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Original poster

Should he be paying for his own meals now

183 replies

Blue789 · 04/01/2023 10:44

My hubby's birthday is coming up and we normally go out for a meal with some family. My stepson is 29 and has worked since leaving school, he's not short of money but extremely tight with it. We don't normally see him, and only heard from him in the past whenever he's wanted something.

My question is: should my stepson be paying for his own meal now if he joins us for his father's birthday meal out?

Last time I invited him to join us for his father's birthday, he didn't want to drive and insisted he wanted picking up as he wanted to have a drink, didn't have a card for his father and caused a massive scene in the restaurant as he refused to pay for his own meal and insisted his father and I should pay for his. It was really awkward and so embarrassing and even the waiter was gobsmacked by his behaviour.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 04/01/2023 11:12

I would say, after the way he behaved last time, he’s not invited. He can take his father out for a meal under his own steam.

Loachworks · 04/01/2023 11:15

In this situation I'd always pay. You sound like you don't like him very much.

gingercat02 · 04/01/2023 11:16

If we go out for a birthday/celebratory meal, the other adult pays for everyone. Mother's Day DH pays Father's day me, birthdays I pay for DH's and DM's DH pays for mine, etc. We pay for anyone we invite.

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2023 11:17

No one causes a massive scene on their own. Clearly there was another party engaging in said scene.

Regardless of that, he was the one insisting OP and his dad should pay for him, which is really rude imo. You might gratefully accept an offer to pay but expecting and insisting is very rude.

Cherrysoup · 04/01/2023 11:26

I think if you invite him, you pay, unless you say at the time, we are not paying for others. I’m astonished that he would kick up such a fuss as a working adult last time, particularly when his brother told him to pay. He sounds very entitled.

Sittingonabench · 04/01/2023 12:00

Ask him to confirm he will be paying for his own meal - raise the issue that happened last time and make it clear if he causes an issue again this year he will not be invited in future. Clear this with your DH but so long as consequences are explained he can’t claim anyone is being unfair. He’s an adult and his parents boundaries should shift to reflect this.

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 12:01

Massive drip feed that he was told he was invited only on the condition he paid. clearly that changes things.

personally like others if we invite my adult children to a meal for a parents birthday we pay, but obviously you and your husband only pay for yourselves.

it all sounds very dysfunctional especially the not seeing him etc.

orbitalcrisis · 04/01/2023 12:14

I would expect him to pay for himself and his father, all of you if it were just the three.

Ask him if he is paying for himself at the beginning of the meal, if he kicks up a fuss offer to pay, but order for him from the children's menu.

ChatterMonkey · 04/01/2023 12:16

When i go out for a meal with my parents, they always pay. Maybe its wrong but it would never occur to me to offer to pay my share, and they would refuse and probably be insulted if I offered. Im 32.

What does your dp think about it?

Beamur · 04/01/2023 12:17

For something like this, we would pay for our adult children too.
But they're thoughtful and generous in other ways and don't take advantage.

Bananarama21 · 04/01/2023 12:35

My parents had us out for dinner yesterday and paid for me and my siblings families it was a treat. Your being unreasonable and tight fisted. Most parents who invite their adult children for dinner especially a birthday meal would pay.

Bookworm20 · 04/01/2023 12:54

Yes he should be paying at the age of 29! Or at the very least offering to and not expecting you would be.

If you invite him I would phrase it less like an invite to something you are arranging, but more of a 'you can come if you want'. So along the lines of 'Fred, a few of us are thinking of meeting up for your dads birthday for a meal. If you fancy coming also, we're meeting at the xyz at 7pm. would be good if you're able to make it'

And if you want to be doubling clear you are not funding it, spell it out.

'Obviously, with the cost of xmas and everything we totally understand if things are a bit tight right now money wise, and your dad would be just as happy to go out for a drink or 2 with you instead on another night.'

pairofrollerskates · 04/01/2023 13:13

If you invite family (esp sons/daughters) out for a meal, you need to make it clear from the outset whether you are paying or not so they can come prepared. He should have offered to pay, but he didn't.

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 13:19

orbitalcrisis · 04/01/2023 12:14

I would expect him to pay for himself and his father, all of you if it were just the three.

Ask him if he is paying for himself at the beginning of the meal, if he kicks up a fuss offer to pay, but order for him from the children's menu.

You expect your child to pay for you and their father?

Original poster
Blue789 · 04/01/2023 13:40

Porcinimushroom I've always paid for my father or mother's meals on their birthdays. As a grown adult, it's a nice thing to do and a treat for them! Although they never expect it or take it for granted either and yes I've always paid for mine too when invited to family meals out, since leaving education and becoming a working adult.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 04/01/2023 13:44

NewIdeasToday · 04/01/2023 11:00

How inhospitable. I’d never invite my adult kids to a family dinner and then expect them to pay for their own individual meals.

@NewIdeasToday

why not?

YouJustDoYou · 04/01/2023 13:44

pairofrollerskates · 04/01/2023 13:13

If you invite family (esp sons/daughters) out for a meal, you need to make it clear from the outset whether you are paying or not so they can come prepared. He should have offered to pay, but he didn't.

This.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/01/2023 13:46

This is mumsnet op!

offspring are excused from paying for meals… like…for ever

they are infantilised until they are at least 60

they didn’t ask to be born!!! Waaaah!

latetothefisting · 04/01/2023 14:02

Agree with @aaSofaNearYou - it's pointless expecting a homogenous answer regarding who should pay as different families do things differently.

But in this specific case you made it clear that if he wanted to come he needed to pay for himself which was reasonable. If he doesn't want to he doesn't come. Furthermore given he was so rude last time I wouldn't invite him at all.

orbitalcrisis · 04/01/2023 17:01

@Porcinimushroom Yes. Wouldn't you pay for your father's meal on his birthday? The son is 29.

newnamequickly · 04/01/2023 17:47

Just be very clear at invite stage.

Say you are having a family gathering to celebrate your husbands birthday. Say everyone is paying for their own meal and making a contribution to the person who's birthday meal it is, as a treat.
Ask him to organise his transport ahead of time and you can't help with lifts this year.

If he accepts the invite, don't raise the issue again. Simply pay for yourselves on the day and as you pay, ask that a separate bill be made out for your stepson. Then leave.

By the time he kicks off you'll be gone.

Ragwort · 04/01/2023 18:03

What does your DH say? Does he not want to treat his own DS? The key word is an 'invitation' to dinner which to me implies you are expecting to pay for your guest. If my DPs invite me out to dinner they always insist on paying - I do offer but they make it very clear they like to pay, and if I invite my own adult DS out for a meal then I would pay.

5128gap · 04/01/2023 18:04

A 29 year old man should not need to be 'made aware' he will be expected to pay his way. He should assume it, get his wallet out, and if he's told its on you, should be surprised and appreciative.
Its fairly obvious the only reason this charmer is bothering is in the expectation of a free dinner, so if it was an option not to invite him, then I wouldn't.
As it is, no doubt his dad wants him there, so I'd ask him but tell him he will have to pay.
He probably won't come.

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 18:22

Sounds like a step mother driving a wedge between father and bio child. Then coming on mumsnet for validation.

5128gap · 04/01/2023 18:28

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 18:22

Sounds like a step mother driving a wedge between father and bio child. Then coming on mumsnet for validation.

Good luck to her. A 29 year old man too tight to buy a birthday card for his dad and who expects his meals paid for like a child probably needs to be prised away from the parental wallet.