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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Clearly 'one night stands' are not for me :(

244 replies

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 09:46

I spent last weekend with a man I liked, initiated by me, and we slept together which I should never have done because I knew he wasn't over his ex and therefore it would never go anywhere.

He was upfront about the likelihood of them getting back together when she came back to this country and didn't want to lead me on and have me think otherwise.

He's not being dishonest, he didn't cheat - I know them both (her to a lesser degree but still enough to know that they had indeed split up and it had been a couple of months)

I'm sure he likes me too, great chemistry etc, albeit nowhere near enough to pursue anything serious as he wants to be with her. Fair enough.

All I've done is make myself like him more. I'm so sad. What a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
Squisageandmosh · 08/01/2023 12:12

Ach just read your update op. What a let down (him I mean!)

Just posting to say you are evidently far from stupid so please don’t feel that way about yourself.

To me he sounds like the classic commitment-phobe who focuses on someone who is unavailable…

.. I’m wondering if the travelling gf actually exists tbh … or if she is just a line he spins …

And a cf too given that line about “being open to a repeat in future”

Definitely a red flag there!

Very much his loss op! Onwards and upwards!

VisaGeezer · 08/01/2023 12:17

Not meaning to be offensive but, given he's only been single since November, and presumably you don't see him much because you don't work with him or anything, he's bust in your friendship group,: you seem to have fallen a bit hard and fast. To be so disappointed he says he'll be getting back with his ex and also jumping into sex with him. Especially given how recently he was out of a relationship. You explained why you might have felt & acted this way with great self awareness and articulacy (I'll just make that word up) but it would still be worth making sure you're taking your time and getting to know someone and being measured.

Original poster
Ell7 · 08/01/2023 12:18

Squisageandmosh · 08/01/2023 12:12

Ach just read your update op. What a let down (him I mean!)

Just posting to say you are evidently far from stupid so please don’t feel that way about yourself.

To me he sounds like the classic commitment-phobe who focuses on someone who is unavailable…

.. I’m wondering if the travelling gf actually exists tbh … or if she is just a line he spins …

And a cf too given that line about “being open to a repeat in future”

Definitely a red flag there!

Very much his loss op! Onwards and upwards!

She 100% exists I know that for certain.

Yeah it was a disappointment for sure but still, we move on.

I'm not convinced he actually is open to anything in the future and suspect that might just be another bit of fluff to soften the blow.

Last night I thought he might be doling out 'bread crumbs' in order to keep me on the back burner just incase but I've had a bit of a shift this morning, think he was just trying to let me down gently and not hurt my pride too much.

OP posts:
Schnooze · 08/01/2023 12:20

I think how she fell for him followed a normal pattern and he wasn’t that quick to jump into bed with her either. He sounds a nice guy. In other circumstances it might have worked.

Original poster
Ell7 · 08/01/2023 12:22

VisaGeezer · 08/01/2023 12:17

Not meaning to be offensive but, given he's only been single since November, and presumably you don't see him much because you don't work with him or anything, he's bust in your friendship group,: you seem to have fallen a bit hard and fast. To be so disappointed he says he'll be getting back with his ex and also jumping into sex with him. Especially given how recently he was out of a relationship. You explained why you might have felt & acted this way with great self awareness and articulacy (I'll just make that word up) but it would still be worth making sure you're taking your time and getting to know someone and being measured.

No offence taken at all.

I was also taken aback by how invested I got so quickly.

Initially I thought it was down to this amazing chemistry we had, such a spark, but now I've had time to think about it it's not about him at all and all about me, looking for something/somebody to fill a void and inject some excitement into my otherwise pretty boring life at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ell7 · 08/01/2023 13:00

Schnooze · 08/01/2023 12:20

I think how she fell for him followed a normal pattern and he wasn’t that quick to jump into bed with her either. He sounds a nice guy. In other circumstances it might have worked.

He is, he's lovely.

I think his girlfriend is really lucky.

OP posts:
Notsofestive1 · 08/01/2023 13:23

@Ell7 I wouldn’t say his girlfriend is lucky considering he’s talking about getting back with her yet sleeping with you and also still potentially up for another go in the future!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2023 13:29

Ell7

re 450

i never went though them !! It totally messed up my head as I was deleting swiping it was horrible as felt like a bad human being
deleted the app

i then went on hinge and met a Mr unavailable

can I say that you’ve get your head screwed on

try hinge , keep the profile funny and honest
look for the same it’s what they say , not the photos per se

even the act of filtering people and having a few dates is nice

i met some nice people , and learnt a lot about myself
Just don’t date a mr unavailable for 12 bloody months

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2023 13:30

And I agree his girlfriend is NOT lucky

he’s going to get back with her with another woman on his mind
that’s horrible for her trust me

Original poster
Ell7 · 08/01/2023 13:31

Notsofestive1 · 08/01/2023 13:23

@Ell7 I wouldn’t say his girlfriend is lucky considering he’s talking about getting back with her yet sleeping with you and also still potentially up for another go in the future!

I don't really think he would, not if they're properly together again.

He could have easily had his cake and ate it, so to speak, by making me think there was potential but he's made clear that nothing else would be happening for a long time, if ever.

Even then I think he's just trying to save my pride a further bashing iykwim.

He doesn't want to mess about. He wants his girlfriend.

