I think he's calling off the wedding...

Well she beaches 6 years ago which is plenty of time to grow up. I cheated on a bf at 22, I certainly wasn't the same person at 28 🙄

And honestly you've never lost track of time with friends?? "just a quick coffee" used to ruj to 3 or 4 hours before kids, sober just talking. And yes drinking but not snog strangers and vomit in your hair drunk, I can easily go from 11pm to 1 am to oh crap it's 3 am with the right group of people. When I used to go out out, DH would drop me a text at 11ish to say good night, I'd drop a text in the taxi at whatever time knowing he'd be in bed and not care as long as I had fun. Why should he care as long as she's for to carry her commitments the next day

I think if either person in a relationship is out clubbing and boozing til the early hours it's massively disrespectful

Are you not allowed nights out with your friends when you get a boyfriend?

RTFT
She doesn't "keep going to nightclubs".

She's had 3 late nights out in TWO YEARS.

And YOU must call the wedding off. It isn't a prize for well behaved boys and girls. It is a lifetime commitment between equals.

Well said @SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth

I had one like that. It didn’t get better.
if I could tell my younger self one thing it would be get out. it doesn’t get better. You can’t appease them.

I had one like that. It didn’t get better.
if I could tell my younger self one thing it would be get out. it doesn’t get better. You can’t appease them.

I would be seriously pissed off if my DH didn't get home until 4am unless he'd told me in advance that he was likely to be clubbing all night. It is disrespectful. If I were him I would worry sick that you might have been attacked or stranded or in an accident. 4am is not a normal time to roll in. Just let him know well in advance.

dump him

You're in your 20s. Of course you want to go out with your friends, as you should.

But he doesn't trust you ... rightly or wrongly since it was him you were cheating on your ex with, eh? ... and he wants you on a leash. No way to live.

hardly disrespectful. Person in their 20’s behaving like a person in their 20’s.


let’s also not forget two / three of those years have spent unable to socialise properly.

Decide whether you want to be in nightclubs at 4 am or if you want to be married. Nightclubs are meant to be places of dancing and drinking with romantic/sexual atmosphere. That’s just a fact. Logic. If you really just wanted a drink with your friends, you could go to dinner etc and/or not stay out all night. One or the other is fine but if you want to have both then be with someone who doesn’t mind it. Personally, I would not accept my dh going out to nightclubs until 4 am. To me it would be a sign of immaturity, and it would be totally opposite of what I look for in a partner. Married 26 years here. My dh has never done it and doesn’t want to, wouldn’t want to. You ‘lost track of time’ sure.

If you've got children and commitments and you're unable to fulfill them because you're drunk or hungover, then yes. Unless you and your partner have agreed it in advance so you can share the chores, it's disrespectful. If you know your partner worries about your safety, out of respect for them you let them know you're going to be late.

But in your 20s, without children, what's the problem? There's nothing inherent in clubbing and drinking that says 'I disrespect my partner'. You're just having fun, you're not cheating on them.

He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs

And he has the front to say you're being disrespectful, when he is saying things like this to you!!!! his trust issues are not your problem.

We don't know his side of the story, though. What if he were to say:

"I met my girlfriend and we started to go out together. I only realised after a month that she was still with her boyfriend. She hadn't told me anything about him. I was very upset and she left him and now we're together. However, she's always had a problem with alcohol. When she goes out with certain friends she gets absolutely hammered and when she gets home she's completely out of it. She never knows how she got home. When we first met she told me that that sort of night would usually end up with a one night stand but she assured me she was past that stage now. Lately she's started to go out with those friends again and come home really late. She says it's 4 am but it's actually much later than that. She's so drunk that there's usually an argument and she's fit for nothing for a few days afterwards. I did want to marry her, but now I'm not sure."

So he told you in Jan that it was a dealbreaker but you’ve since done it again?

Im not saying you can’t stay out until 4am. It’s clearly not his idea of a good time but that’s not to say you should be forbidden from doing it, he is unreasonable for trying to impose those rules on you. But you are disrespectful for knowing how he feels about this and doing it again without dealing with the problem ahead of time.

Does he have trust issues, is he worried about you, not like who you’re with? without knowing the problem you can’t deal with it, and if you decided to continue doing something knowing it was a dealbreaker I don’t think you can now be shocked that it was in fact a deal breaker

Personally I wouldn’t ever stay out that late but it’s not in my nature which is exactly why I didn’t marry someone who likes to drink and party, my DH prefers being at home like me and the latest either of us have stayed out before is 11pm and we keep each other updated (we are both introverts!)

Obviously you’ve not done anything wrong at all and no one can stop you from going out nor should they but maybe you’re not compatible as it’s not something he enjoys himself although his comment about “his woman” is disrespectful to you.

I'd say

So fucking what, your fiancé is only 29, she can go out if she wants too, it's 3 times in 12 months and it's not stopping you from going out and doing what you want. If you don't trust her not to have sex with someone else just because she has done when she was much younger then you are an arsehole.

That’s just a fact. Logic.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
No it isn't, Hyacinth. Were you actually unaware that couples go to clubs too, or is this just the knee-jerk of automatic repression?

You've maybe never heard of dancing? Or having fun with your mates. Or enjoying the atmosphere of a club.

You've also been married 26 years, but can't see that a woman who's only been alive for 26 years, might want a late night out dancing once or twice a year ...

He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on

Oh op, this made me roll my eyes. He knows you're not his possession, right? That you're allowed to go out dancing until 4am if you like? Your choice, nothing to do with him. He's controlling, be careful there and have a good think if this is the type of man you really want to marry...

Let it fall apart. He isn't treating you well, he's treating you like a possession. And when you have a disagreement, is he being an adult about solving it? No. He's demanding compliance. This is a compliance test. Please, please fail his compliance test with flying colours and go find someone who doesn't have jealousy or misogyny issues.

His attitude doesn't bode well for a long term relationship. I bet good money if you stay with him, 10 years down the line you'll feel trapped in a relationship with someone you have come to understand doesn't respect you but sees you as a possession, but you'll likely have DC by then and will stay for the kids, and because you'll be fucked financially if you leave.

Please spare yourself this future and leave now while it's easier.

Leave him OP. He is the very definition of controlling. He doesn't want you in a nightclub in case you are hit on, fuck that, he doesn't trust you. You know you don't want to marry him. I think you have done this on purpose, to find out if he means it, he does, so go find someone who either enjoys a party with you , or doesn't tell you want to do.

This is his issue and he needs to examine why he feels this way. I have had a similar issue with a partner in the past and he finally acknowledged that it is driven by his anxiety that i would get so drunk i was out of control and "anything might happen" (read: cheat on him).

It didnt matter how much i explained i was always in control and wouldnt cheat and he had to trust me. Until he acknowledged it was entirely his issue nothing changed.

It's probably for the best him calling of the wedding. He sounds incredibly controlling and unreasonable. Its not like you've left him at home with three kids, you are still young and should be having fun.
There is plenty of time for slippers by the fireside when you are my age.

I don't know @ICanHideButICantRun

What if he were to say:

"My fiance won't eat cabbage, she says she doesn't like it, but I love cabbage & feel this is unfair of her. AIBU to call off our wedding until she agrees to eat cabbage?"

But we don't know his views on cabbage, BECAUSE THIS IS NOT HIS THREAD.

Please feel free to insert more wild speculations though, it's all very entertaining.

Sounds like the foundation of all this is the start of the relationship; the overlap/cheating. Did he know you were with somebody else?