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Original poster

Should he be paying for his own meals now

183 replies

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 10:44

My hubby's birthday is coming up and we normally go out for a meal with some family. My stepson is 29 and has worked since leaving school, he's not short of money but extremely tight with it. We don't normally see him, and only heard from him in the past whenever he's wanted something.

My question is: should my stepson be paying for his own meal now if he joins us for his father's birthday meal out?

Last time I invited him to join us for his father's birthday, he didn't want to drive and insisted he wanted picking up as he wanted to have a drink, didn't have a card for his father and caused a massive scene in the restaurant as he refused to pay for his own meal and insisted his father and I should pay for his. It was really awkward and so embarrassing and even the waiter was gobsmacked by his behaviour.

OP posts:
LumpyandBumps · 05/01/2023 11:04

I think the OP is getting an unnecessarily hard time here.
Reading her posts it isn’t that she has come into the step son’s life as some random when he was already an adult. She has been stepmother to him and his brother ( who is neither OP or husband’s bio child?) since the brother was one year old.
Are step parents that despised that after looking after ‘children’ for most of their life they still can’t say a word against the poor behaviour of a 29 YO man?
If I eat out with my adult children I will normally pay for everyone, but if they are taking me out for my Birthday or Mother’s Day they choose to pay. They never expect me to pay, and certainly wouldn’t expect to be ferried to and from so that they could rack up an expensive alcohol bill for someone else to pay.

SBHon · 05/01/2023 11:08

We don't normally see him, and only heard from him in the past whenever he's wanted something.
It hurts my husband that they don't even get him a card or wish him happy birthday or fathers day etc.
It sounds like there’s a lot more to this and that they don’t have a good relationship. If your DH wants it to be better he needs to realise it’s not magically going to heal itself.

Stomacharmeleon · 05/01/2023 11:09

The last time we went out as a big family everyone left and left us with the bill- there are six children included and all bar one was working (other student)
DP after paying the bill said it wasn't happening again and has stuck to it.
It was the lack of offer, the expectation which hurt him. No one can offered to pay the tip.
So we now go by ourselves :)
If his sons cannot be bothered to buy a card/ acknowledge his birthday I would be saying we are going out on our own.
And leave it there.

Mon33xx · 05/01/2023 11:09

Wow I am totally gobsmacked at these replies.

I'm 31 and for my mum or dad's birthday, I would arrange the meal myself and treat them on the day. Just like they do my birthday.

I couldn't imagine my mum or dad telling me when THEIR birthday meal is and then I go along and don't even offer to pay my own meal, let alone theirs too!

Sounds like everyone is raising entitled brats to be honest...

Beautiful3 · 05/01/2023 11:11

Next time don't pick him up, he can drive and avoid the alcohol. Tell him beforehand, if you would like to come, you'll have to pay for your own meal.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/01/2023 11:59

Mon33xx · 05/01/2023 11:09

Wow I am totally gobsmacked at these replies.

I'm 31 and for my mum or dad's birthday, I would arrange the meal myself and treat them on the day. Just like they do my birthday.

I couldn't imagine my mum or dad telling me when THEIR birthday meal is and then I go along and don't even offer to pay my own meal, let alone theirs too!

Sounds like everyone is raising entitled brats to be honest...

This!

surely people would pay on their parents birthday?! Why would their parents pay for them - it’s not their birthday!!

5128gap · 05/01/2023 14:10

Whichwhatnow · 05/01/2023 10:54

Well this has been a bit of an eye opener! Maybe it's a difference in backgrounds but I cannot think of anyone in my social circle who would (a) expect to pay for every person they invite to a meal, or (b) automatically assume parents will pay for adult kids forever... I mean it's obviously fine if that's how you want to do it, but I can't understand the level of shock and horror from some people that not everyone follows these 'rules' 😳. If I only attended birthday meals/events if I was being paid for and only ever ate out with my parents if they covered the cost, I would be living a very sad and lonely existence!

As for the 'evil step parent' comments... I honestly have no words.

Same. In my family birthday meals usually consist of 20 or so of us. There is never an expectation the birthday person pays. We go to celebrate with them, not to be treated. If anyone gets treated its the birthday person with everyone chipping in.
Also shocked at paying for adult children for ever. There is no way I'd have let my parents pay for me all the time, and my DC wouldn't allow me to either. While I appreciate its generous of the parent, its seems pretty grabby on the part of the 'child'.
You also get situations like the OP, where the only reason the child is bothering is if it's paid for. You shouldn't need to throw in a free dinner for someone to want to eat with you on your birthday.

5128gap · 05/01/2023 14:12

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/01/2023 11:59

This!

surely people would pay on their parents birthday?! Why would their parents pay for them - it’s not their birthday!!

Show quote history

Sadly, like when going on holiday with their adult children, for some parents paying is the only way of getting their 'child' to attend.

NImumconfused · 05/01/2023 14:27

I think it's not unexpected for parents to pay for their children's meals when they're just starting out in their careers - at that stage the children's earnings are probably relatively low and their outgoings high, whereas the parents maybe mortgage free and at the peak of their earning power. But I can't see the logic in expecting this to continue forever - by the time they're pushing 30 their parents may very well be reaching retirement and the income situation reversed. Why wouldn't you want to pay your own way at that point, or indeed start treating your parents sometimes?

maddy68 · 05/01/2023 14:50

I still pay for my adults kids when they join is for a meal. Mum parents pay for ours too when we join them. They enjoy it. I guess if it's what you've always done it's a habit.

You don't have to. Just make the expectation clear before you go

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 05/01/2023 14:57

I agree with others that so long as he knows he's expected to pay yes he should pay.

