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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think he's calling off the wedding...

261 replies

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 10:37

Is it unreasonable to come home from a night out at 4am when you're in a relationship? I did this twice last January and it causes major issues in our relationship and it was rocky until March. He then proposed in April and since then we have been planning the wedding and everything was fine until 3 weeks ago when I went out again and again came back around 4am as I lost track of time. When I got back we started arguing and he said he doesn't know if wants to marry me anymore, I thought he was saying this was out of anger but since then he refused to speak about it or continue planning it when I bring it up.

He's not very social and doesn't really go out, he just works, goes gym and spend time with his family, we have a joint weekend business that we run together. However he's not controlling and seems to only have a problem with me coming back late. He's 27 I'm 29. Any thoughts would be appreciated x

OP posts:

Twattergy · 03/01/2023 10:41

You need to sit down and talk about this with him, with honesty on both sides. It clearly upsets him. You need to understand why. There is nothing wrong in itself in going out until 4am. But it sounds like there is a difference between each of your appetites for socialising and that needs to be explored.

bloodywhitecat · 03/01/2023 10:42

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to become a hermit and it is not reasonable for him to put any kind of curfew on your nights out. I would think twice before marrying this man because I think things will get more controlling once he gets that ring on your finger.

gamerchick · 03/01/2023 10:43

Does he know why it bothers him? I pull all nighters on occasion and husband just laughs when I stroll in.

Tramma · 03/01/2023 10:45

Have you asked why this in particular bothers him? Is he frightened you’ve been hurt or worried you’re drunk and won’t make it home safe?

I used to worry about my now husband coming back late, if I woke up at 3am and he wasn’t back and I last saw him heading out at 7pm and nothing since. So we agreed that if he thought he’d be back after 1am, that he would text me to say it was going to be a late one and not to expect him. This totally solved it for me.

Original poster

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 10:50

gamerchick · 03/01/2023 10:43

Does he know why it bothers him? I pull all nighters on occasion and husband just laughs when I stroll in.

He says he feels like I'm disrespecting him, perhaps he has trust issues because when we got to know each other I was in a long distance relationship already that wasn't really working. I did sleep with him before I fully split up with my ex. I know this hasn't sat right with him for a long time.

OP posts:

baileys6904 · 03/01/2023 10:53

Do you text him and let him know it'll be a late one?

I'm quite relaxed as far as my OH is concerned but if he went out for a couple and didn't actually come in till 4, I'd be pissed off.

mumto2teenagers · 03/01/2023 10:53

I agree you need to understand the reason he doesn't want you out until that time. You need to be honest with each other as personally I don't think I would want to be married to someone who wants to dictate what time I get in.

I will usually let DH know when I go out if I think it will be a late one, if I end up being out later than expected I will text to let him know, just so he doesn't worry about me getting home safely.

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2023 10:53

He is controlling
Don’t marry someone who wants to give you a curfew! You’re an adult not a child who needs to be told what time to be in at night

BliainNua · 03/01/2023 10:54

He feels like you're disrespecting him is weird, why would he think that?
I've been married 20+ years and maybe 2 or 3 times a year we would each be out until 2/3/4am... it's just a night out with friends. There's no disrespect.

VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 10:56

It is not unreasonable for an adult to come back from a night out once or twice a year at 4am, no.

VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 10:57

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 10:50

Show quote history

Well he was an equal participant (!) so he doesn't get to control you or bear you over the head about it.

If he has such a problem about your circumstances when you got together, he shouldn't have gotten involved himself.

DiaDeLluvia · 03/01/2023 10:57

It’s fine for you to go out til 4. It’s fine for him not to want to be with you because of it. You need a frank discussion and to find out if you both can see a solution. Sounds to me like he knows he can’t ask you to stop because that’s unfair so his only option is to cool it off until it’s sorted.

Lindy2 · 03/01/2023 10:59

If I knew DH wasn't going to be back until 4am I'd be OK with it. (He'd never last that long on a night out anyway).

If I thought he'd be back at pub closing time and I had no contact from him I'd be very worried and probably would be cross when he got home.

What's the actual situation?

Is he worried because you're later than expected?

Does he not trust what you are doing?
Does he just want you home because he doesn't like you being out?

The different reasons would require different responses.

Coffeellama · 03/01/2023 10:59

Do you let him no that you are going to be late home or leave him to worry? Are you doing anything wrong while you are out?

VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 11:00

You don't get together with someone you know is in a long distance relationship (failing or not), stay with them, plan a marriage with them and then try to give them a curfew/control them (and it's not like it's a regular event) be suse of it.

He chose that.

If he wasn't ok with it, he should have not gotten involved in the first place, or ended it since.

