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Original poster

Should he be paying for his own meals now

183 replies

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 10:44

My hubby's birthday is coming up and we normally go out for a meal with some family. My stepson is 29 and has worked since leaving school, he's not short of money but extremely tight with it. We don't normally see him, and only heard from him in the past whenever he's wanted something.

My question is: should my stepson be paying for his own meal now if he joins us for his father's birthday meal out?

Last time I invited him to join us for his father's birthday, he didn't want to drive and insisted he wanted picking up as he wanted to have a drink, didn't have a card for his father and caused a massive scene in the restaurant as he refused to pay for his own meal and insisted his father and I should pay for his. It was really awkward and so embarrassing and even the waiter was gobsmacked by his behaviour.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2023 23:31

Yes exactly! I’m a 30 year old woman and my parents always pay when they see me. OP is giving evil step mother vibes tbh. I bet she’d be fine with him not paying if it was her son.

I would not in a million years be ok with my own child at 29 insisting I should pay for them if I didn't offer.

Comments like this seem to be missing the point that it's not just about whether she would be happy to pay for him if he were polite about it. This is specifically off the back of him being rude about it in the past.

Kisskiss · 04/01/2023 23:34

If you invite him you should probably pay.

My husband and myself somehow end up paying for all meals we ever have with his parents but I think this is probably an unusual arrangement

Shinyandnew1 · 04/01/2023 23:34

He asked my husband if we are going to go out for a meal for his birthday as if we are, he wants to come too.

So did your husband say
something like… ‘yes we are but everyone is paying for themselves-are you happy to pay? If so you are invited’ ?

Miss03852 · 04/01/2023 23:39

I see no difference between them, they are my step sons, bio or non-bio.

Absolute bullshit

It hurts my husband that they don't even get him a card or wish him happy birthday or fathers day etc.

Well why doesn’t he tell them that? My Dad doesn’t like cards, he finds them irritating, my Mum does so I always get her one but not him. I bet you’re in his ear all the time trying to shit stir and drive a wedge between them. One of my Dads girlfriends was like this and it was horrendous. Stay out of their relationship.

JM10 · 04/01/2023 23:40

MotherofDogs3 · 04/01/2023 21:17

Only on mumsnet would it be a crime to make your adult child pay for their own meal 🙄

Im 30 and would never expect my parents to pay for me when we go out for dinner regardless of who invited who! Some people have large families and they have families themselves. Not everyone is loaded and has money to pay for 10+ people to have dinner.

Exactly!

I've paid for my own meals from when I worked full time, why wouldn't I? If my parents, my siblings, DH, my children, my siblings and their children got together for a meal that's 11 people, why should my parents have to pay for everyone when all the adults work and my parents aren't well off?

NoDairyNoProblem · 04/01/2023 23:41

We treat the DC and their B/GF too if we eat out. This is our choice.

If the deal was clearly everyone pay for themselves, as it is in your case, and any of the DC threw a fit and refused to pay in a restaurant I would be concerned they would do it again.

Original poster
Blue789 · 04/01/2023 23:43

Miss03852 have you tried counselling, it may help you!

OP posts:
Miss03852 · 04/01/2023 23:44

JM10 · 04/01/2023 23:40

Exactly!

I've paid for my own meals from when I worked full time, why wouldn't I? If my parents, my siblings, DH, my children, my siblings and their children got together for a meal that's 11 people, why should my parents have to pay for everyone when all the adults work and my parents aren't well off?

Show quote history

Most parents want to treat their kids and most of the time earn much more than them, as earnings increase over time. I wouldn’t go for a meal with my parents unless they paid as I never waste money on eating out as it’s too expensive for me. Just because you have parents that don’t pay for you don’t put that on everyone else and act like it’s the norm (it isn’t).

baublesandbreakdowns · 04/01/2023 23:46

Generally in our groups of friends and family everyone pays for their own. There's absolutely no expectation that the person arranging pays for everyone.

The exception is our parents as they would never let us pay for a meal out with them. It seems to be the same with friends parents too.

If you want him to cover his own meal then you need to tell him before the night.

My friends dad will always insist on paying for the whole group but he's pretty loaded and likes to treat his daughter and friends even though we're all adults with jobs and families. I would never expect it from him though.

Miss03852 · 04/01/2023 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Liorae · 05/01/2023 00:08

Miss03852 · 04/01/2023 23:39

I see no difference between them, they are my step sons, bio or non-bio.

Absolute bullshit

It hurts my husband that they don't even get him a card or wish him happy birthday or fathers day etc.

Well why doesn’t he tell them that? My Dad doesn’t like cards, he finds them irritating, my Mum does so I always get her one but not him. I bet you’re in his ear all the time trying to shit stir and drive a wedge between them. One of my Dads girlfriends was like this and it was horrendous. Stay out of their relationship.

Projectors are not just in cinemas.

Wibbly1008 · 05/01/2023 00:12

Be upfront, tell him he has to pay for his meal without fuss or he will never be invited out again. He sounds very entitled and a pee taker to be honest.

Neverhot · 05/01/2023 01:16

Yes I would pay in this circumstance

Liorae · 05/01/2023 02:58

Miss03852 · 04/01/2023 23:44

Most parents want to treat their kids and most of the time earn much more than them, as earnings increase over time. I wouldn’t go for a meal with my parents unless they paid as I never waste money on eating out as it’s too expensive for me. Just because you have parents that don’t pay for you don’t put that on everyone else and act like it’s the norm (it isn’t).

Show quote history

Nice to know your parents have to pay for your company. I bet they don't do it often.

Confusednewmum1 · 05/01/2023 08:41

I don’t think you are doing the long term relationship any good with your demands and not covering the meal you invited him to ect. Remember you are not his mum there is no unconditional love on either part here…. If you create friction at family events the only loser is your husband and his happiness

Ragwort · 05/01/2023 09:06

Is the real issue that you can't afford to pay for his meal or that you think he's mean and tight with his money? It sounds as though whatever happens none of you will enjoy the evening. Why don't you change the dynamics and suggest eating at home ... will he still want to join you?

Ragwort · 05/01/2023 09:12

Liorae some DPs just do like spending on eating out and treating their DC, my elderly DM is widowed and very comfortably off, she really enjoys going out to nice restaurants , the whole 'occasion' of eating out. She is taking my DS and I out to lunch tomorrow before he returns to Uni, we would be very happy to have a light meal at home or a quick sandwich somewhere but it will give her a lot of pleasure to go the very expensive (& very nice) restaurant in her town. She wouldn't go there alone and none of her friends are the sort of people that would want to go so yes, we are accepting graciously and are very appreciative of a lovely lunch out.

OriginalUsername2 · 05/01/2023 09:15

If you want him there, say on the invite text that everyone’s paying their own way if he wants to come.

Puppers · 05/01/2023 09:44

Liorae · 05/01/2023 02:58

Nice to know your parents have to pay for your company. I bet they don't do it often.

Show quote history

She didn't say they have to pay for her company. Presumably they spend time together outside of going to restaurants. She is saying that she can't afford to eat out and therefore cannot/will not eat out with her parents unless they pay.

If you disagree with the comment then that's fine. Articulate why that is. Don't try and misrepresent what's been said just so you can argue with someone over something they're not even saying 😅 Why do people do this so much on MN? Bizarre.

RoseOud · 05/01/2023 09:51

I have 3 children. All middle 30's and thereabouts. All have really good incomes.

One insists on paying for himself all the time,one will try to get out of it if he can and the other expects to be payed for.

I don't think it's much to do with being a stepchild, it's just them as people.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/01/2023 10:17

Don’t some of you on here WANT to pay for your yourselves and your parents meal sometime? As a fully functioning ADULT?

Sickofcoughing · 05/01/2023 10:24

He sounds like a self entitled tw@t.

He knew he was expected to pay for himself, he still chose to turn up and make a scene last year.

I'd give it one more chance. "Yes your dad would love to have you there. FYI everyone is paying for themselves with a contribution for the birthday boy. If you're not happy with this then maybe organise something else for you to see your dad."

Mumoffairy · 05/01/2023 10:41

Im mid thirties and have never paid when eating with my parents. They invite my husband and my kids too. DHs parents also pay for us all when we eat out with them. Every once in a while I would sneakily pay before my parents get the chance and invite them to say thanks but they probably pay for about 9/10 meals.

Whichwhatnow · 05/01/2023 10:54

Well this has been a bit of an eye opener! Maybe it's a difference in backgrounds but I cannot think of anyone in my social circle who would (a) expect to pay for every person they invite to a meal, or (b) automatically assume parents will pay for adult kids forever... I mean it's obviously fine if that's how you want to do it, but I can't understand the level of shock and horror from some people that not everyone follows these 'rules' 😳. If I only attended birthday meals/events if I was being paid for and only ever ate out with my parents if they covered the cost, I would be living a very sad and lonely existence!

As for the 'evil step parent' comments... I honestly have no words.

Whichwhatnow · 05/01/2023 10:58

I don't think OP has said much about her and her DH's finances beyond her being the breadwinner, but is it seriously so hard to understand that some parents/people cannot afford to pay for others all the time?

My parents receive a state pension. I'm a lawyer on a good salary. I often treat them rather than the other way around. This does not mean that my parents hate me or that our relationship is dysfunctional as has been suggested on this thread.