpose.

For example after he explained the situation with his ex I was so blasé about only wanting to shag him that weekend and said I definitely don't want anything serious anyway.

Which is true.. in a sense.. but I felt like I had to save face and play it down because it took alot to put myself out there like that only for him to (to his credit) be straight with me about what was going on with him.

Then after that weekend it's like ugh. I actually do still like him. Fuck.

OP posts:
Everydaywheniwakeup · 07/01/2023 12:57

I've had very 'romantic' ONS and some that are not. The ones that are more like you describe are usually the ones where it was planned rather than totally spontaneous, eg not just a shag after a night out and a 3am walk home.
I love a ONS - as you say, it is about scratching the itch. However, I think the difference is maybe that you would not be averse to a relationship with someone, whereas I have zero interest in a relationship, so I walk away happily.

CocoPopoPops · 07/01/2023 13:12

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VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 13:13

Yeah it sounds like you over compensated with "I don't want anything, I'm cool with only sex" etc. But those weren't really your true feelings and now you've got a horrendous oxytocin hangover to deal with in top of realising you were filling yourself a bit

If that was your attitude, I doubt many hetero men would turned you down.

He's obviously a little bit insecure to be asking if you still liked/fancied him after sex .... I suppose he's been essentially dumped by his ex and is hanging around waiting for her to relocate and (hopefully, to him anyway) get back with him. It probably acted like a bit of ego bolstering for him, which he wanted to confirm.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 13:15

When his ex returns she'll be upset that he had sex with you.

She shouldn't have dumped him and made him single then.

And you got it right with "he had sex with you". He was a willing, active, lovey dovey participant. This was his decision. And he's the one who says he still wants back with his ex.n

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 07/01/2023 13:16

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What a ridiculous post. He's his own man and perfectly capable of making his own decisions. Evil seductress, indeed!