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Relationships

I think he's calling off the wedding...

261 replies

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 10:37

Is it unreasonable to come home from a night out at 4am when you're in a relationship? I did this twice last January and it causes major issues in our relationship and it was rocky until March. He then proposed in April and since then we have been planning the wedding and everything was fine until 3 weeks ago when I went out again and again came back around 4am as I lost track of time. When I got back we started arguing and he said he doesn't know if wants to marry me anymore, I thought he was saying this was out of anger but since then he refused to speak about it or continue planning it when I bring it up.

He's not very social and doesn't really go out, he just works, goes gym and spend time with his family, we have a joint weekend business that we run together. However he's not controlling and seems to only have a problem with me coming back late. He's 27 I'm 29. Any thoughts would be appreciated x

OP posts:
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SchnauzerEyebrows · 03/01/2023 18:12

He doesn't trust you

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Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/01/2023 18:13

Aha

so as you cheated on your ex with him (and I can see why ) he thinks you’ll do it again

you need to talk as with no trust
the marriage is somewhat doomed

he needs to trust you and understand that staying out till 4 means you are partying
not shagging others

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VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 18:16

You think anybody in a relationship shouldn't be 'allowed' two late nights out a year? That is insanely controlling

Yep.

And Jen like this know they won't get a woman who goes along with that easily. That's why they don't separate when their "rule" is broken.

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VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 18:16

*men like this

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YukoandHiro · 03/01/2023 18:58

"His women"?
Horrible red flag. Do not marry this man. He wants to control you and believes that as a husband he has the right to control his wife

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MysteryBelle · 03/01/2023 19:34

It may be all for the best. You can get drunk in nightclubs until 4 am and your fiancé can find someone else who doesn’t do that. Win win!

Seriously though, you sound like you’re not ready to settle down and that’s ok. Maybe this guy is not for you and you’re not for him. Let him go and be happy and find someone he can trust. Let yourself be happy and not worry about having to answer to anyone. Good luck, keep us posted on what you decide.

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OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 03/01/2023 19:51

If you were that happy in your relationship you wouldn't be doing this would you?
I'd be calling off the whole relationship never mind a wedding
You clearly have other priorities

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SillySausage81 · 03/01/2023 20:03

Seriously though, you sound like you’re not ready to settle down and that’s ok.

and

If you were that happy in your relationship you wouldn't be doing this would you?

Mate... are both of you from the 1950s or something? You're giving me vibes of my nan who tried to tell my mum she couldn't wear jeans or have long hair after she had her first baby at the age of 27 because "you're a married woman and a mother" 😂

In WHAT world is going out dancing with your girlfriends twice a year indicative of "not being ready to settle down" and "not being happy in your relationship"?" She's 27 for god's sake! I bet life's a barrel of laughs with you two around...

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Festivfrenzy · 03/01/2023 20:41

Run a mile! My DH showed glimmers of being antisocial when we were dating - lots of let's go out "just us" but we lived far apart so it seemed reasonable.
Nowadays with two DC it's really depressing- we can't have play dates, go out with other couples, have families over, meet other families or anything. Everything is just us as a couple or us "as a family".
He has a huge meltdown if I ask, sulks, tells me I'm obviously not happy with my life as my family aren't enough for me, and makes snide comments if I go out with my friends. Getting in at 4am or heaven forbid a lie in after a night out would be met with snide comments for days on end about how I don't care for my children etc.
Its extra annoying because the rare times he does do anything we all have a great time- he's on best behaviour and loads of fun. Clearly that's a huge effort for him though and at home in his sanctuary he can be boring (tv addict) or miserable/snappy/moody to his hearts content.
Your specimen sounds very similar so think very carefully!! I've got two friends who married years after me to lovely chilled men, they had kids a bit later too but they're all happy and have a nice content life - sometimes wish I'd waited apart from my gorgeous two DC.
Think on OP!!!! Xxx

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isadoradancing123 · 03/01/2023 21:28

Depends……… would it bother you if he stayed out until 4 am, wouldnt work for me but everyone is different

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Mum2jenny · 03/01/2023 21:38

If I went out to 4am, my dh would be ok with that. If he went out to that time I’d be amazed. But we trust each other and would text what we were doing.
However if the trust is not there, the relationship is dead in the water.
OP please run as it seems like you have a good escape route….

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SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2023 21:41

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 03/01/2023 19:51

If you were that happy in your relationship you wouldn't be doing this would you?
I'd be calling off the whole relationship never mind a wedding
You clearly have other priorities

If she was happy in her relationship she wouldn't socialise with her friends??

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xfan · 04/01/2023 09:09

Being in a relationship is like a ball and a chain 😒

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girlmom21 · 04/01/2023 09:22

xfan · 04/01/2023 09:09

Being in a relationship is like a ball and a chain 😒

Only if it's a shit relationship

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IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 04/01/2023 09:31

You haven't answered whether he knows what time he expects you home, if you keep him up to date, if he knows when and where you are etc. That makes a big difference. You're part of a relationship. Though I do think by almost 30 you should be past that stage by now. If we reversed it and a woman said her husband didn't come home from the pub and stayed til 4am, we'd be telling her to LTB to his childish bachelor life. I don't understand the need to stay out til 4am. I mean, what is with that? Why? If you have children you realise you won't be able to live the bachelorette clubbing life? Personally I say it might be time to grow up a bit and leave this silly teens/20s life behind. I think you fiance wants to settle down with you but he's worried about marrying someone who lives the bachelorette clubbing lifestyle. It might be once a year, ok, but, I would be massively turned off by a man staying at the pubs til 4am regularly.

