My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I think he's calling off the wedding...

261 replies

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 10:37

Is it unreasonable to come home from a night out at 4am when you're in a relationship? I did this twice last January and it causes major issues in our relationship and it was rocky until March. He then proposed in April and since then we have been planning the wedding and everything was fine until 3 weeks ago when I went out again and again came back around 4am as I lost track of time. When I got back we started arguing and he said he doesn't know if wants to marry me anymore, I thought he was saying this was out of anger but since then he refused to speak about it or continue planning it when I bring it up.

He's not very social and doesn't really go out, he just works, goes gym and spend time with his family, we have a joint weekend business that we run together. However he's not controlling and seems to only have a problem with me coming back late. He's 27 I'm 29. Any thoughts would be appreciated x

OP posts:
Report
Namechangeforthis88 · 03/01/2023 11:13

@Speedweed makes some good points. If it doesn't adversely impact him though, he needs to decide if he's in or out and get on with it.

I occasionally go out for a drink/meet friends and stay out later than planned, but I haven't been a messy drunk for over 15 years and I will pretty much plough on with the day as planned. Impressed people recently when I went out for a couple of drinks, got in about 2.30 and was up at 6.30, got DS off to school, cycled 4 miles to work in sub-zero conditions and got a full day's work done. I did slow down a bit mid-afternoon. So I consume my own smoke.

Report
OatMilkLattes · 03/01/2023 11:14

Coming home at 4am is absolutely fine if it’s what you enjoy doing,

my DP does it very regularly and I have no issues with it and trust him entirely. He’s out with friends and loves to party!

your DP needs to sort this before you get married. You should be able to go out and enjoy yourself and get home at whatever time you like!

Report
VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 11:15

He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

Oh, that old chestnut.

The "I trust you, it's men I don't trust" line.

So ... Unless these men roofie you or spike you or otherwise sexually assault you while you're isolated or drunk or whatever...... Which would he a crime, and you a victim .. .. you would have to be a participant in any inappropriate contact. Which would be you cheating, which he'd be justified to ebd the relationship over.

Nothing is going to happen without your participation, so what does it matter "what men are like".

Report
Porcinimushroom · 03/01/2023 11:17

His woman? You aren’t allowed out late? How insecure and controlling is he

tell him to put a lid on it. Get help if required, but if he can’t trust you or deal with his insecurities then it’s over. Do not ever let a man control you op.

Report
Schnooze · 03/01/2023 11:19

Tell him he either trusts you or he doesn’t. That without trust on both sides there is no relationship.
He needs to trust you until you do something to abuse that trust. Then game over.

Although you did do something previously, so I sort of see where his paranoia comes from… You need to acknowledge this and reassure him that you are a different person now and that your current relationship isn’t worth throwing away for anything.

Report
KettrickenSmiled · 03/01/2023 11:19

However he's not controlling

Eh?

He has a massive problem with you going out with your mates, so much so that when you went out in January, he punished you for it by making the relationship "rocky" until March.

He then proffers marriage as a cure-all, you went out with your mates again last month, he had another tantrum, & is now punishing you by threatening to call off the wedding, as a spectacular piece of emotional blackmail.

He's a fucking control freak.

Report
selck · 03/01/2023 11:20

My partner and I had issues with each one of us staying out too late.

It boiled down to both of us feeling that the other would rather be out socialising and getting too drunk than coming home to the other.

Our fix was a message to say we felt like we would be late, a little reassurance of who we are with, where we are and what we are doing. As well as a 'I love you' and a bit of effort to make the other feel appreciated in the following days.

We definitely struggled with insecurity in similar situations but it was easier because we both had this habit of going out late.

I'd say speak to your partner and let him know that you won't be stopping this, but you know it bothers him and would like to find a system that makes him feel reassured that you're not out because you'd rather be with someone else.

Jealousy can really trigger the worst in people, if you're honest and invite him to communicate openly, you're giving him the power to find a solution that works for you both. If he still can't cope, you'd have to think about if you want to be with someone who doesn't fully trust you even when you're giving them reassurance.

Report
Milkand2sugarsplease · 03/01/2023 11:20

What the hell does 4am have to do with anything??

I can't imagine being cross with DH because he stayed out "too late"

Report
Charlize43 · 03/01/2023 11:21

I wouldn't get married as it sounds as though you don't like to have your wings clipped.

Are you prepared to curtail your behaviour? Would you be comfortable with him coming home at 4am?

I think you both need to sit down together and discuss your expectations otherwise you'll be coming up against conflict.

Report
Paq · 03/01/2023 11:21

I will say it again, you're just not compatible. Treating you well is not an aspiration in a relationship, it's a minimum standard. You are young, you're not married, why would you settle for this?

Report
Milkand2sugarsplease · 03/01/2023 11:22

And you can't control what other people do - as in hit on you - but he should trust you to control what you do - accept being hit on, or not, encourage being hit on, or not.

I'd be wanting him to sort his trust issues out before I married him.

Report
VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 11:22

Do you mean he refers to you as "his woman"?

On top of the "disrespecting me" ... Referring to a mature adult staying out to the early hours on a night out once of twice a year" he's sounding like a possessive, ownership- oriented, deeply sexist type of man.

And if he's so concerned about men acting appropriately to other men's partners; maybe he should apply that to himself - since he got involved with a not entirely single woman himself when it suited him.

(I take it he knew at the time?

