I think he's calling off the wedding...

[AppleBee321]

Is it unreasonable to come home from a night out at 4am when you're in a relationship? I did this twice last January and it causes major issues in our relationship and it was rocky until March. He then proposed in April and since then we have been planning the wedding and everything was fine until 3 weeks ago when I went out again and again came back around 4am as I lost track of time. When I got back we started arguing and he said he doesn't know if wants to marry me anymore, I thought he was saying this was out of anger but since then he refused to speak about it or continue planning it when I bring it up.

He's not very social and doesn't really go out, he just works, goes gym and spend time with his family, we have a joint weekend business that we run together. However he's not controlling and seems to only have a problem with me coming back late. He's 27 I'm 29. Any thoughts would be appreciated x

He’s showing his true colours. He is controlling, if you marry him things will only get worse. He doesn’t like ‘his woman’ in nightclubs? You’re not a possession or a pet, you’re your own person and absolutely entitled to stay out late. He doesn’t trust you, marrying him won’t magically create trust. In a year time he won’t like ‘his wife’ going out at all.

It’s time to leave whilst you can still just walk away. Don’t marry him unless you want a lifetime of him punishing you for not doing exactly as he wants and says.

If he told you last year that staying out until 4am was a deal breaker why did you agree to marry him if you knew this was something that you would want to do again? All the cries of control don’t really stand up if this is the only thing that ever bothers him. You knew it did for whatever reason.

Many people take drugs, it’s a deal breaker for me so if my DF said he wanted to take drugs every few month and I decided to call off the wedding, it doesn’t mean I’m trying to control him. He’s an adult he makes a choice and deals with the consequences, as do I.

It's not clear whether you are saying that you're going out and you won't be back till 4 am or that you're going out and coming back at 4 when you've said it'll be more like 1. If you're just disappearing he's going to be rightly worried (and there have been various threads here about men not coming home till late and their partners being worried). You may have different perceptions of what you want from life and you need to work that out between you.

Mumsnet if full of threads abouts husbands coming home much later than expected because "they lost track of time" and the generally consensus is "trust your gut" and leave as he's having an affair.

Before branding him as a controlling bastard I would like to know what exactly is happening when you stay out until 4 am. If you tell him you are going out with your friends and plan to stay out very late, pls don't wait for me then I would agree with all the other posters. However if you don't give him any indication you are going to be out all night, drinking to the extend where you 'lost track' I would also raise concerns in his shoes.

I'm going to be controversial here and say that most partners (most) don't like their other halves strolling in at 4am after an all-night bender because they suspect something is happening on the side. I hate to say it but i'd be the same, if my DH went out of an evening and came back at 4am I'd wonder what on Earth he'd been doing, and where, and with whom. Old fashioned, I know but it is what it is. Most (most) men won't be happy with you doing this. My DH is laid back but he'd be super upset if I did this - people can't help but wonder why so late

Me and DP can do what we want, when we want - so long as we have the courtesy to let the other know, and ask if it's ok (knowing neither of us would say no without good reason!)

If he told me he was going for a couple of pints, then didn't come in until 4 and hadn't bothered telling me, yes, I would be annoyed.

Red flags all ponder the place here. Words and phrases like 'disrespected' and doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on. have insecure and controlling written all over it.

He doesn’t trust you.

He thinks you might be cheating.

He said you’ve ‘disrespected him’.

If you have never done anything to warrant mistrust (save staying out until 4am, which is not a big deal in a trusting relationship) then you’re heading for way bigger control issues when you marry this guy.

He sounds controlling to me, that’s not very respectful language to use about you.

He is treating you as if you have no control over yourself and won’t be able to say no if you are hit on.

It shows he has no idea about the Reality of woemns lives as we can get approached or harassed by men at 10am at work or 2pm in the supermarket.

His dealing with disagreements by refusing to talk to you is controlling.

Thats a lot of red flags for me.

You got together with him when you were only 20 and you are now 26. I think you are too young to tie yourself down to someone who sounds very boring and controlling. You need to enjoy your freedoms when you are young and think about setting down later.

I know it must seem a bit scary when you have been with him your whole adult life. But he’s not right for you.

I’m 46 and in a healthy marriage.
last night I came home at 1am, not as late- but I’m older. DH just sent a few nice texts, and a good night one checking I was safe/ had keys before he fell asleep.
I think that’s pretty normal. I have 5 kids he put to bed too. Do you want a marriage where you are restricted?

Maybe it’s me but where do you go to at 4.00am in the morning?

Staying over at a friends house having a girls night in is one thing but hanging out in a bar or a club that late when you are not single does seem odd to me!

don't like their other halves strolling in at 4am after an all-night bender

4am is not all all night bender.

4am is 2 hours later than typical pub kick out times, and probably typical club kick out time depending on the club. It is the time you'd get back if you left around kick out time, got some food and made your way home.

It's not an all night bender. That would be coming home in the morning.

