Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Should he be paying for his own meals now

183 replies

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 10:44

My hubby's birthday is coming up and we normally go out for a meal with some family. My stepson is 29 and has worked since leaving school, he's not short of money but extremely tight with it. We don't normally see him, and only heard from him in the past whenever he's wanted something.

My question is: should my stepson be paying for his own meal now if he joins us for his father's birthday meal out?

Last time I invited him to join us for his father's birthday, he didn't want to drive and insisted he wanted picking up as he wanted to have a drink, didn't have a card for his father and caused a massive scene in the restaurant as he refused to pay for his own meal and insisted his father and I should pay for his. It was really awkward and so embarrassing and even the waiter was gobsmacked by his behaviour.

OP posts:

Menomenon · 04/01/2023 10:46

My question is, why are you inviting him? Surely you can go to dinner and he can do something separately with his dad. He’s old enough to organise it.

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 10:46

If I was takin my husband out for a birthday dinner I’d pay all three bills. I can’t Imagine asking one guest. Particularly off spring, to pay their own.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 04/01/2023 10:48

I would probably pay for an adult child’s meal in this situation.

However I wouldn’t expect them to refuse to pay if I asked, or to demand to be picked up.

I guess you set the boudaries you are happy with, and these will be based on all sorts of things, such as your own financial situation.

If you want him to pay for his own meal, then invite and let him know if he comes he’s paying for himself. Then it’s his choice isn’t it.

Claudia84 · 04/01/2023 10:50

Yes I just wouldn't invite him as he can arrange something himself. I agree with you as well, the bill should be split - he's not a child.

Ilovetocrochet · 04/01/2023 10:50

When I invite my adult children and their partners for a meal, I always pay for them, it’s my treat if I plan the meal. My daughters partner felt awkward at first but he’s got used to it now!

I would not expect them to pay for themselves, they are generous in other ways and often bring some food with them for us to share at home.

hattie43 · 04/01/2023 10:50

I would only invite him if he accepts he is paying for his whole meal . If he won't then he doesn't come and can celebrate his dads birthday separately.

Original poster

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 10:50

I should add that this isn't just for the 3 off us, as someone has assumed this. There's going to be other close family there as well.

OP posts:

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 10:51

Also op if you invite someone, using your words, out for dinner, but expect them to pay it is common courtesy to let them know this in advance.

as said, I’d never invite an adult child to a small parents birthday dinner, and then spring it on them they needed to pay. It’s bad mannered. So I don’t think either of you are covering yourself in glory

and for the last time, you must have done it then too, invited him and then at the last min told him to pay for himself . I suspect the waiter wasn’t just gob snacked at him.

Outlookmainlyfair · 04/01/2023 10:52

Two linked but separate issues here, I agree with @Porcinimushroom i would pay for that meal but there is also clearly an issue with his behaviour otherwise. Is there more to this than just paying for this meal?

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 10:52

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 10:50

I should add that this isn't just for the 3 off us, as someone has assumed this. There's going to be other close family there as well.

So who else is paying for their own meals? You’re being very unclear here

happydivorcee · 04/01/2023 10:52

“We don't normally see him”. How lovely.

tribpot · 04/01/2023 10:53

I met my parents for a Starbucks yesterday (at a truck stop off the M1, we know how to live) and they paid for all of us. It's just what you do for your kids, isn't it?

Original poster

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 10:53

Also the other close family have never had an issue with paying for their own meals, we always pay for our own meals whenever we go out for their birthdays too.

OP posts:

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 10:54

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 10:53

Also the other close family have never had an issue with paying for their own meals, we always pay for our own meals whenever we go out for their birthdays too.

Sigh, then when you invite him say we would love to have you but we will be splitting the bill and everyone paying their own.

as said, who else is attending and paying their own?

Marblessolveeverything · 04/01/2023 10:56

It is hard to respond as we need to know how was invite worded.

If you want people to pay, except birthday person then you need to spell this out. Otherwise there may be a reasonable expectation to have the bill covered.

The lift issue needs context is it the way it has always been But no one should be ambushed at payment time and everyone should be mannerly and respectful.

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2023 10:57

he didn't want to drive and insisted he wanted picking up as he wanted to have a drink, didn't have a card for his father and caused a massive scene in the restaurant as he refused to pay for his own meal and insisted his father and I should pay for his.

There's no right or wrong on whether parents should treat their adult children if they are grateful and gracious, but anyone that behaves like this should not be having anything bought for them.

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 10:58

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2023 10:57

There's no right or wrong on whether parents should treat their adult children if they are grateful and gracious, but anyone that behaves like this should not be having anything bought for them.

No one causes a massive scene on their own. Clearly there was another party engaging in said scene.

Original poster

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 11:00

Again someone has assumed he is not made aware when invited that he is expected to pay for his own meal now he's older and working. This was made clear to him last time he was invited but he still refused to do so at the restaurant, although the other stepson had no issues with paying for his own meal and told him he should be paying for his own meal too.

OP posts:

AnotherDelphinium · 04/01/2023 11:00

When we do family birthday meals it’s normally 6-10 people, and each couple pays for themselves and covers the birthday couple’s share too, so I’d be a bit surprised at a solvent 29 year old coming along and expecting mum and dad to cover him.

From the sounds of it, your arrangement has always been similar, and he’s basically coming along for a free meal and has caused a scene when it’s turned out he’s not on the gravy train.

On previous occasions we’d have covered someone who was out of work or said they couldn’t come through financial reasons, but we’d have offered prior, they wouldn’t have just expected it when the bill arrived.

NewIdeasToday · 04/01/2023 11:00

How inhospitable. I’d never invite my adult kids to a family dinner and then expect them to pay for their own individual meals.

Edinburghmusing · 04/01/2023 11:00

Why don’t you see him more?

insuspect your husband was a bad father and this is about a lot more than just paying for a meal

Pixiedust1234 · 04/01/2023 11:01

Invite him but be absolutely clear whether you will be paying for his meal/drinks or not at the time of invitation. Also explain he needs to get there and home by himself. Give him a couple of days to think about it, then ask if he's coming as you need numbers for table booking.

Usually if you invite someone to something then you pay, unless you say otherwise at the time of invitation, eg bring a bottle to party, or nibbles.

NeverGonnaNot · 04/01/2023 11:01

I would pay for him in that instance. Definitely sort it out before you go.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/01/2023 11:05

Ahhhh the dripfeed. Your last past should have been in the main post.

If he knew he was paying prior to eating the meal and then refused after eating it then I would not invite him. Dad and sin can have their own private bonding/get together on a different date.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 04/01/2023 11:06

I wouldn't pay for him.

I'm 2 years older than him and pay my own way with my parents/family. Sounds very childish.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8