He doesn't get to control his partner over it.

He doesn't get to mess his partner about re something as significant as wedding plans over it.

He needs to decide what he wants, pronto.

Maybe he should get himself some counselling.

Speedweed · 03/01/2023 11:02

You don't really give enough information, but saying 'you lost track of time' suggests that you go out, he has no idea where you are, whether you're alive dead, or what time you'll be back.

I used to be like this, and from my own circumstances I know that associated issues can be drinking/drug problems, shady friends that are actually trouble, random shagging/snogging while out of it, writing a whole weekend off with hangovers and catching up sleep when you had plans with him (basically prioritising him last), overspending and debt issues (big nights out aren't cheap).

Overall, behaving like this shouts 'I'm unreliable! You cannot count on me!', which would not be a problem if you were equally flaky, because you'd be well matched.

But when you're planning a lifelong commitment to someone, perhaps having children at some point, their lack of consideration in not even taking 30 seconds to send a message saying 'See you in the morning' rings alarm bells. And that's aside from any of the associated problem behaviours that are connected with massive nights out.

If he's a keeper (and you obviously think so) he should be a priority - that doesn't mean you don't go out, but it does mean being considerate of his feelings, and at least keeping him informed when you're on a bender.

Paq · 03/01/2023 11:03

You just don't sound compatible.

FleasNavidad · 03/01/2023 11:05

"He says he feels like I'm disrespecting him"

🚩

VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 11:05

He's being a hypocrite.

Don't get involved with and shag (and stay with) not quite single women if you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who acted like that.

Unfortunately it's not unusual behaviour (yours, or his). A male dominated forum I visit calls it "monkey branching", one might call it overlapping.

If it doesn't sit right with him then he shouldn't have gotten involved with you in the first place, and certainly shouldn't have built a serious relationship wi

fairlygoodmother · 03/01/2023 11:06

He sounds controlling to me. I think him feeling disrespected by you enjoying a night out without him is actually not a good sign. What time does he think it’s okay for you to stay out until? Unless as pps have suggested he was expecting you back at 10, you didn’t let him know and he was worried.

Is this definitely what you want for the rest of your life? A husband who sulks and gives you the silent treatment if you miss your curfew?

Original poster

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 11:07

I'm just worried that everything will fall apart now, we've been together for nearly 6 years and he treats me good and is dependable. He said before in January that me staying out until 4am is a deal breaker for him. He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

OP posts:

Tramma · 03/01/2023 11:07

“Disrespecting him”? Bizarre. I wouldn’t personally be begging to marry someone that feels that going on a night out and coming home at a time I want is representative of a lack of “respect”.

You’re young enough to disengage and find someone that suits you more. Forever is a long time in a relationship with someone who seeks to control you and divorce is expensive and feels a lot more humiliating than just breaking up with someone before marrying them. Don’t waste your youth or your money on this wedding.

You may also find if you split, that your friends and family are happy for you.

VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 11:09

... with you, and planned a marriage.

If he wants it black and white/squeaky clean ... Then he should have acted black and white himself.

He can't restrict your (not unreasonable for an adult, an early hours one a couple of times a year) social life because he doesn't trust you and the thought that you might be back at someone's shagging them before you come home .. .. which is what this is about, let's face it ... After you've gotten into a long-term relationship.

He needs to get counselling and decide if he can deal with his lack of trust or not. You two shouldn't spend the money on a wedding until he's decide that.

Lillygolightly · 03/01/2023 11:09

This is a problem, so for him the way you got together and because you were not completely split from your ex started the first seed of doubt and trust issues, you going out until 4am has further sowed more seeds. Now he may have had a problem with the 4am thing regardless of your ex, we will never know….it’s a problem all the same.

There is nothing wrong with going out until 4am when you’re in a relationship and from the sounds of things this is an occasional rather than regular occurrence. If you were doing it all the time, fair enough, but you are not.

He should not have proposed and gotten engaged to you if he has problems trusting you, you should not agree to be engaged or continue to plan a wedding when you know there are trust issues. Given the timing of the proposal I would suspect that he proposed in order to lock you down and he probably hoped that you being engaged and getting married would put a stop to it.

You going out is not disrespecting him! What an outdated and controlling view for him to have! I would be wary of any man who held such views, and I certainly wouldn’t be wanting to marry one who thought I wasn’t allowed a good night out once in a while. Right now you’re just devastated about your wedding being called off by him, but if I were you I would be seriously considering calling the wedding off myself!!

VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 11:11

we've been together for nearly 6 years

If you've been together 6 yrs and given him no solid reason to suspect you e cheated on him, then he's being even more unreasonable.

I thought this was only a couple of years after you overlapped (which he presumably fully participated in).

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