Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should he be paying for his own meals now

183 replies

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 10:44

My hubby's birthday is coming up and we normally go out for a meal with some family. My stepson is 29 and has worked since leaving school, he's not short of money but extremely tight with it. We don't normally see him, and only heard from him in the past whenever he's wanted something.

My question is: should my stepson be paying for his own meal now if he joins us for his father's birthday meal out?

Last time I invited him to join us for his father's birthday, he didn't want to drive and insisted he wanted picking up as he wanted to have a drink, didn't have a card for his father and caused a massive scene in the restaurant as he refused to pay for his own meal and insisted his father and I should pay for his. It was really awkward and so embarrassing and even the waiter was gobsmacked by his behaviour.

OP posts:
5128gap · 04/01/2023 19:22

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 19:17

Yeah, the stepmother needs to get her hands on that wallet doesn't she?

Show quote history

Well she is his wife, so probably shares his wealth anyway.
Sorry Cinders, but that's life!

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 19:29

5128gap · 04/01/2023 19:22

Well she is his wife, so probably shares his wealth anyway.
Sorry Cinders, but that's life!

Show quote history

Absolutely. Grasping second wives clearing out their step children's inheritance. This one can't even spare a few quid for a meal out.

TrentCrimm · 04/01/2023 19:30

There's some seriously weird projecting going on in this thread...

Tontostitis · 04/01/2023 19:31

Aah I see your mistake you used the step child title which to a very weird but extremely vocal subset of MN means you are automatically wrong, unfairly persecuting the poor lamb whose father you undoubtedly stole. You have set off the Wronged Mothers of MN Claxon who will defend their poor beleaguered offspring against any attackers real or imagined.

rookiemere · 04/01/2023 19:31

My DPs always paid when we went out - said they wanted to. We have treated them in other ways, and ironically now DM still refuses to leave the house because of covid we pay for the takeaways from the carvery as they can't order on the app.

It depends also on everyone's financial status, but generally in the scenario you describe the DF would pay.

What does DF want to do ? It's his DS and if he wants to pay for his meal to have him there, then providing its financially doable, that's what should happen.

Oher · 04/01/2023 19:33

When I go out with my parents we argue about who should pay.

I try to pay for everyone, but so do they. It’s become something of a game with people sometimes sneaking off ‘to the loo’ then finding a waiter to pay before the rest of the group realise.

Sounds like you need to sort out your family dynamic, but yes in my circles its unusual to invite a family member to a meal and not offer to pay.

Silvers11 · 04/01/2023 19:55

Why are you asking him then? First thing that comes to mind here. Why are you even Thinking about it? You'll only have a rerun of the last time.

Nothing wrong with having a family, celebratory meal and everyone paying for their own. Some folks do and some don't - as long as everyone knows what to expect before they say they are coming to the meal, it's absolutely fine.

Undertheoldlindentree · 04/01/2023 20:03

I would pay for him. He must feel very out of the family, asked to pay for himself on his Dad's birthday. Some of of his past behaviour doesn't sound great but you sound as if you don't like him much. Could that be why he doesn't visit regularly?

Undertheoldlindentree · 04/01/2023 20:06

Sorry to sound harsh, but just trying to look at his perspective.

Tron80 · 04/01/2023 20:19

"How inhospitable. I’d never invite my adult kids to a family dinner and then expect them to pay for their own individual meals".

⬆️ This! Your husbands ( grown up but still) child , for goodness sake. Sad state of affairs if you cannot treat your own child, however old he is.

"We don't normally see him, and only heard from him in the past whenever he's wanted something".

Why's he done that then?

fastandthecurious1 · 04/01/2023 20:26

Even up till my mid 30s if I was invited out to dinner with my mum or dad they kindly paid for me. If it was there birthday or something for them then I paid

Tron80 · 04/01/2023 20:29

I've always paid for my father or mother's meals on their birthdays. As a grown adult, it's a nice thing to do and a treat for them! Although they never expect it or take it for granted either and yes I've always paid for mine too when invited to family meals out, since leaving education and becoming a working adult".

Are you a parent Op?

I am both parent and daughter. I have paid for my parents, i have paid for my grown up sons. Not ever felt it necessary to question or challenge this.

