Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Clearly 'one night stands' are not for me :(

244 replies

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 09:46

I spent last weekend with a man I liked, initiated by me, and we slept together which I should never have done because I knew he wasn't over his ex and therefore it would never go anywhere.

He was upfront about the likelihood of them getting back together when she came back to this country and didn't want to lead me on and have me think otherwise.

He's not being dishonest, he didn't cheat - I know them both (her to a lesser degree but still enough to know that they had indeed split up and it had been a couple of months)

I'm sure he likes me too, great chemistry etc, albeit nowhere near enough to pursue anything serious as he wants to be with her. Fair enough.

All I've done is make myself like him more. I'm so sad. What a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 11:05

TellySavalashairbrush · 07/01/2023 11:00

To be honest, he can't be all that lovely given that he emphasises how much he feels for his ex and the strong likelihood they will be back together, but can still spend a whole weekend sleeping with someone else. Wonder if the ex would be quite so keen to return to him if she knew what he had done.

This too.

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 11:05

They split up in November initiated by her, i don't think he ever wanted to split up in the first place.

OP posts:
VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 11:05

I think you're suffering from peak oxytocin op, not pleasant.

VisaGeezer · 07/01/2023 11:07

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 11:05

They split up in November initiated by her, i don't think he ever wanted to split up in the first place.

Well he's certainly not pining in isolation if the opportunity presents itself..

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 11:08

If he was that distraught I would have thought that he wouldn't feel any desire to have sex during that short time period.

DoomedForLoneliness · 07/01/2023 11:09

He wants to be woth someone else.
But still fucked you, perhaps other women?

You knew this.
And still jumped at the chance?
And now are sad?

So strange.

LaLuz7 · 07/01/2023 11:11

Happens to the best of us. Chemistry is a strong drug.

Try to reframe this as an experiment in self discovery. It sucks right now but on the other hand it has left you with better understanding of what your needs and boundaries are and you will be in a much better position to say no to the next one.

For self-preservation, if a relationship is what you are after, I have found that it's a great idea to not engage in any type of sexual intimacy until you have established that you are seeing eachother exclusively and at least 5-6 dates in.

CovertImage · 07/01/2023 11:11

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 11:01

I was thinking that!

Show quote history

And me

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 11:12

DoomedForLoneliness · 07/01/2023 11:09

He wants to be woth someone else.
But still fucked you, perhaps other women?

You knew this.
And still jumped at the chance?
And now are sad?

So strange.

I don't think he's sleeping around with multiple women. He isn't that type. If I hadn't put it on his toes like that he would have never initiated it. It was all lead by me.

I made an error of judgement thinking I'd be fine with it.

OP posts:
Notsofestive1 · 07/01/2023 11:13

For your side of it, at least he was honest with you but for his ex’s part, I also wonder what she would think! If there was talk of getting back together with an ex and I found out he’d had a weekend of sex with someone else, although “technically” he hasn’t cheated, it would very much put me off getting back with him. So whilst he’s been honest with you, I wonder what understanding he has with this ex about seeing other people whilst also having the intention of getting back together with her. So maybe consider that it could be he’s not as great as you think he is, which might also soften the blow for you.

DoomedForLoneliness · 07/01/2023 11:14

Ell7 · 07/01/2023 10:30

So he was supposed to stay over on the Friday night but didn't end up leaving until late Sunday afternoon. The vast majority of that time was spent in bed. Do you think that's part of the problem in that if it was just a quick shag I probably wouldn't care as much?

Show quote history

Just because it was all weekend, like you said, majority of it was in bed. So it was still only about sex.
Nothing more.

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 11:15

Hope it wasn't all in bed - you did eat together I presume?!

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 11:15

DoomedForLoneliness · 07/01/2023 11:14

Just because it was all weekend, like you said, majority of it was in bed. So it was still only about sex.
Nothing more.

Show quote history

Of course, but it's understandable that somebody might leave that weekend feeling differently than they expected surely. In this case me.

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 07/01/2023 11:17

He’s not done anything wrong. Neither have you.