I've been around the boards for years and the twattish men have no problem taking on an OW.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ell7 · 08/01/2023 13:35

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2023 13:30

And I agree his girlfriend is NOT lucky

he’s going to get back with her with another woman on his mind
that’s horrible for her trust me

🙁

I don't think it has to come out, they weren't together so he doesn't have to tell her anything.

If it was me, I think I'd prefer not to know. I don't think he should mention it. She could have done the same for all he knows.

As far as his heart/mind goes he's definitely all hers.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 08/01/2023 13:45

I totally get why you’re disappointed but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. He was upfront about his feelings for his ex even before the sex. I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong by being with other people while they’re apart either - she dumped him didn’t she? What’s he meant to do, save himself for her even when they’re not together? You can have feelings for someone and still fancy/want to sleep with other people. I think his ex is being entirely unrealistic if she expects him not to be with anyone else while they’re apart.

Schnooze · 08/01/2023 13:47

I think quite a few mumsnetters unfortunately start from the angle that all men are bastards rather than judging a situation fairly. This thread demonstrates that perfectly.

Some men are bastards. Not all are. This one isn’t and even when the op confirms this, some still jump on the bandwagon.

Schnooze · 08/01/2023 13:50

TedMullins · 08/01/2023 13:45

I totally get why you’re disappointed but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. He was upfront about his feelings for his ex even before the sex. I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong by being with other people while they’re apart either - she dumped him didn’t she? What’s he meant to do, save himself for her even when they’re not together? You can have feelings for someone and still fancy/want to sleep with other people. I think his ex is being entirely unrealistic if she expects him not to be with anyone else while they’re apart.

And she finished with him. Presumably so she could be young, free and single whilst on her travels.

Original poster
Ell7 · 08/01/2023 16:00

Yeah he definitely hasn't done anything wrong and he's definitely definitely not a bastard.

It would be nice to know that he did indeed like me too, sex aside, because I did feel a connection and I'm wondering can something like that really be completely one sided? We had so much in common. Even down to the most random things we've both watched. I'm talking really niche stuff that most people wouldn't have heard of unless they had particular interests.

"I wouldn't want you to think we only just fucked or whatever. We had sex, but i think slightly more?"

What is that supposed to mean? Sent to me last night in among the "pie off" 🙈 No chance am I going to ask now, the ship has sailed, but I would like to know.

Just talking shit so as not to hurt my feelings?

I think I'd feel a bit better if it really was a case of a real connection but just the wrong time, as opposed to just a shag because he could iyswim.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2023 16:17

He likes you just fine I’d say !

but he’s presumably heavily invested into this GF

best strategy is to back off and not reply to his sexy messages

he knows you like him and backing off your end shows you have boundaries

he’ll try and come back for seconds

but I assume you’d only want him as a single man ?

Original poster
Ell7 · 08/01/2023 16:30

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2023 16:17

He likes you just fine I’d say !

but he’s presumably heavily invested into this GF

best strategy is to back off and not reply to his sexy messages

he knows you like him and backing off your end shows you have boundaries

he’ll try and come back for seconds

but I assume you’d only want him as a single man ?

Most definitely.

I couldn't never knowingly be an OW.

Could you imagine the head fuck that would cause, I'm not cut out for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ell7 · 08/01/2023 16:54

Could never* that was supposed to say 😐

OP posts:
Yankeescot · 08/01/2023 17:16

I wonder if his GF knows about them getting back together? She broke up with him to go traveling and have life experiences. She may have zero intentions of getting back together with him upon her return. May just be wishful thinking on his part.

That's neither here nor there at this point though as all of his emotions are clearly wrapped up in this girl. Best to draw a line under it and simply move on OP. No need to analyze what he's said as you'll drive yourself crazy, just get chatting to others and see where life takes you.

I certainly don't mean that to sound harsh at all OP. Try giving yourself and your needs the same headspace that you're giving him in trying to analyze the situation. Sex can be pretty powerful for us women, find someone available who wants that connection with you regularly. You deserve that.

fghj149 · 08/01/2023 17:30

I’m sorry OP. It’s got to be the oxytocin as I’ve seen PP have mentioned. Our own biology works against us in a sense. All you can do is move on, you will be fine ❤️

fghj149 · 08/01/2023 17:32

Also can I just add you’re not a fucking idiot, you’re a human being having a normal reaction to being intimate with somebody.

TedMullins · 08/01/2023 17:35

I do think it’s entirely possible he likes you more than just a shag, but is being realistic about the fact he’s still in love with his ex. The two things can be true at the same time

Original poster
Ell7 · 08/01/2023 18:59

Thanks all. You're a very kind bunch of vipers!

I've removed the POF app already. It's just not for me. Gonna ride this one out and let it pass organically me thinks.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2023 22:06

ahhh you deleted the app

you do realise that another hot man might be lurking out there thats you’ve never met ?

I’m not promising a husband , but you enjoyed the physical with this fellow so I hope you can have that again with someone else

anyway you do you x

Original poster
Ell7 · 08/01/2023 23:23

I think that's part of the problem to be honest, I'm not looking for just another man as textbook hot men aren't my type.

If I want anything, it's the sort of spark I got with this one.

That has only ever happened once before in my life, and I've had a few relationships.

I'm actually wondering if it's fucking limerance now you know 🙈

OP posts: