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Original poster

Should he be paying for his own meals now

183 replies

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 10:44

My hubby's birthday is coming up and we normally go out for a meal with some family. My stepson is 29 and has worked since leaving school, he's not short of money but extremely tight with it. We don't normally see him, and only heard from him in the past whenever he's wanted something.

My question is: should my stepson be paying for his own meal now if he joins us for his father's birthday meal out?

Last time I invited him to join us for his father's birthday, he didn't want to drive and insisted he wanted picking up as he wanted to have a drink, didn't have a card for his father and caused a massive scene in the restaurant as he refused to pay for his own meal and insisted his father and I should pay for his. It was really awkward and so embarrassing and even the waiter was gobsmacked by his behaviour.

OP posts:
MrsCarson · 04/01/2023 21:51

We just had a big family dinner out (birthday). I invited everyone (adult kids and partners) and I paid as I had invited and picked the place and time.
If I had suggested a meet up if anyone fancies coming for no reason in particular I think it would be OK for them to pay towards their meal.

Honeyroar · 04/01/2023 21:51

Citycentre3 · 04/01/2023 21:38

Most step parents inevitably do drive a wedge between families at some point, either intentionally or unintentionally that is just how it is. Unless your name is either Mary, Jesus or Joseph step parenting successfully has less of a favourable outcome than winning the lottery.

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🤣🤣 And where are you coming up with this from? How can you possibly know what goes on in “most” step families?? I’m absolutely intrigued.

Liorae · 04/01/2023 21:53

Honeyroar · 04/01/2023 21:29

Ooh yes, absolutely. That’s probably why the step child didn’t bother to get his dad a card or present either, isn’t it? It’s all because of his stepmum. I should have realised- I’m a wicked stepmother myself..

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On my my MILs 80th birthday, my BIL and his two adult sons showed up without as much as a card. My DH picked up the check, none of the other three even pretended to offer to split it. Afterward my BIL complained that my DH made him look bad by showing up with a card and a gift.
Some people are just thoughtless, no step mom needed for them to act that way.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/01/2023 21:55

pompei8309 · 04/01/2023 21:39

I never invite anyone to a restaurant for my birthday and expect them to pay for their own food , who’s inviting, pays in my opinion

I am still quite good friends with people I went to school with-we used to go out for drinks for our birthdays when we were younger-we certainly couldn’t afford to pay for everyone. This has moved on to going out for dinner over the years and we all still pay for ourselves as normal. Same with more ‘new’ friends or work colleagues.

Puppers · 04/01/2023 21:57

You paint a picture of the kind of son your stepson is, but what kind of father is your husband? You say you "don't normally see" his son. Does he make a big effort to be involved in his son's life? Does he call often? Does he try and arrange to see him often? Was he very hands on and involved when his son was a child? Is it possible that there's some resentment on his son's part that is driving this?

CatSeany · 04/01/2023 22:06

I'd never dream of asking my kids to pay for their own dinner if they're eating out with me. I genuinely look forward to being able to treat them as they grow up. If I couldn't afford to pay for everybody then we wouldn't go out. To ask your step son to pay for his meal is awful in my opinion!

Liorae · 04/01/2023 22:06

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 19:29

Absolutely. Grasping second wives clearing out their step children's inheritance. This one can't even spare a few quid for a meal out.

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The step children's father is alive, so there is no inheritance, no matter what assumptions the kids choose to make.

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 22:20

CatSeany · 04/01/2023 22:06

I'd never dream of asking my kids to pay for their own dinner if they're eating out with me. I genuinely look forward to being able to treat them as they grow up. If I couldn't afford to pay for everybody then we wouldn't go out. To ask your step son to pay for his meal is awful in my opinion!

I think if you can’t afford it it is fine. But the ops not saying that though.

For me, I actively wish to pay for my adult child if I invite them out. I also like to do that. But as a pp said many people can’t afford it.

Sitting arguing over who pays is awful though and if he was told in advance this was the condition of the invite he was out of line. Even if he wasn’t he should have accepted and paid In good grace assuming he had the money.

so I think the key point is if he accepted the invite knowing he was to pay he should only have went if he was going to. If the op hadn’t told him it’s more of a grey area, her and his father are also in the wrong for inviting him for dinner and not exposing , but rhe son should just have paid without comment.

Citycentre3 · 04/01/2023 22:25

Liorae · 04/01/2023 22:06

The step children's father is alive, so there is no inheritance, no matter what assumptions the kids choose to make.

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Does not make it morally right though. Men perferring some random over their own flesh and blood. Don't think much of any woman in this situation either. Harlet heartless gold digger springs to mind.

