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Relationships

I think he's calling off the wedding...

261 replies

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 10:37

Is it unreasonable to come home from a night out at 4am when you're in a relationship? I did this twice last January and it causes major issues in our relationship and it was rocky until March. He then proposed in April and since then we have been planning the wedding and everything was fine until 3 weeks ago when I went out again and again came back around 4am as I lost track of time. When I got back we started arguing and he said he doesn't know if wants to marry me anymore, I thought he was saying this was out of anger but since then he refused to speak about it or continue planning it when I bring it up.

He's not very social and doesn't really go out, he just works, goes gym and spend time with his family, we have a joint weekend business that we run together. However he's not controlling and seems to only have a problem with me coming back late. He's 27 I'm 29. Any thoughts would be appreciated x

OP posts:
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WisherWood · 04/01/2023 13:58

Yes, for anyone saying this is a lifestyle choice or a difference of opinion, bear in mind the OP said He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on. That's it. It's not about her potentially being a responsible mother. It's not about concern for her safety. It's about keeping other men away from his property. And of course, he's not going after the men. He's expecting her to change her behaviour.

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xfan · 04/01/2023 14:04

WisherWood · 04/01/2023 13:26

My OH is the life of my life. In many ways he sets me free. He enables me to do many things I simply didn't do when I was single, through giving me confidence and companionship.

Bad relationships are awful. They can be soul destroying. They can have a huge emotional and physical toll. Often, you are better off being single. But if you can find someone who is right for you, it can be the thing that makes life worthwhile.

If your partner enables you to do things you didn't do before, you must have a very low self esteem. Life is worth in itself, nobody needs a partner to make it worthwhile. God forbid you end up single, sounds like you can't "manage".

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EL0ISE · 04/01/2023 14:19

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 04/01/2023 09:31

You haven't answered whether he knows what time he expects you home, if you keep him up to date, if he knows when and where you are etc. That makes a big difference. You're part of a relationship. Though I do think by almost 30 you should be past that stage by now. If we reversed it and a woman said her husband didn't come home from the pub and stayed til 4am, we'd be telling her to LTB to his childish bachelor life. I don't understand the need to stay out til 4am. I mean, what is with that? Why? If you have children you realise you won't be able to live the bachelorette clubbing life? Personally I say it might be time to grow up a bit and leave this silly teens/20s life behind. I think you fiance wants to settle down with you but he's worried about marrying someone who lives the bachelorette clubbing lifestyle. It might be once a year, ok, but, I would be massively turned off by a man staying at the pubs til 4am regularly.

Im a bit concerned Ive fallen throiugh a hole in the time space continuum and landed in 1950.

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WisherWood · 04/01/2023 14:22

If your partner enables you to do things you didn't do before, you must have a very low self esteem. Life is worth in itself, nobody needs a partner to make it worthwhile. God forbid you end up single, sounds like you can't "manage".

😂Bless you. I was single almost my entire life until my late 40s. I quite happily did a lot of things on my own. I still do a lot of things on my own. And I have clearly said, in the post you quoted, that being single is better than being in a bad relationship. But there are some things I didn't want to do on my own that I now have the confidence to do. I don't need a partner, but I do prefer having a great one.

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VisaGeezer · 04/01/2023 16:11

EL0ISE · 04/01/2023 14:19

Im a bit concerned Ive fallen throiugh a hole in the time space continuum and landed in 1950.

Perhaps even 1850 lol

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Rachie1973 · 04/01/2023 17:20

EL0ISE · 04/01/2023 14:19

Im a bit concerned Ive fallen throiugh a hole in the time space continuum and landed in 1950.

Isn’t it depressing?

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Mari9999 · 04/01/2023 21:25

Maybe he just believes that given the opportunity the OP will do to him that which she did with him. It doesn't have to make sense, it only matters that its his belief. Some people believe that if he or she cheats with you then he or she will cheat on you.

He does not seem to say that he wants to end the relationship. He seems to be saying that he does not want to marry the OP.

If she responded to him when he made his move, he may fear that she will respond to the next man who makes a move.

These may be very nice people who have some legitimate reasons not to be very trusting of each other.

It is not sexism that is the problem. It is their history that is the problem.

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KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 12:25

It is not sexism that is the problem. It is their history that is the problem.

If he had/has a problem with how they got together, the solution is for him to finish the relationship, not dangle marriage as bait, then withdraw the offer in an attempt to punish & control.


And of course it's sexism.
"my woman" & "disrespecting me" aren't words that fall from non-sexist men's mouths.

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girlmom21 · 05/01/2023 12:27

Maybe he just believes that given the opportunity the OP will do to him that which she did with him.

He shouldn't marry a woman he can't trust, or tell her he trusts her when he doesn't.

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SleepingStandingUp · 05/01/2023 12:47

Maybe he just believes that given the opportunity the OP will do to him that which she did with him. It doesn't have to make sense, it only matters that its his belief. Some people believe that if he or she cheats with you then he or she will cheat on you.
OK, so let's take that OP is a floozy who'll cheat on him at the first excuse. Ignore that it was a long distance relationship vs them living together etc. She'll put out with anyone willing.

Does he think these two nights in just over 12 months are the only opportunity this wanton hussy could use to cheat on him? Why isn't he telling her off for going out at night at all, or to the supermarket, or to work, or the school run? If he thinks she'll fuck the first guy she sees past 3 am why not before midnight or midday? Why is it this one singular scenario when she's an untrustworthy harlot?

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Mari9999 · 05/01/2023 21:57

Sleeping StandingUp
Why are you trying to make this scenario rational? What he thinks is what he thinks. It need only make sense to him. If it is causing discomfort for the OP , she should end the relationship.

If he thinks that she is a floozy, she is a floozy with whom he is willing to live but not to make his wife.

I don't think that he is dangling marriage as any kind of bait. I think that he has taken marriage completely off the table. So the OP has to decide if she likes or loves him enough to live with him with no expectation of marriage. Not all relationships are headed towards marriage, and not everyone expects that to be the goal of a relationship.

Only the OP can decide what her line in the sand may be; it seems as though he has drawn his line.

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