I think if my oh stayed out until 4am and didn’t message me to say he was ok then I’d be pretty upset about it. Not enough to call a wedding off though. I have stayed out many a time but never because “I lost track of time”, that’s a bit of a flimsy excuse. I stayed out as I was enjoying and didn’t want to leave yet, I’d let my OH know though so that he didn’t worry.

He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

Run away. He sees you as a possession.

I mean there are good reasons to be worried if someone is out until 4am - flakiness, drinking too much, their safety and so on. Worrying that other men will be near 'your woman' is not one of them. And if you're worried about someone being out late, you talk to them and resolve it, you don't punish them and bring them to heel by proffering and withdrawing the prospect of marriage.

I find it disrespectful when DH says he'll be back from his night out (which is usually from 11am onwards) by 11pm to get the last train home, and then he doesnt and the next thing I hear is him telling me he lost track of time and is waiting for the first train. Like, he's gotten so drunk he's not given me and how it would worry me any kind of concern. Disrespectful.

Going out and letting DH know you wont be back till 4am is fine. His comment about not wanting his girlfriend in nightclubs being hit on is a big, controlling red flag.

I think the 'let me know' bit is key here. I never really got the 'popped out for a few drinks at 8pm but ended up in random bar/club at 4am and I forgot to tell you at any point that I would be late' school of thought. The 'I lost track of time bit' is also sounds complete bollocks. That is basic disrespect to your partner if they are at home worried what has happened to you, it is not a control issue. There are plenty of 'my DP has not come home yet and I can't get hold of him' threads on here and the chap concerned is rightly criticised for it.

I think you’d be better off not marrying him. He sounds like a potential control freak (you’re just seeing the tip of the ice berg).

If you love the occasional night out dancing and he doesn’t want to go, that is his problem.

He IS controlling over this OP.

FFS, he could be being ‘hit on’ at the gym but you don’t try and ban him from going.

Yep!

Take back control and hand him back the ring. You can do much better.
This kind of thing escalates. Get out before there are children involved else he’ll be punishing you for imaginary misdemeanours in front of your children.

So he's holding the circumstances of how you got together six years ago over your head, as if he wasn't a willing participant but you are a Jezebel?

"His women" 😡

"Getting hit on"
WTactualF?

Does he think that you need to be at home, under his supervision, to avoid the fact that other men who are nothing to do with you might come on to you?

Can you not see how wrong that is? He is holding YOU to account for what OTHER PEOPLE (men) might do, He thinks it is reasonable behaviour to ban you from going out. He feels you going out without him is disrespect.

He has serious problems, & if you stay with him, he will make them yours.
He will continue to police you throughout your engagement, demanding that you sacrifice your personal choices & freedom, or he will pull his blackmail stunt again & threaten the wedding.
If you are unwise enough to marry him, as soon as you are wed his control will ramp up.
If you have children, he will escalate further throughout pregnancy & certainly after it. Consider also his misogyny, & what that means for how he will perceive parenting roles, & expect that you take the lion's share of night wakes, career sacrifice, drudgery & housework.

This default "disrespect" stance of his is a giant red flag for a continued & escalating pattern of control. It is textbook that men who believe you owe them automatic respect & must demonstrate this by curtailing your own freedoms, who believe that you are "his woman", who feel entitled to shame you for sexual behaviours they participated in with you, will become worse not better. It is well documented that abuse will ramp up through all the significant stages of a relationship - cohabitation, engagement, marriage, children.

Can you take some time away with him for a couple of says? Stay with a friend or family, while you think things through?

1. He gives you a curfew
2. He thinks you going out until 4am is 'disrespecting him'??
3. He doesn't want 'his woman' in a nightclub til the early hours.

He sounds like a caveman.

All of the above plus the fact he's ignoring your request to discuss it / refusing to discuss your wedding, are controlling.

He's showing he's controlling. It usually gets worse, not better. He's dangling cancelling the wedding in front of you, to get you back in line. To frighten you in to trying to please him to keep him.

Well don't. Never fight to keep a man who thinks you're there to be controlled. Who thinks he can give you orders or treat you like an employee. He isn't worth fighting for.

This the type of dude who would lose his fkg mind of you fell asleep drunk or something in a mate's place and had to come home in the morning. Or even if you arranged to stay in a mate's place beforehand; he'd be suspecting you were with another man in both cases.

It's not a good thing to marry and bring kids into a household in which you couldn't have a night out once in a while (without coming home sharp at 12 or 1 etc) without a terrible atmosphere and instability and huffing etc. from your partner.

I had no idea you're so young.

You were very young indeed when you overlapped him and the LDR ex .... Not an excuse but ppl tend to do things like that more often when v young and silly.
participant and shouldn't be holding onto it 6 yrs later.

You're young enough to meet someone else for marriage and kids.

He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.
Yikes, the misogyny is strong with this comment. Don't marry him. 🚩