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Original poster

Should he be paying for his own meals now

183 replies

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 10:44

My hubby's birthday is coming up and we normally go out for a meal with some family. My stepson is 29 and has worked since leaving school, he's not short of money but extremely tight with it. We don't normally see him, and only heard from him in the past whenever he's wanted something.

My question is: should my stepson be paying for his own meal now if he joins us for his father's birthday meal out?

Last time I invited him to join us for his father's birthday, he didn't want to drive and insisted he wanted picking up as he wanted to have a drink, didn't have a card for his father and caused a massive scene in the restaurant as he refused to pay for his own meal and insisted his father and I should pay for his. It was really awkward and so embarrassing and even the waiter was gobsmacked by his behaviour.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 04/01/2023 18:30

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 11:00

Again someone has assumed he is not made aware when invited that he is expected to pay for his own meal now he's older and working. This was made clear to him last time he was invited but he still refused to do so at the restaurant, although the other stepson had no issues with paying for his own meal and told him he should be paying for his own meal too.

Why has he been invited then?

If you must invite him, tell him he will be paying. If he makes a scene again let him. Do not pay.

Then don't invite him again.

topcat2014 · 04/01/2023 18:32

I will pay for my DDs meals out until the day I die. I can't really get the thinking on this thread.

I'm assuming the elders are relatively solvent of course.

pinneddownbytabbies · 04/01/2023 18:32

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 18:22

Sounds like a step mother driving a wedge between father and bio child. Then coming on mumsnet for validation.

Sounds like a grown man having a strop and still trying to sponge off his dad more like.

LoveAHolidayOrTwo · 04/01/2023 18:33

I still treat my DS to meals out, he’s 34.

SingleSnickers · 04/01/2023 18:38

At age of 28/29 I would be offering to contribute

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 18:44

Funny how the stepmother expects the old man to pay for her meal but throws a hissy fit at him getting his own son's dinner.

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2023 18:46

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 18:44

Funny how the stepmother expects the old man to pay for her meal but throws a hissy fit at him getting his own son's dinner.

What a ridiculously biased interpretation of the OP. There's only one person who evidently threw a hissy fit and it wasn't OP.

SagittariusDwarf · 04/01/2023 18:51

ChatterMonkey · 04/01/2023 12:16

When i go out for a meal with my parents, they always pay. Maybe its wrong but it would never occur to me to offer to pay my share, and they would refuse and probably be insulted if I offered. Im 32.

What does your dp think about it?

Why doesn't it occur to you to offer? You're not a child.

PeekAtYou · 04/01/2023 18:52

His other son pays his share without any drama.

5128gap · 04/01/2023 18:54

topcat2014 · 04/01/2023 18:32

I will pay for my DDs meals out until the day I die. I can't really get the thinking on this thread.

I'm assuming the elders are relatively solvent of course.

Well good for you. Personally I can't get over the thinking of any adult child who'd let you.
Surely there will come a time when your DD might like to treat you? I certainly did with my mum. It's not about solvency it's about being a grown up.

Citycentre3 · 04/01/2023 18:58

I think for special occasions, ie birthdays etc no he shouldn't have to pay. Honestly if he was your biological son this would be a non issue, which is why there is often tension within step families. He is probably bitter that his Dad spends more on a new relationship than he did/done on him, which is so often the case, so grudging him a treat now and then is a bit mean, you have probably had the better end of the deal in the long run.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/01/2023 19:00

@ChatterMonkey

why on earth wouldn’t you offer to pay?

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/01/2023 19:01

All these people saying they wouldn’t dream of having their offspring pay!!

why not?!

if they’re on good money and adults - why not let them treat you?!

Shinyandnew1 · 04/01/2023 19:01

His behaviour sounds horrible!

I would invite him but say that he’s welcome but people will be paying for themselves so he obviously can opt out of coming if he doesn’t want to pay.

How does your husband feel about picking up up, not getting a card and him having a strip about not wanting to pay? Would he just rather his son was there and would happily pay for him?

When we go out of dinner for extended family birthdays-we all pay our own way (apart from students) and everyone knows to expect that. If it’s just ‘my’ family (ie me/DH and our kids:their partners) then we would pay.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 04/01/2023 19:02

Well that occasion you described sounds awkward. I would suggest next time you invite him you can tell himnits everyone paying for themselves. I think it depends though, if it was your child would you feel the same? I also find it weird when families are tight with money with each other, in my family we argue about who is paying as in my parents, siblings, cousins and myslef want to pay the bill for everyone (depending on the cost of course). Although I can understand if he always wants his meal to be paid for but never treats anyone else. I guess at the end of the day it's up to DH as it's his son

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 19:04

"There's only one person who evidently threw a hissy fit and it wasn't OP."

Where you there @aSofaNearYou ?

It is in the stepmothers interests to make the original woman's children look bad.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/01/2023 19:05

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 19:04

"There's only one person who evidently threw a hissy fit and it wasn't OP."

Where you there @aSofaNearYou ?

It is in the stepmothers interests to make the original woman's children look bad.

@PeaceLillyWhiteFlower

“It is in the stepmothers interests to make the original woman's children look bad.”

have you been drinking??

Judgyjudgy · 04/01/2023 19:09

Citycentre3 · 04/01/2023 18:58

I think for special occasions, ie birthdays etc no he shouldn't have to pay. Honestly if he was your biological son this would be a non issue, which is why there is often tension within step families. He is probably bitter that his Dad spends more on a new relationship than he did/done on him, which is so often the case, so grudging him a treat now and then is a bit mean, you have probably had the better end of the deal in the long run.

I agree, I think it wouldn't be an issue if it were your son

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2023 19:10

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 19:04

"There's only one person who evidently threw a hissy fit and it wasn't OP."

Where you there @aSofaNearYou ?

It is in the stepmothers interests to make the original woman's children look bad.

Sorry I can't get past "the original woman" 😂

Yesthatismychildsigh · 04/01/2023 19:13

You don’t invite someone to a meal you’re arranging then ask them after the meal to pay for their own!

Fireflygal · 04/01/2023 19:15

Op, can you explain further?

How many went for a meal? When the bill came did you split it per person?

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 19:17

5128gap · 04/01/2023 18:28

Good luck to her. A 29 year old man too tight to buy a birthday card for his dad and who expects his meals paid for like a child probably needs to be prised away from the parental wallet.

Show quote history

Yeah, the stepmother needs to get her hands on that wallet doesn't she?

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 04/01/2023 19:18

God don't ask him what a twat

5128gap · 04/01/2023 19:19

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2023 19:10

Sorry I can't get past "the original woman" 😂

Show quote history

That's Eve isn't it? 😂

lamaze1 · 04/01/2023 19:21

Generally I can see it both ways. I'm in my 40s my parents always try to pay and get VERY annoyed if I pay. That of course doesn't stop me from intercepting the bill / having a quiet word with the waiter early in the evening.

However, as the position (son informed he ought to pay) has been made clear and others are also paying for themselves then yes he should be paying for himself. Even more so because of his poor behaviour (no card and making a scene).

If you really do have to invite him you could consider:

  1. ask for a decent amount of money up front; or
  2. If he declined, tap water and food only which can be his birthday/Christmas present (you don't need to tell him this) at the meal.
I'm sure others may have other ideas!