Regarding the lift - tell him he's a grown man and to order himself a cab.

Liorae · 05/01/2023 16:42

Miss03852 · 04/01/2023 23:44

Most parents want to treat their kids and most of the time earn much more than them, as earnings increase over time. I wouldn’t go for a meal with my parents unless they paid as I never waste money on eating out as it’s too expensive for me. Just because you have parents that don’t pay for you don’t put that on everyone else and act like it’s the norm (it isn’t).

Show quote history

Outside of your middle class bubble most parents don't earn more than their working adults offspring and never will. The immigrants, the working class who had to leave school as soon as legal to work and contribute to the family income. The parents who worked all the hours God gave them so their kids could get an education. The mothers who worked in the evenings cleaning offices when their husbands came home from their work. The single parents just about managing to get by. The parents who made huge sacrifices that allowed their kids to have well paid careers.
So here's to the parents outside your bubble. Long may we pay for the meals out, the holidays and all the other little luxuries they sacrificed during our childhoods. They deserve it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/01/2023 16:52

Liorae · 05/01/2023 16:42

Outside of your middle class bubble most parents don't earn more than their working adults offspring and never will. The immigrants, the working class who had to leave school as soon as legal to work and contribute to the family income. The parents who worked all the hours God gave them so their kids could get an education. The mothers who worked in the evenings cleaning offices when their husbands came home from their work. The single parents just about managing to get by. The parents who made huge sacrifices that allowed their kids to have well paid careers.
So here's to the parents outside your bubble. Long may we pay for the meals out, the holidays and all the other little luxuries they sacrificed during our childhoods. They deserve it.

Show quote history

Fab post

DeadbeatYoda · 05/01/2023 18:39

I have never expected my parents or my in-laws to pay for us at a family get-together meal. On the odd occasion they have done so at their insistence but I'm shocked to hear grown adults expect this of their parents. Pathetic and entitled.

DeadbeatYoda · 05/01/2023 18:43

For the people that are asserting that op must not like the adult child or are 'inhospitable', clearly you fail to understand that not everyone can afford to pay for sponging adult children. I would be ashamed to expect my mum or in-laws to pay for me. I'm an adult. No wonder so many millennials get such a bad press if their parents have brought them up to be so entitled.

jannier · 05/01/2023 18:45

Whichwhatnow · 05/01/2023 10:54

Well this has been a bit of an eye opener! Maybe it's a difference in backgrounds but I cannot think of anyone in my social circle who would (a) expect to pay for every person they invite to a meal, or (b) automatically assume parents will pay for adult kids forever... I mean it's obviously fine if that's how you want to do it, but I can't understand the level of shock and horror from some people that not everyone follows these 'rules' 😳. If I only attended birthday meals/events if I was being paid for and only ever ate out with my parents if they covered the cost, I would be living a very sad and lonely existence!

As for the 'evil step parent' comments... I honestly have no words.

Agree basically those who wouldn't go if they had to pay are users only going for a free meal not to be with the people they are eating with. It's awful

DeadbeatYoda · 05/01/2023 18:53

@Liorae
'outside of your middle class bubble...'
This in spades!

MissTikMeg · 05/01/2023 18:55

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 23:43

Miss03852 have you tried counselling, it may help you!

Ha ha!

jannier · 05/01/2023 18:55

Miss03852 · 04/01/2023 23:44

Most parents want to treat their kids and most of the time earn much more than them, as earnings increase over time. I wouldn’t go for a meal with my parents unless they paid as I never waste money on eating out as it’s too expensive for me. Just because you have parents that don’t pay for you don’t put that on everyone else and act like it’s the norm (it isn’t).

Show quote history

Most parents in my experience don't earn more than their adult children they just don't waste money on new phones, new clothes, nails etc ....I'd be ashamed to let my parents pay for me like a little girl. If I couldn't afford it I'd either just order something small, join them for a drink or suggest another date like a picnic or night in with a take away

Ragwort · 05/01/2023 18:56

But some DPs clearly do have more income than their adult DC, as I commented earlier ... my elderly DM is very well off (and yes she gives lots away to charity etc etc) . She enjoys eating out in expensive restaurants and she enjoys treating her family ... should we refuse to go out to eat with her due to misplaced pride or insist that we take her to 'budget' places? Of course I would not accept a meal from her if she was struggling but this is absolutely not the case.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/01/2023 18:57

Let him sort his own meal or drink out with his Dad. Stop inviting him.

DeadbeatYoda · 05/01/2023 18:57

Mumoffairy · 05/01/2023 10:41

Im mid thirties and have never paid when eating with my parents. They invite my husband and my kids too. DHs parents also pay for us all when we eat out with them. Every once in a while I would sneakily pay before my parents get the chance and invite them to say thanks but they probably pay for about 9/10 meals.

😳 'invite them to say thank you?'
Wow!

Ragwort · 05/01/2023 19:02

jannier but what if your DPs want to treat you? I am meeting my DM for lunch tomorrow, I suggested a modestly priced restaurant but she said 'no, she would rather go to X very expensive restaurant and she is looking forward to it'. Should I refuse to go.. or suggest a picnic in January?

Stomacharmeleon · 05/01/2023 22:30

It's nice to be treated.
It just shouldn't be expected or taken for granted.
'Invite them to say thank you' just made me laugh.... Jeez

Mari9999 · 05/01/2023 23:43

I guess the point is that there are various ways of handling invitations. Families handle it in ways that are most comfortable for them.

There is no reason to think that any one way is more appropriate than the other. Families have traditions that they follow within their own comfort zones and financial resources.