I see some posters scrambling around for a reason he’s done something wrong here but I don’t think there is one.

its sad but I think you’ll have to just store this one as “a great time” and move on.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 07/01/2023 11:19

FloydPepper · 07/01/2023 11:17

He’s not done anything wrong. Neither have you.

I see some posters scrambling around for a reason he’s done something wrong here but I don’t think there is one.

its sad but I think you’ll have to just store this one as “a great time” and move on.

It really is something when you see posters scrambling to make sure he is knocked down a peg or two just because he is a man.

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 11:20

Not because he's a man. I would wonder the same if it had been a woman.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 07/01/2023 11:20

Some of us are just not made for ONS, myself included. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to go through something before reality hits you that isn't as much fun as you imagined it would be. I remember a few events throughout my life where I've ended up feeling icky and weird and have realised I definitely don't want to do anything like that ever again. Better to know what you want now and make decisions for your benefit in the future though, so it's not a complete waste of time.

I agree it's chemical/hormonal. You've been on a rush and now you are experiencing a sort of comedown from that. It'll pass. Just don't let him stay in yo-yo contact because that will only exacerbate this feeling.

Oopsiedaisyy · 07/01/2023 11:21

There's different kinds of ONS, those that are with people you have only just met and its only sexual not emotional, for both.

But as much as you wanted him sexually, this could never be a classic ONS as you already have an emotional connection with him. And as much as you told yourself you knew the situation, many of us secretly hope a night of passion with us will make a man fall in love with us.

It never does though.

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 11:23

I don't think he has done anything wrong either.

It wasn't set in stone that they would be getting back together, that was a conversation that was to be had when they saw one another. Clearly there was still love on both sides but he was very much single after being dumped.

He wasn't going around chasing women, I made the first move as I was interested. When I reached out and made it clear I was interested I didn't actually know he was still in touch with his ex. He was upfront and said he would like to but this was the situation and he doesn't want to mislead me but If I'm ok with just spending the night then he'd like that. I was breezy and said oh that's fine I'm not looking for anything serious.

I don't think I am looking for a full blown relationship at this point in time, definitely not asking him for commitment etc but can see that I underestimated how I'd feel after that time spent with him and I feel a bit shitty for it.

OP posts:
Redorblues · 07/01/2023 11:25

Oh OP I know exactly how you are feeling. I was where you are after a very similar experience a few weeks ago. VisaGeezer is bang on about her explanation around Oxytocin. The sex, coupled with all the gazing and kissing and tenderness...you both would have been enjoying that, but from what I understand it's more of a dopamine high for men, which doesn't have the same bonding affect that oxytocin does.

That feeling of rejection or abandonment is no fun, and the best thing you can do is stop contact altogether for a while, or your brain won't be able to let go. If you stay away and focus on the science, the future, and being nice to yourself I promise you that in a few short weeks you'll be past this miserable feeling.

Another pp had some good advice about seeing this as a bit of self discovery/a social experiment on yourself. No great losses or pain in the grand scheme of things, but boy does it feel really shit right now.

What you need is a big virtual hug from me, some tlc from yourself, and good advice from a few strangers on the internet 🙂
Do you have and irl girlfriends who might understand how you're feeling?

Sending you thoughts of strength and kindness OP x

CrapBucket · 07/01/2023 11:25

I totally get it. Can I suggest you get some more hormones going - honestly I never recommend going for a run but I actually think you probably need to do that?

Oopsiedaisyy · 07/01/2023 11:29

I get the hormonal come down... Even just when my bf goes back to his house after we have a weekend together... I know I'll see him in a few days but there's also the slight blues.... Get busy, get outside, do something for you

FinallyHere · 07/01/2023 11:36

the sexual revolution is a poisoned chalice for women

Now in my sixties, I sooo agree with this.

Do not pursue emotionally unavailable men.

And this. Sigh.

Original poster
Ell7 · 07/01/2023 11:39

Ah thank you so much, it's good to know others can empathise with the feeling. It is proper shit isn't it?

It helps to hear/know that it's a hormonal thing, and the science behind it. Not just me being a wet flannel.

I hope things work out for them if it's what they both want.

All said and done I had a bloody good time - ill focus on that 😁

OP posts:
Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 11:42

I wonder why she 'dumped' him?

Swipe left for the next trending thread