Report
KettrickenSmiled · 03/01/2023 11:24

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 10:50

He says he feels like I'm disrespecting him, perhaps he has trust issues because when we got to know each other I was in a long distance relationship already that wasn't really working. I did sleep with him before I fully split up with my ex. I know this hasn't sat right with him for a long time.

CONTROL FREAK CONTROL FREAK CONTROL FREAK

He has just told you that your right to personal autonomy equals disrespect.

Have a long, dispassionate think about that.
If it doesn't chill you to your bones, he - or someone - has already done a right number on you.


I have never met a man who demanded "respect" from a woman who wasn't severely dysfunctional, entitled, misogynistic & controlling. Also usually a little thick.

Report
KettrickenSmiled · 03/01/2023 11:24

I did sleep with him before I fully split up with my ex. I know this hasn't sat right with him for a long time.

Note the sexism & double standards.
It takes two to tango. Why are only YOU at fault here?

Report
VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 11:25

KettrickenSmiled · 03/01/2023 11:19

However he's not controlling

Eh?

He has a massive problem with you going out with your mates, so much so that when you went out in January, he punished you for it by making the relationship "rocky" until March.

He then proffers marriage as a cure-all, you went out with your mates again last month, he had another tantrum, & is now punishing you by threatening to call off the wedding, as a spectacular piece of emotional blackmail.

He's a fucking control freak.

As always, this poster cuts through the murk and nails it. She's right. He is controlling.

And he's a hypocrite, cause he got involved with you and had sex when you weren't really single.

Report
mindutopia · 03/01/2023 11:25

I think you need to get in there and cancel the wedding first.

I’ve been married 12 years. Dh and I in our early 40s and he still goes out a few times a year and doesn’t come home til the early hours.

He’s a grown up and I trust him, and he’s literally just hanging out with his friends or brother. Not disrespectful. It’s perfectly normal to have friends and socialise when you’re in a relationship.

No way would I expect him to tolerate me saying he couldn’t go out with friends (assuming he wasn’t needed at home for childcare, etc).

Report
VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 11:27

*Although you did do something previously, so I sort of see where his paranoia comes from… You need to acknowledge this and reassure him that you are a different person now and that your current relationship isn’t worth throwing away for anything.

Well so did he.

If he's not ok with "overlapping" he shouldn't have become a participant in it himself. Noone forced him to.... He could've waited til op properly finished her LTR or not gotten involved at all.

Report
Greyarea12 · 03/01/2023 11:27

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 10:50

He says he feels like I'm disrespecting him, perhaps he has trust issues because when we got to know each other I was in a long distance relationship already that wasn't really working. I did sleep with him before I fully split up with my ex. I know this hasn't sat right with him for a long time.

He is controlling. And coercive. His threats to not marry you is to manipulate you into line. He threatens not to marry you, you therefore do as he says. Walk around on eggshells fearing upsetting him, be careful of what you say incase he leaves & absolutely watch your time on a night out because prior to marriage he may call it off, after marriage he will threaten divorce. Controlling, coercive, manipulation and abuse. You will regret marrying him. Leave. Find someone who treats you better.

Report
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 03/01/2023 11:28

If this were me it would be me calling off the wedding OP. He is flying the Red Flag high !

Report
BarrelOfOtters · 03/01/2023 11:30

I wouldn't be cross with DH staying out late, as long as it wasn't going to muck up plans the next day. I'd want to know so I wasn't worrying. But he's a boring git who has stayed out late about 5 times in our 17 years of marriage. I've stayed out late a vanishingly small number of times and I'm also very sleepy when I get pissed and just want to go home to bed.

You don't sound compatible to be honest.

Report
VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 11:31

I think, even if you two hadn't gotten together the way you did 6 years ago ... There'd some some other excuse for trying to stop you from going on "late" nights out.

You've done 3 of them over two years (?) and as Kett said, the punishment over them has been significant. He wants you to drop those rare nights out all together. Then he might work on anything that is above his new bar for "disrespect".

Report
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/01/2023 11:31

Hmmm. Bit more context needed really OP.

Had you initially told him you were going to be home at X time? You said you "lost track of time" so does that mean you didn't update him, leaving him at home worrying about you? Does it also indicate you were drunk/high? Were you annoyingly intoxicated when you did come home and was the next day impacted by a hangover/comedown?

If the above was involved, I can understand him having second thoughts, because yes that's disrespectful to a partner.

If it wasn't involved and you just happened to be out late without him, then in your shoes I'd be having second thoughts as it sounds controlling.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

girlmom21 · 03/01/2023 11:31

Did he know you were still with your ex when you slept together?

"His woman" gives me the ick though. You're not 'his', you're yours.

I wouldn't be bothered if DP was out late as long as he'd been courteous enough to let me know.

Report
girlmom21 · 03/01/2023 11:32

girlmom21 · 03/01/2023 11:31

Did he know you were still with your ex when you slept together?

"His woman" gives me the ick though. You're not 'his', you're yours.

I wouldn't be bothered if DP was out late as long as he'd been courteous enough to let me know.

Saying all that, there's no positive outcome for you here.

You'd have to sacrifice your nights out to appease him.

Report
Allsnotwell · 03/01/2023 11:33

How long does he think a shag takes? You could in theory shag half the night club before midnight!
Married 20 years we both go out and have been late hime - no questions asked and no demand for a time home.

For a start I wouldn’t be ‘controlled’ and he’s knows it! And for a second I didn’t want to curtail his fun either. He has friends with curfews ~ but as an adult you should be able to party as you please.

What will happen is you’ll run home early and your friends will stop asking you to go out.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.