Selttan · 04/01/2023 20:37

As long as he's aware I think he should definitely pay for himself - while it's nice if parents pick up the tab it should never be expected.

I wish my parents would let me pay for them or at least myself when we go out for a meal. They even insist on reimbursing me if I bring them an item that costs a few $ from the shops.

RandomPerson42 · 04/01/2023 20:55

OP, if your descrption is accurate, (and I don’t doubt that it is), then I wouldn’t be inviting him a second time after your previous experience.

Liorae · 04/01/2023 21:00

NewIdeasToday · 04/01/2023 11:00

How inhospitable. I’d never invite my adult kids to a family dinner and then expect them to pay for their own individual meals.

When your adult kids invite you for a meal do they pay for you?

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 21:14

RandomPerson42 · 04/01/2023 20:55

OP, if your descrption is accurate, (and I don’t doubt that it is), then I wouldn’t be inviting him a second time after your previous experience.

Quite right. Cut that pesky bio child out his father's life.

Where is the father in all this?

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 21:15

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 13:40

Porcinimushroom I've always paid for my father or mother's meals on their birthdays. As a grown adult, it's a nice thing to do and a treat for them! Although they never expect it or take it for granted either and yes I've always paid for mine too when invited to family meals out, since leaving education and becoming a working adult.

I think this is where we differ , I’d simply never let my adult child pay , not as long as I can afford it. I do not need a “treat” of them paying for me . However if you were taking the parent out, I guess I understand it, again it’s not my way though.

for the poster saying don’t invite him again, I really think this needs to be your husbands decision. It’s his son.

Begoniasforever · 04/01/2023 21:15

RandomPerson42 · 04/01/2023 20:55

OP, if your descrption is accurate, (and I don’t doubt that it is), then I wouldn’t be inviting him a second time after your previous experience.

Don’t you think his father has a say in this as it’s his kid and his birthday?

MotherofDogs3 · 04/01/2023 21:17

Only on mumsnet would it be a crime to make your adult child pay for their own meal 🙄

Im 30 and would never expect my parents to pay for me when we go out for dinner regardless of who invited who! Some people have large families and they have families themselves. Not everyone is loaded and has money to pay for 10+ people to have dinner.

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 21:19

MotherofDogs3 · 04/01/2023 21:17

Only on mumsnet would it be a crime to make your adult child pay for their own meal 🙄

Im 30 and would never expect my parents to pay for me when we go out for dinner regardless of who invited who! Some people have large families and they have families themselves. Not everyone is loaded and has money to pay for 10+ people to have dinner.

But it’s not about expectation. It’s about the parent wanting to pay for the adult child.which is very different. Only on mumsnet would it be a crime to wish to pay for an adult child when you invite them to dinner.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/01/2023 21:22

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 04/01/2023 11:06

I wouldn't pay for him.

I'm 2 years older than him and pay my own way with my parents/family. Sounds very childish.

If I'm out with my parents (granted, something that only happens about once a decade) they pay. It's quite normal when the parents have more money than the children.
If the SS was the OP's own son, I'm sure she'd be paying.

jannier · 04/01/2023 21:27

"we are meeting up as a group for dinner anyone wishing to come is welcome if you let me know by X the appropriate cost is £. I'm afraid we can not afford to pay for everyone with the way things are at the moment.

Honeyroar · 04/01/2023 21:29

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 18:22

Sounds like a step mother driving a wedge between father and bio child. Then coming on mumsnet for validation.

Ooh yes, absolutely. That’s probably why the step child didn’t bother to get his dad a card or present either, isn’t it? It’s all because of his stepmum. I should have realised- I’m a wicked stepmother myself..

Citycentre3 · 04/01/2023 21:38

Honeyroar · 04/01/2023 21:29

Ooh yes, absolutely. That’s probably why the step child didn’t bother to get his dad a card or present either, isn’t it? It’s all because of his stepmum. I should have realised- I’m a wicked stepmother myself..

Show quote history

Most step parents inevitably do drive a wedge between families at some point, either intentionally or unintentionally that is just how it is. Unless your name is either Mary, Jesus or Joseph step parenting successfully has less of a favourable outcome than winning the lottery.

pompei8309 · 04/01/2023 21:39

I never invite anyone to a restaurant for my birthday and expect them to pay for their own food , who’s inviting, pays in my opinion