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Rachie1973 · 04/01/2023 09:38

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 04/01/2023 09:31

You haven't answered whether he knows what time he expects you home, if you keep him up to date, if he knows when and where you are etc. That makes a big difference. You're part of a relationship. Though I do think by almost 30 you should be past that stage by now. If we reversed it and a woman said her husband didn't come home from the pub and stayed til 4am, we'd be telling her to LTB to his childish bachelor life. I don't understand the need to stay out til 4am. I mean, what is with that? Why? If you have children you realise you won't be able to live the bachelorette clubbing life? Personally I say it might be time to grow up a bit and leave this silly teens/20s life behind. I think you fiance wants to settle down with you but he's worried about marrying someone who lives the bachelorette clubbing lifestyle. It might be once a year, ok, but, I would be massively turned off by a man staying at the pubs til 4am regularly.

Is 2 or 3 times a year ‘regularly’??

just because you can’t understand the need to stay out doesn’t make it wrong. You realise I assume that people can be different and each wish, desire, preference are equally valid right?

Having children doesn’t end your life ffs. I have 6 kids, have fostered and still have custody of a 2 and 3 year old. Clubs are something I love!

As to why.... because I enjoy it. No further explanation needed.

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BarrelOfOtters · 04/01/2023 09:46

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 04/01/2023 09:31

You haven't answered whether he knows what time he expects you home, if you keep him up to date, if he knows when and where you are etc. That makes a big difference. You're part of a relationship. Though I do think by almost 30 you should be past that stage by now. If we reversed it and a woman said her husband didn't come home from the pub and stayed til 4am, we'd be telling her to LTB to his childish bachelor life. I don't understand the need to stay out til 4am. I mean, what is with that? Why? If you have children you realise you won't be able to live the bachelorette clubbing life? Personally I say it might be time to grow up a bit and leave this silly teens/20s life behind. I think you fiance wants to settle down with you but he's worried about marrying someone who lives the bachelorette clubbing lifestyle. It might be once a year, ok, but, I would be massively turned off by a man staying at the pubs til 4am regularly.

Well you wouldn't like it if you didn't know or your partner was out clubbing - especially if they had children -shock horror!

But the OP presumably would like to be in a relationship where that was all hunky dory - and it can be it 2 compatible people are together.....

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VisaGeezer · 04/01/2023 11:58

What is up with the posters on here (thankfully few in number) who think that an under 30 woman who stays out late socialising once or twice a year is not ready for a relationship/not ready to settle down/not ready to marry etc etc.

Are you insane??

She's been in a relationship with him for 6 years!!! That means she's perfectly suited to a relationship and perfectly settled.

People in relationships are allowed to go out on their own, with their friends occasionally..... Are allowed to have a late one occasionally. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing incompatible with being in a relationship or marriage with that.

If and when she had kids she can arrange it with her partner, or it may fall away altogether.. they don't have any kids yet, she's under 30 ... This is exactly the time to have occasional late nights etc.!

And several posters seem utterly incapable (or is it that they choose to ignore) that this is occasional - rare even - behaviour.

You should really get off forums because you are mal adjusted and give terrible advice, your advice would keep women (or me) in controlling, abusive relationships.

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VisaGeezer · 04/01/2023 11:59

*or men

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VisaGeezer · 04/01/2023 12:04

someone who lives the bachelorette clubbing lifestyle

2 hours roughly past closing time (probably including getting food and getting home) .... Twice a year is "living the bachelorette clubbing lifestyle" 😂

A 29 year old young woman with no kids yet.

Lmfao.

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VisaGeezer · 04/01/2023 12:06

I would be massively turned off by a man staying at the pubs til 4am regularly.

So would I

The thing is there no man or woman doing that in this thread.

Are you reading a different thread?

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Soothsayer1 · 04/01/2023 12:21

Everything else aside threatening to call it off because you have disobeyed him is a power move, he sees himself as the boss and that's a massive red flag.
I would call his bluff- ok no worries we're clearly incompatible, time to call it a day. I would do this just to see how he reacts but have no intention of continuing with the relationship in any case.
He is expecting you to apologise and amend your behaviour, which would then set the tone for the rest of the relationship.

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Mari9999 · 04/01/2023 12:31

It really doesn't matter what his reasons are. He objects to the way that you choose to socialize, and you rightly object to his efforts to dictate to your personal choices.

There is no right or wrong just 2 differing opinions on an important subject. You should not become engaged or marry, if or until you can resolve this issue.

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WisherWood · 04/01/2023 13:26

xfan · 04/01/2023 09:09

Being in a relationship is like a ball and a chain 😒

My OH is the life of my life. In many ways he sets me free. He enables me to do many things I simply didn't do when I was single, through giving me confidence and companionship.

Bad relationships are awful. They can be soul destroying. They can have a huge emotional and physical toll. Often, you are better off being single. But if you can find someone who is right for you, it can be the thing that makes life worthwhile.

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VisaGeezer · 04/01/2023 13:31

There is no right or wrong just 2 differing opinions on an important subject.

His opinion is wrong because it is underpinned by sexism, possessiveness, jealousy and mistrust.

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