I think he's calling off the wedding...

[AppleBee321]

Is it unreasonable to come home from a night out at 4am when you're in a relationship? I did this twice last January and it causes major issues in our relationship and it was rocky until March. He then proposed in April and since then we have been planning the wedding and everything was fine until 3 weeks ago when I went out again and again came back around 4am as I lost track of time. When I got back we started arguing and he said he doesn't know if wants to marry me anymore, I thought he was saying this was out of anger but since then he refused to speak about it or continue planning it when I bring it up.

He's not very social and doesn't really go out, he just works, goes gym and spend time with his family, we have a joint weekend business that we run together. However he's not controlling and seems to only have a problem with me coming back late. He's 27 I'm 29. Any thoughts would be appreciated x

he doesn’t trust you
He has issues around women and controlling women - his dislike of women in nightclubs is his preference but is straight out of 1950s!

He is still controlling the situation by refusing to clarify the details of going ahead /cancelling the wedding. Therefore instilling fear and preventing you from taking your own measured decision as to whether you can agree to his conditions.

Whatever his life looks like now this will be your life indefinitely

What am I reading?

I'm 47 and I love dancing into the early hours. I love nightclubs, I love live music and love hanging with my friends. I do this either with or without my partner and he can do what he likes too. ]

And we dont wait a year for a night our either. Not every weekend, I'm too tired, but once a month, and more in the summer. And we love festivals too.

There is someone out there for you OP, not this one.

"his woman"?!! So he thinks he owns you.
Give him the ring back.

Hopefully you have a good 50 years plus ahead of you. Please don't spend it with this controlling individual.

He has the right to decide you coming in at 4am is a deal breaker. You have the right to decide to come in at 4am. However, this is one of, I suspect, many ways you are not compatible. I had a little sympathy for him up until the "his woman" comment.

No it doesn't. It was 6 years ago. If it was an issue, why is he still there?

If it weren't this, he'd dream up something else. Some other perceived defect to shame her with.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He’s acting like he’s your father and you’re 17.

Talk to him. He’s in the wrong here.

Oh just saw that you cheated on your ex with him and he knows.

That‘s why I’d never date someone who has cheated. I understand him having trust issues.

He still can’t set you a curfew like a dad would.

I think you need counseling so you can work on your trust issues.

Erm yes trust issues can last that long and please can I post my opinion/question without being told off?!

Do you let him know that you're going to be coming back at 4am? I think in your late twenties it's a late time to return. Does he think you are still not ready to settle down?

Probably hen nights, Christmas do, etc. it seems fairly normal to stay out til late. Maybe he's concerned that you will want to do this more often in the future. I would sit down and talk it through with him. It might be that he needs to know you're serious about marriage and ready to commit.

You say he isn't controlling, but I find his language really quite worrying. You're not "his" woman...that language very much sounds like he thinks he owns you.

You have to talk about what is acceptable for either of you. I don’t think he is controlling based on your post alone but maybe just has different views. If you want different lifestyles and can’t see past those as in don’t want to make sacrifices, then you have to decide to part or stay in a relationship which will turn toxic.

doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on
🤢🙄

He's not going to cancel the wedding. He's just using the threat as a tool to control you. He knows you fear he might so it's a good way to keep you in line. I'd be thinking long and hard about marrying him OP rather than looking at the 6 years you've already invested. Once married, he'll find other ways to keep control over you 🤷‍♀️

Same here.

THIS.

It isn't
"you said you'd be home by midnight, no contact from 11 and you rolled in at 4, I was worried you were dead" or "you said you'd be fit to cover the 8am shift on our burger van but now you've got your head down the loo at 5 am" it's "my woman, she's not to be LOOKED at by another man let alone APPROACHED!! She cheated 6 years ago, I know she can't be trusted!!"

Oh just saw that you cheated on your ex with him and he knows.
Of course he knows. He was there. In bed with OP.

That‘s why I’d never date someone who has cheated. I understand him having trust issues.
But OP's b/f didn't choose not to date her @misslucy92
He chose to be with her for 6 years, he chose to ask her to marry him.
He is now brandishing a circumstance he accepted 6 years ago over OP's head, as if he had no personal choice in the matter.
So it's clearly an excuse.

He still can’t set you a curfew like a dad would.
No he can't, but he feels entitled to, He reckons OP is his possession.
He offered to marry her hoping that this would force her to give up her couple of late nights out a year. It didn't work, so he withdrew the offer, to control her into compliance. See PP's comment upthread "this is a compliance test."

If she stays with him, this will NOT be the only issue he manufactures to control her with.

I think you need counseling so you can work on your trust issues.
OP doesn't have trust issues.
Neither does her fiance - he has CONTROL issues.

You slept with him before fully finishing with your ex but he slept with someone who was in a relationship - who is he to get on his high horse about trust. Ask him why you can trust him any more than he seems to trust you.

Oh just saw that you cheated on your ex with him and he knows.
Of course he knows. He was there. In bed with OP.

That's not fair @KettrickenSmiled. OP hasn't told us whether he knew at the time.

Expects you to obey him ⛳
Don't shackle yourself to this man he will turn out to be a dominator

He is definitely controlling, possessive, jealous and insecure.

PP’s have said everything else which is wrong about this relationship so I won’t go over old ground.

I will say though, at 27 (almost 28) I met a man 2 years younger than me and was with him for 2.5 years, living with him for the last 6 months. He had all the traits mentioned in my first sentence. I’d been engaged before but hadn’t had that many serious relationships before meeting him so I was a bit naive there. I recall speaking to my best friend abut him a few months after we’d been dating and she told me straight that he was controlling, jealous etc, it wouldn’t get better, it’d get worse and to reconsider being with him. I stupidly thought his bad qualities would be fine and I could deal with them and told her so. It also wasn’t that bad then, at the start.

I had 2 platonic male best friends who unsurprisingly disliked this man! My ex SO would ring me on my mobile if I’d been out after work and if I got in eg before/after midnight, to “check I’d got home safely”, I knew after the first call he was checking I was out/in, who I was with etc, by the call convo tone and his questions. He tried to control what I wore too. He confused me by giving me lavish presents (mostly jewellery), compliments, sending me flowers, paying a lot for things etc (we also went dutch too). I recall I got so nervous and anxious I got eczema on the backs of my knees which was anxiety related and my SO used to say it looked disgusting. As soon as the relationship ended the eczema disappeared!

After 2.5 years and not a great relationship and also him cheating on me (found out after we broke up), I ended it and was on Prozac and in therapy due to his actions. One of my male best friends I spoke to after it ended could see my confidence was at rock bottom and I wasn’t “me”. He asked me after I’d confided in him, why I hadn’t told him how my now ex-SO had behaved towards me, and I shamefully admitted to my friend that I was too embarrassed and ashamed to admit my SO was treating me so badly and I was letting him do this.

My SO did tell me (not an excuse) that his DF had continually cheated on his DM whilst they were married and they had a very acrimonious divorce which I/he believes made him so jealous etc.

Anyway OP, please, please, rethink getting married! If I could turn back the clock and not have dated my ex SO back then I really wish I could.

He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

i only read this far: you are not compatible.

And fucking men. They behave badly, they don't call each other out on it and yet women have to modify their behaviour (and am aware that in this case it isn't this particular man. But his fellow men. Grrr)

“His women?!”

You’re your own woman and don’t answer to him!

my husband and I used to regularly have late nights out with friends before having kids. If pre-arranged we would both still be ok with the other doing this now - we trust eachother. We just don’t because we’re knackered most of the time!

You’re only 27 - enjoy living and having fun now.

I would be rethinking whether I wanted to marry this guy - he sounds very controlling and will likely get worse once you’re married and if you have children.

I haven't told you off, I've disagreed with you.

And I still do.
If he has a problem with the overlap between OP's LTR & them getting together, he needs to finish the relationship. He could have chosen to do that at any point over the last 6 years. Instead of being a grown up & doing that, he is controlling OP by offering & withdrawing marriage.

Therefore he doesn't have a problem with how they got together 6 years ago.
He has a problem that she goes out dancing twice a year.

He pretends it's because men will hit on her.
But men hit on women everywhere. At work, in carparks, on the street ... what is OP going to do about that - stop going out altogether?

And yes it's a compliance test isn't it, that's what they call it on those red pill forums where they swap tips and techniques about how to control and dominate your woman

Immaterial.

He knows now.
If it's news to him, he can finish with OP.
If it's not news to him, but bothers him now - he can finish with OP.

He doesn't get to use a 6-years-ago slip up by a 20 year old as a stick to beat her with now.

@KettrickenSmiled there's a very good chance that he found out, chose to forgive and then she gives him reason to doubt.