Liorae · 04/01/2023 22:32

Citycentre3 · 04/01/2023 22:25

Does not make it morally right though. Men perferring some random over their own flesh and blood. Don't think much of any woman in this situation either. Harlet heartless gold digger springs to mind.

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Do you consider your husband a random?

Original poster
Blue789 · 04/01/2023 22:54

City centre 😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Blue789 · 04/01/2023 22:57

City centre I am the breadwinner in our house lol 🤣 I've helped get my husband back up on his feet, but we are not made of money either!

OP posts:
jannier · 04/01/2023 23:01

I think it's very sad that adult children grow up assuming they will always be paid by their parents. If I go out with friends I don't assume they will pay. Most of the world would only ever eat on their own if they did that.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 04/01/2023 23:02

I would find it really sad to be inviting my son to a meal but then expecting him to pay for himself. It wouldn't even occur to me. My parents are the same with me, although sometimes I let them and sometimes I don't, and I would pay for them.
The whole scenario says alot about your dysfunctional family tbh

Liorae · 04/01/2023 23:04

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 22:57

City centre I am the breadwinner in our house lol 🤣 I've helped get my husband back up on his feet, but we are not made of money either!

On Mumsnet, ex wives always think that the current wife is trying to steal their kids' inheritance. Even if there is nothing to steal, even if the kid is such a jerk that the father chooses to leave him very little in the will.

jannier · 04/01/2023 23:05

Shinyandnew1 · 04/01/2023 21:55

I am still quite good friends with people I went to school with-we used to go out for drinks for our birthdays when we were younger-we certainly couldn’t afford to pay for everyone. This has moved on to going out for dinner over the years and we all still pay for ourselves as normal. Same with more ‘new’ friends or work colleagues.

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Agree I've never heard of people expecting a dinner out to be paid for....different if it's a party but not a dinner maybe I'm just not rich enough

Ragwort · 04/01/2023 23:07

You haven't said what your DH feels about the issue... does he want to treat his own DS?

Mamaneedsadrink · 04/01/2023 23:09

Ragwort · 04/01/2023 23:07

You haven't said what your DH feels about the issue... does he want to treat his own DS?

I agree! Surely it's up to DH. I don't think this would even be an issue if it wasn't a stepson

Fraaahnces · 04/01/2023 23:10

I would tell him he wasn’t invited because he made a tit of himself last time.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/01/2023 23:11

"Agree I've never heard of people expecting a dinner out to be paid for...."

Not by friends no, but by your own parents is different isn't it.

Mari9999 · 04/01/2023 23:11

If we plan and invite family and friends to a dinner celebration we always pay for everyone that we invite.
All members of my family handle it this way. When we are guests at the celebration, even though we do not pay for the meal we always leave a generous tip even when a tip has been factored into the charge.

I don't know anyone in my family who would create a scene in a restaurant about a family member not paying for their meal. We would just pay the bill and if necessary have a discussion after the event.

Why invite him if you do not wish to pay for him? He has been obvious in his thoughts about payment so why create an awkward moment by inviting him? If dad wants to share part of the day with him, why not invite him over for cake and coffee in your home?

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/01/2023 23:13

If you invite someone out to dinner, you pick up the tab surely?

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 04/01/2023 23:16

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/01/2023 23:13

If you invite someone out to dinner, you pick up the tab surely?

This is a what I think, unless it's like a joint friend thing or a huge crowd for an occasion. But not a small celebratory gathering, I would be wanting to pay for everyone

Miss03852 · 04/01/2023 23:16

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 10:46

If I was takin my husband out for a birthday dinner I’d pay all three bills. I can’t Imagine asking one guest. Particularly off spring, to pay their own.

Yes exactly! I’m a 30 year old woman and my parents always pay when they see me. OP is giving evil step mother vibes tbh. I bet she’d be fine with him not paying if it was her son.

Original poster
Blue789 · 04/01/2023 23:25

My husband was expecting his sons to pay for himself last time, he told him this before the meal. If he wasn't working or able to afford it that would be different.

One is his biological son the other (his brother), we've raised as our step son from the age of one (non biological son) but we love them both equally. We bought their first car, taken them out on driving lessons, taught them a trade and financed this, treated them both equally with cards, presents money etc. Paid for them both to come on holidays with us when we could and so on.... I see no difference between them, they are my step sons, bio or non-bio.

It hurts my husband that they don't even get him a card or wish him happy birthday or fathers day etc.

This time the 29 year old step son has invited himself for the meal. He asked my husband if we are going to go out for a meal for his birthday as if we are, he wants to come too.

OP posts: